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30-01-2012, 00:59   #1
souleater3000
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Rebuilding a friendship and crush

Im not sure if this is the right place to post, I think in my case it sort of might be.

I have a crush on a guy who is also my friend, we use to get along great with each other, I found out from another friend that he knew about my sextuality, and after I mentioned it too him he said things were fine I was still his friend blah blah. After this he distanced himself abit from me, now granted we had finished school with each other at this point and got our results when he started to distance himself.

We remained friends but saw each other much less and kept getting into stupid fights with each other and still do, last october at a party I kissed him, well it was more like a little peck on both the cheek and lips. We talked and things were fine then a few days later we got into a fight and didnt really talk for a month then we patched things up and now we got into a small fight again today and decided not to talk for a week and think about how we feel and if we can make this friendship work and how.

Has anybody got any suggestions as to how I might go about this? He is a friend I really dont want to lose and I lost a friend recent enough aswell for different reasons.

I'd really appreciate help with this, id rather be just his friend then not have him at all.
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30-01-2012, 01:03   #2
MyKeyG
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How did he react to the kiss at the time?
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30-01-2012, 01:30   #3
souleater3000
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I had told him right away that I was sorry and he had said it was alright and didnt do anything till about 20mins after I walked away from him, i know he has other gay friends as he grew up with one or two b4 he ever met me if it makes a difference, they were school friends
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30-01-2012, 01:40   #4
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This doesn't necessarily have to be regarding sexuality. He may feel awkward around a friend he knows has unrequited feelings for him. That's natural for a lot of people. My best male friend told his best female friend that he had feelings for her and she didn't talk to him for six months out of the embarrassment of rejecting him.

Unfortunately if it is the fact that you're also male then it could run a bit deeper. Unfortunately there's still a lot of stigma attached to homosexuality and he may feel it a threat to his masculinity that a gay friend made a pass at him. I'm pretty sure he feels bad about feeling bad if you get my drift but this may be something that's best healed with time.
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30-01-2012, 01:47   #5
souleater3000
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He has also told me that he would feel like nervous if he was alone with me, i cant remember the exact way he worded that but it was the same meaning, i assured him i would never try take advantage like if we were alone, Is there anyway i can really get him to be 100% honest with me about it, he isnt one to open up to much at all to anyone and has said that he knows its just a crush
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30-01-2012, 02:01   #6
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If I was him I think I'd want to know why you kissed me. Did you think I would reciprocate and if so why did you think that? Will the mindset that caused you to kiss me change? Ultimately I think the issue is not the kiss but the fact that you have feelings for him.

People can't turn off feelings. He's probably aware of that and therefore can't see how you can be together just the two of you without you wanting to take it further.

I'll put it to you this way. I'd feel awkward being alone with a girl whose advances I spurred since I couldn't be sure if her feelings had changed and would us being alone together give her the wrong idea? Having a gay friend is one thing. Having a gay friend that has feelings for you is something many straight people find difficult to come to terms with.
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30-01-2012, 02:05   #7
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To be honest I would be nervous if one of my close friends was coming on to me the whole time. Your description of what has happened so far gives away the fact that you long for a relationship with this straight guy so much so that you are imagining him being bisexual or gay to satisfy your needs, why else would you "test the waters" by openly kissing him at a party?

You need to let go of any notion or idea that there will ever be anything in this or you will not just lose his friendship but also his respect. You must convince yourself that he is not now and never will be interested in you before you do something to make him hate you.
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30-01-2012, 02:34   #8
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why else would you "test the waters" by openly kissing him at a party?
That's kind of the crux of the point I think. You made a move for a reason and he knows that. You can't expect him to believe the reason is just going to disappear.
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30-01-2012, 13:53   #9
James W
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Quote:
Originally Posted by souleater3000 View Post
Im not sure if this is the right place to post, I think in my case it sort of might be.

I have a crush on a guy who is also my friend, we use to get along great with each other, I found out from another friend that he knew about my sextuality, and after I mentioned it too him he said things were fine I was still his friend blah blah. After this he distanced himself abit from me, now granted we had finished school with each other at this point and got our results when he started to distance himself.

We remained friends but saw each other much less and kept getting into stupid fights with each other and still do, last october at a party I kissed him, well it was more like a little peck on both the cheek and lips. We talked and things were fine then a few days later we got into a fight and didnt really talk for a month then we patched things up and now we got into a small fight again today and decided not to talk for a week and think about how we feel and if we can make this friendship work and how.

Has anybody got any suggestions as to how I might go about this? He is a friend I really dont want to lose and I lost a friend recent enough aswell for different reasons.

I'd really appreciate help with this, id rather be just his friend then not have him at all.
Well, on the basis of what you write, I'd suggest that if you want to retain him as a friend you need to let him go. The more you focus on this, the more you hanker, hang on and grasp, the more likely it is that he will cut contact. This may end up being the case in any event, but it is virtually certain if you continue as you presently are. If it is taking a lot of work to make a friendship or relationship work, then it isn't working!

You also need to accept the fact that the dynamic which exists between friends in school or college tends to change when people move to different stages in life.
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30-01-2012, 17:27   #10
floggg
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From what you've posted it doesn't sound like he has any problem with the you being gay part, just the you making moves part.

In fairness to him, he didn't make any fuss when you kissed him, but it can take a bit of time to get over the awkwardness of an unrequited crush for all concerned.

Give him a few weeks/months, get over him and in a few months time let him know you feel a bit silly about it all and move on.
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30-01-2012, 20:07   #11
souleater3000
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From what you've posted it doesn't sound like he has any problem with the you being gay part, just the you making moves part.

In fairness to him, he didn't make any fuss when you kissed him, but it can take a bit of time to get over the awkwardness of an unrequited crush for all concerned.

Give him a few weeks/months, get over him and in a few months time let him know you feel a bit silly about it all and move on.
This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation
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30-01-2012, 20:11   #12
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This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation
No disrespect but just because it's optimistic doesn't mean it's realistic. Just be careful heeding what you want to hear, my gut says your friendship is done.
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30-01-2012, 20:31   #13
souleater3000
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No disrespect but just because it's optimistic doesn't mean it's realistic. Just be careful heeding what you want to hear, my gut says your friendship is done.
I can see your point too but at the same time its best I think to keep a bit of optimism, only time will tell tho, and it should be sorted next week which way the friendship will go.
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30-01-2012, 22:26   #14
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I can see your point too but at the same time its best I think to keep a bit of optimism, only time will tell tho, and it should be sorted next week which way the friendship will go.
The problem is that you are going to be optimistic that because your friend is at least chatting with you still he has not completely ruled out the possibility of having a relationship with you!
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30-01-2012, 22:59   #15
floggg
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Originally Posted by souleater3000 View Post
This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation
I'm really talking months to let it sit, not a week. You need to be completely over him before things will get anything like back to normal.
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