[iptba]

I just read a moving letter in the Sunday Independent. Men don't always open up like this in the media - I suppose it helps that the S. Independent allows anonymous letters.

Sir -- One day in September, a few months ago, I had a tragedy in my life. Without any warning my wife of 10 years left our home, taking our seven-year-old daughter from my life. As you can imagine, my heart is broken ever since.

We had our differences, and what couple hasn't, but there was no real good reason for my wife to leave forever and take my little princess away from me.

I'm not saying I'm without my own faults and that I am perfect, but I'm not a smoker, drinker, drug-taker, gambler, violent person in any way, a big spender or a lazy layabout.

My 'fault', as it were, is that I have been unemployed for the past three years after over 18 years working. My wife has a great job with a salary that is worth more than the joint salaries of many couples in Ireland.

continues at: http://www.independent.ie/opinion/le...y-2989281.html

It's an interesting time in Ireland in recent times, with unemployment being quite a bit higher for men than women and men and women often taking on new roles: him, as the house-husband/care-giver, her as the primary "breadwinner".

Well done to those couples who have managed to stay together.

[MrStuffins]

If she has a great job abd salary then it's not as if they're broke.

So this one doesn't sound as much a case of the recession killing families as the wife acting the goat and leaving because she thinks he's lazy or something!

[Pembily]

To me thats saying that men should be the bread winner thus saying we are inferior! If women want to be treated equally they have to act it

It is very had on couples, I've seen it, the men feel they have no purpose. Fair play to him for opening up!

She just sounds like a greedy cnut.

[boobar]

Fair play to him for opening up,

As a man, I can appreciate how difficult it can be.

But I think that old cliche, there are 2 sides to every story comes to mind.

Perhaps the break up wasn't related to Finances. Let me admit that I just read the first part of the article.

In dealing with uneomployment, I think the focus tends to be on the unemployed person and not so much on the partner working. Then there are difficulties when children are involved especially when there is a reversal of roles where the woman becomes the breadwinner a role traditionally taken by the man

[Kevin Duffy]

I had to put up with a daily tirade of abuse for not having a job.Soon it got even more personal, and the way I walked, talked and sat at the table was mocked in front of our daughter.

This is not a story about unemployment, it's really about an abusive, nasty woman.

[boobar]

Originally Posted by boobar

Fair play to him for opening up,

As a man, I can appreciate how difficult it can be.

But I think that old cliche, there are 2 sides to every story comes to mind.

Perhaps the break up wasn't related to Finances. Let me admit that I just read the first part of the article.

In dealing with uneomployment, I think the focus tends to be on the unemployed person and not so much on the partner working. Then there are difficulties when children are involved especially when there is a reversal of roles where the woman becomes the breadwinner a role traditionally taken by the man

Ok after reading Kevin's post I decided to read the full article.

The abuse his wife gave him especially in front of his daughter is totally uncalled for.

I think personally he's better off without a person like this putting him down. As a father, I couldn't imagine not being able to see my own child, this is the real tragedy of the story.

[The Corinthian]

I would be cautious about accepting the account given in that letter at face value. Especially in family law, people have a tendency to give skewed versions of events, if not blatantly falsify them.

Given this, presuming it is pretty accurate, he's in a bit of a pickle. Even if he's effectively been the child carer for the last year and she would have to put the child in care while she works, his chances of getting custody are slim because he's a man.

He may be entitled to maintenance from his wife (he would have to sue for this naturally) as she has a job and he has not, although this would be offset by the fact that she left him (so he's presumably in possession of the family home) and he would have to contribute towards the cost of the child (including care while she's working). Also, he's less likely to benefit from maintenance rulings because of his gender.

There are women who simply see their husbands out there as 'providers', and if they fail in this task they are of no utility to them, of course - I've seen it happen to male acquaintances in the past.

I'm not sure if this is the case here though as I just get the feeling that there is a gap in the story. As she's working, it's not as if they're broke (as has been mentioned) and she left him (giving him possession of the family home). He could be suffering from depression, which eventually got too much for her, or there could be another man on the scene. Whatever the details, my spidey senses tell me that there's probably more to this story than was told.

[Raekwon]

I'm at the mercy of my ex-wife, who decides whether and when I can see our daughter. Men are treated like dirt in this country. Why did my wife stand up on the altar all those years ago and lie and then break her contract? She was supposed to stay with me, 'For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,' like I would have done and was doing, and would still do, for her.

What an absolute weapon of a woman, he is well shot of her but I do feel for the guy in regards to not being able to see his daughter.

An ex colleague of mine who I still keep in contact with got made redundant last year and his wife left him shortly afterwards, so cases like this in the media really do hammer home the point of how losing a job can have such a detrimental knock on effect in every aspect of a persons life.

I think it's much worse in the case of men losing our jobs as we are traditionally seen as the breadwinners and this rescission has seen male dominated sectors like construction hit the worst in regards to job loses.

I'd even put my neck on the block and say that 9 times out of 10 a woman losing her job wouldn't have the same effect on a relationship as if the roles were reversed, especially if children were involved. That might sound harsh, but I'd like to see the statistics as I'd doubt I'd be exaggerating too much with that synopsis.

[goat2]

did they get on very well before he lost his job, if there were cracks before then it is possible that they just festered altogether,

[G-Money]

As the saying goes, there's two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in between.

I haven't read the full article but it seems tough on yer man that he's ended up in this boat. I'd like to think the number of women who'd drop a man just because he lost his job is in the minority.

[boomkatalog]

I've heard my mam make digs at my father since he was made redundant. Makes me sick.

That poor man has had an awful time, please god some day he'll meet someone who appreciates him for who he is, and not how much money he brings home.

[The Corinthian]

Originally Posted by Raekwon

I think it's much worse in the case of men losing our jobs as we are traditionally seen as the breadwinners and this rescission has seen male dominated sectors like construction hit the worst in regards to job loses.

I'd even put my neck on the block and say that 9 times out of 10 a woman losing her job wouldn't have the same effect on a relationship as if the roles were reversed, especially if children were involved. That might sound harsh, but I'd like to see the statistics as I'd doubt I'd be exaggerating too much with that synopsis.

The statistics for homemakers in Ireland are somewhere in the regions of 300k women and about 8k men, AFAIR, which would indicate you are on the right track.

The problem is that in while the career role has been opened up to women, the homemaker role is still pretty much closed to men, reinforcing the prejudice that a man who is not a provider is some sort of parasite. Even constitutionally, a woman's role as a homemaker is recognized, but not a man's:

"Article 41.2.1 In particular, the State recognises that by her life within the home, woman gives to the State a support without which the common good cannot be achieved."

Until that imbalance is addressed, both legally and in terms of culture, men will still face pressure to be the provider and, ironically, women will still face pressure to quit their careers if they start families.

Originally Posted by G-Money

I haven't read the full article but it seems tough on yer man that he's ended up in this boat. I'd like to think the number of women who'd drop a man just because he lost his job is in the minority.

Thinking of the wives of many of my friends, a sizable minority I suspect unfortunately.

[patwicklow]

it really is a true about so called love its whats in your wallet and not your heart
i had a string of pubs once of course when i lost them she walked to love my arse theres no such thing ££££ thats the only love...

[iptba]

I decided to see was there any research on this.


http://newyorkdivorcenews.com/new-st...ivorce/331058/

New Study Shows Surprising Correlation Between Unemployment and Divorce

NEW YORK, June 21, 2011 (NYDN) – A new study shows that while the employment status of men in a relationship greatly affects the rate of divorce the same was not true for women. Ohio State University’s Liana Slayer analyzed data on more than 3, 600 couples from the U.S. National Survey of Families and Households to determine if there was a direct link between employment status and men and women’s decisions to end a marriage. Needless to say she found some surprising results.

The study states that a women’s employment status has little to no effect on the decision to divorce yet it is a large determining factor when men are unemployed.

However the study also states that not only are women more likely to divorce a man who is not financially stable but surprisingly even unemployed men are more likely to file for divorce if they feel they cannot support a family. This even applies to cases where couples are happily married.

etc.

Here's the abstract. Decided as I had a little free time, I'd see what it said but can't find a free copy online, unfortunately.

She left, he left: how employment and satisfaction affect women's and men's decisions to leave marriages.

AJS. 2011 May;116(6):1982-2018.

Sayer LC, England P, Allison PD, Kangas N.

Source
Department of Sociology, Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio 43210, USA. sayer.12@sociology.osu.edu

Abstract

Studies examining determinants of divorce have largely ignored differences between factors that elevate wives' and husbands' initiation of divorce.

The authors use longitudinal data and a latent class model embedded in a competing-risks event history model to assess distinct predictors of wives and husbands leaving marriages.

They find that when men are not employed, either spouse is more likely to leave.

When wives report better-than-average marital satisfaction, their employment affects neither spouse's exit.

However, when wives report below-average marital satisfaction, their employment makes it more likely they will leave.

The authors' findings suggest that theories of divorce require "gendering" to reflect asymmetric gender change.

PMID: 21932472 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

[kate.m]

My family are kind of on the other side of this.

My dad has been unemployed since the 1990s. Between that time he was preoccupied with projects that weren't going anywhere and random courses so even when I was small he was still doing things, anything to avoid the domestic role. Which was understandable.

He did mind me and my brother so we weren't at home alone. He never cooked, *never* cleaned and really complained if my mum ever asked him to do anything else. Most days were spend on the computer, in front of the t.v. And my mum put up with that, probably hoping it would change. It didn't. She works long enough hours and still acts like the housewife too.

She doesn't want the marriage to end and my dad has in the last few years started drinking a lot more. He's really bitter and resentful. He hates being around the family and blames my mother for everything despite the fact that he's pretty much living off her. If he had somewhere to go, he'd leave. She's desperately trying to help him, but he refuses to do any work that he feels is beneath him. Volunteering included here.

The woman in this case sounds horrible. She seems rude and demeaning. Granted. But I don't think most women are like that, or I hope they're not. Usually it's way more complicated than is outlined in the article. Hope it works out for him in some way.