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08-08-2012, 20:32   #1
breakuphelp
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Trouble dealing with Break-up, ex cut contact

I know its a silly and trivial issue but I recently broke up with my OH of 8 months and i'm not dealing with it very well

Basically; I found out he went home with some randomer he picked up shortly after he asked me out. We werent exculsive and he did nothing wrong but I was still very upset (he didn't sleep with her but did say he 'sucked on her tits' which I never needed to hear) he said he was only with this girl in order to practice so he could preform better for me (Pile of bollox I know), this combined with some other things that had happened;

I experiment with drugs, E mainly, sometimes LSD, mostly at festivals and whne I'm off college (please no judgement, i know its illegal etc) and he always had a problem with this, he thought I would cheat on him. He said that he wouldn't want to have kids with me because he thought I would use drugs and go to parties when I was pregnant. I was completely devestated, I also have some family history, I confided in him with that made this comment even more upsetting to me.

Another time during a certain sex act he said his ex GF would have 'made him cum' because I didn't. He was drunk but it made me really paranoid and upset.

These 3 incidents and also his constant paranoia and accusations that all my male friends were trying to sleep with me (Most of my friends are guys) and that I was grinding off other men and being too tomboyish and showing off my knickers at parties (i'm very shy and uncomfortable with my body so this is crap) prompted me to end the relationship.

Then started to regret it, I was madly in love with him and he said he was with me too so I asked could we work things out, he had time off work and he went on holiday, telling me he needed time away to think, so i waited. While on holiday he text me and said he missed me and we'd work things out, he bought me a present and spent his holiday texting me.

But when he got back he'd changed his mind again (he claims he was never definite about us getting back together and the hearts on the end of his messages and the present were a friend thing) . Seemingly his sister had convinced him that I couldn't possibly be over my ex (I was a year out of LTR but we still had to share a house due to a lease extension we got, I had nowhere else to live as my family are deceased) so he decided that our relationship was 'too stressful' and he didn't want to work things out. But he said we will always be friends and he wanted to be there for me. I offered to never take drugs again as he didn't like it and to move out of the place with my ex and stay with a friend till college was back and i could have my grant to pay rent but he still wouldn't have any of it.

We hung out a for a while, then he changed his mind about being friends as it was too hard for both of us and we agreed to cut contact for a while , then I text him a few weeks later as I was ready to be friends again, we had a nice convo.
He bought me 2 ticks to a sold out gig happening soon for my bday, he still had them, I asked would he still be going together, he said he didn't think that would be a good idea as he didn't want us to be friends anymore but I could still have them as a gift. (I heard he was seeing someone else so I decided to delete him on fb as I didnt want to see his RS change or pics of them etc etc and as he didn't want to be friends)
I told him I would take the tickets but would pay as it wasn't appropriate to take them for free but he just ignored my message, sent him a text asking what the story was, he ignored that. His friends all deleted me on fb etc etc. I don't plan on ever contacting him again


This guy was the love of my life but also one of the best friends I ever had. I told him stuff I never told anyone before. I really believed he was 'the one' We had plenty of issues and it wasn't easy for either of us but I really thought if we loved each other it could work out. All our issues were stupid and trivial and based on jealousy and paranoia. I was completey devoted to him and never even looked at or thought about another guy.


I keep going over everything that happened bewteen us every day, wracking my brain and driving myself insane. I'm devestated that he doesn't want to be friends. I just cant be happy anymore, I'm so angry and I cry every day. I keep wondering why he said he wanted to work things out if he didnt and why he suggested being friends and then said he didn't want to and then offered me the tickets but then ignored me. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and I feel like maybe i'm just too difficult to go out with or maybe I'm just too ****ed up to be anyones gf.

I just want some tips from boardsies about how to deal with this better. I don't want to be the 'crazy ex' but i'm so angry with him and I really want to send him a message telling him how I feel so I can get it off my chest. I'm also really worried about the personal information he has on me as we have mutual friends and I have already heard some stuff back.
Thanks so much for your help
 
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09-08-2012, 04:47   #2
peanuthead
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Hi there

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Here's my advice:

First of all, write that message. But just don't send it. There is nothing redundant about an unwritten letter. I have a lot of them to my ex and it's weird because writing it down has the same 'get it off your chest' feel but if you don't send it it has none of the regret.

Think about this, his friends deleted you from facebook - seems incredibly childish and means he's probably been talking to them about your relationship. With that in mind remember that he will probably show them any letters you write too.

Secondly, no offence, but your life seems a little stressful or complicated at the moment, what with having recently been in a LTR and having to still live with that person. It's probably not the best environment for starting something new and nice. Wait until the conditions are right.

Thirdly, while I don't judge you for it, drugs are not my thing. However, having said that you should not change who you are for someone. I had very deep feelings for someone who regularly took a lot of drugs but I chose not to get involved with that person because I didn't feel it fair that he should have to change his lifestyle for me and I wasn't willing to accept it. Your ex should have thought about that at the start imo.

Lastly, I swear by this thought process - think about all the great times you had with your ex. But he wasn't the one for you. So think of your happiest moment with him and just remember that when you meet the guy who is really for you - it's going to be even better than the best time with your ex - isn't that an exciting thought? Being THAT happy? And it doesn't matter how long it takes to happen, the longer the better, all the more you will appreciate it when it does.

Your heart only breaks now so that your true Romeo can mend it for you later, so don't be fixated on "he was the love of your life" because he wasn't, you just wait and see.

Also, don't underestimate the power of a few counselling sessions to talk things out. You're not mad - more people than you believe go.

Good Luck and stay strong
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09-08-2012, 07:29   #3
beks101
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That is a WHOLE lot of stress and drama for an eight month relationship OP. It's actually ridiculous. And all in the honeymoon stage? Forget it. Double that chaos and jealousy and blind accusations and immature snipes and that's where you'll be in another eight months if you get back with this man.

Do as the above poster suggested. Write a big long angry emotional letter and don't stop writing until you're worn out. Then chuck it into the fire and move on with your life. No good can ever come of you and this man.

Oh, and the friendship line is the oldest line in the book. It's a get-out clause that most breaker-uppers use to soften the blow. You don't want or need this man as a friend. A clean break is the only healthy way forward.

Last edited by beks101; 09-08-2012 at 07:31.
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09-08-2012, 11:21   #4
SineadMarie
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Yea i agree with the above poster, you don't need to be friends you just think it will soften the blow of the break up and at least you'll still see him etc. But your not allowing yourself to move on and part of you will have that bit of hope that you can work things out. I've been through it very recently and i'm going to tell you what my friends have told me. Move on and cut all contact your not going to feel better until you do.
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17-08-2012, 13:36   #5
Gooner111
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Maybe I am missing something but I think you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like the type who would mess you about... jealously, judgemental, compairing you to the ex etc

As for remaining friends... that will only hurt you more. Saying being friends and actually being is a hard task to accomplish. After a relationship neither side really wants to know that the other is moving on/being happy etc. It is best to cut all contact and concentrate on yourself for now.

Take up a few hobbies or go see friends. Do things to distract yourself so the less time you spend thinking about him. Take your time and look after yourself
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17-08-2012, 17:08   #6
Buncha Fives
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Strangely I am going through hell as well and its over a short term relationship as well... I really don't know why I am so annoyed about it because all my friends said I had a lucky escape but like OP its hard to walk away and start again when something was so good even it was only for a small time.

Basically we had a brilliant time (most of the time) while we were together but after the initial three month honeymoon period her gaurd slowly started to come down and it was obvious that she had a temper. I am not an argumentative person at all, but we ended up arguing over stuff that was never worth arguing over.

She also had a habit of running me down... nothing too serious but just little things that would ebb away at my confidence, eventually I told her in the nicest way possible that she was starting to wear me down a bit, she flipped and decided we were better off going our seperate ways because she wouldn't be able to change her ways...I found the whole incident gut wrenching and I really couldn't believe that she had so little respect for me! I know I am better off without her but it hasn't been easy.
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17-08-2012, 17:17   #7
Ickle Magoo
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Buncha Fives,

While I appreciate threads in this forum will remind you of your own situation, threads here are specifically for - and specific to - the poster that started them. If you wish advice on your own situation, feel free to post your own thread so you can get advice pertinent to you.

Many thanks.

As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread
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17-08-2012, 21:47   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by breakuphelp View Post
This guy was the love of my life but also one of the best friends I ever had.
He was neither the love of your life or one of the best friends that you've ever had. You were wearing the famous rose-coloured spectacles. He sounds like a complete tosser and you're well rid of him. The fact that you are worried about him spilling secrets that you told him in confidence and the fact that you have already heard stuff back should tell you the type of person that he is.

You should dig deep for the anger that you must have tucked away somewhere and stoke it. Write that letter and then rip it up into tiny pieces and throw them away. As gooner said, distract yourself with friends and other interests.
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