Her breasts have got smaller...

LegacyUser · 09-03-2012 12:10am #1

Mod: edit the title if you wish.

I expect to be lambasted hugely for this, but that doesn't negate how I feel. Sorry in advance.

We've been walking out with each other for many a year. When I first met my other half she was perfect in physical terms. For me, a huge percentage of "perfect" in physical terms rests upon a woman's breasts. I cannot adequately explain it, but big breasts do it for me. She has always been aware that her breasts have been the most attractive physical part of her body, as far as I've been concerned. For many other men I appreciate it rests in a woman's face, eyes, legs and so on. For many women, a huge percentage of "perfect" rests in a wide array of features and qualities. Given this, I genuinely do not believe it would be fair for people to condemn me for my physical preference. Anyway!

Recently she has lost a substantial amount of weight - weight I never felt she needed to lose. I only really noticed the weight loss because her breasts have got distinctly smaller. They have shrunk from a DD to around an A or B. Of course I lie and say you're still my beautiful girl (and she is beautiful no matter what), but she's no longer my type of beauty. I just loved resting my head there, and so much more. It was, always, just right. Calm. Being with femininity at its utmost. The latter of course being defined by me, as is my right as I'm talking about my preferences.

Physically, this change is hard to accept. While I acknowledge that she is happier with her body, it is also true that the body I fancied is now different to the one I was in hindsight, for want of a better word, beguiled into fancying at the start of our relationship. I feel I should say something to her, but I also feel it would be most wrong to say something to her.

Is there any way I can let her know my feelings on this issue in a productive manner?

tbh · 09-03-2012 10:01am

Gansásamh wrote: »

Is there any way I can let her know my feelings on this issue in a productive manner?

almost certainly not.

That's not to say that you're not entitled to base your decision to remain in a relationship with this girl on any criteria you wish. If you don't want to be with her anymore because her boobs are smaller, that is 100% your right and your decision, no matter what anyone on here says.

But is there a way that you can seriously tell her you'd prefer her boobs were bigger without sounding like a shallow jerk? Almost certainly not.

that's not to say you are a shallow jerk! not at all. I think it's great that you are so certain about what you like. But this is one of those times where you lie and say "it's not you, it's me"

username123 · 09-03-2012 10:03am

Gansásamh wrote: »

We've been walking out with each other for many a year.

Then presumably the sole basis of your relationship is not just your gf's breasts?

Gansásamh wrote: »

While I acknowledge that she is happier with her body, it is also true that the body I fancied is now different to the one I was in hindsight, for want of a better word, beguiled into fancying at the start of our relationship.

You are aware that bodies change? You do know that we do not go to our graves with the bodies we had in our 20s?

You are also aware that a relationship based on what someones body looks like is pretty shallow and pointless?

So long as she is healthy - so what?

Mr. Loverman · 09-03-2012 10:07am

Before you say or do anything, ask yourself if you've changed physically over the past many a year.

Are you considering breaking up with her or are you just saying it would be nice if her tits were bigger again? If it's the latter I think there is nothing wrong with telling her you miss her big boobies. But they may never return. If this is a genuine problem for you please do her a favour and break up with her.

Jerry Jordan · 09-03-2012 10:09am

If the OP had written here and said his girl had put on weight , her boobs were big and flabby and he was not attracted to her. everyone would say he was right and to tell her his feelings and encourage her to exercise. So what if he likes bigger boobs. I like big men with facial hair. If my husband became a skinny man tomor and shaved his beard i would tell him it didnt float my boat. Unless it was a medical reason then i wouldnt utter a word. But if he decided he wanted to be a skinny lad it would make me very very turned off by him.
OP i dont know what you can do really cos most women pride themselves on being too slim thanks to the distorted media. Its doubtful she will put weight on again for you. she has changed. If your not attracted to her you need to sit down and talk it out.
On a seperate note if you have kids in the future and she breastfeeds any womans breats will eventually get alot smaller. So the grass may not be greener either.

Mr. Loverman · 09-03-2012 10:12am

Jerry Jordan wrote: »

If the OP had written here and said his girl had put on weight , her boobs were big and flabby and he was not attracted to her. everyone would say he was right and to tell her his feelings and encourage her to exercise. So what if he likes bigger boobs. I like big men with facial hair. If my husband became a skinny man tomor and shaved his beard i would tell him it didnt float my boat. Unless it was a medical reason then i wouldnt utter a word. But if he decided he wanted to be a skinny lad it would make me very very turned off by him.
OP i dont know what you can do really cos most women pride themselves on being too slim thanks to the distorted media. Its doubtful she will put weight on again fir you. she has changed. If your not attracted to her you need to sit down and talk it out.
On a seperate note if you have kids in the future and she breastfeeds any womans breats will eventually get alot smaller. So the grass may not be greener either.

Just because your attraction is based on limited number of physical traits only doesn't make it right.

We're talking about a pair of tits here, we're not talking about some sort of dis-figuration.

Babooshka · 09-03-2012 10:13am

Gansásamh wrote: »

Mod: edit the title if you wish.

Is there any way I can let her know my feelings on this issue in a productive manner?

No there isn't. if it's that big an issue to you, you need to break up with her. This happens to lots of people in one way or another, men go bald, women get saggy in places that were tight. I love men with a lovely healthy head of hair. I'm in love with a baldy. Is it a deal breaker for me? No, cos it doesn't turn me off him, with him it doesn't matter to me.

If it matters to you that much then it matters enough to end it. Unless she has ever said she missed her boobs and wished they were bigger again and opened a conversation about it, I'd say nothing. And even if she did say that, be very careful what you say in return, it's a minefield. Unless she decided to have her breasts enlarged because she missed her bigger bust, there's nothing else you can do. But if you moved on and then met someone else with big boobs...what happens if they lose weight/get breast cancer and have to have a mastectomy/whatever....the issue is still in you to lose interest, it's shaky foundations you're living on if that's how you place worth in someone you supposedly love.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2012 10:18am

In a word, no. Your girlfriend obviously wasn't happy with her body the way it was and lost the weight. She's probably going around delighted with her new figure and enjoying buying clothes she'd never have dreamed of fitting into before. What you want her to do is to put all that weight on again just so she can have larger boobies. Or put her health at risk by having implants.

If the lack of big boobies is causing you this much of a problem, I don't see any other option but for you to break up with her. If you are no longer attracted to her, what's the point in staying in a relationship with her? How do you think you'd cope if 10 or 20 years down the line she hasn't got the perfect body any more?

Jerry Jordan · 09-03-2012 10:24am

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Just because your attraction is based on limited number of physical traits only doesn't make it right.

We're talking about a pair of tits here, we're not talking about some sort of dis-figuration.

There is nothing wrong with having a type. I stated if my husband got ill and changes that would matter nothing to me.
But he knows I find skinny men repulsive and always have. I just dont find them manly and im not the only woman who thinks that. Just as he likes long hair. Im not going to go out and cut my hair short . If i lost my hair medically thats another thing entirely. Theres nothing wrong with that. My husband likes boobs too - im not goina diet to be 8 stone and loose them. when the only man i want to entice loves my figure the way it is.

username123 · 09-03-2012 10:41am

Jerry Jordan wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with having a type.

No, but a type is an ideal and that kind of thing tends to go out the window as you get older and things sag south and hair loss etc occurs. If your relationship is based on what the other person looks like then you are not going to have much in common at 70 sitting next to someone who is unrecognisable from their wedding photo.

Hugh Hefner gets away with it by dating younger and younger women as he gets older, is he happy? Who knows? Is it healthy? Well if you desire physical appeal over mature love then sure. But most men in Ireland wouldnt have his attraction - ie, money.

ManOfMystery · 09-03-2012 10:45am

OP, I can see your point and I can understand a physical attraction failing if someone puts on a lot of weight, or suffers a horrible disfigurement, or similar. But nonetheless .................... her boobs have got a little smaller. They haven't disappeared. It's hardly the end of the world - I'd suggest you get over it.

beks101 · 09-03-2012 10:51am

You're fully entitled to your sexual preferences OP, we all are.

However, as you've been together for years presumably your girlfriend's breast aren't the entire basis of your attraction to her and you've learned to love her as a three-dimensional person, encapsulating her personality, mind, mannerisms, her character traits, who she fundamentally is as a person. Are you willing to give that up for the sake of a pair of tits?

In my view, fair enough if she was some fcuk buddy who you were meeting up with regularly for a shag because her big boobs turned you on, and all of a sudden her boobs are no more. But to give up everything you have with her because she's dropped some weight and her figure has changed and she is most likely healthier and happier in her body now? Really?

fallen01angel · 09-03-2012 11:56am

Gansásamh wrote: »

Mod: edit the title if you wish.

She has always been aware that her breasts have been the most attractive physical part of her body, as far as I've been concerned.

Hi OP, this is the part that jumped out at me,maybe she wasn't actually happy with the size of her breasts,maybe she feels like they drew unwanted attention,the question you should be asking is why she wanted to change her appearance.I've known quite a few girls who had large breasts who ended up getting breast reductions for numerous reasons-they felt their bodies were not in proportion,they got much unwanted attention from men,they suffered back pain etc.
You really need to talk to your OH half if this something you cannot accept,tbh OP and no offense meant but after so many years together I think if you break up with someone cos her breasts have shrunk then she's better off without you.

silly · 09-03-2012 3:25pm

I wonder will she still be attracted to you when you get older and are tucking your balls into your socks.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2012 3:38pm

If she went from a DD cup to an A/B cup then that's a hell of alot of weight she's dropped and it's not easy to loose that amount of weight unless really motivated to do it. Clearly she was unhappy enough with her weight to have done something about it.

You want to know how to talk about it with her in a "productive manner" and I've no idea what you mean by this....do you want her to gain the weight back? Ignoring the health risks to her if she lost the weight she lost it for a reason and most likely worked hard to do it so I can't she her agreeing to gain any of it back. Do you want her to get implants to increase her breast size? Again it's a health risk for her and a painful operation to gain back breasts she may not have been happy with in the first place. How long do you think your relationship will last if your force her to do something to please you but that makes her unhappy?

If it's a deal breaker for you then fine, be honest with her and move on. The reality of long term relationships is that people change, sometimes it's small things, sometimes it's big things, some are positive some are negative. The relationship either grows and evolves with the two people or they move apart and the relationship ends.

Taltos · 09-03-2012 4:53pm

silly - please review our charter. Unhelpful or abusive posting is not welcome here.

Thanks
Taltos

fatmammycat · 09-03-2012 5:48pm

It's her body, if she's happy with how she looks, keep quiet. If you don't fancy her anymore, break up and find some other goddess of perfection to accompany you through life.

The Corinthian · 09-03-2012 6:18pm

fatmammycat wrote: »

It's her body, if she's happy with how she looks, keep quiet. If you don't fancy her any more, break up and find some other goddess of perfection to accompany you through life.

And if he's happy with a beer belly? Or he feels that he only needs to shower once a week? Or long nails are not a problem?

It's not simply about her being happy with how she looks, any more than it's simply about him being happy with how he looks. That's not to say that she should go through plastic surgery to fulfil his every desire, but people do compromise towards their partner's expectations.

And if you don't want to you're better off staying single.

saa · 09-03-2012 6:26pm

I gained weight and went down a cup size, thats hormones for ya, I know my partner preferred them before but he doesn't focus on it, I don't not even aware of it.
Personally I don't think anything productive came out of my partner mentioning it twice because nothing can be really done and you don't want your partner to feel self conscious or inadequate.

You've been in love with her for years and its inevitable that our bodies change especially breasts, I just feel that talking things out won't solve the issue with you, she shouldnt have to change her body you have to decide whether you can accept this change or move on. I am all for communicating and talking thing out but when its one body part you don't have control over its a little hard to compromise.

It is really normal when a partner changes weight compared to when the couple first started going out for one partner to feel less physically attracted to the person, if this physical change is too much for you, really asses what's going on with you and would you be happy to stay with her with this body, maybe after that later down the line if these feelings persist that would be the time to talk because the issue is no longer about your preference for her old breasts but you fancying her at all.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2012 6:38pm

The Corinthian wrote: »

And if he's happy with a beer belly? Or he feels that he only needs to shower once a week? Or long nails are not a problem?

The actions involved in fixing any of those issues [loose weight, cut your nails, take a shower] are alot easier fixes then what the OP is asking. If your OH has gained too much weight or doesn't wash etc etc you can ask them if they will work on fixing those issues and either they will or they won't and you make the choice wither it's a deal breaker or not.

In the OP's case the option for her to "gain back" her bigger breasts would be to gain back alot of weight and risks her health or have a major operation.

fatmammycat · 09-03-2012 6:47pm

The Corinthian wrote: »

And if he's happy with a beer belly? Or he feels that he only needs to shower once a week? Or long nails are not a problem?

It's not simply about her being happy with how she looks, any more than it's simply about him being happy with how he looks. That's not to say that she should go through plastic surgery to fulfil his every desire, but people do compromise towards their partner's expectations.

And if you don't want to you're better off staying single.

Give me a break, and don't bother dragging hygiene into it, totally separate issue. People change over time, they get stupid haircuts, get scars, get older, get pregnant, get bald, gain and lose weight, lose breasts to cancer, grow nose hairs, but if you love them you love them. If a beer belly is a deal breaker, so be it. Unless the beer-belly-wearer wants to drop the belly, shut up about it or move on. If he's not happy with how she looks he ought to go find some other version of femininity on which to rest his head. The way he talked about her in his OP you'd swear the poor girl was nothing more than a pair of breasts on legs who beguiled/tricked him into a relationship with her perfectness. It's beyond shallow.

Ickle Magoo · 09-03-2012 7:16pm

I don't think you can say anything to her OP. I think this is a matter you have to sort out in your own head regarding how much you want to be with this particular woman, as opposed to her breasts.

Attraction is fickle and if you are a breast man and this has altered how much you are attracted to her then that's something you have to have a think about. Beyond requesting she puts her health at jeopardy by puting the weight back on or requesting she undergoes surgery in order to alter her breast size to suit your preference - which I think you know is not on - your only options are to accept her smaller breasts or find another woman who has the breast size you prefer.

All the best.

LovelyLottie · 09-03-2012 10:28pm

To be honest i found this post very unsettling and i'm quite upset on behalf of the op's girlfriend. What fatmammycat said in her(?) last post summed it up for me. Is that all she is for you? A pair of boobs?

It's one thing only going for girls with big boobs - sure, go for it if that's what does it for you. But questioning your attraction to your long-term girlfriend because she's shrunk a few cup sizes? ffs.

The op's girlfriend would be GUTTED if she knew he felt like this.

I can't believe that a long-term boyfriend could be so shallow.

You don't sound like you love this girl at all. It is so disrespectful.

blatantrereg · 10-03-2012 11:49am

If women lose/gain weight very fast it reduces the elasticity of their skin quite a bit, and they're quite likely to lose muscle when losing weight fast too. So even if she did put weight back her boobs would probably be a lot saggier than before. So - aside from the moral issues and so on, and from a simplistic, purely practical persepctive - just accept that they are gone really.

I reckon evolving would be your optimal course. Boobs are for babies. You describe how you soothe yourself on a big pair of tits. You idealise a woman based on one transient physical attribute, and then suggest she's deceived you in some way when it changes. But it's you deceiving yourself really. You're engaging with your inner idea of femininity by the sounds of things, not with your gf herself too much at all. She just fit the blueprint to impose that onto when she was the right shape, and now she doesn't any longer. Consider Jung's concept of the animus if you like.

I do kinda understand the feeling of being "beguiled" by big boobs. I recognised a long time ago that they could cloud my judgement in all sorts of ways. After I learnt to reject that calming cloudiness they can inspire, I realised I was a bit disgusted and distrustful of it. It really is just objectification too, tbh.

Really it's up to you. You can break up with her. Or you can drop your boob fixation and open yourself to other aspects of her to find beauty in. What you can't do is tell her to put weight back. That would be loathsome behaviour, and would have zero chance of accomplishing what you want anyway.

gud4u · 10-03-2012 2:02pm

OP, Your GF must have lost a lot of weight to drop that much of a cup size. That to me says, she must have been somewhat obese, so she has gotten herself very healthy, which is great, RIGHT?

My only experience with such a case is when my friend lost 6 stone, but her husbanad did not like it, as he prefered a fatty:rolleyes:, That was just him, not making a comparison to OP in any way.

My friend now tells people who commend her on getting healthy, ''I've lost 18 stone, 6 of my own, and 12 from the asshole who didn't like change.

I think my point is, how important are her boobs to you, would you leave her if she had to have a mastectomy.

Maybe i'm wrong, are you being a little immature, at 40, my husband doesn't have the washboard stomach he had, has a receding hairline and a litttle extra weight. I have varicose veins from standing at work:o, but we still stayed married.

As another OP said, you do realise people change and we won't be buried in the same bodies as our 20s.

I don't think boobs are a sexual preference either, as opposed to a physical preference.

You could test the waters by telling her you miss her boobs, it depends on her self confidence.

We don't know the OPs GF, she could be happy with everything about herslef except her boobs, maybe she's be thrilled if you paid to have a boob job. I know when I lost 5 stone before, i'd have gladly let my husband pay for a tummy tuck to get rid of the stretched skin.

As someone who has lost and gained weight throughout life, don't be surprised if she has a new found confidence and tells you to grow up or find a new pair of boobs to lie on.

It's a big risk OP, but only you know how well you and your GF can communicate without feelings being hurt beyond repair.

Good luck.

implausible · 10-03-2012 2:22pm

OP, if the deal-breaker for you is big boobs, you better hope that no woman you go out with ever gets pregnant - for many pregnant women, their breasts are a no-go area for the last part of pregnancy and for the length of time they breastfeed.

Your poor girlfriend - there she is after losing weight, probably feeling great about herself and having lost the problems big breasts cause and the person she probably wants to impress the most is sulking.

The Corinthian · 10-03-2012 2:27pm

log in you say wrote: »

The actions involved in fixing any of those issues [loose weight, cut your nails, take a shower] are alot easier fixes then what the OP is asking. If your OH has gained too much weight or doesn't wash etc etc you can ask them if they will work on fixing those issues and either they will or they won't and you make the choice wither it's a deal breaker or not.

I wasn't citing the OP's specific situation and even pointed out that it is a question of reasonable compromise which naturally is not really practical in the OP's situation.

I was responding to the moronic generalization, by one poster, that if one is happy with how they look, the other should keep quiet. Either can, for example, put on excessive weight and they may still be happy with how they look. Does this mean that the other partner, who is not happy with this should remain quiet or the one with the extra weight not care about his or her partners wishes?

No, absolutely not. Relationships are about reasonable compromise, not some egocentric approach whereby if it's good for you your partner can like it or lump it.

If I did not get this across through the use of a poor example, I apologise, however such a generalization is in my eyes selfish to the point of narcissism.

fatmammycat · 10-03-2012 6:28pm

You can drop the 'moronic' slur, my opinion is mine and no less stupid than yours, shame you can't make yours with being rude or in this case personal.

The Corinthian · 10-03-2012 6:38pm

fatmammycat wrote: »

You can drop the 'moronic' slur, my opinion is mine and no less stupid than yours, shame you can't make yours with being rude or in this case personal.

The adjective addressed the argument, not the person.

And while we are all entitled equally to hold opinions, not all opinions are equally valid.

fatmammycat · 10-03-2012 6:41pm

There's still no need for you to be so antagonistic. Nor was there anything 'moronic' about my view, if you don't agree with it, so be it, but as you can see, I am not alone in this view.

coffee_cake · 10-03-2012 6:53pm

give it a rest please and report posts you have a problem with - back to helping the OP

Her breasts have got smaller...

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