Originally Posted by pencilsharp
Anyone got any new jokes??I've recently started going out with a guy from Tallaght (he tells me its the nice part, lol, only joking, hes a nice guy thats all that matters!). Anyway I'm from the northside and he keeps coming up with all these jokes about northsiders (which I do actually for the most part find funny!).
But I need some ammunition to get back at him! The jokes I found about southsiders are pretty lame!!
I found this one but its a bit long to tell!
An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus.
The Tallaght man shouts, 'f**k off, I'm on disabilitybenefit!'
I want a few one liners if possible please!!
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Tallaght in the early hours of Friday 16th January 2004.
Epicentre: The Square Shopping Centre.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "...bleedin story?", "aaaaawrigh' bud" and "fUUUcksake". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately EUR30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Crete and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
The Tallaght News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.
One resident - Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Ih was such a ####in' shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin' into me bedruem cryin'. Me youngisst two: Tyler-Morgan n Megan-Brooklyn slept tru ih all. Buh I was still shakin' when I was watchin' ####in' Rikki Lake leh-er in the ####in' mornin". Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime carried on as normal and were not affected.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, frozen pizza and John Player Blue to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include welfare books, jewellery including thousands of sovereign rings, many large medallions and Hash leaf ear rings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine Bone China from Tommy's Wonderland of Value.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
* Fila or Kappa baseball caps,
* Hoodies (any type)
* Tommy Hilfiger tracksuits (his and hers)
* Nike/Adidas Shell suits (female)
* White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx.
* Anything from Magic or Unique Boutique.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
* McCains oven chips
* Heinz baked beans
* Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
* Strongbow Cider
* Smirnoff Ice.
* John Player Blue 15's. (unmarried mother handy pack)
And remember that your contribution counts!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and bookie slips. Just EUR5.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. Only EUR6.00 will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.
Note: Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of such plush accommodation is unfair on the population of the local halting sites.