[thedodger]

[Bootup]

Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.

'I think so,' replied Murphy.

'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.

[thedodger]

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's and the man picks up a crate of Stella beer and sticks it in the trolley.
Wife: "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband: "They're on offer, 10 quid for 24 cans" he says,
Wife: "Put them back we can't afford it"
They carry on shopping and a few aisles down the wife picks up a 20 quid jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
Husband: "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife: "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"
Husband: "So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price!"

[Bootup]

Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.

The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.

However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'

[Bootup]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"No, don't do that" says Mick ”have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Bootup]

I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.



A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his lawyer that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.
'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his lawyer.
'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.



'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'

'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'

'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.

[thedodger]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. "Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

[Bootup]

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,

"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...
it was neither of us."

[thedodger]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? ”
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”
“I haven’t got a clue..” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is.”
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a clock!”

[fryup]

I see its english fellas that are posting jokes about the irish

[Bootup]

Originally Posted by fryup

I see its english fellas that are posting jokes about the irish

[Bootup]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happenedto you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"Thatlittle guy, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Bootup]

The farmer whittled the stick as the tourist approached him. 'How long to get to the nearest town, Paddy?' came the nasal enquiry from the rich American.
The farmer continued to whittle and started to whistle too.
'I said how long to get to the nearest town, Paddy?'
No reply. Just whistle and whittle.
'Gee, Paddy, I've been a walkin' all day. Couldn't you just tell me how aw heck, what's the use,' and the American walked away from the farmer in disgust. He had gone about a hundred yards when the farmer called him back. Exasperated, the American returned.
'It will take you about an hour,' said the farmer.
'Gee, thanks Paddy. But why didn't you tell me that in the first place?'
'Had to see how fast you could walk first,' said the farmer.




Mick the farmer chatted with the new curate who had been a school-mate of his. The farmer told him of how he had been an acrobat in the circus fora few years before going back to the land. The priest looked at his watch and said, 'there'll hardly be any more for confession tonight, I'll just stand here and you show me some of the tricks you used do in the circus.' The farmer performed a few elaborate cartwheels, handstands and finished up balancing himself on the tabernacle on one hand. Just at this stage two late-coming penitents arrived into the church and saw the farmer in the peculiar pose. One became most distressed and said, 'will you look at the penances he's giving. Ill have to go back home and put on my pantees.'

[Bootup]

A Corkman and a Kerryman were boasting about the advanced technology that had been used by their respective ancestors. 'During a recent excavation of an ancient Cork castle', said the Corkman, 'miles of cable were discovered, proving that Corkmen were Using the telegraph hundreds of years ago'. 'That's nothing', said the Kerryman, 'underneath an ancient Kerry castle they found no cable at all, proving that Kerrymen were communicating with each other by radio, when Corkmen were still using the telegraph'.




One Kerryman met another carrying a bag on his back.
'What's in the bag?' asked the first Kerryman.
'I won't tell you', said the second.
'Go on, do'.
'All right then, it's ducks'.
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?'
'Look', said the second Kerryman, 'if you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them'.
'Five', said the first Kerryman.



As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'

[thedodger]

Spoiler:
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