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How to cope with losing your youth?

  • 11-04-2010 11:01pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello going unreg for this as it's a bit personal.
    Basically I'm approaching the big 40 and feeling very down. I know getting
    older is part of life but it's hitting me hard I'm very unhappy with my
    appearance nothing major just ageing, I put in a major effort to my appearance
    keeping fit make up hair and clothes. My brother in law is getting married to
    a 25 year old girl who is absolutely beautiful and my husband has certainly
    noticed her on family gatherings and mights out the amount of attention she gets
    is unreal I will admit I am jealous.. I feel as if I am overlooked because of
    my age. I have a good marraige and job both of which I am happy in but
    this is greatly upsetting me. Going out with friends seeing girls 10-20
    years younger gets us all down, so my question is how do you cope with ageing?
    I know making the most of yourself which I do but when you realise your
    getting older and losing your looks. Much appreciated.


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 63 ✭✭deadpoet


    As with death, aging is an inevitable part of life that simply must be accepted or you'll live out the rest of your days in a sunless abyss of self-loating misery. Pardon me if this reads harsh, unregcorklady; but I'm sure you'll appreciate the truth rather than a sugar coating.

    Of course you must remember that not everyone is as focused on looks as you might be. You must now focus upon inner beauty. You have inner beauty, right? What have you learned in your 40 years as an entity on this earth? Surely you've gained experience? It is this experience that these younger women will always lack, and it is this experience that will work to your advantage.

    As a man little over half your age, I can assure you that there exist many younger men who prefer an older woman for her experience in life, and that in regard to looks, a few wrinkles and the rest gives character to a woman - each of which younger women will always lack.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 24 Bluebell35


    Hi i'm 36 so not too far behind you, I used to feel like you until I broke up with my ex, now i'm not telling you the solution is to dump your hubby LOL but that basically our feelings of inferiority comes from how we think others percieve us. There will always be younger, beautiful girls that we think are more desirable but that is actually all in our heads. The best thing you can do is not compare yourself to younger girls because really there is no comparison, both have completely different attributes. If you have to compare, compare to others in your age group and you will see that the most gorgeous and sexy are those that are comfortable with their age. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    First of all have a word in your husband's ear about being a little bit more subtle because having him constantly "certainly notice" another women in your presence is a bit off.

    Although getting older means my looks have changed, I wouldn't give back everything I've done and learnt and been in the past 10yrs to get it back. I think it helps to regularly spoil yourself, get a new hairstyle or consultation with a clothing stylist, make sure you get enough you time and that you are fulfilled, not just busy. Keep happy on the inside and you'll feel beautiful on the outside.

    Best of luck :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Simple answer, don't give in to it. It is the MOST depressing part of life. And I have had a VERY difficult life with a lot of 'real' problems but this beats all.

    I get botox and fillers and it helps so much. Really. You can listen to all the phoney pep up speeches you like....'oh my experience and wisdom are better than any youth and beauty blah blah blah' but you know yourself what a load of empty, trite claptrap it really is.

    Nothing will bring back our youth and that is devastating but don't give up and don't listen to the ageing naturally nazi's. Good work subtly done is worth much more than all the wisdom and experience in Ireland. I mean it.

    I never realised how much men looked at me until now when they do a lot less, it's shocking how much a woman misses that. Yes I will get called shallow but I don't care. I enjoy male attention, I'm not ashamed of that.

    If your husband is pi$$ing you off looking at your younger relative, get yourself flirting with a hot younger man and see how he likes it. What's good for the goose and all that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,325 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    im in my 40ties and i think im gorgeous:D... iv little or no interest in fashion, live in a pair of jeans...and im considered a bit eccentric by my family and friends.

    i get lots of male attention( due to having large breasts!! )...attention from men doesn't bother me one way or the other...im happy the with myself.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,208 ✭✭✭fatmammycat


    Sorry you feel this way OP, but you seem to have put an awful lot of stock in looks.
    I'm 37, I don't look like I did at 27, nobody does. I'm fit, active, have a great job and a good man to go through life with and far from fretting about every laughter line or wrinkle I relish the life I'm living now.
    I think I'm a lot happier at 37 than I was at 27 and hove a much better outlook on life. Yes people look older as they age, but so what? What's wrong with looking a little older? Why is that a reason for sorrow or a sense of loss?
    I think you're feeling a bit low in self esteem and confidence, but those are not things that come from without, but rather from within. Botox and fillers are fine if you like that kind of thing- I don't. But it won't address the feelings you have.
    Take some stock, look at where you are in life and see if there are things you can do to bring back the joie de vivre, that way looks won't be the be all and end all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,886 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    mariaalice wrote: »
    im in my 40ties and i think im gorgeous:D... iv little or no interest in fashion, live in a pair of jeans...and im considered a bit eccentric by my family and friends.

    I get lots of male attention( due to having large breasts!! )...attention from men doesn't bother me one way or the other...im happy the with myself.

    Fair play!! This post made me laugh though. Fact of the matter is wearing a very short skirt gets male attention, large breasts get male attention and showing them gets even MORE male attention regardless of whether they're big or not or if they're 30 year or 40 year old boobs. In reality it's not all that difficult to get the attention of men if that's what you want, they're simple creatures really ;) but why would you base your whole self-worth on whether some guy on the bus looks at you twice?

    I live in Spain and like to observe what draws the attention of Latin men here when I'm coming to and from work. They'll be more obvious about it and I find it interesting at how indiscriminate they are when it comes to checking out a lady. Age is not a factor anyway...I see very beautiful young women daily on public transport but they're awkward and unsure of themselves and don't get as much attention as you'd expect. Generally speaking, they don't stand tall, they pull at their clothes, they don't dress to suit their shape....just like I did at their age. Youth is wasted on the young 'n' all that. The women who get the most attention are those in their 30's and 40s who know how to dress, who exude confidence because they clearly have less hangups and are comfortable in their own skin. Of course you do see the beautiful, sexy young women as well but that's the way it's always been, even when I was younger myself. That's life but it doesn't mean that youth is automatically preferable.

    But generally speaking, if I see younger women out and about, I kind of feel sorry for them. It's a stage in life when I was very unsure of myself, what I knew and I was constantly worrying what other people thought of me. I'm a wiser person now and can hold the attention of men for a lot longer with my conversational skills whereas when I was younger, I depended solely on my looks and hoped to God they wouldn't notice that I didn't really have a clue what I was talking about. This only got me so far.

    To be honest, I know I'm a sexier woman now than when I was 20 (almost 30 now) even though the aging process has kicked in. I'm comfortable with who I am, with my body etc etc. I don't really give a damn if a man looks twice and I think that shows. When I was younger my self-esteem depended on it. For example, I generally get more male attention on Friday than Monday because I'm usually peed off Monday morning and that's the vibe I'm giving off. I get more attention at weekends because I make more of an effort with my appearance and I'm giving off a carefree vibe because it's the weekend. If you change your mindset OP, the rest will follow.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    I have a good marraige and job both of which I am happy in but this is greatly upsetting me.

    So what's your problem? Imagine being 40 and single? I'm 37 and single and I'd forfeit the 3 years of "youth" to be in your shoes - 40 and in a good marriage. Be grateful for what you have. Your brother-in-law is marrying a 25 year old because he can but it isn't your problem because you're married to his brother.

    Stop being so negative because your husband will pick up on it. Of course everyone is going to be all over your brother's fiancee, she's the new kid in town and I bet it would be exactly the same if she was 40.

    All men look at other women, it's in their nature. If your husband is good in other ways and isn't showing any signs of infidelity and treats you well all round you're making a mountain over a molehill when it comes to your age.

    Count your blessings.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    my advice is to grow up, so what if you are not the centre of attention any more, you have a happy marriage and a good job, sounds like your life is pretty good.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Emme wrote: »
    So what's your problem? Imagine being 40 and single? I'm 37 and single and I'd forfeit the 3 years of "youth" to be in your shoes - 40 and in a good marriage. Be grateful for what you have. Your brother-in-law is marrying a 25 year old because he can but it isn't your problem because you're married to his brother.

    Stop being so negative because your husband will pick up on it. Of course everyone is going to be all over your brother's fiancee, she's the new kid in town and I bet it would be exactly the same if she was 40.

    All men look at other women, it's in their nature. If your husband is good in other ways and isn't showing any signs of infidelity and treats you well all round you're making a mountain over a molehill when it comes to your age.

    Count your blessings.


    Thank you for all your advice, I am neither shallow nor vain but losing your
    looks is a difficult time I am 39 and could not compete with girls ten years
    younger, I understand some women are embracing it but it is a personal problem
    for me my brother in law is 30 by the way hence the girl being 25 she has
    been with him foer over a year and she gets so much attention you do
    naturally miss that. My question was how do you cope with ageing?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,697 ✭✭✭seenitall


    OP, you don't "cope" with the ageing process. There is nothing to cope with. Ageing is not an illness, a disability or a misfortune. If you think it is, then you might as well think that the changing of the seasons is a misfortune.

    Ageing is just a natural state of affairs, so you would be well advised to accept it as such and get on with your life. There is nothing sadder in this world than seeing someone trying to fight a losing battle. Me personally, I would rather worry and think about more substantial things in my life, such as paying my bills or seeing my family and friends or enjoying my rare holidays, rather than the number of crow's feet on my face or the sagging of my cheeks. Honestly, I don't give them a time of day. (I am no spring chicken either, BTW... but I'm not telling! :p)

    I hope I am not being too harsh here, but really... life is too bloody short, unfortunately, to be worrying that you don't look like you did when you were 25. You can NEVER AGAIN look like you did then. Not even if you fill your face with botox - you won't look any younger, you will just look like you filled your face with botox. Have you seen what Kylie Minogue or Madonna or Melanie Griffith look like recently? Seriously, try and let go of missing the attention that you used to command, the sooner you realise that it is not coming back and accept it, the sooner you will start to feel good about yourself and your life in the long term.

    Trying to think up ways to cope with ageing is like trying to think up ways to cope with the clock on your kitchen wall going from 12 to 1.

    Good luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Thank you for all your advice, I am neither shallow nor vain but losing your
    looks is a difficult time I am 39 and could not compete with girls ten years
    younger, I understand some women are embracing it but it is a personal problem
    for me my brother in law is 30 by the way hence the girl being 25 she has
    been with him foer over a year and she gets so much attention you do
    naturally miss that. My question was how do you cope with ageing?

    I thought that your brother in law was 45 and marrying some hot thing 20 years his junior! Then you might be justified in being a little concerned.

    I really think you're making a fuss over nothing, especially as you say yourself, you have a good marriage and a good job. What can I say - look after yourself, exercise, stay out of the sun, take care of your skin, get your hair done and be nice to your future sister-in-law because nastiness shows on your face and will age you faster than anything.

    If that's not enough go out on the town with a few single friends your own age and that will teach you to appreciate your husband and what you have.

    Cop on and welcome your future sister in law into the family and stop being jealous of her. Remember you were 25 once yourself and wouldn't have liked it if an older woman was jealous of you just because you were young and pretty.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    Honestly, the older I've gotten, the less I've liked having a lot of attention, and the more I've liked doing my own thing with my mates in a corner, or keeping things moving in the background.

    I think a lot of your problem is that your 'self-image' - of who you are, what your strengths are, and how you rate yourself - is still stuck about 25, and now you're realizing that's no longer tenable at age 40.

    You need to sit down and decide who you want to be and how you want to measure yourself come 45. What sort of middle age women do you admire? Do you want to be the warm, funny hostess? The smart, able career woman? The active community volunteer? The slightly eccentric artists? A combination of a few things?

    You lose the image of yourself as an attractive, flirty young thing, and you come up with a new image. And you work towards it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14 older smiley


    I,m bald fat,wrinkled with a hairy body and 46 thank God i'm a man.You have a lot going for you your married and in a job and yet you seem so unsure of yourself i don't understand that at all.men do look at other women especially ones with big boobs as another person said but it means nothing except wishfull thinking.at the end of the day your husband sleeps with you and in fairness he's not the man you once married either.Life is actually about growing old together warts and all if possible


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for all your advice, I am neither shallow nor vain but losing your
    looks is a difficult time I am 39 and could not compete with girls ten years
    younger, I understand some women are embracing it but it is a personal problem
    for me my brother in law is 30 by the way hence the girl being 25 she has
    been with him foer over a year and she gets so much attention you do
    naturally miss that. My question was how do you cope with ageing?

    OP, I knew you'd get nothing but sanctimonious claptrap on here. A load of worthy handwringers telling you there is more to life than looks. Total rubbish as any realistic person knows.

    Sure, Madonna looks like a p!g, no arguments there but what about Michelle pffeiffer etc -people against surgery always pick the bad poster girls rather than those who've done it well. And there are plenty who have, its not all down to genes, early nights and plenty of water.

    Get the money together and sort whatever bothers you most. Don't listen to all the naysayers who seem to believe a well developed personality and interest in your looks are mutually exclusive. They are not. There is a sort of worthy tyranny on here that seems to believe that any pride/interest in your looks means you are a tabloid reading moron, well, please just ignore that.

    Yeah, so some people get their kicks being a middle aged woman is whatever flavours that is supposed to come in....I myself would be mortified. Someone said visualise what type of middle aged woman you want to be.....I never heard anything so nonsensical in my life. No-one on the planet wants to be any type of middle aged woman.

    Middle aged women are invisible, no one gives them a second thought.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    be selfish wrote: »
    OP, I knew you'd get nothing but sanctimonious claptrap on here. A load of worthy handwringers telling you there is more to life than looks. Total rubbish as any realistic person knows.

    Sure, Madonna looks like a p!g, no arguments there but what about Michelle pffeiffer etc -people against surgery always pick the bad poster girls rather than those who've done it well. And there are plenty who have, its not all down to genes, early nights and plenty of water.

    Get the money together and sort whatever bothers you most. Don't listen to all the naysayers who seem to believe a well developed personality and interest in your looks are mutually exclusive. They are not. There is a sort of worthy tyranny on here that seems to believe that any pride/interest in your looks means you are a tabloid reading moron, well, please just ignore that.

    Yeah, so some people get their kicks being a middle aged woman is whatever flavours that is supposed to come in....I myself would be mortified. Someone said visualise what type of middle aged woman you want to be.....I never heard anything so nonsensical in my life. No-one on the planet wants to be any type of middle aged woman.

    Middle aged women are invisible, no one gives them a second thought.

    Thank you so much for your honesty "be selfish", I was out for lunch with
    some friends 35-40 a couple single and some married, No on wants
    to become unattractive and invisible and society does not favour
    middle aged women. All my friends were honest they are losing their
    looks big time and regardless of how happy they are it's horrible.
    They are not being shallow but honest. We sat opposite a couple
    in their mid twenties and the girl got countless stares where we were
    made to feel invisible.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yeah, I hear you. Unfortunate but true. I can cope with not being looked at but its the open contempt and almost dirty looks you get that bothers me. I notice it a lot at work, people will be curt and abrupt/rude with a middle aged woman but all smiles and niceties to pretty or even average younger women. They are so obvious about it. I was never like that to older people when I was younger. It's rude.

    I am friendly enough with everyone and once recently was walking out of the building with one of the lads, he didn't have his car for whatever reason and I was going his way and without a second thought offered him a lift. He seemed to assume I was coming on to him and ran off like a scalded cat. I was totally mortified. I am in a really happy relationship and have always been 'one of the lads' but this is what it's come to. He wouldn't be seen dead in the car with me, I felt so awful and made a mental note never to do that again. I wouldn't mind but I wouldn't have touched this fella with a bargepole even if we were the same age, not that it matters but....cringe.

    People avoid you and assume you are a desperate old hag, it's upsetting.

    I think there is a lot of denial and deluded talk going on on this thread. I'd rather be a man anyday, you can still pass the time of day with people as a middle aged/older man and that's fine but if an older woman behaves normally she is treated like a freak. It's depressing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    35 and female here.

    It hasn't gone south yet but some days I just look eh... 'tired'.

    My take on it is that I'm not trying to look 20 or compete with a 20 year old. But I want to known as a 'fine looking woman' for whatever age I am - a fine looking woman of 35 or of 55.

    Its rare of course, but occasionally you do meet such creatures. Generally they are exceptionally good looking people to start with, keep themselves well, have a youthful attitude, still wear classy but fashionable cloths and carry themselves very well, so they're my role models.

    Though as I said, they tend to have had bone structure to start with (and God knows its all you have left at the end!!). Anybody can be a stunner at 22. Only real lookers shine at 50!

    And I agree that feeling this way doesn't make you shallow or stupid. You're just working through it.
    There's also a theory that if you 'think pretty' you'll BE pretty. I know it sounds stupid, but if you make yourself believe you are hot, you will be. That applies at any age... well up to the 60 mark anyway (no offense oldies).


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,697 ✭✭✭seenitall


    be selfish, you baffle me...

    No one on the planet wants to be any type of middle aged woman? You don't say? Speak for yourself only, please, that is all you can do, anything else is THE definition of arrogant claptrap. If YOU feel invisible as a middle-aged woman, that is your problem, don't try to project it on everyone else posting on this thread, the majority of whom disagree with you by the way.

    So, you would be mortified to be a middle aged woman? Too bad, as it sounds like that is exactly what you are. It doesn't sound like it is much fun to be you, either.

    Time is NOT on your side, so if you want to play with botox and fillers go ahead - it only postpones you having to deal with how you feel about yourself, it will never solve it.

    Good luck with it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    be selfish wrote: »
    OP, I knew you'd get nothing but sanctimonious claptrap on here. A load of worthy handwringers telling you there is more to life than looks. Total rubbish as any realistic person knows.

    Are you saying there isn't more to life than looks? Jeepers, that is a sad state of affairs.
    be selfish wrote: »
    Get the money together and sort whatever bothers you most. Don't listen to all the naysayers who seem to believe a well developed personality and interest in your looks are mutually exclusive. They are not. There is a sort of worthy tyranny on here that seems to believe that any pride/interest in your looks means you are a tabloid reading moron, well, please just ignore that.

    Nobody said anything like that, paranoid much?! :confused: You think the answer to feeling insecure and unattractive because strangers look at 25yr olds instead of you is surgery to try desperately to cling onto something assembling a 25yr olds body? Wow. I'm all for a nip and tuck if some fixable imperfection is getting you down but pinning self-esteem on a face-job and perky tits is a recipe for disaster.
    be selfish wrote: »
    Middle aged women are invisible, no one gives them a second thought.

    Except their loving spouses/partners/families/friends...just because some stranger doesn't oggle a woman in a bar doesn't make her invisible nor that no one gives her a second thought. What an entirely pitiful superficiality to use to gauge attractiveness and self-worth. :(


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are you saying there isn't more to life than looks? Jeepers, that is a sad state of affairs.



    Nobody said anything like that, paranoid much?! :confused: You think the answer to feeling insecure and unattractive because strangers look at 25yr olds instead of you is surgery to try desperately to cling onto something assembling a 25yr olds body? Wow. I'm all for a nip and tuck if some fixable imperfection is getting you down but pinning self-esteem on a face-job and perky tits is a recipe for disaster.



    Except their loving spouses/partners/families/friends...just because some stranger doesn't oggle a woman in a bar doesn't make her invisible nor that no one gives her a second thought. What an entirely pitiful superficiality to use to gauge attractiveness and self-worth. :(

    I would not myself consider surgery but if it makes people feel better.
    Coping with the loss of youth is shattering and I am a positive person but this
    is a difficult process. When out in the pub with married couples it's clear to
    see my friends husbands starin at younger women who can wear what they
    like.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭Stu


    Unregcorklady, if the ageing process is getting you down then get some work done. At the end of the day, if your unhappy with something, fix it. Theres nothing wrong with that and anybody who thinks they look good will feel more confident.

    As a guy, i would have no problem going under the knife when i'm in my 40's if i felt i needed some work done. In fairness, its easier for men to accept getting older because we apparently age gracefully where as women just age. As for people telling you to cop on, just ignore them. If your unhappy, look into what procedures you can get dome to improve your appearance if it will make you feel happier. At the end of the day we all just want to feel happy and confident.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Don't let anyone tell you you don't have the right to feel sad about the loss of the youth and the first (or second) flush of youth.

    But don't let it turn into an obsession either.

    You are still just 40. So are half the women in Hollywood nowadays.

    You say you are not happy with your body. Well loss of muscle tone & the dreaded thick middle shouldn't happen until the 50 mark, so whatever about the face, physically you should be in your prime. The average age for marathon runners is 38, and very many thriathlon people are in their 30s/early 40s because at that age you have the physical fitness and the essential mental stamina that younger people don't.

    So change the things you can and accept the things you can't.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I would not myself consider surgery but if it makes people feel better.

    I agree, if it makes them feel better and doesn't just end in a life-time of nipping and tucking trying in vain to cling onto the impossible dream of eternal youth.
    Coping with the loss of youth is shattering and I am a positive person but this
    is a difficult process. When out in the pub with married couples it's clear to
    see my friends husbands starin at younger women who can wear what they
    like.

    Do you really think they did not look at other women 10-15yrs ago?

    There are lots of stunningly beautiful 40 yr olds and pig ugly 20-somethings, there is no rule that old must = ugly & young always = beautiful. Even with a ton of work, the best clothes and whatever other window dressing you throw at it, there is always going to be more beautiful people out there, even just among our peers - never mind the teenagers. If you feel happier in your skin then you don't notice other people or at least you don't grudge them their youth...

    Best of luck :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    On the plus side, growing older and invisible enables me to walk out of the house without looking in the mirror, stressing over whether what I'm wearing is suitable/makes me look slim/matches etc. I can walk around town all day and nobody notices. The plus side is when I do make even minimum effort tend people notice and compliment me.

    On the other hand, my 15 year old daughter is growing old quickly with the stress of wearing the right thing, washing her hair if even one strand looks greasy, worrying about her weight, her skin, whether her friends will comment unfavourably on her style, whether boys will look and her and like what they see. Even getting ready for school is a minefield for her.

    Nobody gave a shi.te in my day what we looked like so long as we had enough uniform on to get past the head mistress without getting a tug and we didn't smell. Good times. :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,208 ✭✭✭fatmammycat


    Guffaws, I love how us happy contented folk heading for forty are 'deluded' and 'worthy tranny'(s) filled with 'clap trap.' Angry much be selfish?
    OP, if I was out with my friends I wouldn't even notice other women at a different table, let alone whether they were getting tons of looks or not. You seem VERY caught up in your exterior.
    Well sorry, you can't unage. You can't magically roll back the years, no one can. You're going to get older every year and look older every year and there's nothing wrong with that.
    I don't know why anyone would worry about being 'invisible', invisible to whom? Your friends? husband? Family? Are the gawks of random men that important to you? Good grief I still get gob****es hollerin' at me if I'm out running. What's so affirming about that? It's meaningless.
    And on the subject of surgery, in REAL life I've never seen anyone with surgery look better, only different. Frozen brows, over puffed lips, tightly stretched skin, stuff that ONLY us women actually notice anyway. Sorry, I'd rather be my age and look well for it, than be someone chasing after a decade I've already had my time in. That doesn't make me 'deluded' it makes me a happy 37 year old with more going on in my life that my face.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Good grief I still get gob****es hollerin' at me if I'm out running. What's so affirming about that? It's meaningless.

    I agree. I was cycling to work today (wearing a skirt which had hitched up a bit) and this tool kept pulling up beside me in a white van and honking. I don't regard honks from white van drivers and wolf whistles from gurriers as affirmation that I am still young and shaggable. :rolleyes:

    Men sense when women are desperate for attention and they run a mile. It doesn't matter what age the women are. Older women are naturally enough more anxious about still having "it" and this anxiety can come across as desperation. Younger women aren't aware of losing their looks so don't come across as anxious or desperate. There's nothing worse than a group of women over 35 out for a night bitching about losing their looks or how horrible men are. It's toxic, it stinks and creates a negative vibe that repels everyone. The bitterness of these women adds about 20 years to their faces.

    Somebody said that only real lookers shine at 50. Maybe so, but sometimes ugly duckling women who didn't get much attention in their teens and twenties are the ones who blossom when they're older because they don't take anything for granted, work on themselves and more importantly, cultivate a positive attitude. If a woman is fairly plain in her youth she's more likely to work on her personality and other attributes so the changes that come with age aren't such a big deal to her.

    Maybe one of the reasons Michelle Pfeiffer still looks great (surgery or not) is that she doesn't care that she's not getting the media attention she did when she was younger while Madonna wants to be in the limelight all the time. You can't hog the limelight forever, you have to hand it over to somebody else gracefully when the time comes, that's the way life is.

    I really feel sorry for the OP's brother-in-law's 25 year old fiancee having a future sister-in-law that resents her for no reason except that she's 15 years younger. It's horrible to be on the receiving end of this sort of bitterness from older women who shut you out for no reason other than your youth.

    I might be older now myself and single to boot, but I don't envy 25 year olds their youth. I've been there myself, worn the denim micro-miniskirt and now it's time to do something different.

    I can't understand the OP, she's got a good marriage (for now, but she'd want to ditch the toxic attitude or that could change) a good job and seems to have the means to spend money on clothes, hair, make-up etc. How many women her age are struggling to make ends meet because their husbands have lost their jobs and haven't any time or money for themselves? Or are caring 24/7 for a sick child or other family member?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭Stu


    I don't think the OP has a toxic attitude at all but she does need to get some perspective on things. 40 is not old but it aint 25 either and while some people don't have a problem with getting older, many people find it a difficult adjustment hense the term "mid life crisis".

    For example, if my daughter is flat chested when she is 17 or 18 and wants a boob job because she is lacking confidence and doesn't feel like a women i will pay for a boob job. Simple as. Because the self esteem issues around not feeling like a women will affect other areas of her life and she won't be the person she wants to be. Now, some of you will say, that in this situation my daughter needs to look at her other good attributes and focus on them bla bla bla, its all bull****. If something is holding you back then try to fix it by whatever means available.

    We live in a very shallow society where looks and youth are cherished and getting older is seen as something that should be avoided at all costs even though its inevitable. Some people struggle with getter older more than others and should do whatever they need to do to if it makes them feel better, younger, happier.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Stu wrote: »
    We live in a very shallow society where looks and youth are cherished and getting older is seen as something that should be avoided at all costs even though its inevitable. Some people struggle with getter older more than others and should do whatever they need to do to if it makes them feel better, younger, happier.

    I would say that we live in a society where we are products and are judged by our consumability (youth and beauty, in the case of women). This to me is very unhealthy and it makes me sad to see everyone buying into the attitude that you have to look good at all costs and if you don't then fix it surgically.

    What next - compulsory euthanasia to stop old people from creating aesthetic pollution?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭Cheap Thrills!


    ^^ Agree with that stu. It mightn't bother some people but it bothers some.

    I don't think some people coming on showboating about how well adjusted they are really helps at all. Smugness is as unattractive as insecurity.

    OP, I completely identify with what you are saying. You have every right to feel sad and grieve for the loss of youth and beauty. Those things brought pleasure and that pleasure is perfectly valid.

    As much as society is unbalanced by being overly focused on beauty and sexiness and looks there is also the other end of the scale where there is an almost snobbery about not being seen as superficial or shallow which is just as bad.

    Your feelings are perfectly valid. Its something that bothers you and it's real. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' way you are supposed to feel about ageing.

    I think if I understand you correctly part of it is feeling 'left out', invisible or ignored. Not part of the fun. That your time has passed, yes that is sad and you are perfectly entitled to mourn that loss.

    Some people may be happily oblivious but I wonder if it's not a studied defiance....after all those who seem to shout the loudest and proudest about how indifferent they are to admiration and impervious to ageing they are, can't help but drop a little line in there about how they still draw admiring glances/remarks when they are working out/walking past a building site and how little this means to them...

    Methinks they doth protest too much! ;)


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