Basically, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar/Personality Disorder/Low self esteem issues/Post Traumatic... I've never had a clear answer or much help but I get severely depressed, sometimes suicidal and have made attempts. Half of the time I'm a really fun and friendly person to be around. I'm just not happy-go-lucky at the moment.
I'm really difficult to be in a relationship with. My last relationship was pretty terrible. I was cheated on all the time and it was a pretty abusive relationship.
The guy I'm with now has been a super long distance relationship. He's gentle and would never physically hurt me in anyway. He's a good guy. I am really in love with him. I spent some time with him in his country (where he moved to live and work) and he's visited me a number of times. I've known him since I was a kid. We've been together for a year and a half long distance.
He's recently told his work he's leaving so that he can move to me and we can live together but I'm having doubts.
He's stayed with me despite my problems with depression and a lot of pushing and pulling that I've done. I'm not proud but I tried pushing him away a lot. Recently though, I've been struggling with depression again and no self worth. He told me my problems are ridiculous and not real and that someone else in his family has problems that are actually real and it's understandable they're depressed but not me. I have no reason to be. I'm so hurt he said it. It makes me not want to be with him and tell him to ask his boss if he can keep his job and not come back at all.
He's been wonderful in so many ways. He's a good person. I've fallen madly in love with him but I feel like the relationship is destroying me. I don't understand why though. Compared to what my ex did to me, he's a saint. I just feel like he doesn't understand me sometimes or can't deal with the baggage I come with. I'm trying to sort out therapy sessions but I'm starting to think I just can't deal with relationships. I don't have any friends I can talk to at all. He went to amsterdamn on my birthday this year, and told me he'd be going to see sex shows and take drugs. He just got angry that I was upset and justified it by saying he'd promised to go with a friend before we got together but I don't particularly believe that. He tried to make up for it by spoiling me so much when I visited him a few months later. We have a great time when we're together but I tend to never forget anything including hurtful comments.
If I tell him to stay where he is and not to move over for me, I'm so scared I'm going to regret it. I'm pretty sure I will. I feel stuck. I'm completely in love with him but the comment about my problems being ridiculous and not real has made me feel even worse. I was already severely depressed and I struggle finding reasons not to harm myself as it is.
Half of the time he tells me he's going to be there for me and come to every appointment and session and help me get better. Then he says things like that? I'm confused. I'm exhausted. How can I walk away from someone I'm in love with and not be destroyed by it and regret it? I know he is in love with me. He is petrified of me leaving him and says he couldn't cope without me. I'm just so depressed and I'm tired of feeling jealous and insecure that I can't cope being in the relationship but I could be walking away from a fresh start living with him and finally in the same country. It's literally a matter of weeks he's due back here.
Please help :-(