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Fittle · 12-03-2012, 16:21

Just wondering how long you let a situation continue before you listen to your child, and make the changes they want?

Briefly, I've a 9yr old who has been minded by a neighbour (registered childminder, but not working in a creche anymore - only minds my child). There are 2 kids there, and a new baby.

I knew all during the minders pregnancy, that once the baby came along things would be difficult for my little fella. He regularly says that they (the minder and her husband) spend their days shouting at their own kids. I always ask if they say anything to him, and he says they never shout at him, just at their own kids. It's normal day-to-day stuff that goes on in most houses - put your coat on, no, not THAT coat, this coat...go out to play, come in for your dinner and so on. But the hubby is out of work and so is at home all day - so while they wouldn't really be 'arguing', my son sees this as adults shouting and he hates it.

I regularly tell him to just get on with it - that normal mams & dads do this every day (there's just me and him in our house) and overall, he is well looked after at their house. And the fact that they never shout at him means he's doing nothing wrong.

Anyway...last week things seem to have gotten worse for him and every evening he is begging me to find him somewhere else to go after school.

. I know the minder is under stress with the new baby, and with the hubby out of work..but I also know that my lad isn't happy there at all these days...

So do I go and look for an alternative (which might be difficult) that he might also hate in a few months...or what do I do??

I obviously want my son to be happy and my gut is telling me to find an alternative for him. But what if that is an even worse set-up for him??? He is going into 5th class this year though and i'm also aware that he won't need a minder in another few years...

Any advice very much appreciated from ye, thanks alot.

Gurgle · 12-03-2012, 16:25

It doesn't sound like a good environment, and you have to look after your own.
Find somewhere else.

**Moonbeam** · 12-03-2012, 16:28

I think you need to listen to him and work out if he is genuinely unhappy or there is somewhere else that he wants to go.
I am a great believer in listening to kids and taking what they say in to account from when they are old enough to have an opinion.
I think it is going to be very hard on you breaking it to the childminder though especially with her husband out of work and her new baby.

Fittle · 12-03-2012, 16:29

Thanks.

He is minded in our own estate, and spends his days (after homework and food) outside playing. If I put him into an afterschool 'facility', he wouldn't have that.

There is also the issue that this woman is my neighbour - it's a long life, and I don't want to fall out with her over this. She is just getting on with her daily life and while she's looking after him, she doesn't realise the shouting is having the effect it's having on him.

He said to me last week 'Mam, even though they don't shout at ME, I get a pain in my belly when I hear it....'

I grew up in a bit of a madhouse - with ALOT of shouting - and I know exactly what he meant...it broke my heart.

I have to fix this.

Fittle · 12-03-2012, 16:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonbeam

I think it is going to be very hard on you breaking it to the childminder though especially with her husband out of work and her new baby.

Thanks Moonbeam.

I can't possibly tell her that I know her and the hubby spend their days shouting.

How would you approach this with her?

There is an after school facility close to me, but they don't collect from his school. It's a fraction of the cost that I pay her...I was thinking of sayihng I can't afford her anymore, and figuring out a way to get him dropped to that afterschool, and blaming the change on the cost?

I know it's a big lie - but I hate confrontation.

**whoopsadaisydoodles** · 12-03-2012, 16:35

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in Fittle and I don't know how you would broach the subject with the neighbour. But if my child was unhappy going somewhere day in day out, then definitely I would have to do something about it. You know yourself if your own child is just the type to say he doesn't want to go somewhere just for the sake of it, but by the tone of your post I doubt this is the case, and I think your son is genuinely unhappy.

I hate when kids are shouted at constantly

Fittle · 12-03-2012, 16:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoopsadaisydoodles

I hate when kids are shouted at constantly

It's also one of my pet-hates. I hold my hands up and say I do shout at my lad - particularly when he decides he wants to put his converse runners on 30seconds before we leave for school!! - but without meaning to give out about her or the hubby, they tend to spend their day shouting at the two kids - they have quite loud voices anyway, but there's alot of shouting 'eat your dinner' and so on..and of course, now there's alot of 'shhhh, you'll wake the baby!'.

My lad has been complaining about it for a while - but fool that I am, I listened but certainly didn't think it was having the affect on him that it is now having.

He rang me straight after school asking if there was ANYONE else in Ireland who might be able to mind him today

RedXIV · 12-03-2012, 16:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fittle

Thanks Moonbeam.

I can't possibly tell her that I know her and the hubby spend their days shouting.

How would you approach this with her?

There is an after school facility close to me, but they don't collect from his school. It's a fraction of the cost that I pay her...I was thinking of sayihng I can't afford her anymore, and figuring out a way to get him dropped to that afterschool, and blaming the change on the cost?

I know it's a big lie - but I hate confrontation.

Depending on how much she needs the money, she could prefer to hear how to keep your child in her care rather than worry that you know she's shouting. Especially with a young baby, i think every parent is aware they can be a little short but i know I'd prefer to be given the chance to fix the situation rather than just having a source of income taken away.

This is all complete speculation though, and she could be fine financially, but just how I saw it

Fittle · 12-03-2012, 16:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedXIV

This is all complete speculation though, and she could be fine financially, but just how I saw it

She needs the money.

I don't think me having a chat with her will change the whole dynamic of her home life though, do you?

I know how hard it is with new babies - and I gave her the option (many times) of me finding an alternative for him for a few months until she got settled - but she was having none of it! She took him back when the baby was 2wks old - but even before the baby was born, he was complaining about the constant shouting in the house.

Scarlet42 · 12-03-2012, 17:01

you have to take him out .. its not fair on him to go thru that everyday. We had to move our two out of a creche a few years back ..it was a home run creche and my wife and I just weren't happy.

it was a very difficult few weeks but it was so worth it all in the end.

Don't know if its a good idea saying about the money .. she may bring the price down.

you could tell her he has been pestering you to send him to the other place because some of his schoolfriends go to it and he just won't let it go!

Sean

RedXIV · 12-03-2012, 17:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fittle

She needs the money.

I don't think me having a chat with her will change the whole dynamic of her home life though, do you?

I know how hard it is with new babies - and I gave her the option (many times) of me finding an alternative for him for a few months until she got settled - but she was having none of it! She took him back when the baby was 2wks old - but even before the baby was born, he was complaining about the constant shouting in the house.

You know her best of anyone.

If you approach her and it doesn't get fixed, will she think you see her as a "failure" for not being able to adapt to your child's needs? Your son sounds like he wants out, no matter what, if you genuinely don't think the situation will improve, just take him out and say he's started on sports or something. It sucks but better than making him wait for another trial period, having her worry extra about the potential loss of income and you worrying about relations with your neighbours

*CrazyRabbit* · 12-03-2012, 18:59

I think it's only fair to bring this to the attention of the childminder and give them the option to change things. If she can't or doesn't want to, then you have no choice other than to make different arrangements.

It's obviously upsetting your son enough for him to bring it to you repeatedly. If you don't take action, you will lose the trust of your son and he will stop coming to you when something is bothering him. That's the real danger here.

**Moonbeam** · 12-03-2012, 19:32

I don't think she can change things if that is them and the way they behave.
She is probably wrecked tired and thata is causing the stress and shouting.

RubyGirl · 12-03-2012, 20:23

OP, will he be going there for easter, summer holiday's etc. If so I would look into finding him someone else to mind him.

Fittle · 13-03-2012, 10:58

Well, I collected a very unhappy kid yesterday - he is normally a happy enough boy, so I knew there was something wrong. He says it was just more of the same, mam & dad shouting at kids, and then shouting at each other and so on. He spent a good part of the day outside playing, but saw heard enough of the shouting for it to bother him again.

I went down to have a chat with her - I was as diplomatic as I could be and opened the conversation by saying I'm sure she must be very stressed etc. She admitted that herself & himself have been roaring at each other more than often and that she was always conscious that they don't shout at my lad etc.

Anyway, to cut a very long story very short, she said she would try not to shout when he's in the house - I told her that's wasn't what I was asking for and that I knew it was not manageable in the most perfect households, and that I wasn't being over-protective etc. We chatted for a good while.

I'm not sure what to do now though. He won't be there for easter or summer as I usually manage those breaks with camps and other people and annual leave...but I think my gut is still that I should look for a different environment for him for september (I've broken it down into more manageable timeframes for him - now till easter, easter till june b/h and so on).

Who'd be a parent!

12-03-2012, 16:21	#1
Fittle Registered User Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Dublin Posts: 2,550 Adverts \| Friends	When do you listen to the child?? Just wondering how long you let a situation continue before you listen to your child, and make the changes they want? Briefly, I've a 9yr old who has been minded by a neighbour (registered childminder, but not working in a creche anymore - only minds my child). There are 2 kids there, and a new baby. I knew all during the minders pregnancy, that once the baby came along things would be difficult for my little fella. He regularly says that they (the minder and her husband) spend their days shouting at their own kids. I always ask if they say anything to him, and he says they never shout at him, just at their own kids. It's normal day-to-day stuff that goes on in most houses - put your coat on, no, not THAT coat, this coat...go out to play, come in for your dinner and so on. But the hubby is out of work and so is at home all day - so while they wouldn't really be 'arguing', my son sees this as adults shouting and he hates it. I regularly tell him to just get on with it - that normal mams & dads do this every day (there's just me and him in our house) and overall, he is well looked after at their house. And the fact that they never shout at him means he's doing nothing wrong. Anyway...last week things seem to have gotten worse for him and every evening he is begging me to find him somewhere else to go after school.. I know the minder is under stress with the new baby, and with the hubby out of work..but I also know that my lad isn't happy there at all these days... So do I go and look for an alternative (which might be difficult) that he might also hate in a few months...or what do I do?? I obviously want my son to be happy and my gut is telling me to find an alternative for him. But what if that is an even worse set-up for him??? He is going into 5th class this year though and i'm also aware that he won't need a minder in another few years... Any advice very much appreciated from ye, thanks alot.

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12-03-2012, 16:25	#2
Gurgle Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5,016 Adverts \| Friends	It doesn't sound like a good environment, and you have to look after your own. Find somewhere else.

12-03-2012, 16:28	#3
Moonbeam Moderator Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: TheLandOfMakeBelieve Posts: 10,215 Adverts \| Friends Mod: Adoption, NCI, Parenting	I think you need to listen to him and work out if he is genuinely unhappy or there is somewhere else that he wants to go. I am a great believer in listening to kids and taking what they say in to account from when they are old enough to have an opinion. I think it is going to be very hard on you breaking it to the childminder though especially with her husband out of work and her new baby.

12-03-2012, 16:29	#4
Fittle Registered User Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Dublin Posts: 2,550 Adverts \| Friends	Thanks. He is minded in our own estate, and spends his days (after homework and food) outside playing. If I put him into an afterschool 'facility', he wouldn't have that. There is also the issue that this woman is my neighbour - it's a long life, and I don't want to fall out with her over this. She is just getting on with her daily life and while she's looking after him, she doesn't realise the shouting is having the effect it's having on him. He said to me last week 'Mam, even though they don't shout at ME, I get a pain in my belly when I hear it....' I grew up in a bit of a madhouse - with ALOT of shouting - and I know exactly what he meant...it broke my heart. I have to fix this.

12-03-2012, 16:35	#6
whoopsadaisydoodles Sure couldn't it be worse! Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 15,545 Adverts \| Friends Mod: After Hours, Ladies Lounge Mods, The Ladies' Lounge, TTC	That does sound like a difficult situation to be in Fittle and I don't know how you would broach the subject with the neighbour. But if my child was unhappy going somewhere day in day out, then definitely I would have to do something about it. You know yourself if your own child is just the type to say he doesn't want to go somewhere just for the sake of it, but by the tone of your post I doubt this is the case, and I think your son is genuinely unhappy. I hate when kids are shouted at constantly

12-03-2012, 17:01	#10
Scarlet42 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 158 Adverts \| Friends	you have to take him out .. its not fair on him to go thru that everyday. We had to move our two out of a creche a few years back ..it was a home run creche and my wife and I just weren't happy. it was a very difficult few weeks but it was so worth it all in the end. Don't know if its a good idea saying about the money .. she may bring the price down. you could tell her he has been pestering you to send him to the other place because some of his schoolfriends go to it and he just won't let it go! Sean

12-03-2012, 18:59	#12
CrazyRabbit *Not actually a rabbit Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Your back garden Truly brilliant Posts: 7,550 Adverts \| Friends	I think it's only fair to bring this to the attention of the childminder and give them the option to change things. If she can't or doesn't want to, then you have no choice other than to make different arrangements. It's obviously upsetting your son enough for him to bring it to you repeatedly. If you don't take action, you will lose the trust of your son and he will stop coming to you when something is bothering him. That's the real danger here.

12-03-2012, 19:32	#13
Moonbeam Moderator Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: TheLandOfMakeBelieve Posts: 10,215 Adverts \| Friends Mod: Adoption, NCI, Parenting	I don't think she can change things if that is them and the way they behave. She is probably wrecked tired and thata is causing the stress and shouting.

12-03-2012, 20:23	#14
RubyGirl Registered User Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 865 Adverts \| Friends	OP, will he be going there for easter, summer holiday's etc. If so I would look into finding him someone else to mind him.

13-03-2012, 10:58	#15
Fittle Registered User Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Dublin Posts: 2,550 Adverts \| Friends	Well, I collected a very unhappy kid yesterday - he is normally a happy enough boy, so I knew there was something wrong. He says it was just more of the same, mam & dad shouting at kids, and then shouting at each other and so on. He spent a good part of the day outside playing, but saw heard enough of the shouting for it to bother him again. I went down to have a chat with her - I was as diplomatic as I could be and opened the conversation by saying I'm sure she must be very stressed etc. She admitted that herself & himself have been roaring at each other more than often and that she was always conscious that they don't shout at my lad etc. Anyway, to cut a very long story very short, she said she would try not to shout when he's in the house - I told her that's wasn't what I was asking for and that I knew it was not manageable in the most perfect households, and that I wasn't being over-protective etc. We chatted for a good while. I'm not sure what to do now though. He won't be there for easter or summer as I usually manage those breaks with camps and other people and annual leave...but I think my gut is still that I should look for a different environment for him for september (I've broken it down into more manageable timeframes for him - now till easter, easter till june b/h and so on). Who'd be a parent!