Hands up who got these jokes from the Zig&Zag joke books. C'mon...admit it.
(Why did the lobster blush- because the sea weed- deary me)
Zig & Zag books rule!!
Why does Zuppy have a flat nose?? From chasing parked cars!!!
whats red and invisible?
what do you call a man with no hair?
Why do they call them Wonderbras? Because when you take it off you wonder where your tits went.
Three baby seals walked into a club....
hmmm can't think of any good one-liners.....but here's a few anyway
I used to be conceited but now i'm just perfect!
bad spellers of the world unitgt!
autopsy is a dying trend
she can look through a keyhole with both eyes..
Pretensious ! Moi ?
What is the differance betwee mash potatoes and peanuts ?
You can mash potatoes
"Jesus lads, I'm so hungry I could eat the balls off of a low flying seagull".
Had a few chuckles when I heard my mammy saying that...
- have you ever seen the size of moth balls ?
Whats the difference between a basin and a bison?
You can wash your hands in one and the other is a south american buffalo.
(ah, the only joke I remember from the Fozzie Bear page of the 1978 Muppet Show Annual, oh how I rue the day that I returned home to find that my mother had thrown that book out....)
From the king of the one-liner, Tommy Cooper ...
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
bags, he's bisatchel.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
whats the difference between eggs and a blowjob?
you can beat eggs...
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn. anyone?"
I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.