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27-02-2012, 19:52   #3586
Seren_
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I can't empathise with those of you who self-harm, only sympathise. It's something I've never brought myself to do. Not from lack of trying or anything. One of the darkest nights I can ever remember, when I felt so utterly sick of everything and everyone in the world, I tried to force myself to do it. This was some time last May, smack bang during the middle of my exams. I just wanted some scar, some mark to prove to people that I wasn't ok and still needed help.

So I'm sitting in my bedroom, scissors in hand. And I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have it in me, whatever it is that makes people do it. Objectively I should be very pleased that I've never injured myself. But with my brain being a twisted clusterfúck that's always out to get me, I just used this as an excuse to mentally torture myself some more. "Oh ffs, how fúcking pathetic are you? Too chicken to take a little pain. Can't even injure yourself. You worthless, useless fúck." And so on.....
God, I feel the exact same way. I feel guilty because I don't SH. It's weird because I've only started feeling this way the past few months. and it's not one of those things you can really say to someone, because they'd be a mixture of o_O and I do Spoiler: hit/starve myself sometimes when I'm really down/angry though, but I don't think of it as being the same. Psych does, but I dunno.... (I put that bit in spoilers in case it's triggering).

I was in with the psychiatrist last week, and he thinks that I can maybe start reducing my meds in the summer. Which I'm happy about of course, but worried too. I have to start getting my eating disorder under control too, because it's one thing that I keep ignoring because there was so much other stuff that had to worked on to lift my mood. Bah.

*hugs* everyone. A college soc I'm in organised a random acts of kindness week last week. Maybe there is something nice you could do for yourself/someone else? It actually can have a good effect on mood as I discovered!
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27-02-2012, 20:05   #3587
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I've been reading this thread for a while, sometimes it helps to know that someone out there understands..even a bit.

I'm not doing too good right now.

I've been suffering from trauma related depression for the past few months; when I say trauma related I mean that's how it started.

It's ruined some of my friendships because I just keep cutting people off. I want to be on my own, yet when I'm alone I feel so so isolated..and all I want is for someone to hold me and understand. Everything is so confusing, my head is such a mess.

People I trusted have let me down, and people I never expected much from have surprised me. Some people just can't understand, or don't want to, and it's ok..I get it, but Jesus it hurts like hell. Especially when it's someone you love.

One night last week, I had a really bad night, and a friend I haven't seen in years happened to message me. I was that bad that I just needed someone, anyone, to understand - so I told him. 5mins later he had replied asking where I was and saying he was coming to get me. That meant the world to me. Yet, I haven't been able to talk to or see my best friend in months..because I can't face her. I can't tell her what happened because I'm not the person she knew anymore. I don't know who I am. And it terrifies me. She text me saying she was worried about me and was coming to see me whether I liked it or not, and I got so anxious at even the thought of it. I can't have her here for a whole weekend. She said she doesn't expect anything; but she doesn't understand that I just don't do anything. How hard it is to just function sometimes. I've always been the one who gets through things, I've always been the strong one - the one who helps people. But now, now I'm so so lost. I just don't know who I was, who I am, or who to be. I hate what happened and I hate myself for not being able to deal with it. I hate it!!!

I've put on weight, and I make myself sick to try to control it. I can't risk it going too far, I've worked too hard. I was overweight as a kid and I'm not going back to that. My psych says it's a coping mechanism and as long as I'm aware and keep it in check we can make sure it doesn't escalate. I'm not stupid, I know I'm not fat, but it doesn't stop me hating everything about myself.

The psych I'm going to now is expensive, he's dropped his rate for me but it's still hitting me hard financially. I went to a free 'counsellor' before him though and she was terrible, absolutely terrible. She nearly made me give up hope. This new guy though, he gives me hope, even if it's only an hour a week.

I get anxious quite alot, and kind of zone out alot. Not sure how to explain it but it's lilke I forget where I am and what I'm doing and I'm just brought back to memories of what I'm trying to get past, and everything just starts to feel dark. It's like forgetting even for half an hour makes the next hour even worse, because I let myself think maybe I'll be ok - and realising I'm still not is so, so hard.

Most of the time, I deal with it by not feeling anything. I don't get excited or happy, I just try to keep going. If I keep going I can function. It's when I stop, or something happens, that I fall back down. That happens alot lately. This past week has been really tough, I just can't seem to get back to neutral, I'm stuck.

Right now, I'm thinking about a million different things in my head that have happened or could happen, and the feeling of sheer despair and powerlessness is overwhelming. My heart is thumping and I feel like I can't breathe with the weight of it all. I hate these times. I hate them.

I know I won't do anything tomorrow. I'll stay here in this room and I'll cry.

I hate myself for it. I was never this person. I was never weak. I worked so hard to get to where I was in life, and everything I'd been through just made me stronger, til now. Why can't I deal with this?!! I thought I was more than this. I thought I was someone worth knowing. I thought I was someone worth..something.
 
27-02-2012, 20:14   #3588
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Appreciate not doing it its terrible doing. You think its only one scratch, one cut, but it always becomes more. Then after you look at your arm, and you think '****' its so hard to stop.
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27-02-2012, 20:23   #3589
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@YTH - I dont think SH is specific to cutting. Personally I'd consider what you do as self harm. Don't mean for that to sound insulting or anything, just pointing it out.
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27-02-2012, 20:27   #3590
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When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.
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27-02-2012, 20:39   #3591
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When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.
Do you eat every meal?
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27-02-2012, 20:42   #3592
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Do you eat every meal?
No, for the last week I haven't eaten any meals, just like one thing a day. Yesterday I ate a bowl of microwave rice in the evening, that's all I had for the day, and the day before I think I just ate a bar of chocolate all day.

I'm at my worst though, I look really sick, and I'm sick of looking so awful, I do go through phases of eating healthily, if I could just get the motivation to go down to the shop and buy some healthy food

The weird thing is I wouldn't call myself anorexic, I don't want to be thin, Im just so depressed I cant eat.

This is definitely my version of self harming I guess.
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27-02-2012, 20:58   #3593
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When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.
I'm the opposite - I comfort eat. Before I use to binge and throw it up then but I somehow overcame that.

Last edited by jammstarr; 27-02-2012 at 21:07.
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27-02-2012, 21:01   #3594
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I eat like, every other day. I have a lot of trouble eating, I try to swallow something, and I be sick, so in the end I don't/
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27-02-2012, 21:07   #3595
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@YTH - I dont think SH is specific to cutting. Personally I'd consider what you do as self harm. Don't mean for that to sound insulting or anything, just pointing it out.
It's okay, I understand what you mean. I guess I just don't think it's as big a deal as cutting I suppose as you can't really see the damage. Well, not really. I don't know.

Good luck with the hospital btw

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When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.
I'm the exact same, but I tend to spin between phases of doing that and overeating to a huge extent. Been in a binging phase for quite a while now actually. It's tough to get out of doing it, isn't it? Especially when it's been like that for ages (I haven't had a normal eating pattern in about ten years tbh). If you ever need to vent about it, I'm here.
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27-02-2012, 21:11   #3596
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It's okay, I understand what you mean. I guess I just don't think it's as big a deal as cutting I suppose as you can't really see the damage. Well, not really. I don't know.

Good luck with the hospital btw



I'm the exact same, but I tend to spin between phases of doing that and overeating to a huge extent. Been in a binging phase for quite a while now actually. It's tough to get out of doing it, isn't it? Especially when it's been like that for ages (I haven't had a normal eating pattern in about ten years tbh). If you ever need to vent about it, I'm here.
You talking to anyone YTH?
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27-02-2012, 21:16   #3597
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You talking to anyone YTH?
Yeah I'm seeing a really great counsellor at the minute actually. She has helped so much with getting me to accept myself! I'm lucky to have found her.

How have you been cloud?
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27-02-2012, 21:26   #3598
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That sounds great, I'm really pleased for you hope it works out like. Good counsellors are hard to find and all that. I'm still here. I was in A&E last week, but there we are.
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27-02-2012, 21:37   #3599
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Thanks And you are still here, that's great. Doesn't matter how many times you end up in A&E as long as you come out of it eventually. That's what I was always told anyway when I used to end up there a lot.
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27-02-2012, 21:39   #3600
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I guess so Always get back up you know.
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