[smurph]

Hi,
First post in this Forum so I am a little bit nervous. Im 39 years of age and come from a family where all three of us were adopted. From a very young age we knew we were adopted.At the age of 23 I decided to start searching for my natural mother. I was adopted through an agency in United Kingdom so I thought that it would be easy. Unfortunately like alot of things in life, its never as easy as you first think.

Altough I was adopted from London, it was through an Irish Adoption agenccy so I was covered by Irish Adoption Laws. I was taken into a room in South Anne Street, and the lady told me that My mother was 5Ft 1, her first name was mary, I was 711bs when I was born, and that was all the information she could give me. I was devestated, and after nearly a year of investigation and basically harrasing the people in the agency in London, I found my mothers name. I wrote to her, and after a very tentative few months we started writing regularly.

She was from Northern Ireland, and moved over to London. She had a 3year old son when I was born and he was an albino and was sick in hospital quite a bit. She was 27 when she gave me up for adoption. She had a son 3 years after she gave me up for adoption.

I met her just the once, although we regularly wrote to eachother.

I never told my Mam that I had found my natural mother because I new that it would upset her so much, she would feel that she had done something wrong. It is hard to explain it but it was just something that I had to do.

Anyway my natural mother passed away in 1998. I found out afterwards that she had not told her 2 sons about me, they found out abut me after the funeral. I met them once or twice but I got a strong feeling from them that they thought I was after money or something. None of this was true, and I was terriby upset.

Although I was delighted that I met my mam, I am still left with more questions than answers,

Why did she not tell her sons about me.
Was she ashamed of me.
I never found out anything about my father.

These are things that I will just have to work through.

[holly_johnson]

Thanks for posting and welcome.

What a hard time you have had. I think in one way or another all of us adoptees have had a hard time. The journey is never a smooth one, but I still believe it is rewarding.
You have lots of unanswered questions but you did find out who your birth mother was, and I think that is probably the most important one. I'm sorry that she passed away before you could get to know her properly.
As for your two half-brothers, it's hard for her two sons to reconcile their mum with someone who could keep something so important from them I bet. The sad thing about all of this is the amount of secrets people keep. I am in the same boat too.
Keep your chin up, and don't give up contact with your half-brothers if you want to keep going!

[MaryMagdalene]

Hi all, I'm a birth mother!

22 years ago I gave my daughter up for adoption. It was a dreadful shame in 1985 so I can only imagine what older birth mothers went through.

Contact or not - I think I want to but am afraid. What if she rejects me? What if she doesn't? What will she expect? What will I tell people? How do I introduce her? What do I say about her father? Will she expect me to speak to him? How will it affect me and my husband and our life? How will it affect her half sister? I spent so much time in thepary over the years trying to forget, do I want to remember again? So many fears.... it's not easy whichever side of the Triangle you are resting against.

[The_Conductor]

Hi Mary,

Its great that you are considering things- I am sure that your daughter would be thrilled to hear from you.

A good first step would be to contact the Adoption Authority and organise to fill out the Adoption Contact Preference Register- if your daughter has contacted them or does at some future point she will automatically be matched with you (and you can decide in advance what level of contact you would like initially).

From speaking to my own birthmum I can well imagine what it was like being a single mother all those years ago and what it would have entailed. You can decide how to tell your daughter and what to tell her when the time is right. While I cannot tell whether your daughter will reject you, it is quite possible that she will be thrilled to know that you have never forgotten about her and are ready to welcome her to be a part of your life again. You don't have to tell anyone anything- if and when you do decide to talk to people, it will be a very personal thing that you will doubtless decide how to manage at that time.

Doubtless your daughter will have questions regarding her father and will probably appreciate any information you may be able to give her, but I doubt that she would expect you to have contact with him yourself.

There really is no way that anyone can guess how this may affect your husband and your other daughter- hopefully your husband will be a strong pillar of support to you and help you. Hopefully he will be willing to accept your elder daughter into the family. Your younger daughter may be thrilled to discover a sibling she never knew she had- or alternatively she may not be too happy to find that she is no longer the eldest child and possibly fear that her position in the family is somehow being usurped? There really is no way of telling.

These are all bridges that you will have no idea what is on the other side until you actually cross them.

While I am adopted myself, I can relate to years of trying to forget and hide things- though I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you. The biggest fear of all however, is fear of the unknown.

I wish you strength in whatever you decide to do.

Best wishes,

Shane

Originally Posted by MaryMagdalene

Hi all, I'm a birth mother!

22 years ago I gave my daughter up for adoption. It was a dreadful shame in 1985 so I can only imagine what older birth mothers went through.

Contact or not - I think I want to but am afraid. What if she rejects me? What if she doesn't? What will she expect? What will I tell people? How do I introduce her? What do I say about her father? Will she expect me to speak to him? How will it affect me and my husband and our life? How will it affect her half sister? I spent so much time in thepary over the years trying to forget, do I want to remember again? So many fears.... it's not easy whichever side of the Triangle you are resting against.

[DJ_Spider]

Hi al, I know it's late, (or early!?) But I have been thinking about this for a long time. I was adopted at the age of 6 weeks. I am now 41 and used to live in the UK. I had an extemely loving family and was always given the best they could manage. The prime reason for this was that when my adoptive mother went to pick me up from the adoption agency, my bith mother said 'you will look after him and love him wont you?' My mother made a promise to her and kept it.

Now I am going to waffle a bit but just feel I need to discuss this. I know a lot about my natural mother, she was 19, a trainee nurse at Colchester hospital in Essex, she was engaged to a guy who was a operator on the switchboard. When she told him they were expecting a child he left her. She came from a very posh family and her mother was in the bridge club, WI, ladies circle etc, but she was an embarresment. She told her to get out until 'she got rid of it'

I know what I would have been called if she had kept me and it was kept by my adoptive parents as my middle name. I also know what my surname would have been. Thornton, now here's something that has always got my thinking. I LOVE chocolate, I can't get enough of it! Maybe if I hadn't been adopted, when I was 21 my mother would have said, 'You are now the Chairman of Thornton's chocolates' I would have replied 'OK, just going to do some quality control!' Ah well I can dream eh?

I believe that as she was a nurse and taught to save life not take it she couldn't 'get rid' of me. It must have been hell not having any support from her family and going through pregnancy on her own. Then to go through labour and have her child taken away must have been gut wrenching.

Her father tried to stand by her but got earache from her mother. He was a public relations officer and had his own company. I think that's why I like showing off! A few years ago think I managed to trace my birth mother on friends reunited but as I wasn't a member I couldn't contact her.

Just before I left the UK I was living in a homeless hostel, (please don't judge me) One criteria for staying there was that you had to avail of councelling as most people were there who were alcoholics, drug users, petty criminals etc. Now I have NONE of those and am pretty respectable. (I know self praise is no praise!) But I discussed it with my keyworker and she said visit the local social services. I did this and poured my heart out to a social worker. And yes I even shed a few tears. (funny how I feel comfortable telling absolute strangers this!?)

When I came to live here, I contacted the social services back in the UK and told them what had happened. They gave me details of Banardos who would give me councelling before I was allowed to trace my birthmother. I have had enough bloody councelling to last me a lifetime, maybe because I am still a UK citizen I am covered by UK laws, but I wish I didn't have to go and tell someone everything that I have told numerous councellors already.

So after all this what i would like to say is this, is there any way i can bypass the drackonion laws of the UK, (which I believed had been changed to make it easier for people to contact adoptive relatives?) and just find any records of my adoption?

I know that my birthmother went into a home for unmarried mothers in Essex, and when I first started using the web I managed to contact them and although it's a private house now, they still have all the records and allow people to visit. But I lost all the details.

I would like to visit it sometime, but my new partner, (who supports me with all her heart and understands - god I love her!) is not keen on flying! But maybe we should save up and do it so I can 'lay some ghosts' as they say. So even if I never find my birthmother I can at least get some closure.

I sometimes get thinking maybe it's better I don't find her, she has probably remarried, got a family and I hope is happy. Also when I was a bit of a rebel and got in with the wrong crowd, I was on probabtion. I discussed this with my probation officer and she said something that has always stalled me in finding her. 'If you met her, what 3 questions would you ask?' She said. Well I wouldn't ask anything, i would just say 'thankyou' That's all that needs to be said. Oh and can I have my backdated allowence? LOL Sorry fighting tears her don't want my partner asking me why!

Thankyou for reading my longwinded post and I wish all of you the best in finding what you are looking for.

Spider
AKA Paul

[grungefreak]

Hi I'm 33 and was adopted at 1 and a half yrs old. I sent a form into the Contact preference register 2 yrs ago and heard nothing since. I have kids now and just want to know my medical history, am I entitled to this information by law?

Can anyone advise please?

Grungefreak

[The_Conductor]

Originally Posted by grungefreak

Hi I'm 33 and was adopted at 1 and a half yrs old. I sent a form into the Contact preference register 2 yrs ago and heard nothing since. I have kids now and just want to know my medical history, am I entitled to this information by law?

Can anyone advise please?

Grungefreak

Hi Grungefreak- unfortunately you're not entitled to anything by law, which is frustrating as hell...... In general, if you contact the Adoption Authority they should be in a position to tell you which of the adoption agencies organised your adoption. If you then contact the original adoption agency- they should be in a position to release "non-identifying information" to you- which would include any medical information they might have on file, along with details on your birthmum (what part of the country she was from, whether she had brothers and sisters, her age when she had you, and other little bits of information that might be of interest to you- without identifying her.

Best of good luck to you! Shane

[MaryMagdalene]

Hi Grungdfreak,

On www.adoptionireland.ie there is also a contact register you can sign up to.

As Shane said, your Mother lmight have left you some info on file re. your medical history. I did for my daughter. Good luck in your quest.

MM

[twinkle99]

Just came across this thread not sure if anyone still out there but the stories are fascniating.
I am also adopted and I started the whole search and reunion process in 1999 -- I had no idea how hard it would be and how long it would take but to anyone that is starting this process please don't give up if you want any specific tips or info feel free to contact me directly.

For me the whole process was mental as my birth mother and father got married and had 3 kids -- this meant I had a whole blood related family out there (yikes) I've met all of them relations are difficult but I never expected an Oprah style reunion and wasn't looking for it either -- the main thing I think you get from this process is just working out who you are (I know I sound like a therapist) but seriously it is important -- even down the basics of finding someone that looks like you can be important.
I'm lucky because I'm from a brilliant adopted family there are 4 of us and we are all adopted my brother and sister are mixed race so dinner in our house is a bit like a UN convention!

usefull links are already provided in other threads, but if you want some reading material to help see you through its worth researching some on amazon. I found Primal Wound really helpfull can't remember the author.

Talk soon.

[twinkle99]

Hi Grungefreak

I know you've sent off your info to the contact centre thing (that wasn't around when I started) but there are some loopholes you can avail of to find some info.
I went to the births deaths and marriages place on Pearse Street and got my own real birth cert!

Official line from the boardroom gits in the adoption board is that adopted people do not have the right to obtain their own birth certs.
However you can go into the birth cert office with your date of birth and place of birth if you have it tell them your trying to trace family members or your a tourist or something -- they'll give you a load of old books with birth entries and just look for all the father unkown ones with your date of birth.
I did it and it and found mine -- the staff were lovely they copped on that I was adopted but said nothing. What freaked me out though was that I had a whole other name! -- but it felt good to be able to see my birth entry, my mothers name etc.

HOwever I would not advise that you take it any further than that like don't go tracking her down by yourself or anything you really need the help of professionals during the whole process.

If you don't know what adoption agency you came from the Adoption Board of Ireland will have to have some record of this -- you can then call your agency and ask for an appointment with a social worker.
Best of luck with it and I really hope it works for you.
I started out like you just looking for medical history and a bit of info but it all sort of spiralled from there but I'm glad I did it.

[x_manxie_x]

erm not sure what to write really cos i'm new to this lol
i'm adopted and have had a great interest in my birth parents and background ever since i can remember, i'm 17 so i know i can't access anything yet...although i already have a lot of information on both my birth parents and my life with them before i was adopted including their full names and my birth name.
my adopted mum always changes the subject when i bring it up although she says she is not hurt by it...some people who know about my adoption have said it would be selfish to search for my birth parents but i can't ignore the interest i have to find them. i'm not sure if i do want face to face contact but maybe one meeting would be nice just to see who they are.
is there any way i could find out if they are both alive still or do i have to wait till i search for them?? my birth mum was adopted also and she never wanted to trace her birth parents, so i'm told, so she might want me to do the same but i dunno
i don't need to access my birth cert or anything because i know what my name was etc. so i'm not sure what the next step is really...it was never talked about with my adopted mum even though i've tried

does anyone have any advice to what i should do to trace them when i'm a bit older?? i'm a bit lost lol

thanks bit of a long passage there lol

[holly_johnson]

Hi there and welcome.

Deciding whether to trace or not is a decision entirely for you and no-one should influence you either way. For someone to say it's a selfish thing to do, that's just wrong and hurtful.
I can understand your Mum being upset about it, my Mum vas very upset, she thought I was going to leave her when i found my "real" mum, which of course was never the case.

In terms of tracing, there are several methods you can use. Have a look at this thread for some useful links:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showt...p?t=2055042732

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

[x_manxie_x]

thanks for the advice...yeah it was a bit hurtful when they said it was selfish because they aren't adopted so i don't see how they know what it's like

just got to wait till i'm 18 now to start searching

[lilyrose]

hi
im 22 n adopted i have been thinking recently about trying tocontactmy birth mother but is it bad for metoexpect herto makethe first moves?

[The_Conductor]

Originally Posted by lilyrose

hi
im 22 n adopted i have been thinking recently about trying tocontactmy birth mother but is it bad for metoexpect herto makethe first moves?

Hi Lilyrose- to be quite honest, its not a good idea to expect anything. Its entirely possible that your birthmum may make the first move- but its equally as possible that she may be terrified of trying to contact you- there simply is no way to tell. A very good first step is to contact the agency who originally organised your adoption and request non-identifying information from them. This will give you a brief introduction to your birthmum and perhaps give you some vague information about her extended family. The adoption authority also have a contact preference register where you can tell them that you are interested in your birthmum and if she is interested in contact too- what level of contact you are interested in (if she contacts them then- they will make a match and introduce you to each other). Details of that are here.

Finally- it is entirely possible to start a search for your birthmum of your own accord. Details of how to go about that are here. (Note: this is a microsoft word document)


The very best of good luck to you whatever you decide to do. Feel free to post here with any questions you may have- or for any advice or guidance that any of us may be able to offer.

Kind regards,

Shane