[neuro-praxis]

We talk a lot around these boards about having safe sex. I want to propose that if sex is with someone you do not already know and trust, then it's by definition seriously un-safe. FWB is one thing: you have an arrangement with a person that, presumably, you trust.

But picking up randomers and having sex with them, even while using precautions, seems to me to be taking a very serious risk, at least for heterosexual women. I would feel more trusting of lesbians - is this misguided?

I can't fathom having sex with a man I did not know and trust. The risks of assault, or just ending up somewhere you really do not want to be, just do not seem worth it for a shag. It seems to me that one night stands with strangers really ought to be avoided.

Of course, many, many assaults take place involving perpetrators known to victims, carried out by people who ought to be trustworthy, such as family members. There is no denying this. I also would not accept that a woman is responsible for an assault committed by a stranger, even if she had initially consented to sex - responsibility lies solely with perpetrators. I wish to discuss risk, not responsibility.

I noticed that a lot of you commented in the recent thread about carrying condoms (a sensible practice imo) that you do not have one night stands. Why is this?

Am interested in your views.

Also to women who enjoy one night stands with people previously unknown to you, do you ever feel fearful, or have you ever regretted the experience?

[Tigger99]

I've had ONS and they were very enjoyable. I'm not going to justify my real life actions on an internet forum but I'm pretty shocked at how judgemental and patronizing the first post is.

You propose that they are unsafe?! Really? That's a pretty sweeping statement to make.

By the way, the intention may not be to victim blame, but I can't imagine a woman who was raped during a ONS reading the first post feeling anything but blame.

[Princess Peach]

I don't have one night stands because I know I wouldn't enjoy them. I just have that kind of head where I can't separate sex, thoughts and feelings. I couldn't enjoy myself with a guy I didn't know a trust, a thousand things would be going through my mind, and I know I'd feel awkward afterwards. I wouldn't get anything good from a one night stand, with a stranger or a friend.

I have been in situations where strangers on nights out have invited me back for sessions afterwards, and I've always said no. Even though they seemed friendly, I would not go alone back to a strangers house in the night, I probably wouldn't go even with 2 or 3 girls if we didn't know whose house it is. Just for reasons of being smart and safe. I have had two incidents of finding myself in a situation that maybe could have turned out bad, but I came to my senses and left.

It might be a wrong way of thinking, I just prefer to avoid unsafe situations than to take risks, just happens that it manifests in mistrust of strangers.

[Novella]

I don't have one night stands because the one time I did have one, it was an assault. While I consented in the beginning, he then started to hurt me and although I said no, he didn't stop. So I would never take that risk again.

[The_Minister]

Maybe I'm being silly, but surely being willing to have sex with the men you go home with effectively removes any reason for them to rape you?

Why would a man rape a woman willing to have sex with him?


EDIT: Sorry, I was replying to the OP not Novella. What I mean is that the risk should be very low, logically.

[Princess Peach]

Originally Posted by The_Minister

Maybe I'm being silly, but surely being willing to have sex with the men you go home with effectively removes any reason for them to rape you?

Why would a man rape a woman willing to have sex with him?

A girl could change her mind, sober up, decide she its not something she wants to do and then finds herself in the home of a stranger maybe.

[Motorist]

Originally Posted by The_Minister

Maybe I'm being silly, but surely being willing to have sex with the men you go home with effectively removes any reason for them to rape you?

Why would a man rape a woman willing to have sex with him?

To exert control or if the female withdraws consent or never gives it in the first place.

[Tigger99]

Just like princess peach said, a girl could change her mind and let him know that this is the case.

[neuro-praxis]

Originally Posted by Tigger99

I've had ONS and they were very enjoyable. I'm not going to justify my real life actions on an internet forum but I'm pretty shocked at how judgemental and patronizing the first post is.

You propose that they are unsafe?! Really? That's a pretty sweeping statement to make.

By the way, the intention may not be to victim blame, but I can't imagine a woman who was raped during a ONS reading the first post feeling anything but blame.

No need for the histrionics. I am not judging casual sex, as even a cursory read of the post will demonstrate. I am questioning the risk of having sex with strangers. No need to justify your actions to anyone.

[neuro-praxis]

Tigger99 why not explain why they are safe so I can understand your POV better.

[analucija]

I had couple of one night stands. They are grand when you don't want to end up in a relationship. They were on holidays or at some house parties, I'd never go to somebody's house after just meeting them even if I had no intention sleeping with them. In the same way I prefered people I had ons with not to know my phone no or address. I never had any problems. I was in couple of sticky situations (ok sexually abused) and they all happened when I was perfectly good girl and just stayed in the wrong hostel, gone to the wrong cinema or just walked to the car. So maybe I'd be safer if I'd have couple of more one night stands instead of going to the cinema?

[Princess Peach]

Originally Posted by analucija

I had couple of one night stands. They are grand when you don't want to end up in a relationship. They were on holidays or at some house parties, I'd never go to somebody's house after just meeting them even if I had no intention sleeping with them. In the same way I prefered people I had ons with not to know my phone no or address. I never had any problems. I was in couple of sticky situations (ok sexually abused) and they all happened when I was perfectly good girl and just stayed in the wrong hostel, gone to the wrong cinema or just walked to the car. So maybe I'd be safer if I'd have couple of more one night stands instead of going to the cinema?

All of these situations you named most likely happened when other people were around though and it would be easier to get help than alone in a room or house with a man.

[Giselle]

I don't have ONS, for quite a few reasons and feeling unsafe is only one of them. I would be uncomfortable being that vulnerable with a complete stranger, and the experience would be unlikely to be enjoyable for that reason alone.

That said, lots of people have and enjoy them and presumably don't feel unsafe. Its not for everybody, which doesn't mean its not right for anybody.

[neuro-praxis]

Originally Posted by analucija

I was in couple of sticky situations (ok sexually abused) and they all happened when I was perfectly good girl and just stayed in the wrong hostel, gone to the wrong cinema or just walked to the car. So maybe I'd be safer if I'd have couple of more one night stands instead of going to the cinema?

I am not proposing there's a moral problem with women who have one night stands, or that there is "good girl" or "bad girl" behaviour.

I am suggesting that some situations for sex are possibly riskier than others.

I'm glad that your ONS experiences were safe and am sorry that you have suffered abuse in other contexts.

[The Big Red Button]

To be fair, regarding your reference to the other thread - not all women are going to say openly on an internet forum that they have one night stands. There's the chance that it might give the wrong impression of the person, and Boards isn't really all that anonymous. So, even if someone posted on the other thread "I don't have one night stands", it doesn't mean that they haven't had one night stands, or that they won't do it again.

I agree with Tigger that your opening post does come across as being quite patronising and judgemental, to be honest.

I don't think it could be denied that there's an element of risk involved with one night stands. I do think, though, that Ireland is so small, that anyone you hook up with is bound to know a friend of a friend, etc, so it's unlikely that they're a total stranger. Also, I suppose a lot depends on how much you feel you can depend on your judgement of character. I mean, I've often gone back to house parties etc with people I didn't know very well - there's an element of risk involved there, too.

I've never had a one night stand myself, by the way. I could see how I might, though, under certain circumstances - there are certainly benefits to it. I've often seen friends of mine do it, and they've rarely had any problems or regrets.