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23-08-2003, 17:20   #61
The Beer Baron
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Hands up who got these jokes from the Zig&Zag joke books. C'mon...admit it.

(Why did the lobster blush- because the sea weed- deary me)
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26-08-2003, 17:28   #62
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Zig & Zag books rule!!

Why does Zuppy have a flat nose?? From chasing parked cars!!!
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31-08-2003, 00:54   #63
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whats red and invisible?

no tomatoes.
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31-08-2003, 17:15   #64
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what do you call a man with no hair?

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02-09-2003, 22:10   #65
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Why do they call them Wonderbras? Because when you take it off you wonder where your tits went.
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03-09-2003, 17:24   #66
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Three baby seals walked into a club....
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08-09-2003, 17:17   #67
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hmmm can't think of any good one-liners.....but here's a few anyway

I used to be conceited but now i'm just perfect!

bad spellers of the world unitgt!

autopsy is a dying trend
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08-09-2003, 17:43   #68
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Narrow minded ?

she can look through a keyhole with both eyes..

Pretensious ! Moi ?

What is the differance betwee mash potatoes and peanuts ?
You can mash potatoes
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08-09-2003, 18:01   #69
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"Jesus lads, I'm so hungry I could eat the balls off of a low flying seagull".

Had a few chuckles when I heard my mammy saying that...
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08-09-2003, 18:13   #70
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why do moths fly with thier legs apart

- have you ever seen the size of moth balls ?
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08-09-2003, 18:22   #71
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Whats the difference between a basin and a bison?
You can wash your hands in one and the other is a south american buffalo.

(ah, the only joke I remember from the Fozzie Bear page of the 1978 Muppet Show Annual, oh how I rue the day that I returned home to find that my mother had thrown that book out....)
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09-09-2003, 13:37   #72
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From the king of the one-liner, Tommy Cooper ...

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
bags, he's bisatchel.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
"You're closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
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09-09-2003, 14:01   #73
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whats the difference between eggs and a blowjob?

you can beat eggs...
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10-09-2003, 17:47   #74
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn. anyone?"

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
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16-09-2003, 05:36   #75
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Two gays walkin down the road,
One turns to other and says, "it's lovely out isn't it?"
The other replies, "yes, but you can put it back now"

hee hee hee
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