The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

the purple tin · 11-08-2013 2:29pm

The new priest of a rural parish in the 1950's is coming back from giving the last rites late one night when he notices that the lights are still on in the local pub and there are the rowdy sounds of merriment coming from inside.
The priest is furious that people are still drinking at this hour, so he bursts into through the door and shouts 'Any man that wants to go to Heaven, come over here and stand beside me!'. All the men put down their drinks and sheepishly gather beside the angry priest except for one old man who walks to the bar and starts discussing something with the barman.
'You there!' bellows the priest, 'are you telling me that you don't want to go to Heaven?'.
'Oh, I do Father' says the old man 'I'm just getting a few bottles for the journey'.

the purple tin · 11-08-2013 2:48pm

The same priest was conducting the choir in the chapel while Mary Flaherty (best looking lassie in the parish) was ringing the chapel bells behind them.
Mary's foot got tangled up in the bell rope and she was whisked into the air and left dangling upside down with her dress down around her ears. Unfortunatley for poor Mary, it was wash night and she hadn't got any knickers on.
Before any of the choir could turn around, the priest shouted 'let any man who looks at Mary Flaherty be struck blind instantly!'
Covering his right eye with his hand and turning around, Old Francie said to himself 'I think I could get by with just the one'.

the purple tin · 12-08-2013 10:46am

I wouldn't exactly say I was stupid when I was a child but I did get held back a bit in school. Mind you it was nice for the teacher, having somebody her own age to talk to.

the purple tin · 12-08-2013 10:58am

I hate people who take drugs, like the gardai and customs.

rolliepoley · 12-08-2013 7:34pm

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

rolliepoley · 12-08-2013 7:37pm

A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”

rolliepoley · 12-08-2013 7:41pm

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Hagar the Nice. · 12-08-2013 7:54pm

A bloke is walking down the street when he passes a new bakers shop.

The sign outside says "Every cake £1!" so he goes inside and is quite taken by the quality and the range, but on looking at the top shelf he sees a cake in the middle of the row marked up at £3.

"Here!" he says ".. it says on the sign outside that every cake is £1!"

"What of it?" says the baker.

"Well, that cake in the middle of the top shelf is £3!" says the bloke.

"I know.." says the baker ".. but that's Madeira cake."

764dak · 12-08-2013 8:51pm

I actually heard this one while watching the last World Cup. The match was Argentina 4-1 South Korea.

Commentator: "Another foul on you know who. He's not Korean. He's Lionel Messi."

"You know who" sounds like a Korean name: Yoo No-Hoo

rolliepoley · 12-08-2013 11:04pm

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and

his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!Â Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch !" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You ****ers are my kind of people!"

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 12:59pm

"Hmuch longer do I have to live?" I asked the doctor.

"ten" he replied

"ten what?" I said, "months...days?"

"nine......eight....seven"

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 1:00pm

A guy just threw butter, milk and a carton of cream at me....

How dairy !!!

reap-a-rat · 13-08-2013 1:15pm

[Better if said aloud]

My boyfriend just broke up with me; he says he's gonna try work things out with the ex...

I'm never dating a mathematician again!

Hagar the Nice. · 13-08-2013 1:42pm

What do they do with the bikes after the Tour De France?

Recycle them.

BeerWolf · 13-08-2013 1:49pm

reap-a-rat wrote: »

[Better if said aloud]

My boyfriend just broke up with me; he says he's gonna try work things out with the ex...

I'm never dating a mathematician again!

Eh?

reap-a-rat · 13-08-2013 1:54pm

BeerWolf wrote: »

Eh?

The ex - the x - multiplication? Probably would have gone better in the Maths Jokes thread

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 9:37am

My ma loves telling this joke:

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

14-08-2013 9:45am

I'm not thanking that. Not a hope of it. Jesus I trusted you kaiser, I trusted you >.<

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 9:57am

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not thanking that. Not a hope of it. Jesus I trusted you kaiser, I trusted you >.<

The trick of telling in it real life is to drag it out even longer so your audience gets really annoyed

Hagar the Nice. · 14-08-2013 10:46am

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

My ma loves telling this joke:

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

I'll bet you he was tyred counting all those stars.:D

--Kaiser-- · 14-08-2013 11:03am

A couple are newly married and are still in the honeymoon stage (so to speak). The husband comes downstairs and the wife asks him what he'd like for breakfast. "I wouldn't mind a shag!" he replies with a cheeky grin. So upstairs they go and do the horizontal tango. The husband then goes to work.

He comes back for lunch and again and when the wife asks him what he'd like for lunch. "I'll have what I had for breakfast, that was good!" so he sweeps he upstairs and they make the beast with two backs once more. The husband then returns to work.

He comes home from work and opens the door to see his wife, stark naked, sliding down the bannisters. Completely flabbergasted, the husband asks her "What the bloody hell are you doing woman?!"
"Just heating up your dinner!" she replies

the purple tin · 14-08-2013 1:20pm

What did the native American say when they bombed Hiroshima?
'For f**k sake! There's no need to shout!'

rolliepoley · 14-08-2013 7:45pm

At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

rolliepoley · 14-08-2013 7:56pm

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

Mr Tibbs · 15-08-2013 1:10am

Whatever way the wife got into bed the other night with her hair down really turned me on so I ran to the bathroom and striped off naked. Came back to the bedroom and said well how about it and she said. Whats that white power on your nob for. That's asprin for your headace you can have it orally or anally says I.

cantdecide · 15-08-2013 10:26am

There's a creepy skeleton inside your body right now!

Well I thought it was funny!

Liam90 · 15-08-2013 12:56pm

Everything is made in China, except babies.

They're made in VaChina.

rolliepoley · 15-08-2013 9:04pm

Liam90 wrote: »

Everything is made in China, except babies.

They're made in VaChina.

Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

ericl · 15-08-2013 9:55pm

A Celtic fan and a Rangers fan are playing darts, and up steps the Celtic fan to the oche first.

First dart double top, second dart double top and the third dart bounces off the board and straight back at the Rangers fan and kills him.

Then the MC announces: "1 hun dead and eighty!"

Capt'n Midnight · 15-08-2013 11:09pm

The Pink Panther's To Do list:

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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