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01-10-2012, 12:05   #1
hash for cash
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A man trapped in an unhappy/unloving marriage

Hi guys,

Looking for some advice. My brother married his wife 2 years ago against all his families better judgement. He wouldn't listen to any of us that she was totally wrong for him and now he is miserabe and we are very worried about him.

He is a very genuine guy, could have had anyone he wanted and went for one of the most horrible, selfish people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

She treats him like ****, speaks down to him all the time, gives him dirty looks when he says something to any of us. There is no love in the relationship at all.

He owned his business but lost it due to the recession, he would have survived apart from the money they are hemorraging due to the gigantic mortgage she took out in 2007 on her own. They met a year after she had bought the house and he has been paying half ever since because she knew he had savings. Even though she has a very good job and works ridiculously long hours she has taken a huge cut in income. She went back to work 6 weeks after they had their baby girl in May of this year.

The really annoying thing is, is that he always knew she never wanted children, couldn't stand them, hated other peoples kids etc and he's the complete opposite, she only agreed to that baby because we all feel that she knew she would lose him if she didn't. We were all hoping that it would be the thing to break them up but when we found out she was pregnant we were gobsmacked. She spends very little time with the baby, he is home all day everyday looking after her. He never goes out, she goes out on the weekend because 'shes been working all week' but she never lets him out.

I won't go into too much more detail but basically I would like to hear from anyone who has been in anything similiar to the above situation and has come out the other side and would like to give me any advice on how to deal with this. Myself, my 2 other brothers and our parents feel that if we could just get him and the baby away from the house for a while in a place where we can help him, support him, give him the opportunity to see how easier things would be without her then it might give him a chance.

Even though it is a blessing at this stage that he has realised he is in a dreadful relationship he insists there is nothing he can do to get out of it. That he has no income, he can't support the child on his own, that he has nowhere to go etc...but that's all crap, he has his family. It is just so frustrating to see him suffering. He is still young and has a chance at happiness and meeting someone who will appreciate him.

If anyone can offer any help/information it would be much appreicated. Thank you. T.
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01-10-2012, 12:57   #2
Dravokivich
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You may be able to get some solid advice in the relationship issues forum:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1174

Read over their charter. There's some links with websites that would have some info that may be handy as well.
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01-10-2012, 13:16   #3
aujopimur
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He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.
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01-10-2012, 13:25   #4
cyrusdvirus
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Originally Posted by aujopimur View Post
He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.
you could probably have phrased that a wee bit better....

We all know that love is blind and makes you do silly things. Look at that teacher in the UK who absconded to France with a student?
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01-10-2012, 13:30   #5
Littlehorny
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A cousin of mine stayed with a right nasty bully of a woman for about twenty years, they have split up now but he is still under her control. He is back in his mothers while she takes every penny of his wages off him on a joint account. She lives in a lovely 4 bed bungalow that he built on his family land and drives a nice car and is always having trips away, even though she has never worked in all her adult life. He cant even afford a couple of pints at the weekend cause she takes everything.
He thinks he is doing the right thing because they had a couple of kids but even though he is right to look after his children, his ex is no longer his responsibilty. The poor guy is miserable and after doing the right thing all his life he is left with nothing. We said the same thing as you op when my cousin started seeing this girl in his early twentys, could not understand what he say in her and my advice to your brother is get out before he spends his whole life miserable, as the saying goes short term pain for long term gain. Hope all goes well for him.
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01-10-2012, 15:47   #6
brno
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if he leaves her the court will take his child and more than half his money.even if she is a terrible mother in ireland the mother always gets the child.worth keeping this in mind
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01-10-2012, 15:49   #7
vicwatson
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Quote:
There is no love in the relationship at all.
Perhaps he loves her?
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01-10-2012, 16:04   #8
the_syco
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aujopimur View Post
He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

OP: ensure you let him know that you're there to help, as him feeling like he has no options is never a good thing.

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if he leaves her the court will take his child and more than half his money.even if she is a terrible mother in ireland the mother always gets the child.worth keeping this in mind
Although the mother always gets the child, I'm thinking in this case the mother will still give the child to the OP's brother as she won't look after it herself.
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01-10-2012, 16:15   #9
hash for cash
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The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

OP: ensure you let him know that you're there to help, as him feeling like he has no options is never a good thing.


Although the mother always gets the child, I'm thinking in this case the mother will still give the child to the OP's brother as she won't look after it herself.
Thanks, this is EXACTLY what would happen. I never saw anyone as cold hearted with her own baby in my life....you never see her holding her or cuddling her, nothing...she always tells him that shes crying or needs feeding or changing etc...that she's tired and has been at work all day and more or less tells him that this is what he wanted not her so get on with it.

And with reference to the poster above, we are not interferers at all by any standards. We are always polite to her, try and help him out WHEN HE asks for help. We completely keep our distance from their home. I do resent that comment as we don't interfere at all, we spent alot of time 'hoping for the best' without saying much until he married her. We all went to wedding and smiled for photographs for him, so no, you are incorrect there, we are only guilty of caring for his future happiness.

Thanks also to the first poster, I will take a look at that link.
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01-10-2012, 17:07   #10
Starokan
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Its good that you care so deeply about your brother but the reality is that only he can change this situation. Have you any indication that he really wants to get out, he may not be happy with some of what is happening but its a huge leap to leaving her.

It sounds to me like its probably tough on both of them, they have lost a huge chunk of their respective incomes each and life is now pretty rough as a result. I can empathise with him as I lost my job and for a good while I was living just day to day with mounting bills. Its serious pressure, but their is also pressure from her side in that she is working and by sounds of it at end of week the money is eaten up by expenses etc. That can be quiet demoralising too .

I would say be there for him if he needs you , be supportive but dont be negative, families can have a skewed perspective of whats really going on based on their natural inclination towards their own loved one. One thing is for sure he loved her enough to marry her, have a child with her etc so there is a good chance there is something good between them beyond what everyone sees
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01-10-2012, 17:53   #11
Piliger
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I am happy you care, OP. But my advice is to stay close to him. Stay talking to him. Stay out of his business unless he asks.
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01-10-2012, 18:16   #12
Munstermissy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlehorny View Post
A cousin of mine stayed with a right nasty bully of a woman for about twenty years, they have split up now but he is still under her control. He is back in his mothers while she takes every penny of his wages off him on a joint account. She lives in a lovely 4 bed bungalow that he built on his family land and drives a nice car and is always having trips away, even though she has never worked in all her adult life. He cant even afford a couple of pints at the weekend cause she takes everything.
He thinks he is doing the right thing because they had a couple of kids but even though he is right to look after his children, his ex is no longer his responsibilty. The poor guy is miserable and after doing the right thing all his life he is left with nothing. We said the same thing as you op when my cousin started seeing this girl in his early twentys, could not understand what he say in her and my advice to your brother is get out before he spends his whole life miserable, as the saying goes short term pain for long term gain. Hope all goes well for him.
My first thought would be for him to stop paying into the joint account and then take himself off to a solicitor quick sharp. Fair enough he wants to provide for his children but that doesn't mean that he has to hand over all his moola.
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01-10-2012, 18:21   #13
juan.kerr
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but she never lets him out.
Probably not very constructive, but he needs to grow a pair. He's an adult not a child or a pet.
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01-10-2012, 18:25   #14
sam34
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moved from tgc to pi. please note the pi charter applies from here onwards
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01-10-2012, 18:32   #15
Littlehorny
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Originally Posted by Munstermissy View Post
My first thought would be for him to stop paying into the joint account and then take himself off to a solicitor quick sharp. Fair enough he wants to provide for his children but that doesn't mean that he has to hand over all his moola.
He won't do it, too soft of a lad. I asked him to come to a stag do one night and told him i'd give him a few quid and he still wouldnt do it cause his ex would go mental and she wants rid of the kids for the weekends so she can go out. He just has himself convinced its best for all involved to just keep the peace.
As other posters said all you can do is support your relative and hope they can work it out for themselves.
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