major bill Registered User
#1,861

do you reckon joseph fritzel goes around prison saying larry murphy jokes??

#1,862

My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand

4 people have thanked this post
CommonNameDave Registered User
#1,863

What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
.
.
.
Well, that's another load off of my chest!

3 people have thanked this post
stateofflux Registered User
#1,864

couple of bob monkhouse gems..

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "

2 people have thanked this post
keano_afc Registered User
#1,865

I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.

2 people have thanked this post
Penn Registered User
#1,866

I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers

2 people have thanked this post
Brendog Registered User
#1,867

"I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."

"Dadthespacebuttononmyphoneisfaultypleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."


"As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"

20 people have thanked this post
MonkieSocks Registered User
#1,868

What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.

2 people have thanked this post
jc77 Registered User
#1,869

Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

It's boring.

4 people have thanked this post
Carra23 Registered User
#1,870

You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye

1 person has thanked this post
#1,871

Why did god invent dominos pizza?

To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen


-Neil Hamburger, last night

bemak Registered User
#1,872

A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"

10 people have thanked this post
D_murph Registered User
#1,873

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?

A Wii fit!!

2 people have thanked this post
ilovelamp2000 Registered User
#1,874

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?


Killed in a tunnel.

5 people have thanked this post
MonkieSocks Registered User
#1,875

I remember watching Wayne Rooney in the world cup and thinking, you fat head you couldn’t score in a brothel.


Just shows how much I know about football.

1 person has thanked this post

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