do you reckon joseph fritzel goes around prison saying larry murphy jokes??
My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand
What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
Well, that's another load off of my chest!
couple of bob monkhouse gems..
"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."
"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "
I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.
I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers
"I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."
"As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"
What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?
They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.
Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?
You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye
Why did god invent dominos pizza?
To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen
-Neil Hamburger, last night
A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"
What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?
A Wii fit!!
What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?
Killed in a tunnel.