Jealous stepdaughter. Am I at fault?

ladyduff · 13-03-2010, 00:10

Hi all,

I have a problem that I am hoping you may be able to offer some advice on. I am in a very happy, longterm relationship, we recently bought a house together and everything is going well. My partner has a seven year old daughter, who I have had a relationship with since she was born.

The relationship has been quite good - she has always been a little wary of me, but recently I've noticed that when my partner and I are together, she is acting in a possessive way - cuddling up to him, refusing to sit beside me, in general trying to come between us. Last night when my partner went to kiss me goodbye, she literally jumped in to stop us. This is really beginning to bother me, so much so that I am beginning to resent her - I feel like I am now becoming jealous of her, which is making me hate myself.

We are not an overly affectionate couple - if anything we tend to be less cuddly around her, so as not to make her jealous. There is a problem with her mother, who has never spoken to me - we don't have any relationship at all and the daughter often mentions this. I would dearly like to have a better relationship with her mother but any approaches have been rebuffed. In the meantime I need to work out how to deal with my own feelings towards my partner's daughter and how to improve the possessive / jealousy issue, in our home.

Any advice greatly received!!

Eoineo · 13-03-2010, 03:16

So include her in your kiss/cuddle. If she jumps in when you say goodbye to one another have a group hug. Seriously it will make a massive difference. Going on my own experience (I'm a stepmother to a 10YO) she isn't trying to drive you apart she's feeling excluded from your relationship.

metrovelvet · 13-03-2010, 08:41

How old is the child? Does she visit you or live with you?

ladyduff · 13-03-2010, 10:30

She is seven. She doesn't live with us but spends a lot of time with us. At least half the week and nights too. I'm not sure if group affection would work - she doesn't like me hugging her at all. It can be a little awkward. I'm a wicked stepmother!!

**Thaedydal** · 13-03-2010, 10:41

She's 7 and her Dad and her relationship with him is becoming that of Daddy's girl.
He is the most imporant man in her life and the template gets set over the next few years as to how she will expect ment to treat her.

That being said while knowing what it is helps there has to be boundaries so you should talk with your partner about it.

metrovelvet · 13-03-2010, 11:00

I would avoid a competition with a seven year old girl. She sounds like she espcially needy of her dad right now or struggling a bit with loyalty issues.

grindelwald · 13-03-2010, 14:43

Just to say my kids are both mine and my husbands ,but they dont like us kissing and hugging in front of them, if fact i didnt like it when my parents did, made me feel akward.

the 3 year old will jump in the middle of us = major family hug.

the 4 year old will also try and be included.

the 10 year old says uuurrrr will you stop thats horrid and has done since she was aprox 7.

how did you feel when your parents were hugging and kissing?

ladyduff · 13-03-2010, 16:03

I never saw my parents being affectionate in front of us - it just didn't happen. This isn't just about kisses an cuddles tho - she tends to interrupt me even when I'm just talking to my partner. At the moment it feels like I'm competing for my partner in my own home. I guess I'll have to sit down with him about it and make sure that we're including her as much as poss.

metrovelvet · 13-03-2010, 16:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyduff

I never saw my parents being affectionate in front of us - it just didn't happen. This isn't just about kisses an cuddles tho - she tends to interrupt me even when I'm just talking to my partner. At the moment it feels like I'm competing for my partner in my own home. I guess I'll have to sit down with him about it and make sure that we're including her as much as poss.

Isn't it her home too? Maybe she has pciked up that she doesnt feel like it is and she doesn't belong there?

She needs to learn not to interupt first of all. Because that is just bad manners.

But, maybe she needs clingy time now with her dad and will grow out of it.

13-03-2010, 00:10	#1
ladyduff Registered User Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 4 Adverts \| Friends	Jealous stepdaughter. Am I at fault? Hi all, I have a problem that I am hoping you may be able to offer some advice on. I am in a very happy, longterm relationship, we recently bought a house together and everything is going well. My partner has a seven year old daughter, who I have had a relationship with since she was born. The relationship has been quite good - she has always been a little wary of me, but recently I've noticed that when my partner and I are together, she is acting in a possessive way - cuddling up to him, refusing to sit beside me, in general trying to come between us. Last night when my partner went to kiss me goodbye, she literally jumped in to stop us. This is really beginning to bother me, so much so that I am beginning to resent her - I feel like I am now becoming jealous of her, which is making me hate myself. We are not an overly affectionate couple - if anything we tend to be less cuddly around her, so as not to make her jealous. There is a problem with her mother, who has never spoken to me - we don't have any relationship at all and the daughter often mentions this. I would dearly like to have a better relationship with her mother but any approaches have been rebuffed. In the meantime I need to work out how to deal with my own feelings towards my partner's daughter and how to improve the possessive / jealousy issue, in our home. Any advice greatly received!!

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13-03-2010, 03:16	#2
Eoineo Registered User Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 434 Adverts \| Friends	So include her in your kiss/cuddle. If she jumps in when you say goodbye to one another have a group hug. Seriously it will make a massive difference. Going on my own experience (I'm a stepmother to a 10YO) she isn't trying to drive you apart she's feeling excluded from your relationship.

13-03-2010, 08:41	#3
metrovelvet Registered User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,043 Adverts \| Friends	How old is the child? Does she visit you or live with you?

13-03-2010, 10:30	#4
ladyduff Registered User Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 4 Adverts \| Friends	She is seven. She doesn't live with us but spends a lot of time with us. At least half the week and nights too. I'm not sure if group affection would work - she doesn't like me hugging her at all. It can be a little awkward. I'm a wicked stepmother!!

13-03-2010, 10:41	#5
Thaedydal Moderator Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: behind you, in the dark, smiling... Posts: 39,310 Adverts \| Friends Mod: Beer Guts & Receding Hairlines, Dark & Deviant, Paganism, Parenting, Personal Issues, PI Mods, Sex & Sexuality	She's 7 and her Dad and her relationship with him is becoming that of Daddy's girl. He is the most imporant man in her life and the template gets set over the next few years as to how she will expect ment to treat her. That being said while knowing what it is helps there has to be boundaries so you should talk with your partner about it.

13-03-2010, 11:00	#6
metrovelvet Registered User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,043 Adverts \| Friends	I would avoid a competition with a seven year old girl. She sounds like she espcially needy of her dad right now or struggling a bit with loyalty issues.

13-03-2010, 14:43	#7
grindelwald Registered User Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: No mans land Posts: 829 Adverts \| Friends	Just to say my kids are both mine and my husbands ,but they dont like us kissing and hugging in front of them, if fact i didnt like it when my parents did, made me feel akward. the 3 year old will jump in the middle of us = major family hug. the 4 year old will also try and be included. the 10 year old says uuurrrr will you stop thats horrid and has done since she was aprox 7. how did you feel when your parents were hugging and kissing?

13-03-2010, 16:03	#8
ladyduff Registered User Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 4 Adverts \| Friends	I never saw my parents being affectionate in front of us - it just didn't happen. This isn't just about kisses an cuddles tho - she tends to interrupt me even when I'm just talking to my partner. At the moment it feels like I'm competing for my partner in my own home. I guess I'll have to sit down with him about it and make sure that we're including her as much as poss.