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19-04-2011, 22:28   #46
Count Duckula
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I think, broadly speaking OP, you need to learn to deal with it. If it bothers you that much then ask him to be more discreet about it.

Rightly or wrongly, men nowadays watch porn. The internet has made it so easy to obtain and conceal that they simply won't ignore it. It clearly bothers you that your boyfriend watches it, but he won't stop, and if you break up with him because you can't handle it you'll have a nasty surprise when every subsequent man you are with also watches porn.

As much as you claim that the porn is replacing you (he's fantasising about other women) he could claim that the toy is replacing him (you're getting physical stimulation and orgasms from it). Now, I'm sure you can say that the toy is providing something different to sex with him, but as a man his brain is wired to think that physical stimulation is the most important thing about sex - and so something that does it better than him is going to replace him. He finds it much harder to separate the pleasure of the toy and the intimacy of sex.

In the same way, you're struggling to separate the images of a woman with the desire to have sex with her (and thus not with you). A man's brain is wired differently; he's not fantasizing about that woman in particular, he's merely enjoying the sight of a sexual encounter. It's firing off all the appropriate parts of his brain which will lead to the result he wants - the orgasm. As far as I am aware, women tend to spin out their mastubatory sessions. They enjoy the feeling and the build-up, will tease things out and enjoy the whole thing until finally they get their orgasm. A man wants to have his orgasm as soon as he possibly can, and he doesn't give two ****s about the build-up. Porn just speeds that along by getting everything revved up in the first place.
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19-04-2011, 22:51   #47
Distorted
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Originally Posted by HugoDrax View Post
Your bf might look at less porn if you acted out some of his fantasies - why not pretend he is a pizza delivery boy or a plumber who has come to fix your boiler etc etc?
I've been sitting on the fence with this one a bit. Porn doesn't bother me that much, unless it became obsessive. But this comment sums up my biggest concern with it - that it would lead your partner to think some of the stuff he sees in porn films is par for the course and would make him expect it. Which could get tiresome after a while.

Porn stars make their living out of doing this sort of stuff and other, more adventurous stuff.

Apart from that, if porn viewing bothers one party to the relationship a great deal, then its probably best to desist, for the good of the relationship.
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20-04-2011, 01:06   #48
Bloody Nipples
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Apart from that, if porn viewing bothers one party to the relationship a great deal, then its probably best to desist, for the good of the relationship.
Where do you draw the line though? Do you stop doing anything that bothers the other person? At a certain point you have to stand up for your principles. Porn isn't cheating, it's just an aid for sexual stimulation. As a guy, I can safely say I don't fantasize about being there having sex with a porn star and I'm not sure how many women understand how guys compartmentalise their sexual desires.

The arguement has been made about using a vibrator. I watch porn but sex with my gf is infinitely better and she knows I'd rather sleep with her than have a lonely fap in my room. Put the boot on the other foot and when it comes down to the sexual act, a vibrator is more satisfying than most men ever could be. I for one accept I don't have the stamina of two AA batteries. All I can supply is the post-coitus intimacy which a lot of women value more than sex.
But it still makes us feel that little bit inadequate. So to the OP I'd say, you could suggest compromise, you ditch the vibrator if he stops using porn.
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20-04-2011, 01:16   #49
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OP......I think you have to displace your dislike of porn against your partners like for it.

After all, everyone is different and has different tastes, and relationships should always be based on compromises and not ultimatums.

If you hated football and your partner liked it a lot, would you tell him to stop watching it? Of course not.

You have to realise that us men are wired completely differently to how ladies are.
In general, men would have a desire/need to orgasm more than women would, now I doubt you can be around or have an inclination to 'help out' every time so he is going to masturbate.

Use of porn is just a visual stimulation to bring him to orgasm. Men are aroused much more by visual imagery than women.
When he's looking at porn he is just using it to get aroused or live out a fantasy and that's as far as it goes.
I doubt he is thinking the ladies in the films are more attractive than you. Nor will he want in reality to partake in the situations he is watching. It's just a tool to bring him to orgasm like your vibrator is.

I also do not believe that whilst you use your vibrator that your thoughts have never wandered to some other man in your life or a famous attractive person, I'm sure you fantasise sometimes and that is the same is what your partner is doing whist watching porn.

As for your future I think you need to compromise.

Argue all you like about porn being degrading to women, but do you think a man really cares about that whilst being aroused?

You will need to accept that this is part of your man's life that he enjoys in his private time and it is not a threat to you or your relationship, and is more a release for him that is almost immediately forgotten about when finished.
He is not going to stop and will resort to doing it secretly if you pressure him and I don't see how that can be beneficial.

Hope you can work it out and move on together, really don't think that this should be a relationship breaker.
Being unfaithful with a real person or being dishonest is more serious in my opinion that watching porn.
May I suggest that maybe you bring porn into your sex lives and watch it sometimes together? May seem dispicable to you now but it can actually arouse couples together, lead to nice love making and maybe relax your attitudes to porn?

Hope this helps, and good luck.
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20-04-2011, 12:28   #50
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Originally Posted by Boyfriend Troubles View Post
How do I try and resolve this?
You made your feelings on the issue very clear. The topic has come up before. He knew where you stand. He disregarded that for whatever reason. You could give him another chance, or you make ckear that you will walk from the relationship.

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he seems determined not to stop his porn habit and I don't think I can stay with him when I know he's continuing to do something that upsets me so much when I've asked him to stop.
I am glad you used the word habit, because that it all it is. It's not a requirement, or a need, it's a want. Not all men are into it contrary to popular opinion.

Just like anything you 'want for the fun of it' in a relationship both parties get to make an input, so disregard anyone who claims you have no right to have an opinion on this matter. It's a habit that your boyfriend can choose to break if he wants keep that in your mind when you are weighing things up.

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Am I not enough???
Don't question yourself, or doubt yourself, or blame yourself. This is something he has to face one way or the other.
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20-04-2011, 14:01   #51
taxAHcruel
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OP I do not think as you say in the title that this is anything to do with "fairness", but more a failure in communication and understanding - mostly on his part from the sounds of it but we all have our failures in these things. One point I would make for example is that very little about watching porn is imagining being with the people in it, but more about imagining being in the situations in it, often with the person you are currently going out with. For others it is nothing to do with the people in it, but the acts of sex in it stimulating the same things in our own brains.

I say it is not anything to do with fairness, it is more to do with each of us and the kind of people we are. Relationships are about finding people we are compatible with. It is no more or less unfair of him to demand you let him watch it then it is for you to demand he does not. This is just the people you both are, and you might not be compatible on this point.

If porn is something you and he cannot be moved on, then it is a point where you simply are not compatible. As with any incompatibility in any relationship it is up to each of you to first decide if either of you can change… but if not then to decide if it is a deal breaker for the relationship... or are compromises possible.

What a compromise could be is wholly up to you but there may be a lot more than you think if you explore the issue together with him, rather than he or you giving the other ultimatums. Some examples to get you thinking:

Some people simply turn a blind eye to it and say “Have your porn but keep it away from me I want to know nothing about it”. Other compromises are that you only watch it together. This works for some couples I have experience with.

I also have experience with people where the girl, like you, had trouble with the way girls were treated in porn, and the solution we found was that she would find and purchase the kind of porn she was ok with and that was what he would look at. I could, for example, recommend some porn sites made entirely by women, with only women in it, no men near the directing, production, camera (in front or behind it) or anything else. Very tasteful, very much respecting the women in it, and still no less sexy for it. In the couples I worked with even the girl who first hated porn came to enjoy some of this. It was almost porn made by women, about women... in some cases for women.

Another common one, which I did myself for reasons of fun rather than because anyone had a problem with porn.... is that you make your own porn together as a couple. From many obvious reasons this involves trust… but many people enjoy it. They film each other alone, or together, and this becomes their porn. I myself have entirely lost interest in any other porn and am quite happy with the few movies, and photo galleries, I have.

Whatever the result… this is a conversation you can have with each other in an adult fashion, without accusation and especially without either making demands. Simply lay out how you both feel. Explore with him what he gets from porn too. Ask him, rather than just make assumptions. See if you can then use that information to understand what kind of compromise might be achievable.

Important is to realize that a conflict like this will not be resolved by either side making demands of the other, or accusations. You need to work towards a change in one of you, or a compromise between you, or simply admit you may not be compatible on this issue and it is a “show stopper”.
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20-04-2011, 14:08   #52
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I'll make it short and to the point:

end the relationship now, because whichever way you cut it here, someone is going to end up feeling short-changed at best, or, via the highways and by-ways of resentment, like an evasive siht at worst, so it isn't fair on either of you.

Aim to find a religious or at least a conservative-leaning guy for yourself in the future, I think there will be more of a compatibility fit for you with one of those (although I may be very naive about that! ).

Best wishes.

I'm not in any way religious and neither is my fiance and because of our problems with the industry porn forms no part of our relationship.

OP, it would bug me big time if I'd explained my problem to a partner and he took no notice. Maybe he's not as interested in the relationship as he is in porn and you need to cut your losses.
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20-04-2011, 23:42   #53
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OP, just a word of warning: take away a man's porn and you force him to move from masturbating over sexually arousing images to masturbating using his imagination.

His imagination isn't going to just throw up sexual images of you when he's masturbating: it'll be every woman he's ever had a fun time with sexually, acquaintances (maybe even friends of his, or yours) that he finds sexually attractive.

Generally speaking, to the male mind, porn is just sexually exciting images that help them get off, our imaginations will conjure up the fantasies of other women that you dread so much.
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21-04-2011, 00:47   #54
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I imagine the women are still all required to have fake bodies and the "ending" still takes place on various parts of their bodies.

These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it?
Alot of the women in porn aren't very good looking at all. He might not even use it as material to satisfy himself over but more as a random source of gratification during his day. I've been working on my laptop tonight for a few hours and I probably glanced at some porn for a few seconds here and there....means nothing but if you looked at my history tonight, you'd be like :O

I think it's safe to say that if he wasn't satisfied with your body then he wouldn't be with you. As a guy though, I will admit that I would sometimes feel a little insecure compared to a vibrator...but then I just remind myself how awesome I'am in bed and that helps

Last edited by 7Sins; 21-04-2011 at 01:11. Reason: Fixy fixy
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21-04-2011, 01:03   #55
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7sins, this forum is for offering posters civil and constructive advice.

If you haven’t already, take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
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21-04-2011, 02:55   #56
thatsitformethen
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\It's merely Jesuitical to suggest that he's looking at external images of a screen while you're just imagining scenarios in your mind.
What does Jesuitical mean here please? I did look it up but I still don't get it. Sorry


Quote:
you are not going to find any man on the face of the earth for whom you can be the sole, solitary, and only source of sexual fantasy.
I have to thank you for this. I'm actually like that. I can't think of anyone else when I'm in love. Given that I'll never meet anyone like myself, I now know I should just finally give up entirely on ever finding love. Thanks.
 
21-04-2011, 09:14   #57
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Op, here's another way of looking at it: porn is like fast food. It's quick, immediate and saves him having to make dinner for himself when you're not home (in this case, use his imagination). Just cause he likes a dirty curry and a beer on a wednesday night, doesn't mean he thinks less of your wonderful cooking and exquisitely prepared meals. Given the choice he'd take your sunday roast over the curry. But if it's a toss up between a takeaway and the cold beans on toast he'd cobble together for himself then'll he'll get the curry for convenience's sake
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21-04-2011, 16:14   #58
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I'm a woman and I masturbate to porn without the use of a vibrator (Sorry mods if this is too graphic).. Not the really nasty stuff of course but I do find some of it quite sexy. I don't fancy the men or women in the scenes but there's something about the action which gets me into the mood and helps me relieve the tension more easily.

What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're not enough. Sex with an actual person is better than masturbation but there are different ways out there to help people get there by themselves. Men work on a more visual level than us ladies so the sight of unclothed naked ladies on the screen will work for him.

You use your vibrator. Your boyf watches porn. Different methods. Same result.

I think you're being too harsh on him to be honest. You are both using artificial methods to get off and you are being unfair in expecting him to get rid of his crutch while you keep yours.
 
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21-04-2011, 16:37   #59
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He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.
For me, that's the strangest bit of your post. He's probably not imagining having sex with them at all. He's simply turned on by the images and using them to "scratch an itch" so to speak.

Why is it ok for you to relieve yourself in whatever manner you wish, and it's not ok for your boyfriend to do so as he pleases? I think you sound really controlling and you should look at that before you're on here with another username: GotDumped. Just my 2c.
 
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21-04-2011, 17:36   #60
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I don't see how it's that hard to grasp that a person could fantasize about all manner of different people. Why does it have to be reduced to a pointless 'replacement' notion?

Do people honestly always fantasize about the same person or the same physique, colour, age, size of person? What's the point in a fantasy if it's always the same thing?
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