Good morning all, thanks for the replies, wide range of views on this. I have asked all these questions of myself and came on here to hear of other peoples experience of this situation. People that have been there and come through the other side.

[Emme]

Interesting post. I've just finished reading a book of short stories by Anais Nin. One of the characters (a married woman) is advised by her hairdresser not to be jealous and to be "generous " with her husband because there are more women than men in France, and if husbands weren't "shared" then some women would get no love at all. Of course, there are more women than men everywhere including Ireland (well that's how it seems) and lots of us get no "love", but many of us get along perfectly well without it.

I don't condone or condemn the fictional hairdresser's advice but it's an interesting concept and very, ahem, continental. Anglo-Saxon cultures like Ireland, the UK and the States don't openly condone extra-marital affairs but that isn't the way everywhere.

If you are both Irish and your cultural background is Anglo-Saxon the idea of your husband going elsewhere for extra-curricular activity might cause you some anguish even if you initially agree to it. Not to mention the fact that it would be very unfair on the other women involved unless it was a situation where they were being paid. Mistresses aren't treated very well in Anglo-Saxon cultures and are judged very harshly - ie Ryan Giggs and his recent fling.

Your husband would not be the first man to head up to Dublin and meet other ladies, and he won't be the last but could your marriage withstand this? It's up to you and your husband what you do, but you must both take into account the risks involved if you allow him extra-curricular activity.

How is your general health? Perhaps you need something to boost your energy and overall "vitality" levels.

[Distorted]

I think its only worth it for you if he's very powerful and rich, and you get status, money and a high standard of living in return to compensate. Otherwise, you'd be better off divorcing him. As Emme says, there are some sectors of society where such behaviour is not unknown, but its generally only moderately successful amongst the rich, powerful or aristocracy. And even then, it can cause spectacular upset - Princess Diana and Prince Charles for example. And yes in countries like France, its more accepted, but then people know how to be more accepting of it and keep it on the down low.

For you, it sounds like a high risk strategy, and your husband sounds like a high maintenance man.

You sound remarkably unemotional about this - are you the "husband"?

[Timmythedonkey]

On reading your post I would be very careful about letting your husband do this as I would think it could lead to affair's.

I really feel for you & I am sure your only thinking about doing this as you love him but I would just air on the side of caution if you decide to do this.

I am sure he would be delighted to be given a sex partner on a plate by his wife but this will not solve the problem's between you and him & infact could cause more serious one's in the long run.

[Emme]

Originally Posted by Unreg - Confused Lady!!!

Good morning all, thanks for the replies, wide range of views on this. I have asked all these questions of myself and came on here to hear of other peoples experience of this situation. People that have been there and come through the other side.

There is no "other side". Once you allow your husband to sleep with other women that's it, your relationship will never be the same again.

If he travels for work and stays away overnight it is likely that he has cheated already and hasn't told you. However, once you consent to an open marriage your relationship is no longer monogamous and you have entered new territory. You need to think carefully about this.

[_blank_]

Originally Posted by Emme

If he travels for work and stays away overnight it is likely that he has cheated already and hasn't told you.

How could you possibly know this?

[Dublin25]

I agree with most people on here.

But what if he falls in love with another "no strings" woman. Are you willing to be left on your own if/when he decides to leave?

I think you'll always be thinking of him with someone else.

Personally I think you should address the main issue of your low sex drive and try work on that before taking something so drastic.

[Emme]

Originally Posted by Des

How could you possibly know this?

I don't. However, I have been propositioned by several married men, some on business trips staying overnight and I'm not the only woman who has either. I never assented to their requests so I don't know if they would actually go through with it but they did ask...

[shellyboo]

Hi OP -- I've never opened up a relationship (I'm too possessive!) but I say good for you. Monogamy is not for everyone, and it's certainly not the only way to have a relationship.

If you're confident in yourself that you won't end up feeling worse about yourself, I say go for it. But perhaps with caution -- maybe ask your husband to take things slowly at first, just go on a date with someone perhaps, to see how it makes you feel.

For resources, there are hundreds of thousands of blogs and websites dedicated to open relationships. Just google "polyamory" for an insight into how people make non-monogamy work for them and their relationships.

Don't rule out the possibility because of what people think you might feel. Do what you feel is right for you and your husband.

[Emme]

Originally Posted by shellyboo

For resources, there are hundreds of thousands of blogs and websites dedicated to open relationships. Just google "polyamory" for an insight into how people make non-monogamy work for them and their relationships.

As far as I know, polyamory involves commitment to more than one person while monogamy involves commitment to just one person. With respect, I don't think the OP's husband wants polyamory, he is looking for carte blanche from his wife to sleep with other women. If this couple is happy with that, it's their business.

The OP should also be free to have relationships outside marriage even if they aren't sexual. How would her husband feel if she developed a very close emotional relationship with another man? She has a right to do this if her husband is having no-strings sexual relationships with other women.

[Taltos]

Originally Posted by Emme

As far as I know, polyamory involves commitment to more than one person while monogamy involves commitment to just one person. With respect, I don't think the OP's husband wants polyamory, he is looking for carte blanche from his wife to sleep with other women. If this couple is happy with that, it's their business.

The OP should also be free to have relationships outside marriage even if they aren't sexual. How would her husband feel if she developed a very close emotional relationship with another man? She has a right to do this if her husband is having no-strings sexual relationships with other women.

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us Emme?
a) We have seen nothing from the OP suggesting that her OH is suggesting or has even asked for this. So far it is all at her request.
b) Not ALL men on business have sex with someone else. I travelled for 3 years and while horny never once jumped into bed with some trollop or made a pass at an easy colleague.

OP - I am not sure you will get the answer you are looking for here.
Would you consider going to your GP to rule out any medical complaints that may be impacting your sex drive or to see if there is anything you can do to improve it?
I would really use that "go have sex somewhere else" card as a last resort. From my perspective sex is more than the act for me - it is how I constantly reestablish my love and affection for my wife. Speaking personally were I to have sex elsewhere then I know that more than likely I would in turn bond with that other person leaving my wife in the cold and possibly alone (well without me).

Think long and hard about this - and seriously exhaust all other options before going this route.

We still do not know what the difference is between you and your husband.
ie. Once a night / once a week / once a month / once a year?
Maybe you both can come to a compromise - penetrative sex is not the only answer here. Masturbation is also a relief - and even if you are not up for sex maybe just holding him may be enough for him to feel that emotional bond.
If he though is at the other extreme say 3 times nightly etc - well get him involved in some strenuous sports - tire him out and hopefully align both of your drives.

So many options here - but the path you are looking down is fraught with danger. Not for all but for many.

[Emme]

Originally Posted by Taltos

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us Emme?

Yes.

Originally Posted by Taltos

a) We have seen nothing from the OP suggesting that her OH is suggesting or has even asked for this. So far it is all at her request.

That is what her original post would have us believe. Even so I think it is very unusual for a wife to suggest that her husband look elsewhere for satisfaction rather than exhaust all other possible solutions within the marriage. This leads me to believe that (1) the woman's husband may have hinted at the possibility of straying or (2) the OP is actually the husband, and not the wife in the relationship.

Originally Posted by Taltos

b) Not ALL men on business have sex with someone else. I travelled for 3 years and while horny never once jumped into bed with some trollop or made a pass at an easy colleague.

Good for you, but you are probably in the minority. Even so, it doesn't give you the right to brand people "trollops" or "easy" if they succumb to temptation. I don't agree with straying outside marriage, but I don't agree with judging or labelling those who do.

Originally Posted by Taltos

OP - I am not sure you will get the answer you are looking for here.
Would you consider going to your GP to rule out any medical complaints that may be impacting your sex drive or to see if there is anything you can do to improve it?

There is no harm in the OP going to her GP for an overall health check (ie low thyroid levels can knock out the sex drive) but if her sex drive has always been low she shouldn't feel bad, some people have lower sex drives than others and it isn't always a medical issue.

Originally Posted by Taltos

I would really use that "go have sex somewhere else" card as a last resort.

Or not at all if possible. But maybe this couple are at the stage of a last resort.

Originally Posted by Taltos

From my perspective sex is more than the act for me - it is how I constantly reestablish my love and affection for my wife. Speaking personally were I to have sex elsewhere then I know that more than likely I would in turn bond with that other person leaving my wife in the cold and possibly alone (well without me).

People differ. Some men are very good at compartmentalising their lives and the sex they have with their wife would be very different to that they have with others.

Originally Posted by Taltos

Think long and hard about this - and seriously exhaust all other options before going this route.

I agree.

Originally Posted by Taltos

We still do not know what the difference is between you and your husband.
ie. Once a night / once a week / once a month / once a year?
Maybe you both can come to a compromise - penetrative sex is not the only answer here. Masturbation is also a relief - and even if you are not up for sex maybe just holding him may be enough for him to feel that emotional bond.
If he though is at the other extreme say 3 times nightly etc - well get him involved in some strenuous sports - tire him out and hopefully align both of your drives.

So many options here - but the path you are looking down is fraught with danger. Not for all but for many.

At the end of the day the decision lies with the couple themselves. I hope the husband wouldn't go down the route of extramarital NSAs but life isn't perfect and people aren't either.

One thing you didn't mention was STDs. This would be a big risk (bigger than most people think these days) if the husband did stray. Condoms protect against some, but as far as I know they don't prevent the spread of pubic lice. Ugh - imagine bringing that home to your wife!

[fungun]

Hi OP,
Id be very very careful about this, but if you have really thought through all of your feelings on this (i.e. what will he feel if its better with another woman, what will you feel, what will you imagine is going on, what if contraception fails etc etc) and think its the right thing to do for your reln then do it.

The 'successful' cases have ground rules. You both agree to these and must trust 100% Typically this might be things like no one you know, not close to home, only one night with any one person. I doubt you want him to have a 'regular' partner as that brings along dangers of feelings growing. There are swingers websites etc where he could maybe meet a woman who does this with other men too, which might lessen the risk of feelings developing.

But again, think through the consequences fully. Its a risk, what he would do cannot be undone if you change your mind. But if you think your reln is at risk by not doing it, then it might be worth it. Only you can say

[shellyboo]

Originally Posted by Emme

As far as I know, polyamory involves commitment to more than one person while monogamy involves commitment to just one person. With respect, I don't think the OP's husband wants polyamory, he is looking for carte blanche from his wife to sleep with other women. If this couple is happy with that, it's their business.

You're right, but reading others' experiences of being with people outside their marriage is a good resource, no matter whether they're in relationships or just having casual sex. I'm not suggesting they develop loving relationships with others -- just that they do some research!

Originally Posted by Emme

The OP should also be free to have relationships outside marriage even if they aren't sexual. How would her husband feel if she developed a very close emotional relationship with another man? She has a right to do this if her husband is having no-strings sexual relationships with other women.

She doesn't have a right to have a romantic relationship with someone else if her husband's not doing it... you can't equate sex and romance here just because the OP isn't interested in the sex part.

OP,

It's a tricky situation you are in. We had a similar situation though not exactly the same.

We're happily married and together for more than a decade. Our sex life is actually pretty great, though my drive is probably a fair bit higher than hers. But she has no problem with me using porn to 'fill in the gaps.'

Anyway I'm a little bi, and for the last few years had been developing these urges. She knew about these well before we got married(pretty much from the beginning) so it wasn't like she got an unpleasant shock that she hadn't expected or anything.

I got really strong feelings to the point where it was really playing on my mind a lot. I DID think about cheating but I couldn't do that to her. So I told her how I felt. It upset her a little at first. We talked about it, a lot, over a long time. Eventually she agreed to let me go and have an encounter.

She realised that I had no interest in replacing her, I did not want to sleep with another woman, but there was this other side to my sexuality that I didn't want to leave unexplored before I died. Ideally I wanted us to try this stuff together but she was a little shy about that.

After a long time of talking about it and thinking about it, I went and had a NSA encounter with a TS. Very safe.

That was a little while ago. The aftermath.

It didn't turn me gay. I still love having sex with my wife just as much and its actually brought us closer. We are much more kinky and open together now.

As fun as it was, sex with her is still more fun and a priority for me, though I'd probably like to do it again sometime, she knows this and is okay with it as long as she is fully kept in the loop.

I hope to persuade her to give it a go someday if/when she's comfortable and curious.

I know it's not exactly like your situation, but I think as long as you love and trust and are really open and honest with each other than this kind of open stuff can work. I was very lucky to be with someone who is so open minded.

Good luck whatever you decide.