[sanj2408]

Thanks for all your comments.
We already have a son and he has fiances name already thats my main doubt, Id like to have the same surname as him.
I dont have any brothers and Im the eldest and I like my name which is mainly why Im a bit adamant about changing it but at the same time I would like to take his name but I don't think we'll be any more married by doing so.

I think I might do the two names thing - my own name for work etc and married name for schools, doctors and other family things.

Thanks again everyone!

[Heineken Helen]

I won't be changing mine... it's who I am and getting married doesn't make me somebody else. I'm not joining his family, we're becoming our own family... but neither of these means anybody has to change their name. He's quite upset about me not taking his name... but I asked him how he'd feel if he had to change his and he may have understood that a little. Anyway, MAYBE if it becomes a big issue down the line... but I really don't see how it would. I know some couples who have different names and it works for them. We'll let it work too... it's only an issue if you make it one.

[katts]

I spent quite some time debating this one. I feel my surname is a large part of who I am, so really didn't want to lose it. On the other hand, I didn't want us to have totally separate names, especially if there would be kids in the future. I don't like the idea of using different names in different places; I want one name, whichever that is. I also much prefer my name to his, for various reasons - it sounds better, is shorter, Irish, and easy to spell.

I was quite decided to go double barreled for a while - it sounds a bit ugly but I figured that was just because I wasn't used to it, and it seemed the best of both worlds. What changed my mind was that I kept noticing families being referred to by a group name - "We're going to go visit the Smiths today" or "The Murphys called by" etc - and I really liked that - I felt that didn't work if one of us was double barreled, and so one name seemed best. Now naturally I'd prefer if that was my name, but I can understand that due to society, that would be odd, and commented on, etc. Shouldn't be that way, but there you go, and I'm not going to make him go through the effort of breaking the mould and being peculiar, so I'll let him off. So there you go - I'm taking his name.

I'll probably try to keep mine as an extra middle name, just to kid myself that I'm not totally losing it

[Alliandre]

I don't really mind changing my name. It's a very common and boring surname anyway. The only thing that would bother me is trying to change it on everything, but that would all get sorted after a while. I just really like the idea of us both having the same surname.

[Chinafoot]

Originally Posted by kayos

I just fail to see the keeping the family name alive arguement. Its not even why I would like my OH to take my name. Its more of two becoming one and the fact I hate double barrels.

So why don't you take your partner's name?

As for your unilateral decision comment...its her name, and it ultimately is her decision. If there is no room for compromise she absolutely should do what she wants to do.

[kayos]

Originally Posted by Chinafoot

So why don't you take your partner's name?

Ya know the way a lot of Spike Lee's superheros all have names with the same letter that sound like a cartoon? Well tbh thats the crix of me not taking her name.

Originally Posted by Chinafoot

As for your unilateral decision comment...its her name, and it ultimately is her decision. If there is no room for compromise she absolutely should do what she wants to do.

Hmm if thats the way you see thats the way you see it. But most people will agree that a marriage/relationships can only work when both partners agree, if they can not agree they dicuss and come to some happy middle ground. One partner making a choice that effects both people without taking the other into consideration or even talking to them? Thats just a poor way to be in a relationship never mind a marriage. You think its ok for a wife to not let the husband know she has stopped the pill and is trying to get preggers?

I'm not saying the OP should take her partners name, I'm not saying she shouldnt either. But this is one of those things that comes up at the start of their married life together and the dicussion about this issue should happen between them. THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

See what I did there? A marriage is about sharing everything and always being mindful and respectful of each others feelings. Hense I highlighted all the plural's not the singulars like you did.

[sanj2408]

Originally Posted by kayos

THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

I didnt say I was not going to take his opinions into account. I will decide what I want and discuss it with him to talk out the views and concerns of both.
I don't think a comparison to deciding to have a baby is really appropriate as his name will stay the same regardless without much impact on his own life.
Having a baby is a huge step to take and a decision which should be made as a couple.
Its me who would be changing my name so ultimately, yes, it is my decision. If my fiance loves and respects me (as he does) he will understand that.

[Chinafoot]

Originally Posted by kayos

Hmm if thats the way you see thats the way you see it. But most people will agree that a marriage/relationships can only work when both partners agree, if they can not agree they dicuss and come to some happy middle ground.

Fail to see the part of my post that said "if there is no room for compromise"? For example, neither want a double barrell name or she ultimately wants to keep her name and not take his.

Originally Posted by kayos

One partner making a choice that effects both people without taking the other into consideration or even talking to them? Thats just a poor way to be in a relationship never mind a marriage.

Explain to me how, in this day and age, her not taking his name affects him? She, nor I, never said there would be no discussion so please don't put words in my mouth, thanks.

Originally Posted by kayos

You think its ok for a wife to not let the husband know she has stopped the pill and is trying to get preggers?

That is one of the most ridiculous analogies I've ever heard on this subject. You're actually equating a woman deciding to keep her own name with a woman deceiving her husband and trying to get pregnant?! Yes, you're right, thats *exactly* the same thing.

Originally Posted by kayos

I'm not saying the OP should take her partners name, I'm not saying she shouldnt either. But this is one of those things that comes up at the start of their married life together and the dicussion about this issue should happen between them. THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

How has she refused point blank?? She has come here and asked a question because her husband wants her to change it as it's "the done thing."

Where did she say there would be no discussion? She didn't. Where did I say there was no discussion? Oh thats right...I didn't. Just to point it out to you again since you clearly missed the point quite spectacularly there...*IF* a compromise *can not* be reached, the decision ultimately falls to her as it is her name. No amount of discussing will change that if neither can agree. You might not like it, but since she is the one who is expected to change her name, she is the one who should decide.

Originally Posted by kayos

See what I did there? A marriage is about sharing everything and always being mindful and respectful of each others feelings. Hense I highlighted all the plural's not the singulars like you did.

Nah what you did there was jump to conclusions based on very little, put words in both the OPs and my mouth and pretty much didn't read the posts properly. Well done you.

[kayos]

Chna read my first post..... I gave the common options, some very common arguements against them and I said its up to the couple to decide what they want.

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is. My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same. One partner making a choice with out consulting the other. And before people say I'm saying this is what the op said or that china this is what your suggesting its not. Its what I took from Penny's post. Ok are we clear on that? And penny did then come back and say she ment the royal "you" although the underlining really does not suggest this to me.

I never ment my post to say the OP refused point blank again it was about the unilaterial choice as I took Penny to be suggesting. What I wrote was not clear and when read again does come across with a totally different meaning than intented.

So we all clear OP I never ment to suggest you were not talking to your partner. Read my first post I thought that was reasonable.

All along I've been saying a relationship has been about the pair, about the union and the agreement of both partners. That they have a united front. I really though that was a good thing. But no I get attacked for it.

[sanj2408]

Ive read and re-read your posts and still can't see how you were putting forward an even slightly rational comparison on the subject. Your comparisons are inappropriate for the subject being discussed.
Maybe you should put your point across more clearly in future.

[kayos]

Originally Posted by sanj2408

Ive read and re-read your posts and still can't see how you were putting forward an even slightly rational comparison on the subject. Your comparisons are inappropriate for the subject being discussed.
Maybe you should put your point across more clearly in future.

I am not trying to compare stopping the pill and changing names. I'm showing that unilaterial decissions no matter what the topic have no place in any relationship. I even said that in my last post. The subject was not the pill or name changing it was making choices without talking to a partner. Which as I said in my last post is not something you said. It was in response to penny's post, which china then said was right. But at least she said if there was no room for compramise.

If you read my last post I expressly point this out. And gave another example equally as unrelated to the name change business but with the same unilaterial process being used.

Look OP as I said in my first post talk to your partner and come to an agreement that you both agree on. Hope you both have a happy wedding and life together.

[Chinafoot]

Originally Posted by kayos

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is.

Penny Dreadful had already clarified what she meant before your "point blank" comment.

Originally Posted by kayos

My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same.

The effects of the decision are nowhere near the same so you're not in anyway comparing like with like. Her deciding to keep her name will in no way change their relationship unless he is some sort of chauvinistic moron who feels like he'll be less of a man. His only argument for her changing has been "its the done thing." Thats very weak.

Originally Posted by kayos

One partner making a choice with out consulting the other. And before people say I'm saying this is what the op said or that china this is what your suggesting its not. Its what I took from Penny's post. Ok are we clear on that? And penny did then come back and say she ment the royal "you" although the underlining really does not suggest this to me.

Why are you nitpicking at Penny? She clarified what she meant and yet you're still banging on about one partner not consulting the other when you have no evidence that this is the case here. This is in no way relevant to the OP. Nowhere did she indicate that there would be no discussion.

Originally Posted by kayos

I never ment my post to say the OP refused point blank again it was about the unilaterial choice as I took Penny to be suggesting.

Again, Penny clarified her post before your "point blank" comment.

Originally Posted by kayos

What I wrote was not clear and when read again does come across with a totally different meaning than intented.

Should probably read the thread properly before posting then, eh?

Originally Posted by kayos

So we all clear OP I never ment to suggest you were not talking to your partner. Read my first post I thought that was reasonable.

All along I've been saying a relationship has been about the pair, about the union and the agreement of both partners. That they have a united front. I really though that was a good thing.

Nobody is saying otherwise. You are the one who has picked one comment, that has since been clarified, from someone who is not the person looking for advice and you ran with it.

Originally Posted by kayos

But no I get attacked for it.

OP, you're right, if your partner respect you he'll understand that changing your name as it's "the done thing" is not reason enough for you to want to make that change. Its your name, and deciding to keep it does not mean you're not "together" or "united" in the relationship. Best of luck

[iguana]

Originally Posted by kayos

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is. My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same. One partner making a choice with out consulting the other.

It's perfectly fine to make a choice without consulting your partner if it doesn't affect your partner or if it affects your partner in a small way. A few years ago I had to fire one of my staff at work, it was a huge decision, it meant that for a little while I would need to make some adjustments to my work hours and I was emotionally upset at the decision I made. But it had nothing whatsoever to do with my husband and he wasn't consulted on it.

And that's a much more apt comparison. Whether a woman changes her name or not has nothing at all to do with her husband. He might like it if she did but at the end of the day it has no impact whatsoever on his life so he doesn't have any right to be involved in the decision. The names of their children is a different matter and both parents have to come to a compromise on that.

[Zulu]

If you were following tradition, you'd take his surname. IF you were following tradition.

My OH will take my name. I won't entertain the current double barrelled madness fad. It wasn't a big issue for her, but she wants to have the same name of our children.

TBH I don't think I'd agree to a church wedding otherwise. I don't see the point in "cherry picking" traditions.

[kayos]

China I've said my point blank comment did not read as intended and in the same post that you give out to me for reading someones post that did not come out as intended and attack me for not letting go you are doing the exact same thing.

Oh and nit picking? Your the one breaking my posts into how many quotes? And ignoring what doesnt suit you as well. I may be a pot but China your the kettle.

I said sorry, I explained what I ment and you still attack? And when doing so do the exact same thing your attacking me for?