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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    who's modding?

    Just making a point, there is no need to get the fingers cracking just because you dont like somebodys else's joke and dont bother to leave your own.

    maybe that was his joke Rollie


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    maybe that was his joke Rollie


    Oh it was been sarcastic,

    :confused:


    My apologies Pappy for not copping on.

    :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,975 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:


    1. Religion
    2. Royalty
    3. Physical Disability
    4. Racism
    5. Homosexuality

    The prize-winner wrote:



    'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using, Pussy and Bitch.

    Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: “Oh, that’s easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy .”

    He then found his Dad out in the garage.

    “Dad, the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”

    “What words, son?”

    “Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”

    “Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this.”

    He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said:

    “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”

    “Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”

    “Everything outside the circle.”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    What do a condom and a coffin have in common?























    They’re both filled with stiffs – except one’s coming and one’s going.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,716 ✭✭✭pappyodaniel


    On the first day of classes at Trinity College, the lecturer asked the new students a question to see if they really belonged in his English Literature class.

    He asked the first student, a girl from Dublin, What is the opposite of Joy? That would be Sadness answered the student. Correct said the Professor.

    To the next student, a lad from Cork, he asked what is the opposite of depression? That would be elation answered the student. Correct said the Professor.

    To the third student, a young lad from Limerick, he asked, What is the opposite of woe? The student replied, that would be Giddy up!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Hitchens wrote: »
    An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:


    1. Religion
    2. Royalty
    3. Physical Disability
    4. Racism
    5. Homosexuality


    Hey Ronnie Reagan, I'm black and I'm pagan,
    I'm gay and I'm left and I'm free.
    I'm a non-fundamentalist environmentalist,
    Please don't bother me.

    Christy Moore


  • Registered Users Posts: 12 Is CUMA liom.


    A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    A Wicklow farmer appears in court for having sex with a sheep, the judge listens to all the evidence, and on giving his verdict he said to the farmer " how low can you go " the farmer replied a Jack Russel.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,975 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    A Wicklow farmer appears in court for having sex with a sheep, the judge listens to all the evidence, and on giving his verdict he said to the farmer " how low can you go " the farmer replied a Jack Russel.

    Is that the farmer that kept mountain goats :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,450 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women.

    For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Hitchens wrote: »
    Is that the farmer that kept mountain goats :pac:

    No they were the ones with the short leg on the inside for walking around the mountains, they were not suitable for a stable relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,450 ✭✭✭Blisterman


    I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.

    It's a Boing 747.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,166 ✭✭✭Stereomaniac


    Why do people on the north side of Dublin keep pigeons?

    To teach their kids how to walk.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver, seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.
    The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch.
    “So what was that for”, the taxi driver asked.
    “Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
    real tough guys in here.” Do you think you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
    “If they don’t behave, out they go!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,975 ✭✭✭Hitchens


    Hymie started up a new business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats, and its doing very well.

    Prophets are going through the roof.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Three sisters, Mary, Pat and Fanny, went to dances together, Mary and Pat always scored poor Fanny had no luck. One night Pat and Mary picked up two guys and went back to the home place, Fanny went to bed disgusted. Mary was in the kitchen making the tea, her chap said you and Pat have very big feet, Mary replied you think our feet are big wait till you our Fannys


  • Registered Users Posts: 12 Is CUMA liom.


    Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    He got his gas bill.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 15,775 ✭✭✭✭Slattsy


    I just found out my wife was attacked by a mime.

    He performed unspeakable acts upon her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    Bruce Banner (The Hulk) walks into Matalan on High street Dublin and complains that all his shirts tore way too easily.
    'I want a refund for these 5 shirts pronto.'
    Assistant replies 'no way,there's holes all over them,scram okay.'
    Hulk replies 'look dear,it cost me €30 for these and either they get replaced or I want a refund,don't make me mad,you wont like me when I'm mad.'
    Assistant says 'beat it NOW.'
    The Hulks eyes start bulging,his shirt bursts open,his trousers rip open too,out pops his Jimmy Riddler,assistant screams when she sees the size of it and runs outside,dashes across the street and is knocked down................
    Moral of the story......never cross the road when the green man's flashing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    An engineer dies and goes to hell. First day there he complaims its to hot so he goes about building an air conditioner.
    When its up and running the place starts to cool down. He then notices there is nothing to do so he goes about building cold rooms and then he builds a massive brewery. Brilliant everybody are cool and enjoying free beer. But then they all start complaining that on earth they had sky sport to watch all the matches in the pub. So he goes to work and hey presto the genius has colour television all over hell.
    Well everybody were having a ball drinking beer, lovely and cool watching all the games on Sky all day. The word gets back to god about all the laughing going on in hell so he decides to take a look. He is in complete shock at what he sees saying to the devil. Whats going on here I mean hell is meant to torture these sinners and the devil says well you sent down a brilliant engineer that has done wonders for the place. I'm happy also as nobody is complaining. God says well listen send this fellow back up to me I think I made a mistake. The devil says no and god says I'll sue and the devil says where are you going to get a lawyer.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Two brooms were hanging in the closet.
    after a while they got to know each other so well,
    they decided to get married.

    One broom was,
    of course,
    the bride broom,
    the other,
    the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
    The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

    The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding,
    at the wedding dinner,
    the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom:

    'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

    'IMPOSSIBLE!'
    said the groom broom.


    Are you ready for this?

    Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!



















    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    My Side Of The Story



    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
    Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
    this morning on the phone.
    "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
    demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
    told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
    getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
    realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I
    had to break a window to get my keys.

    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
    was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
    got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
    I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
    time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
    against the cash register drawer to make change, and
    they spilled all over the floor.

    I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels;

    the phone was still ringing nonstop.

    When I came up I
    cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
    made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
    of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
    floor and broke.

    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
    I finally got back to answer it.

    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
    tell her!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    My transvestite friend never looks good in a mini-skirt, but I have to admire his balls for trying.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.
    Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.




    A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

    The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'



    I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed.

    Then no more than 5 minutes later I had this incredible urge to ask my girlfriend to marry me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,312 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Why do people on the north side of Dublin keep pigeons?

    To teach their kids how to walk.

    I need help with this one please. Anyone?


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    I need help with this one please. Anyone?

    Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,312 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    Pigeons walk with a bobbing head movement to keep balance. He is implying that a certain breed of dub walks with a similar bobbing movement

    Ok, thanks. I must look out for them.......


This discussion has been closed.
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