I recently lost my wonderful husband to cancer. He was sick for a very short time and my three children and I are beyond devastated. I know that anger is part of grief so perhaps the anger I'm feeling towards his family right now is simply a grieving stage or perhaps I actually have a valid point. Let me know what you think please.

I am dealing with a funeral bill of 8500 euro. I paid 500 off already. Nobody in his family (his mom, brothers and sisters (all adults and all in employment except his Mom)) has offered a single cent towards the funeral bill. I am his wife and the bill is of course my responsibility legally. But with three young children and no life insurance I guess I expected them to at least chip in a couple of hundred euro each. But no, nada, zilch. Nothing towards the funeral, nothing even towards the after-funeral food & drinks (and believe me they ate and drank their fill). My own family and I paid that pub bill. Nothing towards anything. Not even a measly 20 quid to get our youngest a toy.

There is a bereavement grant of 850 and then there is also a Widowed Parent grant of 6000 euro. His family have said "sure that 6000 grant along with the bereavement grant will cover the bulk of it". True. But the 6000 is actually designed to help a widowed parent with the cost of parenting, it's not necessarily for the funeral and I certainly could do with some of that money towards day to day parenting costs. Also, it's the principle of the thing. I know that I would *want* to contribute to my brother's funeral if I was the bereaved sibling or to my child's funeral if I was his Mom.

What do you guys think?

[Daisy M]

Firstly I am really sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best for the future.
As regards your inlaws I cant understand how they are not bending over backwards to help you. We wouldnt be well off but if this was either mine or my husbands sibling we would try and help as much as possible and what we couldnt give financially would be more than made up for in practical help.

However I dont think you getting angry will help I think you need to accept this is the way they are and move on and concentrate on coming to terms with your loss. All the best to you and your children.

[banie01]

My condolences on your loss, it a heartbreaking time I hope you stay strong for yourself and for your kids.
I firmly believe that yes your inlaws should make some kind of effort to support you at this time especially in the practalicaties of your childcare.
But as too often happens and indeed happened in my own case
Once the bill comes in, the offers of financial support dry up and all too often the practical help does too.
When my partner died, I was left in a very similar position to yourself and my inlaws whilst they were no financial support to me did offer me fantastic support in regards to emotional stability(even my M.I.L ) and childcare.
I'm grateful for that support but as you know yourself, when the bills are piling up its the financial leeway thats more necessary than the platitudes.

I'm 4years and 10 months down the road now and whilst I never received any financial support from my in laws towards the funeral costs(or indeed the state as we were unmarried but together 12yrs) and to be honest I'm still supporting them financially through their own troubles...
I'm grateful for the practical help that they did and do give me.

You are in a situation where you need to weigh up the benefits of any practical support your in laws can/will offer you against the fallout that could result from asking your in laws for cash.
Have you spoken to them regarding the situation at all?

[axel rose]

Hi Indisguise,
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I'm in a similar situation to Banie, I lost my husband when my son was a baby.

Very often people just don't think. I don't believe that means that they are bad but just that they just don't 'get it'. Most people don't know what it's like to be young, parenting and grieving. (Nor should they!)

Also it's typically Irish not to mention money-particularly in relation to funerals! (I remember being terrified as I had no clue how much they cost.) For what it's worth- I paid the full cost of my husbands funeral bill. I would have been annoyed if they offered. My logic would be that he was my husband and therefore my responsibility. I used all of my grant <and some> to pay for it.

I don't see the benefit of betting annoyed with your in laws. It will cause you more grief in the long run. That's where your family can be great for venting off to. In their defence you don't know what their attitude may be-times are hard for most of us and they may just not be able to afford it- perhaps they don't want to offend you....or they may believe that you don't need the financial help.

I wouldn't read too much into the family not getting the children toys- they lost their son and perhaps couldn't see beyond that. As banie suggests I would look at what your in-laws can provide......childcare, lifts, gardening etc.......Maybe they will be less than useless but at least there isn't the potential hangover of an ugly argument when things are already so raw for you. You may need to speak with your GP to organise counselling so you can get these feelings off your chest.


On a boringly practical level, you may be able your funeral director to pay in instalments.....or the credit union?

[cynder]

Sorry for your loss, unfortunately that's the ways things go. You are the spouse and sole responsibility lies with you. My husband had cancer 3 years ago, we had 3 young kids, but he has something in place if that were to happen, so I wouldn't bare the financial burden. There is something in placefor r me as well.

If you need help ask, if they won't help after you have asked then I'm afraid that's the way it will be.
Your probably feeling overwhelmed at the moment, try talking, asking your in-laws for help.

[I am a friend]

I am sorry for your loss.

On a practical level - have you looked into that bill? €8k seems very high (and I know it's not that you wouldn't spend it but...)

[dixiefly]

I am very sorry to learn of your very sad loss. I hope the pain lessens for you and your children over time.

Is there any of his siblings (or perhaps his mother) that you could speak that has a good influence over / link with the other siblings? I was thinking that you could ask them for a loan of, say €1000 each and, in so doing, get an opportunity to explain your financial circumstances. in reality it is likely that some would be able to afford to give you something and some will not. You may be able to cover €3000/€4000 this way. Once they do realise that things are tough financially as well as emotionally for you they way not want the moeny back for a long time, if at all.

Best of luck.

[Janedoe10]

Sorry for your loss . I do also believe that they should help . It's interesting that not one from his side has asked about costs . I guess if they brought it up and u said it was difficult it would be putting them in an awkward situation... U don't know about their financial situation either and this could be it too . They can't offer because the money is not there .. One thing for your self when did thatc widowed grant come in ? Only reason why I saw that is 2 yrs ago a lady I know who widowed her husband did not have the means to pay for the funeral . She went to the social welfare officer who gave her a cheque for most of the costs . She has to supply invoices erc to prove how much it costed . Then balance funeral home agreed to. Weekly payement to clear balance . It was weight off her ...

[Doogieboogie]

Unfortunately it seems to be quite common. My own in-laws didn't offer a penny, not even for the tea and sandwiches at the hotel afterwards. My husband also died without life insurance, and I've been left with a big mortgage. I think that they think I'm all set up with a nice big house etc - if they only knew. I have never asked them for a penny nor will I, and not because I think he was my husband and therefore my responsibility - they never offered, so the hell with them. I know if it had been my husband that had died, my family would have looked after him, no question.

I'm truly sorry for you and your childrens loss. I hope that you are being as kind to yourself as you possibly can. I'm two years widowed, and while the loss never goes away, life gets less difficult. Take care x

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to say thanks.

Well, I have spoken with the funeral home and the bereavement grant of 850 euro came through so I gave them that + a few hundred more and I will try to pay the rest off monthly over the coming 12-15 months. It's the best I can do. No offers of help from any in-law yet and I expect none. 3 of them could certainly contribute without batting an eyelid, they are far from broke! But I've moved past that now and it's their loss. I know when my brother died I was proud to pay towards his funeral and it made me feel good, like I 'looked after' him. They did nothing, not a wreath, not a donation to a charity, zilch. Their loss, like I say!!!

Thanks everyone.

xxx