My feeble attempt to clear up the reason why He screamed on the cross.
Anyway some of the following are in relation to religion so I've decided, feck it I'll post them all up. Enjoy
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..
11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism 's.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
A man is walking along a cliff one day when suddenly he slips and falls off, as he falls he grabs hold of a branch sticking out of the cliff face. He hangs there for little while shocked and in great distress. He screams up to the sky: "If there is anyone up there that can deliver me from this awful situation, please please I beg you help me" Just then he hears a voice come out of the blue: "This is God, if you want me to help you then you must let go of the branch" After the initial surprise at hearing the strange voice the man shouts up to the sky again: "Is there anyone else up there who can help me???"
Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms
1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
5. *There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings
6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day." God.
7. *God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
9. He's Dead.
It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already!
10. *All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.
11. Viva La Evolución!
12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
15. *People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.
17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
20. *God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!
23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.
24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing
25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
26. *Science: It Works, Bitches.
27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
28. I Found God Between The Sheets
29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
32. *If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
34. *ALL Americans Are African Americans
35. *I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
38. *If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
39. *JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
40. *How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?
41. *Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
47. *Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.
50. No Gods. No Mullets.
I found the following piece in an account of the conflicting resurrection stories in the New Testament by Richard Carrier, he tries to give a modern day comparison to the supposed eye witness accounts for Jesus being raised from the dead and I found it pretty damn funny:
A police officer arrives at the scene of a bank robbery and finds an empty vault, and four employees, Mary, Mindy, Sandy, and Martha. He separates them and asks each privately what happened. Mary says they all went to get some money and found the vault empty, but there was a man inside in a white suit who said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" and then they all ran to call the police. Mindy, however, says they actually went inside the vault and found it empty and they were all perplexed by that, when suddenly two men in white suits appeared inside the vault with them, seemingly out of nowhere, and said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" and then they all ran to call the police. The police officer thinks there is certainly some confusion here, but the stories at least agree in outline.
So he goes next to Sandy. She says she alone went inside and found the vault empty and was perplexed by that, so she went and told some male colleagues, and they both returned with her and confirmed the vault was empty and they were perplexed by that, and while the men left to call the police, Sandy stood outside. Then she looked in and saw two men in clown suits inside who asked her "What did you expect!?" and, startled by that, Sandy spun around and then saw some stranger behind her, whom she assumed was the janitor. So she asked this "janitor" where the money was and he said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" This story does not jibe with the others at all, so he knows by now that he's not getting the whole truth.
Exasperated by all these conflicting stories, the officer then asks the fourth witness, Martha. She says they all went to the vault, but then a robot with a jet pack descended from the sky, paralyzed two United States marines who were guarding the vault, then single-handedly pulled open the vault, revealing that it was already empty, and then this flying robot sat on top of the vault door and said to all of them, "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!"
Now be honest. Whose story would you consider true? Would you really try to invent some wild hypothesis to reconcile all four stories? Or would you just arrive at the obvious conclusion that Martha is full of sh*t?
By the way:
Mary = The Gospel of Mark
Mindy = The Gospel of Luke
Sandy = The Gospel of John
Martha = The Gospel of Matthew
A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The guy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
I'm sitting in a lounge at JFK reading Christopher Hitchens' review of Memoirs of an Anti-Semite by Gregor von Rezzori in The Atlantic magazine.
Not often I appreciate Hitchens, but he shares the following joke:
A sour old joke from prewar Germany has two elderly Jews sitting in a Berlin park, with one of them reading a Yiddish paper and the other one scanning the pages of Der Stürmer. The latter Jew is laughing. This proves too much for the former Jew, who says: 'It’s not enough you read that Nazi rag, but you find it funny?' 'Look,' replies the other. 'If I read your paper, what do I see? Jews deported, Jews assaulted, Jews insulted, Jewish property confiscated. But I read Der Stürmer, and there’s finally some good news. It seems that we Jews own and control the whole world!'"
Jesus light switch
I thought this was kinda funny...