E-Cow-Nomics

[cson]

Thought this was funny enough;

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
-------
ENRON CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
-------
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
-------
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
-------
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have 2 cows, News limited buys them for an inflated price.
They eat clover for months and produce nothing.
Rupert gets pissed at another one of his children.
-------
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.
-------
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk
themselves.
-------
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
-------
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
-------
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
-------
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
-------
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
-------
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman
who reported the numbers.
-------
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an
ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to
Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
-------
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows are set free.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when it drops dead.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


Anyone got a version for Ireland?

You have two cows. You buy the field they are grazing in for an excessive amount of money borrowed from German milk suppliers. You are surprised when the value of the land falls dramatically and leaves you in nnegative equity. You tax everyone elses cows to make up for your **** up.

[gerTheGreat]

move to humour?

[dolanbaker]

Let 'me loose on the Red cow roundabout! they might find the Llamas

[Long Onion]

The length of an AH post should be directly proportional to the attention span of the average poster - no-one will get past the traditional description. Some will claim to have - they are lying.

[mikom]

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: "I heard you're preggers"
Dolly replied "Yep, by artificial insemination..............It's true, no bull!"

[cson]

Originally Posted by Long Onion

The length of an AH post should be directly proportional to the attention span of the average poster - no-one will get past the traditional description. Some will claim to have - they are lying.

It is a bit long alright. Having studied accountancy I find the Enron one hilarious. Could be applied to Anglo tbh;

ANGLO IRISH BANK CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

[slipss]

IRISH DEMOCRACY/CAPATILISM: You have two cows but nowhere to graze them.
You contact your local politician and slip a bottle of milk to him under the table in exhange for having the future site of a childrens hospital re-zoned as agricultural land.
You begin to make a huge profit so invest in 10 more cows with the plan to sell them off at a future date and retire rich, due to the ever increasing price of cows which will never end.
You hold onto your cows for years and then realise there is now an overabundance of cows in the country and the price has crashed.
The bank reposesses your land and cows and then fails.
That local politician from the start, now the Taoiseach, bails out the bank and denies ever having met you in the media.
You move to Australia and buy two cows.

[ScumLord]

I liked it all.


IRISH DEMOCRACY/CAPATILISM: You have two cows, their your cows and you'll be damned if you'll let some foreign bastard near them. Your neighbour has 4 cows, you hate him and secretly poisoned one of the cows last night. You'd ratter let the cows burst than share your milk with anyone.

[My name is URL]

You have 2 swans, a polish man eats one, you post about it

[whycliff]

Originally Posted by gerTheGreat

move to humour?

Sorry, Due to the large number of applicants we are unalble to process your application for site moderator at this point.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

[vinylmesh]

You have two cows. I bang both of them. You now have a pregnant mother and sister to take care of.

[Wazdakka]

Originally Posted by vinylmesh

You have two cows. I bang both of them. You now have a pregnant mother and sister to take care of.

Jokes on you..
That was my dad in a wig and my sister has Aids.

[cson]

Microsoft Corp.
You have one old, tired cow. A recent heart transplant may have come too late to save the beast.

Google Inc.
You have no cows. You slap advertisements on everyone else’s cows. The milk floods in. You use the proceeds to reinvent the cow.

Apple Inc.
Nobody wants your cows. You design the cutest little milk bottle. Now, everybody wants your cows.

Goldman Sachs Group Inc.
You have 26,467 cows. They are strapped into the milking machines 24/7. Some of them have more hay than they could ever hope to eat. Others aspire to one day having more hay than they could ever hope to eat. The cows with the most hay end up with big government jobs.

[DigiGal]

E-COWEN-OMICS


You slip someone a brown envelope and hope the cows go away, if that fails you bail out the cows using poor peoples money and drive to work in your Mercdedes

You also have fanny lips

[cson]

Originally Posted by DigiGal

drive to work in your Mercdedes

Towing an Ifor Williams triple axle for heavy loads *cough* mary harney *cough* even?