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12-04-2010, 00:01   #1
unregcorklady
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How to cope with losing your youth?

Hello going unreg for this as it's a bit personal.
Basically I'm approaching the big 40 and feeling very down. I know getting
older is part of life but it's hitting me hard I'm very unhappy with my
appearance nothing major just ageing, I put in a major effort to my appearance
keeping fit make up hair and clothes. My brother in law is getting married to
a 25 year old girl who is absolutely beautiful and my husband has certainly
noticed her on family gatherings and mights out the amount of attention she gets
is unreal I will admit I am jealous.. I feel as if I am overlooked because of
my age. I have a good marraige and job both of which I am happy in but
this is greatly upsetting me. Going out with friends seeing girls 10-20
years younger gets us all down, so my question is how do you cope with ageing?
I know making the most of yourself which I do but when you realise your
getting older and losing your looks. Much appreciated.
 
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12-04-2010, 00:23   #2
deadpoet
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As with death, aging is an inevitable part of life that simply must be accepted or you'll live out the rest of your days in a sunless abyss of self-loating misery. Pardon me if this reads harsh, unregcorklady; but I'm sure you'll appreciate the truth rather than a sugar coating.

Of course you must remember that not everyone is as focused on looks as you might be. You must now focus upon inner beauty. You have inner beauty, right? What have you learned in your 40 years as an entity on this earth? Surely you've gained experience? It is this experience that these younger women will always lack, and it is this experience that will work to your advantage.

As a man little over half your age, I can assure you that there exist many younger men who prefer an older woman for her experience in life, and that in regard to looks, a few wrinkles and the rest gives character to a woman - each of which younger women will always lack.
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12-04-2010, 00:34   #3
Bluebell35
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Hi i'm 36 so not too far behind you, I used to feel like you until I broke up with my ex, now i'm not telling you the solution is to dump your hubby LOL but that basically our feelings of inferiority comes from how we think others percieve us. There will always be younger, beautiful girls that we think are more desirable but that is actually all in our heads. The best thing you can do is not compare yourself to younger girls because really there is no comparison, both have completely different attributes. If you have to compare, compare to others in your age group and you will see that the most gorgeous and sexy are those that are comfortable with their age.
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12-04-2010, 02:14   #4
Ickle Magoo
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First of all have a word in your husband's ear about being a little bit more subtle because having him constantly "certainly notice" another women in your presence is a bit off.

Although getting older means my looks have changed, I wouldn't give back everything I've done and learnt and been in the past 10yrs to get it back. I think it helps to regularly spoil yourself, get a new hairstyle or consultation with a clothing stylist, make sure you get enough you time and that you are fulfilled, not just busy. Keep happy on the inside and you'll feel beautiful on the outside.

Best of luck
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12-04-2010, 09:13   #5
be selfish
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Simple answer, don't give in to it. It is the MOST depressing part of life. And I have had a VERY difficult life with a lot of 'real' problems but this beats all.

I get botox and fillers and it helps so much. Really. You can listen to all the phoney pep up speeches you like....'oh my experience and wisdom are better than any youth and beauty blah blah blah' but you know yourself what a load of empty, trite claptrap it really is.

Nothing will bring back our youth and that is devastating but don't give up and don't listen to the ageing naturally nazi's. Good work subtly done is worth much more than all the wisdom and experience in Ireland. I mean it.

I never realised how much men looked at me until now when they do a lot less, it's shocking how much a woman misses that. Yes I will get called shallow but I don't care. I enjoy male attention, I'm not ashamed of that.

If your husband is pi$$ing you off looking at your younger relative, get yourself flirting with a hot younger man and see how he likes it. What's good for the goose and all that.
 
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12-04-2010, 09:41   #6
mariaalice
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im in my 40ties and i think im gorgeous... iv little or no interest in fashion, live in a pair of jeans...and im considered a bit eccentric by my family and friends.

i get lots of male attention( due to having large breasts!! )...attention from men doesn't bother me one way or the other...im happy the with myself.
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12-04-2010, 09:48   #7
fatmammycat
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Sorry you feel this way OP, but you seem to have put an awful lot of stock in looks.
I'm 37, I don't look like I did at 27, nobody does. I'm fit, active, have a great job and a good man to go through life with and far from fretting about every laughter line or wrinkle I relish the life I'm living now.
I think I'm a lot happier at 37 than I was at 27 and hove a much better outlook on life. Yes people look older as they age, but so what? What's wrong with looking a little older? Why is that a reason for sorrow or a sense of loss?
I think you're feeling a bit low in self esteem and confidence, but those are not things that come from without, but rather from within. Botox and fillers are fine if you like that kind of thing- I don't. But it won't address the feelings you have.
Take some stock, look at where you are in life and see if there are things you can do to bring back the joie de vivre, that way looks won't be the be all and end all.
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12-04-2010, 10:15   #8
Eve_Dublin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mariaalice View Post
im in my 40ties and i think im gorgeous... iv little or no interest in fashion, live in a pair of jeans...and im considered a bit eccentric by my family and friends.

I get lots of male attention( due to having large breasts!! )...attention from men doesn't bother me one way or the other...im happy the with myself.
Fair play!! This post made me laugh though. Fact of the matter is wearing a very short skirt gets male attention, large breasts get male attention and showing them gets even MORE male attention regardless of whether they're big or not or if they're 30 year or 40 year old boobs. In reality it's not all that difficult to get the attention of men if that's what you want, they're simple creatures really but why would you base your whole self-worth on whether some guy on the bus looks at you twice?

I live in Spain and like to observe what draws the attention of Latin men here when I'm coming to and from work. They'll be more obvious about it and I find it interesting at how indiscriminate they are when it comes to checking out a lady. Age is not a factor anyway...I see very beautiful young women daily on public transport but they're awkward and unsure of themselves and don't get as much attention as you'd expect. Generally speaking, they don't stand tall, they pull at their clothes, they don't dress to suit their shape....just like I did at their age. Youth is wasted on the young 'n' all that. The women who get the most attention are those in their 30's and 40s who know how to dress, who exude confidence because they clearly have less hangups and are comfortable in their own skin. Of course you do see the beautiful, sexy young women as well but that's the way it's always been, even when I was younger myself. That's life but it doesn't mean that youth is automatically preferable.

But generally speaking, if I see younger women out and about, I kind of feel sorry for them. It's a stage in life when I was very unsure of myself, what I knew and I was constantly worrying what other people thought of me. I'm a wiser person now and can hold the attention of men for a lot longer with my conversational skills whereas when I was younger, I depended solely on my looks and hoped to God they wouldn't notice that I didn't really have a clue what I was talking about. This only got me so far.

To be honest, I know I'm a sexier woman now than when I was 20 (almost 30 now) even though the aging process has kicked in. I'm comfortable with who I am, with my body etc etc. I don't really give a damn if a man looks twice and I think that shows. When I was younger my self-esteem depended on it. For example, I generally get more male attention on Friday than Monday because I'm usually peed off Monday morning and that's the vibe I'm giving off. I get more attention at weekends because I make more of an effort with my appearance and I'm giving off a carefree vibe because it's the weekend. If you change your mindset OP, the rest will follow.
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12-04-2010, 10:37   #9
Emme
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unregcorklady View Post
I have a good marraige and job both of which I am happy in but this is greatly upsetting me.
So what's your problem? Imagine being 40 and single? I'm 37 and single and I'd forfeit the 3 years of "youth" to be in your shoes - 40 and in a good marriage. Be grateful for what you have. Your brother-in-law is marrying a 25 year old because he can but it isn't your problem because you're married to his brother.

Stop being so negative because your husband will pick up on it. Of course everyone is going to be all over your brother's fiancee, she's the new kid in town and I bet it would be exactly the same if she was 40.

All men look at other women, it's in their nature. If your husband is good in other ways and isn't showing any signs of infidelity and treats you well all round you're making a mountain over a molehill when it comes to your age.

Count your blessings.

Last edited by Emme; 12-04-2010 at 10:47.
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12-04-2010, 10:43   #10
kjl
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my advice is to grow up, so what if you are not the centre of attention any more, you have a happy marriage and a good job, sounds like your life is pretty good.
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12-04-2010, 13:43   #11
unregcorklady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emme View Post
So what's your problem? Imagine being 40 and single? I'm 37 and single and I'd forfeit the 3 years of "youth" to be in your shoes - 40 and in a good marriage. Be grateful for what you have. Your brother-in-law is marrying a 25 year old because he can but it isn't your problem because you're married to his brother.

Stop being so negative because your husband will pick up on it. Of course everyone is going to be all over your brother's fiancee, she's the new kid in town and I bet it would be exactly the same if she was 40.

All men look at other women, it's in their nature. If your husband is good in other ways and isn't showing any signs of infidelity and treats you well all round you're making a mountain over a molehill when it comes to your age.

Count your blessings.

Thank you for all your advice, I am neither shallow nor vain but losing your
looks is a difficult time I am 39 and could not compete with girls ten years
younger, I understand some women are embracing it but it is a personal problem
for me my brother in law is 30 by the way hence the girl being 25 she has
been with him foer over a year and she gets so much attention you do
naturally miss that. My question was how do you cope with ageing?
 
12-04-2010, 14:40   #12
seenitall
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OP, you don't "cope" with the ageing process. There is nothing to cope with. Ageing is not an illness, a disability or a misfortune. If you think it is, then you might as well think that the changing of the seasons is a misfortune.

Ageing is just a natural state of affairs, so you would be well advised to accept it as such and get on with your life. There is nothing sadder in this world than seeing someone trying to fight a losing battle. Me personally, I would rather worry and think about more substantial things in my life, such as paying my bills or seeing my family and friends or enjoying my rare holidays, rather than the number of crow's feet on my face or the sagging of my cheeks. Honestly, I don't give them a time of day. (I am no spring chicken either, BTW... but I'm not telling! )

I hope I am not being too harsh here, but really... life is too bloody short, unfortunately, to be worrying that you don't look like you did when you were 25. You can NEVER AGAIN look like you did then. Not even if you fill your face with botox - you won't look any younger, you will just look like you filled your face with botox. Have you seen what Kylie Minogue or Madonna or Melanie Griffith look like recently? Seriously, try and let go of missing the attention that you used to command, the sooner you realise that it is not coming back and accept it, the sooner you will start to feel good about yourself and your life in the long term.

Trying to think up ways to cope with ageing is like trying to think up ways to cope with the clock on your kitchen wall going from 12 to 1.

Good luck.
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12-04-2010, 14:40   #13
Emme
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unregcorklady View Post
Thank you for all your advice, I am neither shallow nor vain but losing your
looks is a difficult time I am 39 and could not compete with girls ten years
younger, I understand some women are embracing it but it is a personal problem
for me my brother in law is 30 by the way hence the girl being 25 she has
been with him foer over a year and she gets so much attention you do
naturally miss that. My question was how do you cope with ageing?
I thought that your brother in law was 45 and marrying some hot thing 20 years his junior! Then you might be justified in being a little concerned.

I really think you're making a fuss over nothing, especially as you say yourself, you have a good marriage and a good job. What can I say - look after yourself, exercise, stay out of the sun, take care of your skin, get your hair done and be nice to your future sister-in-law because nastiness shows on your face and will age you faster than anything.

If that's not enough go out on the town with a few single friends your own age and that will teach you to appreciate your husband and what you have.

Cop on and welcome your future sister in law into the family and stop being jealous of her. Remember you were 25 once yourself and wouldn't have liked it if an older woman was jealous of you just because you were young and pretty.

Last edited by Emme; 12-04-2010 at 14:43.
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12-04-2010, 15:05   #14
cafecolour
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Honestly, the older I've gotten, the less I've liked having a lot of attention, and the more I've liked doing my own thing with my mates in a corner, or keeping things moving in the background.

I think a lot of your problem is that your 'self-image' - of who you are, what your strengths are, and how you rate yourself - is still stuck about 25, and now you're realizing that's no longer tenable at age 40.

You need to sit down and decide who you want to be and how you want to measure yourself come 45. What sort of middle age women do you admire? Do you want to be the warm, funny hostess? The smart, able career woman? The active community volunteer? The slightly eccentric artists? A combination of a few things?

You lose the image of yourself as an attractive, flirty young thing, and you come up with a new image. And you work towards it.
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12-04-2010, 19:51   #15
older smiley
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I,m bald fat,wrinkled with a hairy body and 46 thank God i'm a man.You have a lot going for you your married and in a job and yet you seem so unsure of yourself i don't understand that at all.men do look at other women especially ones with big boobs as another person said but it means nothing except wishfull thinking.at the end of the day your husband sleeps with you and in fairness he's not the man you once married either.Life is actually about growing old together warts and all if possible
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