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sex with new partner

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  • 29-01-2015 12:23am
    #1
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭


    I've had great advice here before that really helped me get through some difficult decisions, so I've come back to ask for help again.

    I've started dating a guy, since before xmas, first guy I've actually really liked since breaking with my ex. Problem is, that while the kisses are great, I look into his eyes and feel this amazing connection...when it comes down to it, and we get undressed...he's not hard....the first time, he had problems getting hard at all...we fooled around and he admitted he felt scared, as he hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time, and it affected him. The second time, he was soft, but after some oral (sorry if it's graphic), he got hard but didn't last long...the last and most recent time, I'm not sure if he was hard or not at the beginning, but once we undressed he wasn't, and only became hard with oral. We had sex, it was ok, lasted longer but was quite bang bang bang.....not really my style at all.

    I'm just really not sure what to make of it. He's only early 30's....I've never met a guy who was soft when we were making out/getting physical.....and while I know it's normal for a guy to suffer from brewers drop or nerves....each time? He claims it was nerves...and the sex isn't great...I like him, but I'm just really confused by it and feel a bit rejected...that maybe he can't get hard cos of me? Even if that's not the case, should I accept that maybe whatever connection/spark I thought was there, was only on my side?


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    #2
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I think the problem is not that there's no spark there for him; I think it's the opposite and he feels so strongly for you that nerves are kicking in. And now after the first few 'failure to launch' scenarios, he's overthinking and freaking out and prolonging the problem. Anticipating failure every time etc.

    I don't really know how to advise you. Only to say it's absolutely NOT a rejection of you from the sounds of it, and you need to not project that anxiety on him because it will make things ten times worse. God knows the guy feels bad enough as it is.

    I know it's tough for you, but you just need to be patient here and to not express any element of disappointment or frustration the next time it happens. Sex is about a lot more than penetration - use this time to enjoy being intimate, taking things slowly, exploring each others' bodies, kissing, foreplay - take the focus off the "main event" for the moment. It might just be a case of this guy needing to feel comfortable with you and getting out of his head and the only way that can happen is if there's no pressure, no stress or expectation of penetration every time.

    Remind him inside and outside of the bedroom of how much you like him and enjoy being around him and that you're happy just to be with him, regardless of whether or not the sex thing is part of the equation.


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    #3
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    It's not so much being unable to perform...I know that being patient etc will and has led to results. It's more that from the very beginning he doesn't seem hard at all although he acts like he's turned on...is he?

    And more importantly, I'm wondering are we compatible sexually? I've had great sex....this isn't it...it's unsatisfying and he just goes hell for leather - the opposite to when we're making out. With other partners I've been patient and shown them what I like and we work on it..but at the end of the day, my last partner found it frustrating and often made jibes about having to do foreplay etc - he preferred it his way and it felt uncomfortable knowing he was adapting just to please me, and for him it was a chore...

    I've had other partners where sex was great, it just worked straight off the first night and although we weren't compatible as partners, I know that good sex is possible...I'm just not sure whether me and this guy are compatible in the bedroom


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    #4
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Even if he struggles to get hard, it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you and isn't aroused. Quite the opposite, the nerves at the thought of trying to please you sexually is killing him!

    With regards to him going hell for leather when it stays hard - sounds like he's almost desperate to 'keep it up' and it's the only way he knows how. I wouldn't see it as a reflection on you, not at all.

    That said, while it would be brilliant if you stay with him and work on it, you deserve an enjoyable sex life. Since its very early days, if you're not feeling it, nobody would judge you too much if you ended it.


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    #5
    SoupMonster
    Registered Users Posts: 147 ✭✭SoupMonster


    Google "porn induced erectile dysfunction".

    It's a real thing that is affecting more and more men, even teenagers. Your description fits the profile.


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    #6
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    Nerves can play a big part in this, it's very encouraging that he can become erect after some foreplay etc. ED can really weigh on a guys mind in such a way that the whole act of becoming intimate becomes this pressure filled cauldron, I guarantee in the lead up to seeing you he is full of anxiety in case he cannot perform

    As the relationship develops and the nerves subside hopefully it will be a thing of the past, in some ways it could help if you take full sex off the table for a while. Tell him to relax and for a time literally just fool around, you may find that when he is not under pressure that becoming erect becomes the norm for him, if that occurs then just go with the flow.


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    #7
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I think attitude has a lot to do with sexual compatibility. If he was still soft, but willing to pleasure you with his hands and mouth that would be a great way to build up a great sex life.

    And frankly, it's my view that sex should be about giving your partner pleasure, and receiving pleasure from them.

    When you do have sex, is he ignoring your requests for slow lovemaking and just going at it? Because that also shows a bad attitude on his part.

    And those two things suggest to me that he is not sexually compatible with you.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP this happened to me with my current boyfriend (he's mid-30s), we've been seeing each other for about 3 months and until the last maybe 3 weeks I was in the same boat. He couldn't get hard and when he did it wasn't for long and could only manage one position. He was very attentive in other ways but I was really starting to worry that this was going to be it!

    We've been seeing a lot more of each other in the past 3/4 weeks and the sex has gradually improved and is now pretty fantastic! We didn't really talk about it beyond me reassuring him when he couldn't get hard, but I really think it was just nerves. He has no problem getting hard now.

    If you really like this guy and this is the only issue then I would suggest giving it a bit more time and if you don't see any improvement then try talking to him about it.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm assuming he watches porn? Tell him to go without it for at least a week and see what happens. Seriously, it has worked wonders for my relationship.


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    #10
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    so I went to his lastnight to watch a movie and spent the morning with him....no morning wood, no attempt at anything physical bar a few kisses, but even those were not so much passionate as sweet. Some hugging and affection but nothing else....feel quite rejected. I don't want to bring it up again or ask about porn as I don't want to put pressure on him or make him think I'm pushing for it...but I don't know what to do at this stage, as I'm quite dissapointed he didn't feel anything sexual for me at all it seems.

    Thanks for the advice, and for the tips. Especially the porn induced problems, I'm thinking after researching it that he might have that problem.

    Also December, he didn't ignore the request for slow love making as I didn't ask for it - I'm thinking if he has to be asked to slow down and change his style, we might not be compatible and maybe in time he'll get bored of doing it my way like my ex did. He did pleasure me and was very eager and happy to

    'dontgiveup' - was your bf sexual aside from not being able to get hard?


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Speaking from experience here OP, I would get out now while you can, before you develop deeper feelings & essentially settle for a crap sex life.
    I stayed with my ex for over 3 years despite putting up with very similar. It's not that we never had sex, it just wasn't as frequent as I would have liked & he would often not be able to get hard. The amount of times I'd be in bed beside him & silently cry myself to sleep because I'd feel so rejected was unreal.
    Run for the hills I say!


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    beenthereOP wrote: »
    Speaking from experience here OP, I would get out now while you can, before you develop deeper feelings & essentially settle for a crap sex life.
    I stayed with my ex for over 3 years despite putting up with very similar. It's not that we never had sex, it just wasn't as frequent as I would have liked & he would often not be able to get hard. The amount of times I'd be in bed beside him & silently cry myself to sleep because I'd feel so rejected was unreal.
    Run for the hills I say!

    +1
    I hate saying it but this was my experience too.
    I was with a guy over 1 year and no matter how much foreplay we did, as soon as it came to action time he would go soft no matter what. It has ruined my confidence and now I have trouble getting aroused with someone myself because all those horrible feelings of rejection come back. Get out now while you can. If nothing else, what if you want to have children someday?


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    rcarroll wrote: »
    so I went to his lastnight to watch a movie and spent the morning with him....no morning wood, no attempt at anything physical bar a few kisses, but even those were not so much passionate as sweet. Some hugging and affection but nothing else....feel quite rejected. I don't want to bring it up again or ask about porn as I don't want to put pressure on him or make him think I'm pushing for it...but I don't know what to do at this stage, as I'm quite dissapointed he didn't feel anything sexual for me at all it seems.

    Thanks for the advice, and for the tips. Especially the porn induced problems, I'm thinking after researching it that he might have that problem.

    Also December, he didn't ignore the request for slow love making as I didn't ask for it - I'm thinking if he has to be asked to slow down and change his style, we might not be compatible and maybe in time he'll get bored of doing it my way like my ex did. He did pleasure me and was very eager and happy to

    'dontgiveup' - was your bf sexual aside from not being able to get hard?


    I think you are very hard on this guy, I was with you all the way until you made him completely responsible for your enjoyment in your sex life i.e. demanding he is a mind reader and instinctively should know how you enjoy sex. if this is the vibe you give off its no wonder he can't get it up, the guy is clearly nervous and uncomfortable but that will pass, if it don't then move on


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    #14
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Come on wrote: »
    I think you are very hard on this guy, I was with you all the way until you made him completely responsible for your enjoyment in your sex life i.e. demanding he is a mind reader and instinctively should know how you enjoy sex. if this is the vibe you give off its no wonder he can't get it up, the guy is clearly nervous and uncomfortable but that will pass, if it don't then move on

    She doesn't come across as demanding anything from him, quite the opposite actually.

    She's giving him oral when he's struggling to get erect, she's not enjoying the sex but is saying nothing because she knows he's nervous, even though she's feeling rejected.

    I don't see the nasty streak you seem to see if OP's posts at all.


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    #15
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I dont think it's fair to expect him to be a mind reader and know what she likes without her telling him.

    There are ways to say it without hurting his feelings or making the situation awkward.


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    #16
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    Sounds like nerves/inexperience?
    Next on the list would be a medical condition.

    One suggestion I would have is maybe try it after getting drunk, if it's nerves that might help.


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    #17
    KomradeBishop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,981 ✭✭✭KomradeBishop


    You could try being more proactive with him (initiating with him, rather than waiting for him to initiate), and communicating to him what you enjoy?

    You said your last partner found it frustrating when you try to communicate what you like in this way, would that be making you hold back?
    If so, that might be the problem - that last partner seemed to have a bad attitude to you communicating like that - communication like that is important.


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