I am in the process of tracing my brother at present. It has taken me nearly 15 years to pluck up the courage to begin my search. Also the rules changed a few years ago whereby blood siblings have the rights to search. Although I obtained my mothers permission to begin the search it has without question caused a lot of emotion for my mother who is very delicate to say the least. She will not seek help or counselling, I guess because she has had to deal with it on her own for over 40years. She has It in her mind that her son does not wish to trace her, because if he did, he would have done so by now. This must be very hurtful deep down for my Mother. My Mother has said that she didn't feel that it was her place to begun the search. She also did not wish to cause upset to the adoptive parents which is an extremely kind thing to do. Not one day, including each birthday, Xmas, has passed where he was not thought of. In my search, using a free tracing service in the uk, offered by the local authority, the social worker traced an address. A letter was sent and there was no response. A second letter was sent which was signed for and my brother emailed the social worker. He said he was deeply shocked, but happy to learn he has an extended family. He also said that he would not of initiated any search until his adoptive parents had passed (which in my opinion could be way too late in fear if the birth parents also passing on in the meantime). Something I have learnt from the social worker is that boys dont tend to trace the same as girls. Boys don't respond and aren't able to deal with the whole situation as well as girls do. This could be due to "motherly instinct". My brother will not agree to meet the social worker to discuss matters snd do the social worker recommended and asked my brothers permission if I could write via the social worker. So I wrote a letter and included a photograph and off it went. He received it and rang the social worker to confirm receipt (something the social worker asked him to do in her covering letter). My brother has said that he will write back via the social worker, is still reluctant to meet her as he is still deeply shocked. He may never agree to a re-union due to his feelings and loyalty he feels that he owes to his adoptive parents. He may just want to see a picture to see if we resemble each other and to learn a little. This may be all that he needs to move on and close that chapter in his life. This unfortunately does happen. On the flip side, given time and by taking baby steps, who knows, one day he may agree to a re-union. Only time will tell. One thing I have learnt from this experience is that I have read up alot about the situation I'm in right now and you have got to bs prepared for the worst case scenario. You have also got to put yourself in the shoes of the adoptee and the birth parents to understand all feelings and emotions that the search will undoubtedly cause. The social workers advice has been fantastic and we are taking "baby steps" at present. One huge bit of advice, even though the search was a sibling to sibling search. If your brother starts to ask questions surrounding the adoption, parents etc, I have been advised that it us nor my place to answer. If those questions need answering, then the suggestion would be for the birth parent to follow the exact same procedure as the sibling to sibling request. Siblings cannot and should not answer sensitive questions on behalf of others. The answer/s may not be 100% fact and the last thing you would want in such a delicate situation is to cause any further upset.
I do hope that my insight into my search can answer some questions and help others in a similar situation. I feel for every one of you. The pain never goes away until a happy re-union and regular contact which will make up for all of those lost years.
My love and thoughts are with you.
Good luck with your search/es.
If anyone wants to chat let me know.