I've been reading this thread for a while, sometimes it helps to know that someone out there understands..even a bit.
I'm not doing too good right now.
I've been suffering from trauma related depression for the past few months; when I say trauma related I mean that's how it started.
It's ruined some of my friendships because I just keep cutting people off. I want to be on my own, yet when I'm alone I feel so so isolated..and all I want is for someone to hold me and understand. Everything is so confusing, my head is such a mess.
People I trusted have let me down, and people I never expected much from have surprised me. Some people just can't understand, or don't want to, and it's ok..I get it, but Jesus it hurts like hell. Especially when it's someone you love.
One night last week, I had a really bad night, and a friend I haven't seen in years happened to message me. I was that bad that I just needed someone, anyone, to understand - so I told him. 5mins later he had replied asking where I was and saying he was coming to get me. That meant the world to me. Yet, I haven't been able to talk to or see my best friend in months..because I can't face her. I can't tell her what happened because I'm not the person she knew anymore. I don't know who I am. And it terrifies me. She text me saying she was worried about me and was coming to see me whether I liked it or not, and I got so anxious at even the thought of it. I can't have her here for a whole weekend. She said she doesn't expect anything; but she doesn't understand that I just don't do anything. How hard it is to just function sometimes. I've always been the one who gets through things, I've always been the strong one - the one who helps people. But now, now I'm so so lost. I just don't know who I was, who I am, or who to be. I hate what happened and I hate myself for not being able to deal with it. I hate it!!!
I've put on weight, and I make myself sick to try to control it. I can't risk it going too far, I've worked too hard. I was overweight as a kid and I'm not going back to that. My psych says it's a coping mechanism and as long as I'm aware and keep it in check we can make sure it doesn't escalate. I'm not stupid, I know I'm not fat, but it doesn't stop me hating everything about myself.
The psych I'm going to now is expensive, he's dropped his rate for me but it's still hitting me hard financially. I went to a free 'counsellor' before him though and she was terrible, absolutely terrible. She nearly made me give up hope. This new guy though, he gives me hope, even if it's only an hour a week.
I get anxious quite alot, and kind of zone out alot. Not sure how to explain it but it's lilke I forget where I am and what I'm doing and I'm just brought back to memories of what I'm trying to get past, and everything just starts to feel dark. It's like forgetting even for half an hour makes the next hour even worse, because I let myself think maybe I'll be ok - and realising I'm still not is so, so hard.
Most of the time, I deal with it by not feeling anything. I don't get excited or happy, I just try to keep going. If I keep going I can function. It's when I stop, or something happens, that I fall back down. That happens alot lately. This past week has been really tough, I just can't seem to get back to neutral, I'm stuck.
Right now, I'm thinking about a million different things in my head that have happened or could happen, and the feeling of sheer despair and powerlessness is overwhelming. My heart is thumping and I feel like I can't breathe with the weight of it all. I hate these times. I hate them.
I know I won't do anything tomorrow. I'll stay here in this room and I'll cry.
I hate myself for it. I was never this person. I was never weak. I worked so hard to get to where I was in life, and everything I'd been through just made me stronger, til now. Why can't I deal with this?!! I thought I was more than this. I thought I was someone worth knowing. I thought I was someone worth..something.