[Fluorescence]

Originally Posted by Turtyturd

A friend of mine told me this last week...what did people at Mozarts grave say???...I can hear him decomposing

You told it wrong

A while back lots of people decided that Mozart should be made a saint for all the beautiful music he created. A campaign was put together and the church agreed to dig him up and then canonize him.

When they eventually got the coffin out of the ground and prised it open, they found Mozart inside with a manuscript in one hand and an eraser in the other, furiously rubbing out the music on the sheet. When they asked what he was doing, he replied, "Decomposing."

[misslt]

Originally Posted by super_furry

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Spoiler: She had no arms.

No no.

Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

Why did Paul fall off the cliff?

I dunno but Suzy didn't push him!

~*~

So Brian Cowen and his driver were driving through the countryside and they run over a pig.

The driver says 'I'd better go to the house and tell them.'

So he's gone for about two hours and comes back staggering, drunk and stinking of smoke.

Brian says to him 'what kept ya?' The driver says 'well the man of the house insisted I have sex with his daughter, drink his finest whiskey and smoke his finest cigars.'

'Jesus' says Brian, 'what the hell did you say to him?'

Says the driver 'I said I'm Brian Cowens driver and I just killed the pig!'

[wonton]

how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

[Snakeblood]

This guy goes into a bar. He's got a head that's shaped like half an orange. The Bartender looks at the guy.

'What happened to your head?'

'It's a long story really. I bought this old house, and went through it, throwing old stuff out. I foudn an old lamp and was cleaning it by rubbing it vigorously. After a couple of moments of that, suddenly a genie jumped out! He said 'FREE, AT LAST I'M FREE'

'I was a bit puzzled, but the genie explained to me that I had three wishes, so I should think long and hard about them. So for my first wish I asked that my pockets have a million quid in them, and no matter how much I take out, they always refill with a million pounds. The Genie winked, and suddenly my pockets were full of a million pounds!'.

'That's amazing' said the bartender

'Not only that. Afterwards, I wished again, for women to find me attractive, and thatI would never be lonely again. And Hey presto! it was done. I've never been lonely since.'

'Fantastic' said the bartender.

'And for my third wish, I said 'Can I have a head shaped like a half an orange?'

[aDeener]

easily my favourite:

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[CrazyFish]

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill ?

Spoiler: Because it ran out of juice.
I am here all week folks.

[Bog]

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.

[zerks]

What did the bus driver say to the man with no legs?
Spoiler: "How ya gettin on?"

[cheesehead]

Man has to go see his psychiatrist. For whatever reason, before going the man strips buck naked and wraps himself in clear plastic wrap.

Man then walks into the psychiatrist's office and the psychiatrist says:

"I knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts!"

[numbnutz]

i know a woman who cooks ham and peas in the same pot....
class!!

[TwoShedsJackson]

What's the difference between Dirty Harry and Emmet Stagg?

Dirty Harry can make your day, Emmet Stagg can make your hole weak.

[ilovelamp2000]

What's blue and fúcks grannies ?

Spoiler: Me in my lucky blue suit !!!

[Ghandee]

Whats the name of the smallest pub in the world?


The Thalidomide Arms!

[JerryHandbag]

So theres this guy who enters the paralympics, and he's got no legs or arms, in fact he's got no torso either....he's just a head, and he's brilliant at swimming. He's the hot favourite to take the gold medal in the swimming competition and has proved unbeatable thus far in qualifying competitions. The gold medal is a formality for him.

So the big day arrives, the swimming final. He's on the blocks, ready for the biggest day of his life, and ready to jump in the pool and swim to certain victory. The guns goes off, the race begins, the contestants dive into the pool.....only for our hero to sink straight to the bottom of the pool. The race goes on and finishes while he flounders at the starting line.

His trainer rushes to his rescue, fishes him out of the pool and asks "What the hell happened? You've been brilliant in training all along??!!!!"

To which he replied - Spoiler: "I've spent my whole life learning how to swim with my ears, and then you come along and PUT A ****ING SWIMMING CAP ON MY HEAD!!!"

[Lemsiper]

What unit did they put Michael Jackson in when he joined the army? The infantry.