hi all, going anon for this one. ok my partner of 3 years is polish we have a 1 year old son together, living together about 2 years. So his family (parents and younger brother) have decided to come for a visit next month...they have been over to stay a few times since the baby was born, which is great that they want to spend time with their grandson.
The only problem is they have no English (which i don't expect them to, they're in their 70's and never needed it) and I have extremely basic Polish. (Again I am at fault here i should be taking classes or something)
But, when they come to stay it's usually for 1 whole month.. in our house. This is where my big problem is, the last few times they've stayed I was working and even then I found it extremely tiring having to plaster a polite smile on my face after getting home from work when all i want to do is relax and spend some time with my son. Now tho, I have no job, I was made redundant a few weeks ago and I am absolutely dreading their arrival.
Firstly my partner will be at work for 5 days every week so I'm the one that has to sit at home with them all day.. bearing in mind i can't have a conversation with them at all.. Also, they seem to want to know what I'm doing at all times when they are here...Last time everytime i left the house they were asking my partner where i was going "at this hour of the night"... (9pm)
Anyway I tried to talk to my partner about it this evening, i gave out to him because he asked them to come before talking to me, and i told him 1 month was too long as he is bringing our son in September to Poland for a visit anyway.
I am now being accused of not liking his parents and that I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...
How do i get him to see my point of view on this? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me landing my family in our house for a month and sodding off to work everyday leaving him with people he couldn't communicate with!!
Or, to my original question, am i being too selfish??

[ihsb]

It is your home too. I understand that he is probably missing his family and liking the fact that they are over but a month is a long time. Even if you did speak the same language.

Is there any room for a compromise? Say them coming for two weeks? I wouldn't say you are being selfish at all. Sure I love my family but I couldn't even put up with them for a week!

[tatranska]

My wife is Eastern European and her mother came over for 5 weeks after the birth of our son.

We also have my elderly mother living with us.

They both got on and found a way of communicating. I had a tougher time of it adjusting to parental life and not being able to tell MIL to back off a bit and let me be a father to my son.
But it was only for a few weeks which made it easier to allow things go for the time she was over...my wife couldn't have done without having her over.

You have the advantage of knowing some polish. I couldn't communicate, but quickly learnt a few important words.

My wife and son are currently over there for 6 weeks.
Its tough on the grandparents not being able to see their grand kids due to the distance so a few weeks a year is a small price to pay for my son seeing his extended family and getting more exposure to the language (he's not talking yet)

If it were me. I'd let it go. Tell your partner that you want to be able to do your own thing but it may just be the case that they want to go with you when you're going out. Its probably just that they want to know what you're life is like and are taking an interest in it. (I could be wrong )

My MIL insisted on getting the weekly shop with me. We spent a few hours in absolute silence !

[jimmycrackcorm]

I think you are being selfish. I don't know what your own family situation is but obviously your OH doesn't have the same opportunity to spend time with his family.

Is your problem simply just about communication as I'm sure you can adapt to simple niceties? I don't think you are under any obligation to be an entertainer for them.

[BarackPyjama]

Hmmm. I don't think you are being selfish, OP. A young couple with an infant child do not need the added burden of in-laws/parents & brothers coming to stay with them for such an incredibly long period of time. They should know themselves that a month is more than overstaying their welcome. Then again, I do know that Polish families tend to be a lot closer and 'together' in that respect. It's probably just a cultural thing but I can see how you'd be put out. We all have our lives to live as adults and even family can be a pain in the ass in doses that large.

Having said that: I agree with King of Kings - you'll probably just have to soldier on and put up with it. Maybe have a chat with your bf that, maybe next time, they just come over for a week and then you can return the favour by visiting them in Poland. Break up the visits over the year as such.

hi all, thanks for your replies.. my own family live about 20 minutes drive from me and we're a close family so i do understand that my partner misses his family, of course he does.
I do feel obligated to entertain them since they're living in my house, and i just think 1 month is too long considering he's taking our son to Poland for 2 weeks in september and we are planning to spend christmas there as well.
personally i wouldn't stay in anyone's house for a month... 2 weeks is enough!
Plus i don't think its very fair on them, there isn't a lot to do around here and we got rid of the other car when i lost my job so i cant even drive them anywhere!

[Beruthiel]

Wow. I could barely manage a few days, a month would be totally out of the question.
They're not from the other side of the world, so coming for a month is just madness.
Could they not come more often but for a shorter amount of time?
Compromise. Tell your partner that 2 weeks is enough.

As for him saying you're selfish.
You could say that he is also selfish for expecting you to have to live with two people you cannot communicate with for one whole month in what is your home too and expecting you to just put up with it.

My mother in law is french and when she comes to visit, my hubby is well aware of the fact that it is up to him to entertain her, not me.
I don't expect him to entertain my parents.

[username123]

I dont think you are being selfish at all, house guests for a month would be very tiring even if there wasnt a language barrier.

No one seems to be being very practical. What do they expect to do in the house all day every day for 4 weeks? Couldnt they hire a car and do their own thing a bit? There is really no excuse on either side for not learning basic language skills. Is your partner planning on taking time off work to entertain them or spend time with them?

I simply wouldnt allow it and its nothing to do with not liking the in laws, I just wouldnt be a servant to houseguests for 4 weeks. A week, 2 weeks at a big stretch but not 4 weeks. Its pretty rude of anyone to descend upon you for that length tbh.

[Galwaymother]

I do think there is a cultural aspect to this. In many countries families are actually more in each others pockets than here, and if they are separated, try to see one another for as long as possible when they meet.
My own grand-mothers use to come from Argentina to Paris for really long, from 3 to 6 months, and they weren't 'house-guests', but actually helped in every way and relieved my mother of a lot of the housework etc. We would share my bedroom when I was a teen, so it would not be necessarily easy, but that's what families do!
I'm going over to Argentina myself in the Summer for five weeks with my two children, and will be staying in my aunt's for all that time...
I haven't seen this happen here that much, even when family members come from the States, they often take an apartment or travel around, they're not necessarily coming to spend time with the family.
Add a baby to the mix, and well, you have to put yourself in their shoes!
Maybe don't think of them as 'house-guests', but as family?
As for the language barrier, I find people always understand one another for the essentials.
Though I do think they should be able to entertain themselves, not be totally dependent on you (i.e. go for walks, take buses or bikes, do things on their own) and help in the house and with the baby...It's natural and automatic in my family!
Best of luck!

[OS119]

Originally Posted by anonincase

... I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...

i'm struggling to see how not learning Polish while living in an English speaking country is selfish, but then i'm a bluff old traditionalist....

my initial, and over-riding, reaction is to give him the big old FO - i certainly wouldn't want anyone staying in my house for a month, regardless of where they're coming from. if they're going to see your son 3 times this year anyway, and Poland is what, only a 3 hour flight away, then that reaction is even stronger.

the only caveat, and its both only a small one, and its not a reason to tell your him to get a grip and grow-up, is that he may be under pressure from the family back home. that said, it may be an even bigger reason to ensure that he 'gets a grip'. this time its his family coming to stay for a month without consultation - if that goes through without being stamped on, what will it be next time?

[PlainP]

Could you not ask them to say in a B&B for two weeks and your house for the other two weeks?

This would give them time to get out and about themselves but still give them the feedom to drop over to your house when they wanted to.

[Ickle Magoo]

I think you need to sit down and work out how this is really going to work OP and try to thrash out a compromise you are both happy with. As one half of a mixed nationality marriage I think such conflicts are inevitable, we certainly had a few.

Are they going to have a bit of travelling around Ireland while they are here? Is your husband willing to take some time off to entertain HIS family? Is he going to help with all the extra work, cooking, shopping, etc, that they are going to create? If they are coming over for a month is two week trip over as well as Christmas still really necessary? Can they rent a cottage or something nearby? Will they rent a car so they are not stuck in the house with you 24/7? Can you go stay with your parents and give his family your house?

Most of all though - he has to be willing and able to tell his parental family what does and does not suit him and his own wee family...accepting whatever demands and announcements they make and expecting you to carry the majority of the inconvenience and extra work they create is only going to cause resentment to build up - and then the danger is blowing up and causing permanent damage to your relationship with him/his family when being forced to live for such a long time in such close proximity.

All the very best.

[hondasam]

Originally Posted by anonincase

hi all, going anon for this one. ok my partner of 3 years is polish we have a 1 year old son together, living together about 2 years. So his family (parents and younger brother) have decided to come for a visit next month...they have been over to stay a few times since the baby was born, which is great that they want to spend time with their grandson.
The only problem is they have no English (which i don't expect them to, they're in their 70's and never needed it) and I have extremely basic Polish. (Again I am at fault here i should be taking classes or something)
But, when they come to stay it's usually for 1 whole month.. in our house. This is where my big problem is, the last few times they've stayed I was working and even then I found it extremely tiring having to plaster a polite smile on my face after getting home from work when all i want to do is relax and spend some time with my son. Now tho, I have no job, I was made redundant a few weeks ago and I am absolutely dreading their arrival.
Firstly my partner will be at work for 5 days every week so I'm the one that has to sit at home with them all day.. bearing in mind i can't have a conversation with them at all.. Also, they seem to want to know what I'm doing at all times when they are here...Last time everytime i left the house they were asking my partner where i was going "at this hour of the night"... (9pm)
Anyway I tried to talk to my partner about it this evening, i gave out to him because he asked them to come before talking to me, and i told him 1 month was too long as he is bringing our son in September to Poland for a visit anyway.
I am now being accused of not liking his parents and that I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...
How do i get him to see my point of view on this? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me landing my family in our house for a month and sodding off to work everyday leaving him with people he couldn't communicate with!!
Or, to my original question, am i being too selfish??

What age is his younger brother if they are in their 70's?
A month is a long time especially if they cannot do stuff on their own. I'm sure you are not expected to cook for them and entertain them every day.
It is his family and I'm sure you would want him to be nice to your family.
I don't think your are being selfish because it is a big ask with people who are as old as these two.

[analucija]

My parents come for a visit couple times per year. I'd probably kick them out if they'd be staying with us for more than a week or ten days. I don't think you are selfish at all but it is very awkward situation because it's probably better to keep good relations with them. And they do miss their son and grand child. Maybe it would be best to suffer through it this time and make some kind of an excuse and organize shorter visit next time.

[mhge]

I think that you're not selfish in thinking that a month is a lot. I would talk to your OH and try and bring it down to 2-3 weeks or so. It's also not on that he decided without you so pull him up on this.

But (being Polish) I can tell you that there is a lot of factors you're not seeing if you only think about them as house-guests. In a typical family they would see themselves as your family, not guests. They would probably expect to share house duties, babysit etc. rather than expecting to be waited on hand and foot; they may even think they are doing you a favour coming over to help out - if so, use it! Bonding with their grandson would be an important thing in their lives and for a typical family it's not realistic to be able to afford flights for three people multiple times a year, Polish salaries are much lower than Irish salaries and pensions are a joke. You probably won't be flying over lots either if you've been made redundant. To come over to meet your family they are probably giving up their holidays and so they might want to do sightseeing, therefore they'll be out of your hair. Is your brother in law not able to communicate in English? English is compulsory in primary/secondary schools; he may not be confident but it's not likely that he doesn't have any!

I think that you should weigh your reservations against the fact that their contact with their grandson is very restricted compared to yours or your parents' up the road. I don't think it's fair to deny them this contact just because you need to make effort (and the effort may be easier this time since you won't be so tired from work). It is of course fair to try and plan ahead so that it's comfortable for everyone; for example, encouraging or arranging some sightseeing, allowing them to take you son out for walks, making sure you have language help from your BIL, a friend etc. Perhaps your partner has some Polish friends who could take them out, show them places etc., and you could use this opportunity to pick up some phrases and allow your son to absorb some language too. Perhaps your partner can take calls at work, or has a friend who could be available on the phone during the day so that you can have a quick translation if you need it.

Welcome to the joys of living in a multinational family