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04-11-2009, 17:54   #1
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Good, Clean, Funny Jokes!

Well, I'll start a collection of jokes and add to them over time!

Feel free to add some of your own aswell.
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04-11-2009, 17:56   #2
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There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Last edited by Closed ac; 04-11-2009 at 18:01.
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04-11-2009, 17:58   #3
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Last edited by Closed ac; 04-11-2009 at 18:01.
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04-11-2009, 17:59   #4
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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

Last edited by Closed ac; 04-11-2009 at 18:02.
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04-11-2009, 18:01   #5
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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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04-11-2009, 18:04   #6
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?





A fsh!
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04-11-2009, 18:06   #7
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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04-11-2009, 18:09   #8
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did you hear about the homeless fisherman?

he got a plaice
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04-11-2009, 19:46   #9
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Good start, I liked the jokes
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05-11-2009, 12:33   #10
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How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line!

What kind of money do fishermen make? Net profits
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07-11-2009, 22:15   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKZ View Post
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Brilliant.
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08-12-2009, 19:14   #12
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he he he

Quote:
Originally Posted by DKZ View Post



Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
The funniest part of that joke was that martha had a sex change.
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09-12-2009, 10:50   #13
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err, they are 2 jokes.
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09-12-2009, 11:35   #14
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DAZ - cleanest joke ever !

Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right.

His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right.

Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right.

And to his suprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right.

Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose.

He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball.

Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball.

Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag.

Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was.

"It's Daz," said the little old lady.

"Daz!?" exclaimed Tiger.

"Yes, Daz," said the little old lady, "Apparently it stops colors from fading!"
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09-12-2009, 22:17   #15
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did you hear about the fight in the chipper??

two fish got battered
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