Nagging girlfriends/wives

MJOR · 25-10-2008 9:34pm

I think a lot of it has to do with a person bringing their past relationship /mistakes into their current relationship... They struggle to understand boundaries as well. I think if the other person "takes it" then the bully will give it.

Mind games are utterly childish and immature and have no place in grown up realtionships. An ability to communicate without throwing a strop is not a luxury but imo a necessity

Pherekydes · 25-10-2008 9:47pm

latchyco wrote: »

A lot of verbal abuse froma loved ones is dealt with by tolerence .He has to tolerate her and her him .There has to be a happy balance otherwise like an overloaded ship the relationship will eventually sink .:)

I think problems start when the tolerance is entirely in one direction. There always has to be give and take.

MJOR wrote: »

I think if the other person "takes it" then the bully will give it.

Indeed. But people apportion some of the blame on the person being bullied. The bully is always responsible.

Latchy · 25-10-2008 9:56pm

Pherekydes wrote: »

I think problems start when the tolerance is entirely in one direction. There always has to be give and take.
.

Indeed ,that's what i mean by balance .If it's mostly one way traffic then there is something wrong and sometimes a nice gesture can be mistaken to mean someting else, when no harm was intended by either party .

metrovelvet · 25-10-2008 10:08pm

latchyco wrote: »

and sometimes a nice gesture can be mistaken to mean someting else, when no harm was intended by either party .

You have just descibed cynacism, perhaps one of the most corrrosive forces in relationship. Once you fail to believe in the goodwill of the other, then you are in trouble. That is what being FAITHFUL is all about, believing.

Latchy · 25-10-2008 10:15pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

You have just descibed cynacism, perhaps one of the most corrrosive forces in relationship. Once you fail to believe in the goodwill of the other, then you are in trouble. That is what being FAITHFUL is all about, believing.

And cynacisim, or being cynical by anybody can sometimes be disguised as humor when in fact their is a underlying corrosive, or hidden agenda being expressed ,just not very well so it manifests itself as nagging ..........i think lol

Piste · 26-10-2008 12:53am

I always swore to myself never to be a nag, and I was very mindful of this when I began going out with my boyfriend, like I might make the odd jibe from time to time ("Jaysus your room's a bit of a tip today!") but no more so than I'd do to any of my friends, I'd never be like "Jesus Christ you are a filthy pig, your room is a state, clean it!" I guess I'm not too easily bothered. In fact I'm sometimes told to nag him to do things he keeps forgetting and I'll nag him then because he's literally asked for it and it's something he wants to/ needs to do.

Cianos · 26-10-2008 4:34am

Some girls (people) like being in control because it gives them a point of focus. I think maybe controlling partners do so because they feel that they are the ones holding the relationship together. I guess it comes with people who have a very strongly defined frame. The kind of people that when they walk in to a room the mood noticeably changes.

And maybe girls who have this very defined frame are attracted to guys with very weak frames, the kind of guys who lack enough confidence to stand up for themselves, because they know that they will be able to easily control that person and that they get to run the tones of the relationship whatever way they wish. Of course, this isn't the thing that stays attractive for very long...maybe the power is attractive initially but will just lead to boredom, resentment and bitterness.

MJOR · 26-10-2008 1:38pm

I think that one of the most important things anyone, male or female should understand is that NOBODY should embark on a relationship until they are happy with themselves. I learned this and think it's why there's no power struggle in my relationship. I know some poele are just control freaks and bossy but if you'r ehappy with yourself then you'll radiate positivity... very DR Phil i know but so true

Piste · 26-10-2008 1:55pm

I could never properly respect anyone who I could "whip" or who'd do anything I'd say, and at the ame time I admire and repsect independence and wouldn't like any guy who'd EXPECT me to be pratically running his life for him.

ntlbell · 26-10-2008 2:03pm

MJOR wrote: »

I think that one of the most important things anyone, male or female should understand is that NOBODY should embark on a relationship until they are happy with themselves. I learned this and think it's why there's no power struggle in my relationship. I know some poele are just control freaks and bossy but if you'r ehappy with yourself then you'll radiate positivity... very DR Phil i know but so true

+1

This is the actual core of the problem, the vast majority of people (imho) look to others for their own happiness instead of looking inward towards themselves and it is very Dr.Phil/Oprah stuff but the simple fact is when you do love yourself you won't try and control or hurt anyone else as this causes you to hurt yourself, the feeling of guilt afterwards knowing in your heart your hurting the person you love. the only people who engadge in self harm is people who don't like themselves and this bullying/nagging in relationships is no different.

Reku · 26-10-2008 7:15pm

Well guess I'll pipe up in defence of the nags in that I tend to bring this out in folks due to them worrying about me, so while nagging can sometimes be a flaw on part of the nagger, sometimes it's a flaw on the part of the naggee.:(

GirlInterrupted · 26-10-2008 7:24pm

farohar wrote: »

Well guess I'll pipe up in defence of the nags in that I tend to bring this out in folks due to them worrying about me, so while nagging can sometimes be a flaw on part of the nagger, sometimes it's a flaw on the part of the naggee.:(

I second this, sometimes I've been on the receiving end of a nagging, but I've known that its because the other person was concerned for me. I don't judge that type of nagging too harshly as its not meant to control in a negative way at all.

ntlbell · 26-10-2008 9:34pm

farohar wrote: »

Well guess I'll pipe up in defence of the nags in that I tend to bring this out in folks due to them worrying about me, so while nagging can sometimes be a flaw on part of the nagger, sometimes it's a flaw on the part of the naggee.:(

everyone has flaws hence nagging is generally futile...

if both parties accept each others flaws then in general there shouldn't be any nagging if they can't then in general they shouldn't be together...

The Sweeper · 26-10-2008 10:04pm

To nag.

To repeatedly deliver information to someone too stupid to get the message the first time?

To wonder why you have to ask a grown man to pick up his underpants from the bathroom floor more than once? (To then wonder why you have to ask at all?)

To ponder why it is that someone who is important to you apparently doesn't care what you think?

To realise that if you have to bring up the same thing over and over, there is no communciation in your relationship?

To wonder what happened to compromise?

anonymous_joe · 26-10-2008 10:07pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Because they don't feel they deserve love. Sounds a bit oprah but it's true IMHO. Women are particularly prone to this. Again IMHO. So they push the person away, thus agreeing with their inner voice that says "see, I told you he would leave..". Throw in some women's tendency to try to fix everyone else (but themselves) emotionally and it's a recipe for disaster.

Cannot begin to overemphasise this one.

Went out with someone who didn't nag, but who was terrified that everyone had treated her badly previously because of something she'd done. (Abusive parent, etc, couple of boyfriends who treated her like shít, etc... ) As such, everything was overexamined, eventually she took something the wrong way, went mad, caused series of fights, which climaxed in the classic 'I knew it, by destroying our relationship I proved that you didn't love me enough.' Immediately followed by the go out with friend, realise he's a príck too, start talking to the ex again, and then again kicks in the 'I don't deserve to be loved' push him away.

Of most of my friends, I've noticed that of those in serious relationships, the effects were usually negative. One in particular had the ultimate shrew, whom he tolerated, much to the dismay of his friends, before eventually just ending it out of frustration and causing her far too much pain having suffered himself for a long time.

There's a huge proportion of men who would be unwilling to tell their wife/gf to fúck off or shut up because there's a lingering sense that this state of affairs is somehow normal. If your gf nags you, you ignore it, you don't complain.

I do think there is a sense that it's ok for a woman to 'bully' a man, but if a man was to respond in kind, or just to forcefully request it be ended, he would feel that he was somehow abusing her. I know one lad who equated telling his girlfriend to shut up with hitting her. By which I of course mean, he would not do either, and thought they were both terrible things to do. As a result, he ended up getting the ear bitched off of him before as per usual, fúcking off as soon as someone quieter was available.

ntlbell · 26-10-2008 11:00pm

anonymous_joe wrote: »

C
There's a huge proportion of men who would be unwilling to tell their wife/gf to fúck off or shut up because there's a lingering sense that this state of affairs is somehow normal. If your gf nags you, you ignore it, you don't complain.

I do think there is a sense that it's ok for a woman to 'bully' a man, but if a man was to respond in kind, or just to forcefully request it be ended, he would feel that he was somehow abusing her. I know one lad who equated telling his girlfriend to shut up with hitting her. By which I of course mean, he would not do either, and thought they were both terrible things to do. As a result, he ended up getting the ear bitched off of him before as per usual, fúcking off as soon as someone quieter was available.

I wouldn't be telling someone I loved and respected to shut up or f*ck off regardless of the situation that seems like a very strange reaction to someone you love or have chosen to spend your life with.If it's something you wouldn't say to your mother you probably shouldn't say to your wife/partner.

But you're right in the sense that a lot of men won't communicate and discuss the issue properly. They respond to nagging with "yea yea yea yea yea" then do it anyway so the next time it happens the nagger gets even more upset as they feel you didn't listen to them the last time and the frustration grows each time it happens, where if you bring the issue to a conclusion at the time it should be put to bed and not arise again.

The majority of the nagging could be cleared up if both parties are mature enough to disccus the issue rather than digging and nagging when the problem arises.

Reku · 26-10-2008 11:48pm

ntlbell wrote: »

everyone has flaws hence nagging is generally futile...

True, but then complaining about things to someone who has no control over them is futile too, yet most girls seem to find it highly therapeutic to have a little rant about something that's bothering them to a friend who's willing to listed.
Then there's also the desire to show that you do care about the person and do notice these things, if you're concerned but remain silent might they think you are indifferent to circumstances?

ntlbell · 27-10-2008 12:07am

farohar wrote: »

True but then complaining about things to someone who has no control over them is futile too yet most girls seem to find it highly therapeutic to have a little rant about something that's bothering them to a friend who's willing to listed.
Then there's also the desire to show that you do care about the person and do notice these things, if you're concerned but remain silent might they think you are indifferent to circumstances?

Ranting to people about what's bothering is also futile (I understand that some people feel it's helping) but all your really doing is throwing a load of BS at someone else to make themselves "feel" better it's probably one of the most selfish things we do.

You can show you care about a person by having a chat and communicating the issue correctly. You can show concern without nagging.

"You're some c*nt, every f*cking sunday you're in the pub all day watching football and drinking with them w*nkers, throwing your money away on drink when are we going to f*cking sunday together?"

Is this showing someone you care? I'm sure there's 101 ways to not stay silent on this issue to come to an arrengment that suits everyone, but won't come by approaching it like that but that's usually how that argument starts more times than not

Reku · 27-10-2008 12:15am

ntlbell wrote: »

"You're some c*nt, every f*cking sunday you're in the pub all day watching football and drinking with them w*nkers, throwing your money away on drink when are we going to f*cking sunday together?"

Is this showing someone you care? I'm sure there's 101 ways to not stay silent on this issue to come to an arrengment that suits everyone, but won't come by approaching it like that but that's usually how that argument starts more times than not

That sort of phrasing I'd consider far more hostile than the type of nagging I'm on about; repeatedly complaining about something or asking about something in spite of the other person clearly not intending to do it/change their mind. If someone phrased it like that I'd consider it pretty clear that either they didn't care or they were extremely pissed off about it.

Red Hand · 27-10-2008 12:21am

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

To repeatedly deliver information to someone too stupid to get the message the first time?

And the nagger being the person that is too stupid to learn after the third or fourth time that this is futile.

ntlbell · 27-10-2008 12:26am

farohar wrote: »

That sort of phrasing I'd consider far more hostile than the type of nagging I'm on about; repeatedly complaining about something or asking about something in spite of the other person clearly not intending to do it/change their mind. If someone phrased it like that I'd consider it pretty clear that either they didn't care or they were extremely pissed off about it.

It's just there to prove the point that it's how the conversation usually starts of on the wrong foot right from the get go you can do the same with just about any moaning/complaing.

If you watch a friends wife/husband/partner nagging/complaing it nearly always starts off with some sort of criticisim of what they're doing wrong, no one likes to hear what they do wrong they especially don't want to hear it daily/weekly/fortnightly so if you aproach the nagging in a negative manner you'll get a negative response.

People don't tend to look at their intent when ranting and raving they stop focusing on what result they actually want from it and just ramble on and before you know it they're arguing about something non related to the original issue that happened 6 months ago and it just de-rails.

if you know your partner well you should know how they react to nagging/ranting and learn that constanly moaning and groaning about something won't get them to change the fact that people go through 20/30 years of marridge and still don't learn this is astonishing.

metrovelvet · 27-10-2008 12:29am

Advice for naggars is the same as for those who dont listen: keep doing what you have done and you'll keep getting what you got.

Wibbs · 27-10-2008 2:07am

OkI can see some of this, but one can look at the same thing from a different viewpoint.

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

To repeatedly deliver information to someone too stupid to get the message the first time?

As Jeremiah 16:1 points out that makes the nagger equally thick. Plus the nagger through full use of their judgement and instinct picked this person carefully and decided this was a good bet.

To wonder why you have to ask a grown man to pick up his underpants from the bathroom floor more than once? (To then wonder why you have to ask at all?)

In that case I would say the person through full use of their judgement and instinct picked this person carefully and ended up with a slob.

To ponder why it is that someone who is important to you apparently doesn't care what you think?

Lack of communication and lack of compatibility and not spotting this earlier.

To realise that if you have to bring up the same thing over and over, there is no communciation in your relationship?

Again the nagger usually sets the scene by ignoring obvious red flags early on.

To wonder what happened to compromise?

Compromise is only possible through communication. Communication with another adult capable of communication and compromise. Again things that the nagger should have spotted early on, but didn't or ignored the signs for other reasons(which in themselves are interesting).

I agree and see hwere you're coming from in your post, good points all, but purely from the angle of the oblivious nagger side. The signs were likely there in most cases, yet the nagger ploughed on, ending up the scenario they engineered to a large degree themselves. I've done it myself in different areas of relationships, but there comes a point where you see that and stop. Makes more sense. Certainly more than those types of people who we all know who are being continually frustrated by the result of their silly choices.

anonymous_joe · 27-10-2008 2:34am

ntlbell wrote: »

I wouldn't be telling someone I loved and respected to shut up or f*ck off regardless of the situation that seems like a very strange reaction to someone you love or have chosen to spend your life with.If it's something you wouldn't say to your mother you probably shouldn't say to your wife/partner.

Well that's not how I'd phrase it obviously. But if someone's acting in such a destructive way, you need to be able to put a stop to it, or just to get away from it.

Nagging girlfriends/wives

Comments