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02-03-2012, 20:28   #16
boobar
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Originally Posted by I've messed up my life View Post
Don't really know where to start so I'll just blurt it all out...

I'm in my early thirties, virgin, no friends, living in a house share, no social life, no confidence, ill at ease with my looks (goofy teeth, no chin, receding hair, short, skinny), passive aggressive and loner.

Despite all this I have an okay job, reasonable salary and somehow a thin veneer over myself that I think has fooled most people about my situation - at least I hope it has. Because if it hasn't, they know I'm in turmoil and are ignoring it - which is worse.

I can't make friends - just can't. Tried, but can't.

I dream about moving away from Ireland, but can't. (My father is very ill, and my family kind of rely on me to help out at home). I'm not even sure what moving away would gain me as I'd still be the same person that I am here - just living in a different country.

I think I've been badly influenced by TV - I think everyone should have a social life like Friends, that girlfriends are as easy to come by and should be as beautiful as in the TV programmes. That everyone needs to look perfect. That everyone social life is like a Guinness ad.. That your dinner is not correct unless it looks like something cooked on a TV programme.

I've seen programmes from America and life seems so fantastic - sunshine, beaches, winter sports, motor sports, lots of activities and lots of people enjoying them. Look at Ireland - everyone goes down to a dingy pub, gets drunk, eats some crappy takeaway food and goes home. A successful night is not getting involved in an altercation with some other guy. Chances of meeting a girl - zero. Whereas in USA, yes there is bar life and violence, but there are so many sport and activities to pursue that don't exist here or are small cliquey clubs. Plus from my visits there, it seems that people are more open and friendly. I find Ireland to be a bunch of clannish eejits who have their own groups and at my age there are not many openings for me.

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

I did try once to chat to a girl in a bar, she turned her back on me and ignored me. It was very humiliating. That would have been approx 10 years ago now and I’ve not spoken to a girl I don't know since. It's only as I type this that I realise its been so long and that there might be some significance to the event.

I don't know how to improve my life here in order to make me happy. I want to date girls, but I've no experience and there doesn't really seem to be the just dating culture that other cities have. The impression I get is that dating in Ireland is a means of finding someone to marry rather than having a good time with someone (take 'having a good time' to mean whatever you want, I'm not only talking about the obvious).

I've never dated anyone or had a girlfriend. I'm the only singleton at my work. When I do go out I never see anyone I really fancy. I am intimidated by girls because I've not had much exposure to them. I'm scared of being cheated on or rail-roaded into things I don't want to do because I'm so timid and meek around girls.

I've been attending counselling for about a decade now on and off. Obviously it hasn't worked! I am stuck and nothing so far has helped. I'm not even sure if I want help as although I hate where I am, I am comfortable here and know it. I want to change, but I don't like change. Even changing my daily routine upsets me at times.

Why would I not want change, yet spend time and money on counselling in order to achieve something I don't want? I think I do want change, but what I want is not realistic.

In the evening I sit in my room (like I am now, typing this out) alone watching You-tube videos, internet TV, or porn. I don't chat much to my house mates - in fact everyone sits in their rooms too!

I have such low self confidence and in my appearance that I'm considering getting braces (cost ~ £6000GBP) and am taking finasteride/propecia for my hair loss (not sure of its success, but I had a scare with my 'reproductive organs' which can be caused by propecia - yet I continue its use and accept the risk).

I overhear people talking (mostly young people at uni leaving age) talking excitedly about going to USA, Canada, England or Australia to live and work. I get jealous – really jealous. It all sounds so exciting. They know people there earning good money and having a great time. Good weather, etc. Life seems so much better in other places. Familiarity breeds contempt. The grass is greener on the other side.

My family means a lot to me and I could never leave them, but still I yearn for life in another country - like the USA. Is it a real yearning for the American way of life or is it the American dream I want? I don't know. I dream of winning the lottery too. Maybe improving my life here would put things into a better perspective. People say that girls get easily suckered in by marketing and feel burdened by the media to look and act in a certain way. Well, I feel that pressure too. I'm bringing it on myself.

I want to look like Beckham, have a beautiful wife who is pretty and demure yet dirty in the bedroom, etc. Who am I kidding? As I write this I know it is all rubbish, but it is how I feel. I am totally suckered in.

I love my family but at times I feel they are holding me back from spreading my wings. I think in my family (my parents) there is a shame associated about going abroad to work you weren't good enough to get one here. My parents have not spent more than 5 weeks away from home town in my living memory so I don't believe they appreciate the appeal of living in a foreign country. I don't even know if I want to leave. It might be that it seems like a quick and easy fix. That is the problem of living on a farm. Townies will not understand the connection with the land. I love it and hate it in equal measures. Mostly hate at the minute. There is nothing like making hay in your family's own field on a hot sunny summers day. Equally, that same field can hold you back and stifle you in so many other ways.

My parents helped me out whenever they could – to the point of where I feel sometimes that I've not been able to let go and stand on my own two feet. Maybe, it can be construed as stifling my development. I don't know. They meant well, but I feel stunted. Like a young bird not allowed to fly off the nest on the cliff face. All the other baby birds do so, open their wings and fly away, despite the dangers of the rocks below, yet I'm still in the nest.

I get stressed easily and am always worrying about something or someone. If it is not work, it is an ill family member. If not that then it is any combination of what I have written above. It is affecting my sleep. However, I'm not taking sleeping tablets and am trying to avoid them.

I'm not even sure why I've spent the best part of 1.5 hours writing this out. I know that none of you will be able to help me. So why have I done this? I don't know. There is nothing that you can say to help me. Numerous counsellors over a period of 10 years could do nothing.

Yet, every now and again, when things are down I sit in front of this computer and go through this same process and write out this almost identical post on some forum or another. It has been on here many times and it been on many other sites too. Maybe it is theraphy for me to go through this process.

Why do I do it when I don't think you will be able to make the penny drop or clear the fog? I don't know - maybe it is that nice warm feeling when you see that some else has spent a considerable amount of time to write a reply. I really appreciate it when someone replies. It makes me feel wanted when I see that. When you are in my situation and see that strangers care enough to give up some time to try and help you it does give you a lift.

I've tried so may things from fluxotine, CBT, through to God knows what and it hasn't helped. <Mod snip>

I so badly want my life to be fun, exotic, ladies, laughter and happiness. However, I also know that is fantasy. Real life is a grind. But surely it has to be better than what I've currently got?

I also know that there are people in a worse position than myself. But then I equally know that there are many many more people in a better place than myself.


I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent and articulate, so why can I not sort this problem out?

Even if you can't help, I hope it will give food for thought to someone who might be in a similar situation or who maybe doesn't even realise they are in a similar situation.

Please post this.
You haven't messed up your life. You're a virgin, it's no biggie. In your thirties, you have a lot of life ahead of you.

Look on the positives, you have a good job, you are articulate and you obviously know you want to get more out of life. Plus you have family that you love and who love you.

Now, forget the looks thing, most people have hang ups about looks in some way. Make the most of what you have, dress well and put the best side out.

Don't give up on things like clubs and sports even if they are badly organised.

Get out of the room, get off the internet, and make an effort to meet people. Don't focus on meeting girls. You must have some interests outside of work, focus on those. Even try helping out with a charity or taking on a course (for fun).

I know some people will read this and go here's the old join a club thing but it does work. If you like squash join a squash club, if you like photography like that club. Just do it.

Online dating - to heck with it, just go for it.

And as for the Friends thing, even the actors in Friends would love that life. It's not real, so come on, get real, get out of the room.

Best of luck to you OP.
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02-03-2012, 21:02   #17
dellas1979
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And you know what, just to show the medicine is for/applies to all people, following on from my earlier post, there was something I wanted to do but thought i didnt have the bottle to do. Well, I just did it. The result whether for the good or for the bad, or whatever, I know that at least I tried.
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03-03-2012, 14:51   #18
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OP, its never too late for change. At one point or another, many people have been in your shoes. Most wish and dream for that miracle change, but unfortunately, nobody will drop into your life and do it for you. Your the only one can make the changes needed for you and your life.

Its scary, yes, but it also fills you with a wonderful sense of self achievement that can quickly become addictive and before you know it, you will have changed all the things about your life that you don't like.

Go for it !!! and best of luck xxx
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03-03-2012, 21:38   #19
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Hi Op

I would strongly suggest you read 'Letters of a love hungry farmer" by John B Keane and 'The Great Hunger' by Patrick Kavanagh, I mention these two texts because the main characters are virgin men who never find love and their lives are wasted but also they have a powerful attachment to the land. If you read them and I hope you will, the end of their lives will I hope act as catalyst for change for you. You say you want change but you fear it, at the moment your fear is far greater than your need to change. It sounded to me that you get an almost perverse form of pleasure from your misery, I know cos I can be like that myself. Life is a massive risk and you have to be open to it I(which also means getting egg on your face, being rejection, being annoyed, but equally being open to the good stuff too). Another poster gave a fanastic reality check on friends and I think that is worth considering.
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03-03-2012, 22:19   #20
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hey op,
I hope you have considered all the advice. I'd like to add that for about 2 years in my 20s, every morning when I woke, the first words in my head were,' life has no meaning anymore, I wish I was dead,' now i'm grand, my first thoughts are, can't wait to get out with the dogs to the beach.....all I mean is, things can turn around, but you have to move them, and yes it is hard, but so worth it.
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05-03-2012, 21:16   #21
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Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.
 
06-03-2012, 22:13   #22
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I have tried. I try at the gym I got to 4-5 times per week. Nothing returned. Just a few people who say hello and small talk about how busy it is.

I was made fun of at school due to how I looked and certain other things. These things have had a large effect on me. My so-called friends sniggered at my record with girls. It has got me down.

It's easy to sit on a computer and write a reply telling me to kop on or similar. It's a lot more difficult for me than any of you could ever know.

Do you not think I know that in my 30's this is probably the last chance I have to reclaim a 'normal' life before I become a bitter old lonely man? Do you think I don't know that?

Quote:
Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become.
You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.
 
08-03-2012, 11:15   #23
gud4u
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Originally Posted by stopbeingloser View Post
Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.

He has a point, I hope you can turn it around, I went to a new sports club lsat nite, I was so nervous, but they were great. Heading out again tonight with another exercise group and back on Friday to the same club as last night. Self confidence is a muscle, use it or lose it, Start small and build up.
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08-03-2012, 12:48   #24
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You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.
He gave advice trying to tell you how much hard work being social is. And that if you put the time and energy into it it does pay off. He was not being full of himself. He was telling you that his life did not fall into his lap. He had to work at it just like you are going to have to.

OP people are trying to help. We know it is difficult. You just have to look at other PI threads and bits about depression to realise that there are people out there working through lots of issues. Some are worse then yours. But they still try.

Your attitude needs to change. No one is against you. Life is not easy for everyone else, it has not fallen in to their lap. It is a hard one. For everyone at some point in their life. Anyone that meets you in the gym or anyone else that doesn't talk to you. They don't know what you are going through. They don't know that you are different to any other person so they talk to you the same way as they would anyone else. In passing.

Change your attitude. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And for the sake of any future partners stop watching the porn! It is obviously screwing with your view of women.
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08-03-2012, 13:05   #25
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I have tried. I try at the gym I got to 4-5 times per week. Nothing returned. Just a few people who say hello and small talk about how busy it is.
The gym isn’t the place to make friends. People tend to go there to work out on their own. The way to meet people is to get involved in activities, clubs or classes.

Quote:
I was made fun of at school due to how I looked and certain other things. These things have had a large effect on me.
Almost everyone has been made fun of in school for one reason or another, myself included. At over 30 years of age you really REALLY need to put that stuff behind you.

Quote:
It's easy to sit on a computer and write a reply telling me to kop on or similar. It's a lot more difficult for me than any of you could ever know.
There you go with the ‘woe is me’ attitude again. Of course it’s easy for us to tell you to cop on. I know how hard it to do though, I’ve been there. I bet a lot the other people replying have been there too. It’s HARD. Nobody is denying that. But you really have to drop the attitude and put in the work.

Quote:
Do you not think I know that in my 30's this is probably the last chance I have to reclaim a 'normal' life before I become a bitter old lonely man?
Wrong. It’s never too late to get your life sorted out. Stop with the negativity.

Quote:
You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.
Maybe you should go back to your first counselor. From the sounds of your posts your current counselor has just been molly coddling you and reinforcing the way you seem to see yourself as a victim in all this. You need some tough love and to be proactive. The time for molly coddling is over.

Last edited by woodchuck; 08-03-2012 at 13:10.
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08-03-2012, 13:10   #26
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Life IS Hard

It's one of the first things I realised before getting myself together.

You will get very honest, unsweetened advice here, it is one of the things I like about it, I also had 4 counsellors, so I wouldn't give up on that either.

Like you. I also had abuse from peers growing up and it took a long time for me to realise I actually wasn't the freak I thought I was.

When things are bad I follow a 4 step plan my husband came up with...

1. Drink some water.

2. Go for a walk.

3. Get a haircut.

4. Get a well placed but meaningful kick up the ass from someone, preferably someone constructive.

While each thing might seem silly, when you consider and do them they work.

As long as you're sitting thinking, you cannot move, forward, backwards, sideways.

Can I suggest you move house share, just for the sake of moving in some direction.


Just adding to above post, I actually tend to avoid people at the gym, I'm usually plugged into my ipod, pummeling a threadmill and if I was single, I wouldn't want to be chatting to a fella and I all redfaced and manic looking.
That said, I met my husband in a swimming pool!

Last edited by gud4u; 08-03-2012 at 13:14.
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08-03-2012, 13:43   #27
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Originally Posted by stopbeingloser View Post
Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.
Sunbeds are a bad bad bad bad idea. They are strongly linked to causing skin cancer. The tan you get from them looks awful too. There is nothing wrong with not having tanned skin.
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08-03-2012, 22:26   #28
OP_here_again
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Look, I've tried loads of things:

Numerous night classes from cooking to foreign language and computing.
Watersports.
Group holidays.
Volunteering.
When I am out I chat to everyone and anyone who is in the group. I really don't think any of my friends know the position I am in. There may be some suspicions, but I don't believe anyone know exactly what is happening.


My work hours vary, so comitting to classes or anything on a regular basis can be difficult for me.

I like going to the gym. It is something I enjoy, it gets me out of the house and keeps me active. However as has been pointed out, not a great way to meet people.

I like movies, but have no interest in sitting around afterwards pontificating about the merits of it. When I go to the cinema, I just watch the movie and go home.

Weekends - I'm not going to go to a pub on my own. Whilst some would see it as brave and getting out there, I see it as a slippery slope for me. I also have to help on our farm which is isolated and my friends are not there to go out with.

I can't get away from the farm. I need to help my father - he is ill and can't work it himself.

I've been in this city now for approx 15 yrs and I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. Because I am not here at weekends I don't get a true chance to socialise or go to clubs etc. Evenings are sometimes not possible as I can work to 7-8pm and then go home -> getting dinner around 9pm.

As for the dig about my counsellor moddlycuddling me - not happening. I've not seen a counsellor for over 1yr now and have no intention of going back. As you can see it didn't work for me. Talking about the past continually did not help me fix the future.
 
08-03-2012, 23:40   #29
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You have a lot of excuses here OP. I think every suggestion has got an excuse in your head.
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09-03-2012, 00:10   #30
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OP you’re starting to contradict yourself. In your original post you said you have no friends, but in your last post you refereed to friends of yours twice. Do you have friends or not? Do you not consider the friends you have true friends and if so why not?

In your original post you said you’d only tried one activity, but in your last post you’ve listed off a ream of things you’ve tried. Have you not gotten to know some people from these places that you could spend more time with? Are these the friends you’re referring to in your last post?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OP_here_again View Post
Talking about the past continually did not help me fix the future.
This is first sensible thing you’ve said, but I don’t think you’re listening to your own advice. From your posts you still seem fixated on events from the past and using them as excuses for the way you are today. Leave the past in the past.

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Originally Posted by OP_here_again View Post
Weekends - I'm not going to go to a pub on my own. Whilst some would see it as brave and getting out there, I see it as a slippery slope for me. I also have to help on our farm which is isolated and my friends are not there to go out with.

I can't get away from the farm. I need to help my father - he is ill and can't work it himself.
How does he manage the rest of the week when you’re working a full time job in another city? I’m assuming he has people working for him then, so why does he also need you to help him out? Surely you could come to a better arrangement with him. Even for example that you help out on a Sunday, but you have your Saturday to yourself so that you can socialise etc.

Last edited by woodchuck; 09-03-2012 at 00:58.
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