Hi guys, I've been looking through this bit of boards for a while now and have been thinking about the predicament I am in right now. I guess I'm like a lot of others when I say that I really don't like being open and honest with others about the fact that I'm gay (typing this is making me nervous, how can I ever tell people?!) and that I would love just to be able to ignore this part of me but I can't...

I guess I really don't want to come to terms with it because of how much everything around me will change (I know things/opinions/feelings will be altered and irreparable), I just don't want to be that 'one' in the family. The friends I had before going to college I avoid as I just can't help but feel that I am dragging them down as they mature while I'm stuck as a kid in the body of a 'young adult'. I didn't really hit it off at college so I don't really feel comfortable with anyone there to talk with.
I know there is no way around this so I guess what I'd like to know is, when is the right time to tell my parents and siblings and how do I do it? Do I say it to their faces and bear it, or can I send them a text, knock myself out on alcohol and wake up and see their response? I'm a coward mostly, but even I don't think putting distance between us will work.
I have seen across the net that it's becoming more common just to not tell them, but I can't justify doing that, I've always believed in honesty... even if the truth takes a while to be said.

All these teenage insecurities, and I am no longer a teenager :L ! I'd really appreciate any tips you have with this.

[baby and crumble]

I came out to my parents and family when I was 21. I told them, out straight. It was pretty much fine. I'm not singled out as 'the one' or anything- everyone pretty much ignores it, but not in the 'if we don't talk about it it doesn't exist' type way, more in the 'we don't talk about anyone else's sexuality, why should yours be special??!!' kind of way.

You need to get comfortable with who you are first though. At least that's my opinion. It is honestly getting rarer and rarer for people out generation and younger to give a crap about anyone else's sexuality.

[whattotdo]

OP,it's up to you when you should 'come out'.Personally,I never had to come out my parents always knew and I was never the 'one' as I've two gay brothers and a gay uncle.My mother is fine about my sexuality whereas with my father its 'the elephant in the room',if he had a switch to turn me straight he'd press it,everyone has different experiences with friends & family.
My advice would be to come out sometime as life is hard enough without pretending to be someone your not,I see it with my brothers,they tell people they have girlfriends-sometimes forgetting their 'girlfriends' names! I can see from them fact they are not out in work etc it's killing them inside.its no way to live imo.
Overall,people will be accepting and won't treat is as a big deal because there's nothing wrong with it.The only reason we have to come out is because homosexuality is a minority group.
All the best whatever you decide to do,you know best

[1ZRed]

Originally Posted by feelingstuck

Hi guys, I've been looking through this bit of boards for a while now and have been thinking about the predicament I am in right now. I guess I'm like a lot of others when I say that I really don't like being open and honest with others about the fact that I'm gay (typing this is making me nervous, how can I ever tell people?!) and that I would love just to be able to ignore this part of me but I can't...

I guess I really don't want to come to terms with it because of how much everything around me will change (I know things/opinions/feelings will be altered and irreparable), I just don't want to be that 'one' in the family. The friends I had before going to college I avoid as I just can't help but feel that I am dragging them down as they mature while I'm stuck as a kid in the body of a 'young adult'. I didn't really hit it off at college so I don't really feel comfortable with anyone there to talk with.
I know there is no way around this so I guess what I'd like to know is, when is the right time to tell my parents and siblings and how do I do it? Do I say it to their faces and bear it, or can I send them a text, knock myself out on alcohol and wake up and see their response? I'm a coward mostly, but even I don't think putting distance between us will work.
I have seen across the net that it's becoming more common just to not tell them, but I can't justify doing that, I've always believed in honesty... even if the truth takes a while to be said.

All these teenage insecurities, and I am no longer a teenager :L ! I'd really appreciate any tips you have with this.

Well I can tell you my story. I'm more or less where you are now.

I actually came out to a few people a few months ago.
It was Christmas eve and I was drinking in the pub. I think I was there quite late but my friend was also with me. Anyway, whatever got into my head I decided I wanted to tell her but she left before I had a chance.
I ended up drunkenly texting her at about 3 in the morning saying I had to tell her something. I dragged it out and my heart was in my mouth and I told her I was bisexual (I identify more as gay now put it was progress)
She was so supportive of me but I didn't feel a weight off my shoulders at all.
I think I stayed up until about 5 that night (in the darkness) just thinking. And I'm ashamed to admit I just broke down and started crying.
I'd bottled this up for ages and it really ate into me.

Next it as new years, and again I was drunk and I came out to my friend in the middle of the club. Like before I was ****ting a brick, and again, I nearly started crying when I told him but I kept it together. He was completely shocked but hugged me, said he still loved me and that it wouldn't change anything. So I proceeded to get drunk off shots and ended up getting thrown off the taxi home.
Not the best way to do it I'll tell you!

Looking back my sexuality really made me unhappy and for what? It all worked out ok -bar getting loaded and making an emotional ass of myself.
Now I haven't made much progress in the months afterwards and I think I've started to be ok with my sexuality - like, I admit I'm gay now. but I've never been harder on myself because of it. I kind of see it as having a defect and I'm a perfectionist so I kill myself over it and hold myself to a crazy high standard that nobody could ever reach.

My only advice to you is to come out to your friends when you want things to change for the better (you might not be fully ready but its your call to make) because no matter how far your friends have drifted away from you, they'll soon understand that this is why. Once you have the support you need, you can grow from there and be honest with who you are.
It hasn't happened with me yet but I'm slowly working through my issues and once I start college, I want to be truly open about who I am.

This the first time I've posted my feelings or anything else here, I have never told anyone this so it's a big deal for me to tell you. Just don't bottle it all up like me because it's just going to give you problems and if you are anything like me, just ending up resenting yourself.
It's not worth it to let a small part of you define your life and make you unhappy and I understand that now.

Thanks for your responses and experiences I was abit nervous to check back here yesterday so I left it until today. I can't reuse the same name for some reason but it's me again!

I just don't want to be pigeonholed as 'the gay friend'. My mom said when I was younger that she'd 'love me no matter what' and while I want to believe her I still think she'll be a bit sad for me, dad will be dad and would be a bit upset too, my brother is always joking about it and it's gotten to point where I just want to tell him to stop speaking to me if that's all he thinks I am, a stereotype of a 'typical' gay man. I guess I'm really not saying anything new here, typical obsession over my masculinity (not that I am in anyway masculine ) and people's perceptions etc.. But i am just a bit frustrated and feel like yelling it out in anger and just disappear. But not's that the proper way to go about it I know..
It's just like 'I don't mind anyone else being gay, but why ME?'

I just feel that I know people know, but they are too polite to say anything I would almost like to be cornered and made answer but deep down I still know I'd duck out of the truth. I'm going away with some friends on a trip soon and it's going to be a bit awkward when I'm the only one of the small group not making any moves or commenting on all the women around, one of my best friends is going and I feel like I should tell her...but won't I come off as some sort of dramaqueen seeking attention if I do it in the middle of a trip around a country?

And even if I did do this, I'd still be terrified of going up to theLGBT club stand in autumn and drop my coins and sign my name with people watching. I've never ever seen anyone sign up on those soc days and I don't even think I know any gays or lesbians, I tend to just exist by myself and while I like the focus I have by myself, some sort of human interaction with someone who'd be more similar to me would be nice.

[toexpress]

The coming out issue? It's like taking a plaster off ... just rip it fast.

I did it shortly before Christmas, I was still living at home at the time and it was a case of it had to be done. Was uncomfortable for a while but pretty shortly it settled down and now it's really a non issue. So my advice take the bull by the horns and just do it.

There is no "right" time you will always find excuses not to do it and reasons why you shouldn't so it's a case of man up and go for it

[mango salsa]

Originally Posted by toexpress

The coming out issue? It's like taking a plaster off ... just rip it fast.

I did it shortly before Christmas, I was still living at home at the time and it was a case of it had to be done. Was uncomfortable for a while but pretty shortly it settled down and now it's really a non issue. So my advice take the bull by the horns and just do it.

There is no "right" time you will always find excuses not to do it and reasons why you shouldn't so it's a case of man up and go for it

I don't think it's always that simple at all. I personally would never give someone advice like that. I think it's better to do it in your own time not feel that you have to do it in a specific time.

[toexpress]

Originally Posted by mango salsa

I don't think it's always that simple at all. I personally would never give someone advice like that. I think it's better to do it in your own time not feel that you have to do it in a specific time.

God yeah am not saying over tonights dinner table he should chuck it into conversation I am saying that he needs to face up to it (or as I put it man up) and then go for it but to run off and do it today (assuming he hasn't faced up to it would be the wrong thing)

As I said my experience, like a lot of people that I know was difficult at first and you need to be prepared to deal with that difficult period.

Also having re-read my original post I should point out I didn't come at last Christmas, it was 12 years ago

[mango salsa]

Originally Posted by toexpress

God yeah am not saying over tonights dinner table he should chuck it into conversation I am saying that he needs to face up to it (or as I put it man up) and then go for it but to run off and do it today (assuming he hasn't faced up to it would be the wrong thing)

As I said my experience, like a lot of people that I know was difficult at first and you need to be prepared to deal with that difficult period.

Also having re-read my original post I should point out I didn't come at last Christmas, it was 12 years ago

I think "prepared to deal with that difficult period" is the most important point you've made.

[toexpress]

Originally Posted by mango salsa

I think "prepared to deal with that difficult period" is the most important point you've made.

I think that is really all that coming out is about, the "difficult period" but the reality of each of these situations is that it is one of these life issues that we have to deal with how difficult it is partly comes down to our own actions and the manner in which we deal with it. It will be impossible for one of us to advise definitively on such a matter because the dynamic in every family and every relationship is different.

Really what all of this boils down to is making sure there is no drama doing these things in a calm collected fashion and not making a mountain out of a mole hill. It is something that from my view I would hate not to have done because at the end of the day if I died tomorrow and I hadn't told my family they would bury me never knowing who really was and frankly I think that's just a bit sad.

[ShanePouch]

Originally Posted by feelingstuck

Hi guys, I've been looking through this bit of boards for a while now and have been thinking about the predicament I am in right now. I guess I'm like a lot of others when I say that I really don't like being open and honest with others about the fact that I'm gay (typing this is making me nervous, how can I ever tell people?!) and that I would love just to be able to ignore this part of me but I can't...

I guess I really don't want to come to terms with it because of how much everything around me will change (I know things/opinions/feelings will be altered and irreparable), I just don't want to be that 'one' in the family. The friends I had before going to college I avoid as I just can't help but feel that I am dragging them down as they mature while I'm stuck as a kid in the body of a 'young adult'. I didn't really hit it off at college so I don't really feel comfortable with anyone there to talk with.
I know there is no way around this so I guess what I'd like to know is, when is the right time to tell my parents and siblings and how do I do it? Do I say it to their faces and bear it, or can I send them a text, knock myself out on alcohol and wake up and see their response? I'm a coward mostly, but even I don't think putting distance between us will work.
I have seen across the net that it's becoming more common just to not tell them, but I can't justify doing that, I've always believed in honesty... even if the truth takes a while to be said.

All these teenage insecurities, and I am no longer a teenager :L ! I'd really appreciate any tips you have with this.

For me, a lot of hot air is talked about "coming out", and also there is certain pressure to do so from others, whether the pressure is overt or surreptitious. The pressure may be well meant, but it’s plainly wrong. You should “come out” if and when you want to do that, and not for any other reason.

I’ve never asked my mother, brothers or sisters about their sexuality, and just absorbed over time what their preferences were by their choice(s) of partners etc. If any one of them chose to tell me what their sexual preferences were beforehand, that was their choice.

As you can see from the advice here, you should “man up” and do it (whatever that may mean) and so on, all adding to the pressure to do something you may or may not wish to do. Ignore anyone who pressures you, however subtly, to do something and only do it if, and when, you want to do it.

Simply not volunteering the information to your family and friends is not being dishonest, any more than they are being dishonest by not “coming out” as straight.

Choose your own time and place to tell others when that is right, and if that is by asking them to meet a friend, who becomes more than a friend, and they learn about your choice of partners just as you probably learned about their choice of partners, is as good a way as any.

“Come out” if and when you want to do it and if and when you feel ready, and not because you feel some pressure to do it before you are ready.

[toexpress]

Originally Posted by ShanePouch

Simply not volunteering the information to your family and friends is not being dishonest, any more than they are being dishonest by not “coming out” as straight.

A lie of omission is a lie none the less.

By your inflection I can tell that you want to try and make it seem that I am pressuring the person to come out immediately. Clearly this is not the case, as I have stated he needs to face his own issues around his sexuality and deal with it from there. Then yes, it is my opinion that he should come out and not hide his true identity behind a mask. Hiding behind things and constantly having to hide parts of yourself is a very soul destroying way to live.

It brings to mind a guy I know who has similar issues, pretending to be some sort of altruist with a high level of intelligence where there is no visible means of support to this and I imagine, given what I know about his living/professional circumstances that he has become what he is, a person with huge personality issues that now require intervention, as a direct result of living behind a mask. While I can't say that relates entirely to his sexuality that is a part of it, and there are further issues there, years of rejection and abandonment etc. The point of all of this is that no matter what the issues in life are, and we all know life raises issues you must deal with them as they arise because when I think of that particular person I imagine that life in a grotty little flat in Firhouse and being so isolated from everyone must be pretty hopeless and the OP will find that his life becomes equally lonely and hopeless if he doesn't start to address these issues

[ShanePouch]

.

Originally Posted by toexpress

A lie of omission is a lie none the less.  

I have never considered it a "lie" to not know or be told what everyone around me chooses for their sexual preference, so we'll have to differ on that.

Originally Posted by toexpress

By your inflection I can tell that you want to try and make it seem that I am pressuring the person to come out immediately. Clearly this is not the case, as I have stated he needs to face his own issues around his sexuality and deal with it from there. Then yes, it is my opinion that he should come out and not hide his true identity behind a mask. Hiding behind things and constantly having to hide parts of yourself is a very soul destroying way to live.

You may well not think telling someone to “man up” is pressure or that you consider him a liar because he doesn’t tell other of his sexual preference, is not pressuring him, and I have to disagree.

Originally Posted by toexpress

It brings to mind a guy I know who has similar issues, pretending to be some sort of altruist with a high level of intelligence where there is no visible means of support to this and I imagine, given what I know about his living/professional circumstances that he has become what he is, a person with huge personality issues that now require intervention, as a direct result of living behind a mask. While I can't say that relates entirely to his sexuality that is a part of it, and there are further issues there, years of rejection and abandonment etc. The point of all of this is that no matter what the issues in life are, and we all know life raises issues you must deal with them as they arise because when I think of that particular person I imagine that life in a grotty little flat in Firhouse and being so isolated from everyone must be pretty hopeless and the OP will find that his life becomes equally lonely and hopeless if he doesn't start to address these issues

I’m not sure what relevance your friend has to this topic, but to say that he lives in a “grotty little flat”, even if its true, suggest you are an unusual and rather unkind person .

[toexpress]

Originally Posted by ShanePouch

.


I have never considered it a "lie" to not know or be told what everyone around me chooses for their sexual preference, so we'll have to differ on that..

Well indeed we will have to differ on that one, perhaps we don't share the views on being transparent with those closest to us be it by ties of blood or friendship.

Originally Posted by ShanePouch

.
You may well not think telling someone to “man up” is pressure or that you consider him a liar because he doesn’t tell other of his sexual preference, is not pressuring him, and I have to disagree. .

Again, this really is just your opinion, and it's one to which you are entitled

Originally Posted by ShanePouch

.
I’m not sure what relevance your friend has to this topic, but to say that he lives in a “grotty little flat”, even if its true, suggest you are an unusual and rather unkind person .

Well, you are making some wild assumptions here. This person is not my friend, he is someone I am unfortunate enough to have had contact with. He's pretty well known in the gay community and despised, for me, I feel sorry for him. And the point that I am illustrating there is that by ignoring his issues he has ended up in a horrid situation for anyone where there is no doubt a lot of self loathing and displacement issues, I would encourage the OP to address his issues and not follow that self destructive path

As to your personal assessment of me, I don't think this is the forum for throwing around a few intentional insults, indeed I never set out to intentionally upset you and find your comments most out of place. While you are of course entitled to an opinion of me you either keep it to yourself or take it up with me privately. Derailing a thread with your assessment of me is disingenuous in the highest degree.

[StillIncognito]

Very Difficult topic to be giving advice on.

Sexual preference is a small Part of a big life, in my mind it shouldn't be what defines you.

So take it easy