[Derek_S]

thread for people to leave jokes

[ashes]

haha u really are tryin to be forum god again! ur a joke!

[Ste-]

derek is a god anyway so there

[Derek_S]

ashes ya sap i made the threads coz theres no separate sections like the energy one

ya tallaght knacker

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart
>
> Cara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to
surprise
>
> her. After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would
> strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied

> by his sister he went to Selfridges and bought a dainty pair of white
> gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same
> time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and
> the
> sister got the gloves and Cara got the panties. Without checking the
> contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his
> sweetheart with the following note:
>
> Dear Cara,
>
> I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
> any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I
> would
> have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that

> are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
> them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three

> weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me
> and
> she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She
> also told me
> that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not

> needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.
> I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no
doubt
>
> many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

> When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
away
>
> as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many

> times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will

> wear them for me on
> Friday night.
>
> All my love
> Fergus
>
>
> P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> showing.

[Makaveli]

Here's an idea.
Why dont you use this one.

[Chucky the tree]

i am fairly sure i am answering this for everyone...




we couldnt be arsed

[Derek_S]

coz we like doing it in energy land

[DeeJ]

that glove thing is funny.

hurrah for jokes

[Derek_S]

glovesy rules

[Harmo]

Originally posted by Derek_S
thread for people to leave jokes

If your making a joke thread, make it sticky do the same with tune ids and other topics that u intened people u use as a service.

[Derek_S]

And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn-weightlifting commentator)

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -horse racing commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense." Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I would not say that David Ginolais is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxfordcrew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
..... Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

[Derek_S]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge .
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

[DeeJ]

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

______________________________________________

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

______________________________________________

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

______________________________________________

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store,
a boy spotted a display of condoms.
"Hey Dad, what's a three-pack for?" asked the boy. "Those are for the weekend.
Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday," replied the father.

"Then Dad, what's a six-pack for?" asked the son.
"That's when she moves in with you.
Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Then Dad, what's a twelve-pack for?"
"That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for ... "

________________________________________________

What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

[Hogan]

Originally posted by Derek_S
"Your mother must have been a carrier."

Oh dear

lamest of the lame derek, shockin outta you

[Derek_S]

i know but it's one more post for me