Dear God/universe/karma/whoever or whatever is out there.
I've never wanted much for myself, i'm not a selfish person, i try to be a good person. There are only 3 things in this entire world that i've ever wanted for me, for myself, they are not materialistic things, they are 3 things you give to people every day of the week. I know 2 of these things are out of my control, and i accept that they may never happen for me. But one of these things i've done what i could to make happen, i mean i really did the best i could do
then i hoped and wished and dreamed, i even prayed, but today i found out it wasn't to be
The hurt inside me i can't even begin to describe. I feel sick to my stomach. I know i would've been so good at it, nobody would work harder than me, nobody.
What the hell do i do now? Why don't i deserve it? Do you hate me that much?
I feel like such a failure.
What to you do when you've lost your dream? Honestly i don't even know, the only happiness i'd ever gotten was the belief that soon i'd get to do what i've always wanted. That i could start building the life I wanted, not the life everyone else wanted me to have. Everything i've ever done since i was 17 years old was for this.
Now it's all gone, and there's no happiness anymore. I'm just so sad, that complete hollow empty achy kind of sadness. My future is just a vast empty pit of nothingness.
You must really hate me.
And then to add insult to injury you decide to bring him
into my life?! for 3 days you allowed me to believe that two of those things i've always wanted, TWO! could actually happen?! More fool me for actually being stupid enough to believe it. Why? what was the point? Showing me someone who could actually make me happy? Someone nice and warm and kind, the instant i met him i felt a comfort and safeness i've never felt before. I can never have him now, you made sure of that today, you finished it before it could even have a chance to start, he now exists just to show me everything i'm missing, everything i can't have. You must really hate me.
Is this punishment for something? Whatever i've done wrong, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry because it must have been so awful to deserve this.
I'm a good person, why are you hurting me like this?