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Friends · 22-05-2012, 13:56

My best friend died 8 months ago. He lived far away and my current group of friends didnt really know him.

Since then, I have become so easily irritated at them and their problems. Im seen as someone in our group that people can come and talk to about problems but lately everything anyone says to me is just irritating me. Their problems just seem so trivial in the grand scheme of life and while I dont tell them my irritation (as I know im being irrational) its really bubbling up inside of me.

I was indenial for a long time and in the past few weeks, I have found myself coming out of denial more and more.... the more I leave denial, the greater my irritation is becoming... am I the only one who feels like this?? What do I do to control it??

flowerchild · 23-05-2012, 07:31

I so understand. Grief comes in waves and so do the feelings. It sometimes feels as though there is less room for others.

And then you see and feel the sunshine and know that everyone has their own issues. I once met a plastic surgeon, lovely man, who looked after burns victims. I was not the client and said to him that this must seem somewhat trivial to him compared with other people's issues. He said that you never know how something is affecting another person.

So true, and said with such compassion. I think we need to react with compassion, even with ourselves, when we fail to meet our own high standards. Understand why we are (re)acting as we are, notice how we prefer to be, and move in that direction, but treating ourselves (and others) as gently as we can along the way.

Grief is not trivial. We need to give ourselves space to be human as we cope.

crusher000 · 23-05-2012, 07:44

I'm not saying your angry but anger is also another part of grieving. After anger comes acceptance. You need to go easy on yourself and with your close friends I would come out and tell them exactly how your feeling. Don't go through it alone.You'll be amazed that the more you talk about your feelings the quicker the healing process is. 8 months is not along time since your friend passed away so don't be rushing yourself into moving on.

flowerchild · 23-05-2012, 08:00

Talking things over is not always possible. Sometimes people may feel that ther strong feelings of grief and resultant irritation are not 'legitimate' compared with the relationship or indeed, the behaviour involved.

And some people do not easily open themselves up to scrutiny by others - especially if they are usually seen as the strong one.

I do think that the most important first step is self acceptance. And moving in the direction you prefer.

I am a friend · 23-05-2012, 20:44

I was debating posting here as I was thinking that you are already suffering and as my opinion is quite strong on this subject I dont want to cause you more suffering but here I go... You asked for opinions.....

I lost my only sibling suddenly last year and I cannot and will not use that as an excuse to treat anyone else badly... You see posts on here from people who say their partner is treating them badly because their father/mother/cousin died and you know what I think??? Bullsh!t!!! Its no excuse... If anything you should value your friends and family MORE and never ever want to hurt them.

A friend of mine lost her first baby in labour but she always has an ear for everyone. After that, I often caught myself whinging to her about something trivial and would apologise to her and she said to stop as the issue I was talking to her about was big issue for me (but not in the grand scheme).. In other words, you may think you are worse off than anyone but you never know how badly a more 'trivial' problem is affecting someone else...

I dont think its acceptable that you are being like this with your friends and to be frank i think you need to stop. Its not fair on them. You have issues as a result of the bereavement which is natural but go get them seen to rather than taking them out on someone else. Best of luck.

Friends · 24-05-2012, 09:41

I" am a Friend", if you had noticed from my first post I had said that I dont tell my friends about my irritation as I am WELL aware that I am being irrational.

The whole point of me posting here was because I want to stop. Telling me "i need to stop" is really NO help at all. As you know, you cannot control the stages of grief. If I could just stop feeling this way then I would but it really isnt as simple as that.

**Ickle Magoo** · 24-05-2012, 12:06

I am a friend - just because people ask for opinions on this forum does not mean you or any other poster can disregard the charter and purpose of this forum:

Quote:

The remit of the this forum is to provide a supportive space for those who have suffered a bereavement, to share their experiences and to find helpful links and information.

Replying to threads in the Bereavement forum:

Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Bereavement forum the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

If you cannot respond in an appropriate manner, perhaps due to your own life experiences steering your own feelings, kindly don't post here.

As per site rules - any issue with a moderator action/request should be addressed via PM and NOT on-thread

I am a friend · 31-05-2012, 12:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by irritated

I" am a Friend", if you had noticed from my first post I had said that I dont tell my friends about my irritation as I am WELL aware that I am being irrational.

The whole point of me posting here was because I want to stop. Telling me "i need to stop" is really NO help at all. As you know, you cannot control the stages of grief. If I could just stop feeling this way then I would but it really isnt as simple as that.

Sorry - I read your first post wrong.

msthe80s · 02-06-2012, 11:48

Hi Op.

Firstly,may I say, there is no right way or wrong way to react after the death of a friend.

If I'm correct, I feel that your present group of friends do not understand how you are dealing with this,because they did not actually know the deceased friend?
Therefore-(unless they've been through a similar experience)there is no way they can empathise with how you are feeling or coping.

Maybe take some time out for yourself,and have a think about you and your life.

I would suggest reading the following-it might make it easier to understand why you are feeling like this,and to realise that it is a perfectly acceptable reaction after a bereavement.

http://www.businessballs.com/elisabe...tages_of_grief

Take care you.

22-05-2012, 13:56	#1
Irritated Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	Grief & Irritablility My best friend died 8 months ago. He lived far away and my current group of friends didnt really know him. Since then, I have become so easily irritated at them and their problems. Im seen as someone in our group that people can come and talk to about problems but lately everything anyone says to me is just irritating me. Their problems just seem so trivial in the grand scheme of life and while I dont tell them my irritation (as I know im being irrational) its really bubbling up inside of me. I was indenial for a long time and in the past few weeks, I have found myself coming out of denial more and more.... the more I leave denial, the greater my irritation is becoming... am I the only one who feels like this?? What do I do to control it??

23-05-2012, 20:44	#5
I am a friend Closed Account Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,398 Adverts \| Friends	I was debating posting here as I was thinking that you are already suffering and as my opinion is quite strong on this subject I dont want to cause you more suffering but here I go... You asked for opinions..... I lost my only sibling suddenly last year and I cannot and will not use that as an excuse to treat anyone else badly... You see posts on here from people who say their partner is treating them badly because their father/mother/cousin died and you know what I think??? Bullsh!t!!! Its no excuse... If anything you should value your friends and family MORE and never ever want to hurt them. A friend of mine lost her first baby in labour but she always has an ear for everyone. After that, I often caught myself whinging to her about something trivial and would apologise to her and she said to stop as the issue I was talking to her about was big issue for me (but not in the grand scheme).. In other words, you may think you are worse off than anyone but you never know how badly a more 'trivial' problem is affecting someone else... I dont think its acceptable that you are being like this with your friends and to be frank i think you need to stop. Its not fair on them. You have issues as a result of the bereavement which is natural but go get them seen to rather than taking them out on someone else. Best of luck. Last edited by I am a friend; 23-05-2012 at 20:51.

02-06-2012, 11:48	#9
msthe80s Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: on the magic roundabout Posts: 1,018 Adverts \| Friends	Hi Op. Firstly,may I say, there is no right way or wrong way to react after the death of a friend. If I'm correct, I feel that your present group of friends do not understand how you are dealing with this,because they did not actually know the deceased friend? Therefore-(unless they've been through a similar experience)there is no way they can empathise with how you are feeling or coping. Maybe take some time out for yourself,and have a think about you and your life. I would suggest reading the following-it might make it easier to understand why you are feeling like this,and to realise that it is a perfectly acceptable reaction after a bereavement. http://www.businessballs.com/elisabe...tages_of_grief Take care you. Last edited by msthe80s; 02-06-2012 at 11:54.

23-05-2012, 07:31	#2
flowerchild Registered User Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 307 Adverts \| Friends	I so understand. Grief comes in waves and so do the feelings. It sometimes feels as though there is less room for others. And then you see and feel the sunshine and know that everyone has their own issues. I once met a plastic surgeon, lovely man, who looked after burns victims. I was not the client and said to him that this must seem somewhat trivial to him compared with other people's issues. He said that you never know how something is affecting another person. So true, and said with such compassion. I think we need to react with compassion, even with ourselves, when we fail to meet our own high standards. Understand why we are (re)acting as we are, notice how we prefer to be, and move in that direction, but treating ourselves (and others) as gently as we can along the way. Grief is not trivial. We need to give ourselves space to be human as we cope.

23-05-2012, 07:44	#3
crusher000 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 367 Adverts \| Friends	I'm not saying your angry but anger is also another part of grieving. After anger comes acceptance. You need to go easy on yourself and with your close friends I would come out and tell them exactly how your feeling. Don't go through it alone.You'll be amazed that the more you talk about your feelings the quicker the healing process is. 8 months is not along time since your friend passed away so don't be rushing yourself into moving on.

23-05-2012, 08:00	#4
flowerchild Registered User Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 307 Adverts \| Friends	Talking things over is not always possible. Sometimes people may feel that ther strong feelings of grief and resultant irritation are not 'legitimate' compared with the relationship or indeed, the behaviour involved. And some people do not easily open themselves up to scrutiny by others - especially if they are usually seen as the strong one. I do think that the most important first step is self acceptance. And moving in the direction you prefer.

24-05-2012, 09:41	#6
irritated Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	I" am a Friend", if you had noticed from my first post I had said that I dont tell my friends about my irritation as I am WELL aware that I am being irrational. The whole point of me posting here was because I want to stop. Telling me "i need to stop" is really NO help at all. As you know, you cannot control the stages of grief. If I could just stop feeling this way then I would but it really isnt as simple as that.