Looking for honest opinions on a story I am working on

[Grievous]

Hey All.

I am working on a short story at the moment, It could eventually develope into a full novel.

Just looking for somew honest constructive feedback. Even if you don't like it, Tell me why.

I am quite influenced by kurt vonnegut and jd salinger.

The idea is 100% mine and it could be about 15% autobiographical.

Thanks and Best wishes All.
[QUOTE]

The Boy in the Bubble
It is 1984, all the kids are hooked on the new TV shows transformers and mask, these benevolent autobots have funny names, the bad guys have even funnier names, the leader of the bad guys is the maniacal megatron, His name is quite slick though. They fight forever. The fight for good versus evil is a forever war. Megatron’s right hand man is named starstream, He is not a very nice decepticon, and he actually despises his leader megatron and hopes to usurp him someday. This is why the good guys will always win. Bad guys are always scheming and fighting amongst themselves. The good guys want to be better.

In 1984 I am living in a flat apartment block in Ballymun, These blocks are named after fallen rebel leaders. I am not old enough to watch any cartoons. Ballymun is a run down place, Unemployment and drug abuse are rampant, I don’t notice this then, I don’t notice anything, I hope my cot is comfy and snug.

It is 2002, I am doing my final exams in secondary school, The door is wide open so people can hear the match, the world cup is taken place, Ireland are doing well, I am the only one in the room who doesn’t’ care about the match, I don’t like football anymore. Too many people like football, the sameness is killing me, footballers are paid too much money, and we could eradicate poverty with their wages and then some. I don’t like footballers much either; they say the same things in their interviews after each match anyways. I do something crazy in the exams; I write a review for Spiderman 1 in one of the papers instead of answering the proper questions. It is not really a review. It is a rabid fan letter of approval. I write silly things like how awesome it was seeing Spiderman swinging through the concrete jungle that is New York City. I am not bothered by Spiderman’s organic webshooters. The one’s he used in the cartoon were kind of lame anyways.

It is 1998, I am falling over the banisters in secondary school, my heavy school bag is dragging me over, I knew getting a locker would have been better for me, I see lots of peoples faces as I go down, everything is a blur, my head hurts me but my back is saved by my school bag, the irony is not lost on anyone at the time, saved by the bag that dragged him over. Cute. My woodwork teacher is carrying me trough the hall, the hall is full of school kids, and it is lunchtime, why could this not have happened at any other time? I have one shoe on, my nose is full of blood, and this blood later hardens and bonds with my snots. Picking it out later is a chore; I think pieces of my nose are breaking off like the guy in that movie the fly. Everybody remembers me from that day; looking back it was quite funny. I still think somebody pushed me! I have no hard feelings. I had a great day at the hospital.

It is 1992, the snow is awesome, some guy on the block is making a huge snow ball, it is a wonder to behold, all the other kids are jealous, Kids make snow balls and put rocks in the middle so they can throw them at passing cars. I don’t see any of the snowballs hit cars. I wear 2 pairs of old socks on my hands for making snowballs; my hands are still cold and dirty. Everybody is happy in the snow; my mam comes home from my aunt’s house with some biscuits and sweets for us.

It is 1989 and my mother is giving me a bath, I have lots of cool toys in the bath, my favourite is soldiers, I love how they try to survive in the water with help from me, I put them on sponges and on the backs of my plastic rubber ducks, did all kids have the same rubber ducks? You know the yellow ones that came in different sizes and had a nice unforgettable smell that said made in china underneath? My mother scrubs my toes. This hurts me greatly, but they need to be cleaned. There are bits of paint flaking off the bathtub; it was a cool little curve of flailing paint. I used to pick it all the time.

The time bubble is 10 feet long, has transparent glass and has a single seat in the dead centre of the bubble. I don’t seem to need food or water inside the time bubble, I only suspect this is a time bubble because of the different era’s I am visiting, I don’t think I am moving through any tangible space at all, I have tried to reach out beyond the bubble to touch objects with no good results. Nobody can see me in the bubble. I am completely beyond the visible and physical spectrum. I have seen myself clearly in every time. I have tried to call to myself tons of times, I have tried to wave to get my own attention lots of times as well, No such luck so far. I will keep trying. Maybe something needs to change or happen. The time bubble is extremely comfortable, I seem to change my position almost instantly inside it, I don’t even have to think about it, it seems to happen naturally, unlike usually when I am uncomfortable I sit out the pain for at least ten minutes each time, and then change to a more comfortable position, This could be put down to laziness. I don’t really know what it is.
[/QUOTE]

[davyjose]

I really liked this. I could've kept reading. I think there are definite signs of promise with your writing.
It's not punctuated very well though; this would be the only criticism I would have.

[Grievous]

Thanks for the kind words davy.

I agree with you 100% on the punctuation point. I don't think my punctuation is generally bad, But I know when i write for fun-Blog-rant-opinion,short story-Novel ect ect that punctuation scares the crap out of me.

So what i do, In order to get ahead in my writing is to ignore the punctuation and worry about it later. This is definately a bad habit of mine which I need to work on. And What I mean about getting ahead in my writing is by writing as much as i can. I feel if I have an idea in my head i need to jolt it down straight away and just keep writing as much as i can, I feel that if i spend so much time correcting punctuation i would never get anything done. Anybody else ever have this problem?

Thanks again for any comments.

[reality]

I always let my punctuation hold me up! Many a time I've sat down to do some work and not actually produced anything new - I just toy around with the punctuation and word arrangement of what I've already done! Actually I love doing that, it's like verbal play-dough!
As for your piece, I liked the content but don't neglect simple punctuation - sure leave the fancy well-thought stuff until later, but the amount of work that'd be needed to correct an entire novel written as carelessly as the piece above would be heart-breaking!! On the whole though, I think you've got a good story on your hands - just be careful with how you tell it!!

[Grievous]

Would an editor refuse any entry because of punctuation? I ask this because I am have no idea how a publisher is run,or the thought process that goes into reviewing somebody's work.

Here is more:

Thanks again for your time and comments.

It is 1989 and my mother is giving me a bath, I have lots of cool toys in the bath, my favourite is toy soldiers, The simple little green ones that are made in giant moulds, the ones that never move and they always look stiff and they are always in firing squad positions, The perfect soldiers. Dutiful and loyal like statues. Many of these soldiers would end up broken or limbless from playing with them, natural wear I say, Sometimes I buried them in the garden But other times I gave them a different sending off, one a bit more fiery and hellish than they deserved, I put them in the fire, right in-between the hot coals in the fire, Nobody had radiators yet. I could only put them into the fire when nobody was looking, the plastic always burned brighter and the flame higher than anything else, the redness in-between the coals was glorious to look at, when the broken retired soldiers hit the red hotness they would change state in front of my eyes and this would fascinate me, the heat would bend and shape them into tiny little pools of liquefied plastic.

These soldiers were inanimate objects so I don’t believe they felt any pain, they were now on their way to becoming something new and unique, They could be used as little hills for the other soldiers to hide behind so there was always a new and useful use for the melted soldiers, lets call them the melted marines of hellfire. Even in melted form they gave help and cover for their brothers in arms, as I was saying-always loyal and dutiful. Even in death. In the bathtub though I used to love how they try to survive in the water with some help from me, I put them on sponges and on the backs of my plastic rubber ducks, did all kids have the same rubber ducks? You know the yellow ones that came in different sizes and had a nice unforgettable smell that said made in china underneath? Under my legs and feet I would hide the soldiers, my legs acted as underwater recon bases. We could jail captured enemies here too. Me and my brother had a game called the jail-game, I created it, it was quite simple, try and capture each other’s soldiers and figures and jail them in our self made jails, under our beds or in shoe boxes. When you captured your enemies, you never killed them, they became part your army, and the bigger the army, the more power you had.

My mother scrubs my toes. This hurts me greatly, but they need to be cleaned. There are bits of paint flaking off the bathtub; it was a cool little curve of flailing paint. I used to pick it all the time. I hate when my fingers wrinkle in the water, this means it is time to get out; the cold chill that hits my body every time I get out of the water is uncomfortable and annoying. A big fluffy aged towel soon dispels the cold and the drying kicks in, aged towels have plenty of character but are rough as sandpaper. Its fascination how the peoples skin can wear away the fabric of a towel like this. How hard is our skin? Is it the alkaline in the water? Is it hard water or soft water? You know the feeling of an old towel, maybe they material isn’t as durable as our skin.

The time bubble is 10 feet long, has transparent glass and has a single seat in the dead centre of the bubble. I don’t seem to need food or water inside the time bubble, I only suspect this is a time bubble because of the different era’s I am visiting, I don’t think I am moving through any tangible space at all, I have tried to reach out beyond the bubble to touch objects with no good results. Nobody can see me in the bubble. I am completely beyond the visible and physical spectrum. I have seen myself clearly in every time. I have tried to call to myself tons of times, I have tried to wave to get my own attention lots of times as well, No such luck so far. I will keep trying. Maybe something needs to change or happen. The time bubble is extremely comfortable, I seem to change my position almost instantly inside it, I don’t even have to think about it, it seems to happen naturally, unlike usually when I am uncomfortable I sit out the pain for at least ten minutes each time, and then change to a more comfortable position, This could be put down to laziness. I don’t really know what it is. I can see all around me, not a surprise, what sort of bubble is one sided? I can look out through the ceiling, I can look out through the floor, all around me in every direction but I can’t steer the bubble yet. Something needs to change or happen. I need to change something, to control this non-linear bubble and go to the all the times and era’s I would love to see. It would be a joy to go back further than 1984. 1984 seems to be my terminus, my birthday, In 1984 George Orwell’s dystopia still hasn’t come to be, or has it? And we don’t know any different? After all, big brother is rightwrong, goodbad and smartdumb!


The Bubble warps into each timeline effortlessly; I don’t even feel as much as a jerk inside the hub, that’s what I have named my point of view. My coveted VIP seat to view the time stream, I think river or ocean might be a better name for all of time, Why could it not be called the time mountain or time road? Mountains and roads are overly tangible and suggest that they can’t be penetrated so easily. They are set in solid stone, and to pierce these hard surfaces successfully the results would be disastrous. They would fall apart and spill over everywhere and the pieces would be scattered to the winds and never recovered. The Lost and lonely would never be found in the same state of peacefulness again. Rivers and oceans are constantly flowing and most people are aware of this perpetual state of change within any river and ocean, You don’t have to be a modern day siddartha to understand the constant change in the ocean, The tide is always turning, the river is always flowing, the river is always changing. The banks are always growing wider, making way for more water to flow on to its new journey. The bubble enters into each year and month seamlessly, is it the design of the bubble or the design of time? Am I also traversing space too?

[Grievous]

Some more.

It is 1993 and something is wrong, I am no longer viewing parts of my life, I am in a different place and I think I know where it is now,
I am in England, in a place called Liverpool and I have a job to do. It is all coming back to me now, the forgotten memory in my head; I need to do something about it, is this why the bubble has brought me here? If I can’t get out of the bubble what’s the point?

In 1993 a terrible event occurred. The murder of James bugler, this event shocked the world and everybody was disgusted. Parent were outraged and rightfully so, people never took their eyes off their children again. The story as it goes, Two younger boys were playing truant from school kidnapped the younger boy who was lost in a shopping centre, he had left his mothers side for 5 minutes and in that 5 minutes he encountered these two boys who were hanging out in the shopping mall with bad intentions in their minds, they had been robbing and hanging about the centre all day and the worst of all they had tried to nab another kid earlier on in that very day. They were later seen on the shopping mall security camera’s walking the young boy out of the centre.

They walked the boy around for part of the day and bullied him to come along with them, over 30 people had seen these two kids hitting the boy on that day and never thought much about it at the time, in interviews afterwards, these witnesses would later be shocked and disappointed with themselves as they admitted to not understanding fully at the time what was going on? One witness actually stopped the boys and asked if everything was okay with James and who was he? The boys said they knew him and were taken him home, they said of his bruises and cuts that he had fell and they were taken him home to his mother, perfect sinister lies. They continued on their way and they done cruel things to the boy and the ended that cruel day by killing the poor little boy.

The boys would later put the boys on the train tracks, so the first oncoming train would destroy the evidence and nobody would ever find out, the police found one half of the body in one place and the other half of the body some distance away. The train had torn the boys dead body apart. Why do these things happen? Who allows these things to happen?

I pray the boy fell gently and quickly into heaven, I know that gods arms are opened wide and I know he catches this befallen angel in his perfect embrace, he is in a nice place now where nobody can harm him anymore, I hope he has all the best friends and I hope he meets all the best people in god’s kingdom, I hope john Lennon plays some beautiful music for the boy everyday, I hope heaven’s funniest jesters are making him laugh every day and I hope heaven’s best authors like Charles dickens and Road Dahl are reading the greatest stories in the universe to him every day.


I am at the train station and I jump out of the bubble, how can I do this so easily? What changed? What did I actually do to suddenly find a way out of the bubble? I fall right through the membrane of the bubble wall land on the ground, I see two boys leading another smaller boy along the tracks, this boy is James, I sprint silently towards all 3 boys and approach them calmly, I begin to speak;

“Hello young lads, is everything all right? How are you all today?
The youngest boy James doesn’t look happy or safe. They kids don’t respond, “What happened to his face”? I ask politely. There is still no answer from any of them. I am vexed, the boys continue walking along the old train tracks with the boy in tow.
I think to myself, I have seen enough. Time to make a difference.
“Kids listen to me for second” I am a member of the police, yes, I am a policeman and we are looking for some bad men at the moment in this area and we know he is hiding in this place, I need to get you kids away from this area straight away and we need to leave now, The boys don’t look happy, my words are powerful and full of authority, I play my part well. I am towering above this would be killer and this innocent soul of a boy in front of me, I say follow me. They continue

[elleA]

You asked for honest opinions on this so that is what I am going to give you.

Firstly, I think the idea has potential but you have to be very careful with it. Mentioning the James Bulger case is a very bad idea in my opinion especially if your last paragraph is leading where I think it is, with you intervening and saving the little boy from his death. Using a real-life murder in a fictional novel and then changing the outcome of it for the sake of your book is hugely insensitive. Can you imagine how the mother of James Bulger would feel reading a book that talks about the day her child was murdered but where he ends up being saved instead? That didn't happen and it would be cruel to write. You can't re-write history. Now I am not in any way suggesting you are trying to be insensitive here but you just can't use real-life examples like that in a fictional book.

Excluding the James Bulger section, I think there is potential in the concept although travelling back in time is by no means a new or unique concept. I really liked some of the more personal feeling memories in the piece but I have to admit that I found them a little hard to connect to. Maybe that's just me, but when I'm reading a story the most important thing to me is if the writer can draw me into the world he is creating or the setting he is painting. That just didn't happen for me as I was reading this. I find your descriptions a little too matter of fact. This might be what you were aiming for though or it might just be your style. I'd be really interested in hearing other people's opinions on that because it could just be a personal preference of mine.

I hope you get plenty more comments on this piece.

[Grievous]

Thanks elle. This is what i want. complete honest opinions and I am loving the feedback.

Here's a fact about my story.

James Bulger does not got saved

Here is the pitch.

A man who dies comfortably in the hospital calls out to the universe to save a kid who was gruesomely murdered years ago (1993 lets say) just before he dies. The universe puts the man in a time bubble, where he visits random years and months of his life, these years are all happy times and mostly ordinary, everyday life. There is one year, which was repressed in his mind for so long, that of the kid who was by two other kids in England years ago. When he finally remembers this event he suddenly gains control of the bubble and heads to that timeline and tries to change the soon to be murdered kids destiny. The universe (Leader of the time river) summons the narrator and the bubble to the mouth of time. Where him and his masters explain the problems with changing the boy’s future, even if the act is pure and noble. Our story will end with our narrator dealing with the problem and accepting the event and dies peacefully and hopefully meets up with the kid in heaven and shares his toys with him so there is some semblance of happiness and satisfaction with the ending. Hopefully.

[Grievous]

Some more.

Story plot-structure-moral-themes.

1. Semi-autobiographical

2. A Non linear chronological tale

3. This story is about Ordinary and sometimes extraordinary people and situations. I like that in James Joyce’s Dubliners collection many of the short stories don’t really have anything awesome or Hollywood and glamorous about them, they are just told from the perspective of normal people at that time. As it were, or was for them. Not every story had to had a shock ending or twist in the tale. With this I feel sometimes people want to read something grounded in reality and something relatable.

4. Other major themes would be innocence, coming of age and nostalgia.

5. I am not sure if I want a surprise ending yet. Unless I believe I have the skill to pull it off without it seeming too forced and plot driven.

6. Time –I am fascinated with time, time travel especially. And I don’t even wear a watch!

7. Plot + additional hooks: 1) trying to find out how our main character has ended up in a time bubble, 2) the origin of the time bubble, 3) what has our main character to do to take control of the time bubble? Can he change anything in the past and does he want to? If he knows it can greatly affect the future? 4) The fate of our lead character. All these questions should be answered through course of the story, Told in the style of an autobiography of the narrator.

3 chapters. Each chapter will be around 2 Thousand or so words each. I will Start with chapter 3 and finish with chapter 1 to add to the non-chronological style of the story.

Chapter 3—Answers nothing, this is mainly the start and gives some insight into the narrator and his life in different years.
Chapter 2- Answers how he has ended up in a time bubble, and the origin of the time bubble. And he finds his way out of the bubble and heads to a timeline where he tries to change a tragic event. The ramifications of this change will be resolved in the third and final chapter, which is actually called chapter 1.
Chapter 1- Answers the fate of our narrator and can he change the past or future?

So basically, The Plot summary for me the writer of the story is this.

A man who dies comfortably in the hospital calls out to the universe to save a kid who was gruesomely murdered years ago (1993 lets say) just before he dies. The universe puts the man in a time bubble, where he visits random years and months of his life, these years are all happy times and mostly ordinary, everyday life. There is one year, which was repressed in his mind for so long, that of the kid who was by two other kids in England years ago. When he finally remembers this event he suddenly gains control of the bubble and heads to that timeline and tries to change the soon to be murdered kids destiny. The universe (Leader of the time river) summons the narrator and the bubble to the mouth of time. Where him and his masters explain the problems with changing the boy’s future, even if the act is pure and noble. Our story will end with our narrator dealing with the problem and accepting the event and dies peacefully and hopefully meets up with the kid in heaven and shares his toys with him so there is some semblance of happiness and satisfaction with the ending. Hopefully.

James bugler—anagramise the name to:

[Grievous]

Originally Posted by elleA

I think there is potential in the concept although travelling back in time is by no means a new or unique concept. I really liked some of the more personal feeling memories in the piece but I have to admit that I found them a little hard to connect to. Maybe that's just me, but when I'm reading a story the most important thing to me is if the writer can draw me into the world he is creating or the setting he is painting. That just didn't happen for me as I was reading this. I find your descriptions a little too matter of fact. This might be what you were aiming for though or it might just be your style. I'd be really interested in hearing other people's opinions on that because it could just be a personal preference of mine.

I hope you get plenty more comments on this piece.

Thanks for the compliments above, Some of these personal feelings are draw from life, my life, while some are purely fiction, When you say some of them are too matter of fact? what example would you point out?

[bakkiesbotha]

Why does the old man call out to the universe to save a kid who was gruesomely murdered years ago just before he dies?

Is this a recognised procedure that the old man is aware of?

[Grievous]

Originally Posted by bakkiesbotha

Why does the old man call out to the universe to save a kid who was gruesomely murdered years ago just before he dies?

Is this a recognised procedure that the old man is aware of?

So far, Let's call him a man, An old man? I don't think so yet, I am thinking somebody in their 30's. I have not explained the reason he is dying yet.

The Name of the short story=The Boy in the bubble. This works well i think with the narrator, As he remembers fondly most of his earliers memories.

This event(Murder) is something that deeply effected him, This is mentioned in the above excerp, though not expanded on yet. This is an event he dreams of changing and something that knocked him down and touched him deeply as a child, when he was just a little older than the deceased.

The universe could be percieved as GOD or some form of spiritual guidance. Again, The story is fluid and we don't really know for sure what is going on, Do the boys hear him when he talks to them? No!.

[bakkiesbotha]

So the man is the victim's older brother, and feels guilt that he allowed him to be murdered. He is dying because he tried to do something to expiate his guilt,and this results in his own death. Then a supernatural force teaches him a lesson about destiny, just before he dies.

Is that the idea?

[davyjose]

Grievous, I like your style a lot, and I think you have talent. I also like your idea. My typical preference would be less fantasy-based than what you're going for, but I think you can pull this off, I have one doubt, however:

Please DO NOT make referance, or allusion, to the jamie Bulger case. It's not just that it's insensitive (and it is kinda), but it actually cheapens your story - let me explain: You are a writer which means you have the ability, and the opportunity, to create anything. By touching off something that is based in reality, you are denying yourself this, you are taking a lazy option by manipulating something thast has already happened, because it is based in the assumption that the reader has a prior knowledge of what you have written, which means you don't have to put as much effort in to create the tragedy (the irony being that you DID create the tragedy very effectively in your writing). Many, many great writers have written about tragedies - and other events - that have happened, but almost always, they mask it with a character of their own. This works better IMO.

I can guarantee you'd have gotten a much more positive response had you named the kid: James <insert surname here> instead. You can write, and I presume you feel strongly about that incident, but a writer can only operate with a certain amount of cold detachment. That's why I personally delete everything I write when Drunk, and/or listening to music, LOL . It brings to much of ME out of me.

I hope you see what I mean here. Best of Luck,

Dave

[Grievous]

Originally Posted by bakkiesbotha

So the man is the victim's older brother, and feels guilt that he allowed him to be murdered. He is dying because he tried to do something to expiate his guilt,and this results in his own death. Then a supernatural force teaches him a lesson about destiny, just before he dies.

Is that the idea?

Heh, No, it is not the victims older brother. I am not going for anything twilight zone like. The narrator is not really important, As in he is related to none of the victims.