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team fop · 04-05-2012, 19:11

I have just found out my 15year old daughter I'd pregnant and she is determined to keep it. I am absolutely devastated as any parent would be, she will not tell me who the father is and isn't in a relationship! We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her, she went totally off the rails and we were encouraging and supportive and we honestly felt we were making great progress with her, she seemed to be 'growing out' of it. But this has just been the icing on the cake. She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby. I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety. I am shaking writing this as I am at my wits end and have no idea where to go to next..I feel like I'm in quick sand and time is running out

golden lane · 04-05-2012, 19:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by team fop

I have just found out my 15year old daughter I'd pregnant and she is determined to keep it. I am absolutely devastated as any parent would be, she will not tell me who the father is and isn't in a relationship! We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her, she went totally off the rails and we were encouraging and supportive and we honestly felt we were making great progress with her, she seemed to be 'growing out' of it. But this has just been the icing on the cake. She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby. I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety. I am shaking writing this as I am at my wits end and have no idea where to go to next..I feel like I'm in quick sand and time is running out

i'd say....for the next couple of weeks at least....go along with what she wants.....let...her do the talking..of course you listen intently.....pretend you will accept what she wants.......she will be finding out about the long term issues herself..........if she asks questions.....reply in a non biased way....no lies or exagerrations.....if she thinks you are lying...back to square one.......remember when you first got pregnant......she probably feels much the same........see how that goes....and go on from there......to you she is a young daughter....to her she is a grown woman.....no shouting whatever you do.......

msthe80s · 04-05-2012, 20:08

Hon- big hug for you.As a parent of teens,my heart goes out to you.

As the adult in the equation,you need to look after yourself,maybe go and speak with your GP?

She is a child still,so will be thinking like one,and any rational ideas or longterm issues,will probably go over her head right now.

Take care you.
One step at a time.

BengaLover · 04-05-2012, 20:14

Oh lordy, our worst fears, every one of us, cant imagine how you feel.
I dont think those MTV shows 16 and Pregnant do much to help teens either..
This could be the making of her, if you could keep the lines of communication open and try not to take over - which will be really hard because at the end of the day YOU are the one that knows whats best for her, but if you try to make decisions for her then that could push her away, so for now bite your lip and smile..(or try..)
Try and get her to really think about what kind of life she wants for her and her child when it comes, go and talk to your local social work team, there may be some classes or counselling she could have to prepare her.
My oldest is 17 and the way she is going on right now I may be the next one with the same post as you.

team fop · 04-05-2012, 21:08

Thank you all for your support, I am in total shock that this has happened! I also have a 10year old daughter who I have to this about in this huge mess! I keep questioning where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently!!??? She will not communicate with me, more or less has said she has done this to spite me as she knows it is my worst nightmare, it's scares me this immaturity..this is another human being we are talking about not a doll! I really do need some professional help with this one, but it's a bank holiday weekend so none available

(( please god I will be able to hold my sanity together until Tuesday

Daisy M · 04-05-2012, 21:09

Ok I am not going to pretend this is good news but its not the worst either. Focus on the positive your daughter is in good health she is alive and still in your lives, it would be devestating if she werent. Every time a teenager becomes pregnant it seems like the end of the world but yet when the baby is born all anger and hurt seems to melt away. Get in touch with positiveoptions, even if your daughter has no interest in speaking with them you may find they give you the support and help you need. Best of luck xx

Sharon1111 · 04-05-2012, 21:47

Hi there

I registered so I could wish you some luck. I dont think she did this for spite its just a stupid moment you know the ones. but you are right one stupid minute a life time changed. If she has done this for spite then try your best not to react as this is what she expects, I know it so hard to do but you will feel the bigger person if you walk away from her and you do not give her the reaction she wants. Leave the situation as much as you can this weekend take your other daughter out go for a walk go to the park, forget about housework etc. take some time out to let it sink in. These few weeks will be the worst but as it sinks in you will realise its going to be ok your daughter immaturity will disappear. Remember to give her the responsibility. Things will settle down worse part is telling people feeling shame thinking this is a reflection on you it is not.

You will be glad in a few months that you havent reacted to her.

Bless you I will be thinking of you.

Sharon.

team fop · 04-05-2012, 23:36

Thank you daisy and Sharon for your kind words of support! At the moment I cannot see the wood for the trees, my entire family are disgusted with the situation I am so angry and need some time out. I will contact positive options once the weekend has passed. I really need to know what options there is for her because staying at home with the baby right now isn't one of them as selfish as it sounds

Friends · 05-05-2012, 00:20

I was in the same situation as your daughter a few years ago. I wasn't quite as young, but still young enough.
She might be saying that she did this to spite you as a soft of defence mechanism? She would probably prefer you to be angry rather than dissappointed in her. I know that's how I felt, it was just easier for me that way.
It's hard, but in my opinion you must let her make the final decision on this. My family pushed me into having an abortion and I never got over it. It damaged my relationship with my mother beyond repair and even now I don't think I will ever get over it. I would not wish that on anyone.
No matter how she seems to be coping with this on the outside, she must be terrified. No 15 year could be ok with finding out she is pregnant. I would advise you to support her on whatever she decides, that is what she needs right now. D.o try and convince her to contact the family planning clinic or positive options. They are great services for support and information.

It might seem like a nightmare right now, but at the end of the day a baby is always a blessing. If she goes through with it you will probably find a great change in her maturity and attitude to life. Try not to doubt her abilities.

I wish you all the best of luck.

cynder · 05-05-2012, 13:05

Big hugs,

But it isnt the end of the world, If she wants to keep it that is her choice, to force her to have an abortion could ruin your relationship for years. Don't force her to have the baby adopted. You have to let her make the decision otherwise it will come back and bite you. This could actually be the making of her, she will have responsibility and will have to live up to it.

Check out these guys! http://www.positiveoptions.ie

She wont confide in you if you are like a bull in a china shop. You need to be calm, loving and supportive even though it is your worst nightmare. I know its hard and you want to be angry and scream at her.

The baby could go into childcare and she could continue with school, she needs her mom, be there for her.

titchy · 05-05-2012, 16:46

I can only imagine what thoughts are running through your head right now.
Firstly I would say that your entire family being disgusted is not helping! You need support and help not judgement and to be fair 'there but for the grace of god ....go us all' ,
Secondly I think you need to decide how much help your willing or able to provide and be very clear on this, as the world and its mother will be full of advice judgements etc. but at the end of the day they all get to go back to their homes and close their doors YOU will be the one living it,

Putting emotional issues aside, theres money, space, and many more very practical issues here, day to day realities that will I fear inevitably fall on your shoulders...
But I have no idea of how you will get your daughter to realise these realities , at her age I think a third party may be needed to discuss it rationally with her?

I wish you and your family the very best with what ever decision you come to,

Finaly please dont let small minded people and their opinions upset you, they are the least of your problems , if they have nothing constructive, like offers of actual practical help, to bring to your table then ignore them.

tatranska · 05-05-2012, 21:59

Its been said already and I agree, she doesn't need your disappointment in her. You said yourself -shes a child still- and as such despite the bravado is probably very scared and just needs her parents to give her a hug and tell her everything will be ok..and it will.
Its ok for you to be devastated but in the end she's the one who has really lost out. She has lost her childhood and will have responsibilities no 15 year old should have.
Despite her age, its her body and her child and she needs your support and guidance and your love. Whatever her decision and you may think its the wrong one, its still her decision and she may change her mind as time goes on, but don't try and force her or she will probably just resent you for it and that's what you don't want

I saw my niece after her dad died getting pregnant at 16, it wasn't planned but it happened and her mother was devastated but was supportive. She also made her face reality and take responsibility for what happened. Her mam looked after the baby during the day and she went back to school and took over when she got home.
The dad and his family were a waste of space and soon vanished which was a good thing for them.

I'm a parent, and its every parents worst fear. I really hope you find a way through this.

I am a friend · 07-05-2012, 15:24

Op, am sorry to hear you are going through it.... Just wanted to echo what others have said in that its no reflection on you.

I would be anxious, at some stage, if I were you to find out who the Dad is as she is obviously underage and I would hope he were too... Not trying to add to your pain but I would like to ensure she wasnt preyed upon by someone older.

eviltwin · 07-05-2012, 15:32

Hi OP, just coming at this from a different angle. I was a teen parent myself. I am now in my 30's with a teenage daughter of my own and a younger child and can honestly say having her was the making of me. It was the kick up the bum I needed. I continued with my education, got a great job, a house, married her dad and couldn't be happier really. So it can work out.

Please don't force her to have an abortion, I run a support group for women who have been through abortion - many pressured or forced by partners/family - and it ruins lives. Please don't try and coerce her to do anything, this is her life and she has to make the right decision for her.

Right now the priority has to be to get her fixed up with a doctor and hospital. Some counselling might benefit the whole family too.

Give yourself time to get used to the idea, honestly I am sure you are up to ninety right now but I know looking at my situation which back then was a total disgrace, worst thing that could have happened etc I know we now all look at my amazing daughter and wouldn't be without her for the world.

Friends · 07-05-2012, 16:00

My experience is generally that if the pregnant girl is being that difficult and dysfunctional, it doesn't augur well for the baby's future.

Frankly, adoption would probably be the best thing in this case. Loads of suitable Irish couples travel abroad for adoptions at great expense - maybe €30,000 for one adoption. Adoption is almost certain to give that baby a greater chance in life.

Unfortunately, we have gone from a situation in Ireland where most unmarried women gave their baby up for adoption to an equally ridiculous situation in which it is socially taboo to give one's baby up for adoption, no matter how dysfunctional the mother and father of that baby.

You will come under huge pressure to help out so that your daughter can keep the baby.

Are you willing to stand your ground if you feel that this is not the right course of action?

04-05-2012, 19:11	#1
team fop Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13 Adverts \| Friends	Teenage daughter pregnant I have just found out my 15year old daughter I'd pregnant and she is determined to keep it. I am absolutely devastated as any parent would be, she will not tell me who the father is and isn't in a relationship! We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her, she went totally off the rails and we were encouraging and supportive and we honestly felt we were making great progress with her, she seemed to be 'growing out' of it. But this has just been the icing on the cake. She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby. I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety. I am shaking writing this as I am at my wits end and have no idea where to go to next..I feel like I'm in quick sand and time is running out

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04-05-2012, 20:08	#3
msthe80s Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: on the magic roundabout Posts: 998 Adverts \| Friends	Hon- big hug for you.As a parent of teens,my heart goes out to you. As the adult in the equation,you need to look after yourself,maybe go and speak with your GP? She is a child still,so will be thinking like one,and any rational ideas or longterm issues,will probably go over her head right now. Take care you. One step at a time.

04-05-2012, 20:14	#4
BengaLover Registered User Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: A little to the left of 'over there'. Posts: 2,017 Adverts \| Friends	Oh lordy, our worst fears, every one of us, cant imagine how you feel. I dont think those MTV shows 16 and Pregnant do much to help teens either.. This could be the making of her, if you could keep the lines of communication open and try not to take over - which will be really hard because at the end of the day YOU are the one that knows whats best for her, but if you try to make decisions for her then that could push her away, so for now bite your lip and smile..(or try..) Try and get her to really think about what kind of life she wants for her and her child when it comes, go and talk to your local social work team, there may be some classes or counselling she could have to prepare her. My oldest is 17 and the way she is going on right now I may be the next one with the same post as you.

04-05-2012, 21:08	#5
team fop Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13 Adverts \| Friends	Thank you all for your support, I am in total shock that this has happened! I also have a 10year old daughter who I have to this about in this huge mess! I keep questioning where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently!!??? She will not communicate with me, more or less has said she has done this to spite me as she knows it is my worst nightmare, it's scares me this immaturity..this is another human being we are talking about not a doll! I really do need some professional help with this one, but it's a bank holiday weekend so none available (( please god I will be able to hold my sanity together until Tuesday

04-05-2012, 21:09	#6
Daisy M Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: The wild west Posts: 1,454 Adverts \| Friends	Ok I am not going to pretend this is good news but its not the worst either. Focus on the positive your daughter is in good health she is alive and still in your lives, it would be devestating if she werent. Every time a teenager becomes pregnant it seems like the end of the world but yet when the baby is born all anger and hurt seems to melt away. Get in touch with positiveoptions, even if your daughter has no interest in speaking with them you may find they give you the support and help you need. Best of luck xx

04-05-2012, 21:47	#7
Sharon1111 Registered User Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 1 Adverts \| Friends	Hi there I registered so I could wish you some luck. I dont think she did this for spite its just a stupid moment you know the ones. but you are right one stupid minute a life time changed. If she has done this for spite then try your best not to react as this is what she expects, I know it so hard to do but you will feel the bigger person if you walk away from her and you do not give her the reaction she wants. Leave the situation as much as you can this weekend take your other daughter out go for a walk go to the park, forget about housework etc. take some time out to let it sink in. These few weeks will be the worst but as it sinks in you will realise its going to be ok your daughter immaturity will disappear. Remember to give her the responsibility. Things will settle down worse part is telling people feeling shame thinking this is a reflection on you it is not. You will be glad in a few months that you havent reacted to her. Bless you I will be thinking of you. Sharon.

04-05-2012, 23:36	#8
team fop Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13 Adverts \| Friends	Thank you daisy and Sharon for your kind words of support! At the moment I cannot see the wood for the trees, my entire family are disgusted with the situation I am so angry and need some time out. I will contact positive options once the weekend has passed. I really need to know what options there is for her because staying at home with the baby right now isn't one of them as selfish as it sounds

05-05-2012, 00:20	#9
IKnowHowItFeels Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	I was in the same situation as your daughter a few years ago. I wasn't quite as young, but still young enough. She might be saying that she did this to spite you as a soft of defence mechanism? She would probably prefer you to be angry rather than dissappointed in her. I know that's how I felt, it was just easier for me that way. It's hard, but in my opinion you must let her make the final decision on this. My family pushed me into having an abortion and I never got over it. It damaged my relationship with my mother beyond repair and even now I don't think I will ever get over it. I would not wish that on anyone. No matter how she seems to be coping with this on the outside, she must be terrified. No 15 year could be ok with finding out she is pregnant. I would advise you to support her on whatever she decides, that is what she needs right now. D.o try and convince her to contact the family planning clinic or positive options. They are great services for support and information. It might seem like a nightmare right now, but at the end of the day a baby is always a blessing. If she goes through with it you will probably find a great change in her maturity and attitude to life. Try not to doubt her abilities. I wish you all the best of luck.

05-05-2012, 13:05	#10
cynder Registered User Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Home Sweet Home Posts: 4,131 Adverts \| Friends	Big hugs, But it isnt the end of the world, If she wants to keep it that is her choice, to force her to have an abortion could ruin your relationship for years. Don't force her to have the baby adopted. You have to let her make the decision otherwise it will come back and bite you. This could actually be the making of her, she will have responsibility and will have to live up to it. Check out these guys! http://www.positiveoptions.ie She wont confide in you if you are like a bull in a china shop. You need to be calm, loving and supportive even though it is your worst nightmare. I know its hard and you want to be angry and scream at her. The baby could go into childcare and she could continue with school, she needs her mom, be there for her.

05-05-2012, 16:46	#11
titchy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 37 Adverts \| Friends	I can only imagine what thoughts are running through your head right now. Firstly I would say that your entire family being disgusted is not helping! You need support and help not judgement and to be fair 'there but for the grace of god ....go us all' , Secondly I think you need to decide how much help your willing or able to provide and be very clear on this, as the world and its mother will be full of advice judgements etc. but at the end of the day they all get to go back to their homes and close their doors YOU will be the one living it, Putting emotional issues aside, theres money, space, and many more very practical issues here, day to day realities that will I fear inevitably fall on your shoulders... But I have no idea of how you will get your daughter to realise these realities , at her age I think a third party may be needed to discuss it rationally with her? I wish you and your family the very best with what ever decision you come to, Finaly please dont let small minded people and their opinions upset you, they are the least of your problems , if they have nothing constructive, like offers of actual practical help, to bring to your table then ignore them.

05-05-2012, 21:59	#12
tatranska Registered User Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,334 Adverts \| Friends	Its been said already and I agree, she doesn't need your disappointment in her. You said yourself -shes a child still- and as such despite the bravado is probably very scared and just needs her parents to give her a hug and tell her everything will be ok..and it will. Its ok for you to be devastated but in the end she's the one who has really lost out. She has lost her childhood and will have responsibilities no 15 year old should have. Despite her age, its her body and her child and she needs your support and guidance and your love. Whatever her decision and you may think its the wrong one, its still her decision and she may change her mind as time goes on, but don't try and force her or she will probably just resent you for it and that's what you don't want I saw my niece after her dad died getting pregnant at 16, it wasn't planned but it happened and her mother was devastated but was supportive. She also made her face reality and take responsibility for what happened. Her mam looked after the baby during the day and she went back to school and took over when she got home. The dad and his family were a waste of space and soon vanished which was a good thing for them. I'm a parent, and its every parents worst fear. I really hope you find a way through this.

07-05-2012, 15:24	#13
I am a friend Closed Account Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,398 Adverts \| Friends	Op, am sorry to hear you are going through it.... Just wanted to echo what others have said in that its no reflection on you. I would be anxious, at some stage, if I were you to find out who the Dad is as she is obviously underage and I would hope he were too... Not trying to add to your pain but I would like to ensure she wasnt preyed upon by someone older.

07-05-2012, 15:32	#14
eviltwin Registered User Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,948 Adverts \| Friends	Hi OP, just coming at this from a different angle. I was a teen parent myself. I am now in my 30's with a teenage daughter of my own and a younger child and can honestly say having her was the making of me. It was the kick up the bum I needed. I continued with my education, got a great job, a house, married her dad and couldn't be happier really. So it can work out. Please don't force her to have an abortion, I run a support group for women who have been through abortion - many pressured or forced by partners/family - and it ruins lives. Please don't try and coerce her to do anything, this is her life and she has to make the right decision for her. Right now the priority has to be to get her fixed up with a doctor and hospital. Some counselling might benefit the whole family too. Give yourself time to get used to the idea, honestly I am sure you are up to ninety right now but I know looking at my situation which back then was a total disgrace, worst thing that could have happened etc I know we now all look at my amazing daughter and wouldn't be without her for the world.

07-05-2012, 16:00	#15
ERTYU Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	My experience is generally that if the pregnant girl is being that difficult and dysfunctional, it doesn't augur well for the baby's future. Frankly, adoption would probably be the best thing in this case. Loads of suitable Irish couples travel abroad for adoptions at great expense - maybe €30,000 for one adoption. Adoption is almost certain to give that baby a greater chance in life. Unfortunately, we have gone from a situation in Ireland where most unmarried women gave their baby up for adoption to an equally ridiculous situation in which it is socially taboo to give one's baby up for adoption, no matter how dysfunctional the mother and father of that baby. You will come under huge pressure to help out so that your daughter can keep the baby. Are you willing to stand your ground if you feel that this is not the right course of action?