When I was in my 3rd year of college in Dec 06, it was rag week and I was out with friends.
I saw a friend I hadnt seen in a few months, and he completely ignored me.
It must have been the drink, because i broke down and started crying all night. Everyone seen my cry my eyes out in the pub. Id been holding in a lot of pent up emotion for a long time, i was bullied all my life growing up.
In january 07, after putting it off for ages, i went to a doctors and was diagnosed with depression. I was out on anti-depressants for 6 months.
they made me feel better for a while.
I finished college that year and got a job, which i worked in for a summer. There was a girl who worked there who i completely fell in love with, but she had a boyfriend and had no idea i liked her, she wouldnt have been interested in me anyway. Even a year after having left that job, i would still get upset thinking about her, it took me a long time to get over her.
Then i worked in another job until may 08, i absolutely hated it and wanted to quit every day, i was delighted when I was let go. unemployed ever since.
I took my savings and got my own place, spent a year living there doing pretty much nothing except drinking, eating pizza and being a loner, feeling lonely all the time and like a complete loser.
I moved back in with my parents 6 months ago. They havent barely talked to me in months, they say i dont act like im a part of the family but i dont feel like i am an equal part of the family, i spent my life been told to do by them and obeying every word of theirs, and now look at the state im in. I feel depressed and down almost all the time and i want a change.
Im thinking of going to australia on a working holiday visa and getting work over there, i want a break from ireland.
I have so many bad memories of growing up that its hard for me to live at home, thinking about the people in school who bullied me and my parents treating me like a dog, being in constant control of me.
I feel all alone all the time, does anyone else get like this? Just like im absolutely alone, even when im with people i dont feel fulfilled. I feel suicidal every day, and i imagine how i would do it, but i know i never would because despite all the hard stuff i still want to live, and i dont want to devestate my family, even if i am angry with them.
Ive never been the same since the night i broke down in that pub during rag week...
Thanks for listening.