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gud4u · 08-02-2012, 21:58

HI,

I lost my father in law almost a year ago. I was really close to him as I don't have a relationship with my own father.

I did everything for him, all his appointments, care, I was the first to know all his results and pass them on to my husband and his mother.

I held his hand as he died while his wife waited downstairs.

I organised the funeral and supported my husband and his mother.

When I get upset and that's been once since the funeral my husband just said, don't be upsetting yourself, I'm fully aware that this is because he has his own grief.

People just see me as the daughter in law so don't think I'm hurting but I have a pain in my chest since he died and it's getting worse.

It just seems like I can't let go because it'll upset others, I don't think they know what I went through with his appointments etc, as it was he wasn't getting the treatment he needed and I got him what he needed in the end.

It kills me that we knew he was dying and he was taken very quick in the end, I was the last to see him as I dropped him to a routine procedure and waved him down the corridor, but it went wrong and that night when we should have been at home I was rallying the family as he was dying.

I has called into work on the Friday to take a few weeks off to care for him and he died on the followinf Wednesday, I never got to give him his last few weeks of pottering around. He had decided not to have treatment as his condition was too far gone. He was told he could have a few months pottering around or a little longer but it would be full of treatment and hospitals.

I don't know how I feel, only to say it's not good. No one seems to understand.

I am a friend · 08-02-2012, 22:04

God love you... Thats a load to carry. Has your husband started grieving?

gud4u · 08-02-2012, 23:34

My husband did a lot of crying before his dad passed. Not in front of me, I could tell by his eyes in the evening, He works alone a lot and said he cried a lot thinking of what his dad had coming to him. It turns out he didn't suffer too much as the stent he was getting actually caused his death. He had stomach and eosophagel cancer.

I actually commented to my husband the other night, that he cried more openly when the dog died, I said this as an observation, not a jugdement, obviously he misses his dad more

It's a small family, his mam is old and we take care of her, there was really only me to take care of his dad, and I liked doing it.

But, I can't put my finger on what's wrong. It's not like I want any special recognition for what I did, I did it because I wanted to help and because I could. It's like I want then to understand how hard it was for me to see their dad and husband through his ordeal. We kept his wife/mam in the dark for as long as we could. I also understand they have their own grief to contend with. We have the memory cards and headstone to do over the coming months and I know this will be tough on them but She will look to me to do all of this too. Again, I don't mind, but I do find it very hard.

Actually, we had to keep the man in question in the dark as he had a memory problem, that is why I spoke on his behalf and was actually down as his next of kin, the consultant in charge discussed the DNR with me and the family were happy to give me that responsibility.

Maybe it's guilt I feel. Like I didn't do enough or something. Even though, there's not one thing I could have done. I think I feel robbed of time, as even though we knew it was coming, it came too sudden.

Daisy M · 09-02-2012, 14:57

Hi I am sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely person and you were really kind to your father inlaw in all you did for him. You are entitled to grieve and I think the reason you feel so unsettled right now is that you dont feel "properly" entitled to grieve almost as if its not your right or that your grief is not as important as your husbands or mother in laws. Also you are not only grieving for your loss but for their loss too. Your husband and motherinlaw will receive other peoples sympathy you will be regularly asked how they are people may presume its not as signifigant a loss to you and thats hard. Dont be afraid of saying how you feel if you need to, is there anyfriend or family member whom you can talk to about and expalin how you feel?
I wish you all the best and I know it doesnt seem like it now but it really does get easier as time goes by, not overnight but a little at a time. When you think about your father in law dont dwell on his last few months and all the bad news think of times you spent together that were good.

08-02-2012, 21:58	#1
gud4u Closed Account Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 358 Adverts \| Friends	It's not my grief HI, I lost my father in law almost a year ago. I was really close to him as I don't have a relationship with my own father. I did everything for him, all his appointments, care, I was the first to know all his results and pass them on to my husband and his mother. I held his hand as he died while his wife waited downstairs. I organised the funeral and supported my husband and his mother. When I get upset and that's been once since the funeral my husband just said, don't be upsetting yourself, I'm fully aware that this is because he has his own grief. People just see me as the daughter in law so don't think I'm hurting but I have a pain in my chest since he died and it's getting worse. It just seems like I can't let go because it'll upset others, I don't think they know what I went through with his appointments etc, as it was he wasn't getting the treatment he needed and I got him what he needed in the end. It kills me that we knew he was dying and he was taken very quick in the end, I was the last to see him as I dropped him to a routine procedure and waved him down the corridor, but it went wrong and that night when we should have been at home I was rallying the family as he was dying. I has called into work on the Friday to take a few weeks off to care for him and he died on the followinf Wednesday, I never got to give him his last few weeks of pottering around. He had decided not to have treatment as his condition was too far gone. He was told he could have a few months pottering around or a little longer but it would be full of treatment and hospitals. I don't know how I feel, only to say it's not good. No one seems to understand. Last edited by gud4u; 08-02-2012 at 21:59. Reason: spelling

08-02-2012, 23:34	#3
gud4u Closed Account Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 358 Adverts \| Friends	My husband did a lot of crying before his dad passed. Not in front of me, I could tell by his eyes in the evening, He works alone a lot and said he cried a lot thinking of what his dad had coming to him. It turns out he didn't suffer too much as the stent he was getting actually caused his death. He had stomach and eosophagel cancer. I actually commented to my husband the other night, that he cried more openly when the dog died, I said this as an observation, not a jugdement, obviously he misses his dad more It's a small family, his mam is old and we take care of her, there was really only me to take care of his dad, and I liked doing it. But, I can't put my finger on what's wrong. It's not like I want any special recognition for what I did, I did it because I wanted to help and because I could. It's like I want then to understand how hard it was for me to see their dad and husband through his ordeal. We kept his wife/mam in the dark for as long as we could. I also understand they have their own grief to contend with. We have the memory cards and headstone to do over the coming months and I know this will be tough on them but She will look to me to do all of this too. Again, I don't mind, but I do find it very hard. Actually, we had to keep the man in question in the dark as he had a memory problem, that is why I spoke on his behalf and was actually down as his next of kin, the consultant in charge discussed the DNR with me and the family were happy to give me that responsibility. Maybe it's guilt I feel. Like I didn't do enough or something. Even though, there's not one thing I could have done. I think I feel robbed of time, as even though we knew it was coming, it came too sudden. Last edited by gud4u; 08-02-2012 at 23:50.

08-02-2012, 22:04	#2
I am a friend Closed Account Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,398 Adverts \| Friends	God love you... Thats a load to carry. Has your husband started grieving?

09-02-2012, 14:57	#4
Daisy M Registered User Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: The wild west Posts: 1,454 Adverts \| Friends	Hi I am sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely person and you were really kind to your father inlaw in all you did for him. You are entitled to grieve and I think the reason you feel so unsettled right now is that you dont feel "properly" entitled to grieve almost as if its not your right or that your grief is not as important as your husbands or mother in laws. Also you are not only grieving for your loss but for their loss too. Your husband and motherinlaw will receive other peoples sympathy you will be regularly asked how they are people may presume its not as signifigant a loss to you and thats hard. Dont be afraid of saying how you feel if you need to, is there anyfriend or family member whom you can talk to about and expalin how you feel? I wish you all the best and I know it doesnt seem like it now but it really does get easier as time goes by, not overnight but a little at a time. When you think about your father in law dont dwell on his last few months and all the bad news think of times you spent together that were good.