He lied.. should I trust him again?

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 4:03pm #1

I've been seeing a guy I work with for a couple of months, on the QT. We were good friends for about a year beforehand and we've been taking things slowly as we're both not long out of relationships, but we have a great time together and all was going really well. It's the easiest, most fun relationship (for lack of a better word, we're not exclusive) I've ever been in and we've been really open and honest with each other.. or so I thought.

There is another girl in work who he was also good friends with and who I knew liked him, and she began to suspect there was something going on between us and she freaked out. I obviously had to wonder why so I asked him out straight if he'd been involved with her and he told me no, nothing had ever happened but she had made advances which he had rejected and she was just jealous and acting a bit crazy. Based on other experiences with this particular girl, this was entirely believable!

She then came to me and told me that they were "seeing" each other, and that he ended it a few weeks ago and she couldn't understand why and now she knows it was because of me. He admitted it was true. There was a bit of overlap with the two of us but it turns out they were just drunken kissing on nights out and they never slept together (she has confirmed this). So really, what do I care if it's been over a while now?!

The problem is he lied about it. He says he lied because he knew I had a problem with this girl and he thought I would go ballistic and never speak to him again and he really likes me and was afraid I'd walk away. Which I can understand.. but he still lied to me.

He has apologised and told me everything and so has she and I really don't care what happened between them.. but should I trust him now after he lied to me?

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 4:23pm

Everybody lies to some extent. Mostly the lies aren't malicious, but to spare the feelings of the person being told the lie. Sometimes the lie is trivial but saves the liar a bit of hassle explaining the truth!

Whether or not you trust him is up to you.

LegacyUser · 18-12-2014 5:13pm

I don't think I could trust him again. The whole serial work colleague dater thing wouldn't sit well with me either, especially since it "overlapped". Ye're only casual so what happens when the next hot new office employee comes along? Will she "overlap" with you?

Celly Smunt · 18-12-2014 6:46pm

I'd say cut the lad some slack, you aren't exclusive and it was only an odd kiss. To be honest if I was in his position I wouldn't even class a drunken kiss every now and again as seeing somebody,the girl blew it out of proportion ,its not that he's lying to you perhaps but more that there was so little there with the other girl that it probably wasn't even worth mentioning.

Gneasnofada · 18-12-2014 7:12pm

It would really depend on the person. Someone that is a serial dater in the workplace needs their head tested. Have seen it blow up in guys faces big time. However, it sounds like it was completely exaggerated by the other person involved.

Surely he knew you'd find out. I'd say give him a chance but thread carefully for the time being.

Saralee4 · 18-12-2014 8:02pm

giggle84 wrote: »

I obviously had to wonder why so I asked him out straight if he'd been involved with her and he told me no, nothing had ever happened but she had made advances which he had rejected and she was just jealous and acting a bit crazy.
.

I think you should give him another chance and just see how it goes but be cautious.

He was casual with her, kissing her a couple of times but you have also mentioned that you two are not exclusive either and stated that you two were being very honest with one another yet he did lie. Does he have any intention of becoming exclusive with you eventually? Did he always seem interested in pursuing something with you even before when you were friends?

In the early stages of a relationship its not abnormal for someone to change their mind but in fairness to the girl, he was kissing her on nights out and leading her on, then just stopped, went off with you and then called her crazy and jealous. I just think its too easy for men to label a woman crazy and it seems to be kind of accepted. Even if he now admitted it, you still kind of think she is crazy.

Also it could be the fact that she only kissed him. Maybe she did not want to do more until it got more serious and he wasn't willing to do that so that's why he ditched her.

CaraMay · 18-12-2014 8:13pm

Walk away fast. It's not that he was kissing someone else as you aren't exclusive, although it is seedy that he is snogging ye on alternate nights not to mention unprofessional. What gets me is that he called her crazy and jealous while he told you a bare faced lie. What's he telling her about you? Are you already at the stage where you are checking what he says to see if it's true? This is not good. You can do better. Leave him to the he 'jealous / crazy' one.

strobe · 18-12-2014 8:27pm

I'm guessing you want to be more than not-exclusive?

I dunno, I don't think he owed you anything in terms of telling you who else he was with or anything like that if you view things as not exclusive and have conveyed to him that you are happy with that. It's really none of your business and asking him was bad form in my opinion. It's putting him on the spot without hoping on the spot yourself. If you want more, then let him know that and then it's a different ball game. But you can't have it, and shouldn't expect it, both ways. Putting it across that you're grand being non exclusive and then quizzing someone on whether or not they were with someone is really not the accepted etiquette.

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 9:37pm

strobe wrote: »

I'm guessing you want to be more than not-exclusive?

I dunno, I don't think he owed you anything in terms of telling you who else he was with or anything like that if you view things as not exclusive and have conveyed to him that you are happy with that. It's really none of your business and asking him was bad form in my opinion. It's putting him on the spot without hoping on the spot yourself. If you want more, then let him know that and then it's a different ball game. But you can't have it, and shouldn't expect it, both ways. Putting it across that you're grand being non exclusive and then quizzing someone on whether or not they were with someone is really not the accepted etiquette.

I agree it was none of my business and the only reason I asked was because she had such a dramatic reaction when she thought he was seeing me.

And no, we weren't exclusive because as I said we were both out of relationships and weren't in any rush, but it was going that way.

It absolutely does not bother me that he was kissing someone else around the same time as we started seeing each other, and I kind of get why he lied about it. I just don't know if I should forget about it, or see the lie as a warning sign and leg it!

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 9:44pm

Saralee4 wrote: »

I think you should give him another chance and just see how it goes but be cautious.

Does he have any intention of becoming exclusive with you eventually? Did he always seem interested in pursuing something with you even before when you were friends?

I just think its too easy for men to label a woman crazy and it seems to be kind of accepted. Even if he now admitted it, you still kind of think she is crazy.

Well he certainly seems like he wants to be exclusive with me. We used to flirt a bit but for most of our friendship before we were in other relationships.

And I totally agree, it is too easy to label women crazy and it really bugs me that I believed it! I don't think she's crazy, I think she might have exaggerated to me a bit at first because her feelings are hurt and I don't blame her.

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 9:48pm

CaraMay wrote: »

What gets me is that he called her crazy and jealous while he told you a bare faced lie. What's he telling her about you? Are you already at the stage where you are checking what he says to see if it's true? This is not good. You can do better. Leave him to the he 'jealous / crazy' one.

Yep that's what gets me so you may well be right and I should walk away.

Chucky the tree · 18-12-2014 9:52pm

Tough one. Lying is always a red flag but if I was in the guys position I'd probably have lied as well. Also I'd actually have been fairly pissed off for you even asking me if anything was going on.

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 9:58pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Tough one. Lying is always a red flag but if I was in the guys position I'd probably have lied as well. Also I'd actually have been fairly pissed off for you even asking me if anything was going on.

Fair point. But I did only ask because of her reaction, I never would have otherwise. And when I asked I said look I probably don't have a right to ask this but.. and he said no you do have a right to ask, she's the one who has no right to ask if I'm seeing you!

Chucky the tree · 18-12-2014 10:04pm

giggle84 wrote: »

Fair point. But I did only ask because of her reaction, I never would have otherwise. And when I asked I said look I probably don't have a right to ask this but.. and he said no you do have a right to ask, she's the one who has no right to ask if I'm seeing you!

I think the best way to decide is reverse the roles and see how you'd re-act in that situation. If you were casually scoring a guy in the office and you knew the other guy hated him. If you were asked the same question, how would you answer?(did you ask him in person or by text/email?) If you'd have 100% no question answered honestly and been happy to risk losing him then maybe best to end it.

strobe · 18-12-2014 10:09pm

Like pretty much every thread in here Giggle, I'm gonna give the same advice. Be absolutely honest with him. Tell him what you think and why. Then listen to what he has to say. Then take a little bit of time to think about it. Then let him know what you think about it.

Best of luck.

giggle84 · 18-12-2014 10:19pm

strobe wrote: »

Like pretty much every thread in here Giggle, I'm gonna give the same advice. Be absolutely honest with him. Tell him what you think and why. Then listen to what he has to say. Then take a little bit of time to think about it. Then let him know what you think about it.

Best of luck.

Thanks strobe. I have told him, and I've listened. I don't think he meant to upset anyone and he's sorry for lying to me, I believe that. And I think I can accept that he lied partly because he thought I'd walk, and partly for an easy life as people often do.

I guess I'm just afraid of being the stupid girl who was talked around and then he does it again!

CaraMay · 19-12-2014 12:37am

So why was he calling her crazy when it wasn't true? You are thinking with your nether regions rather than your brain op. Plenty of honest men out there. He isn't one.

Chucky the tree · 19-12-2014 12:39am

CaraMay wrote: »

So why was he calling her crazy when it wasn't true? You are thinking with your nether regions rather than your brain op. Plenty of honest men out there. He isn't one.

Because she claimed they were "seeing" each other when I suppose it wasn't true.

strobe · 19-12-2014 9:33am

CaraMay wrote: »

So why was he calling her crazy when it wasn't true? You are thinking with your nether regions rather than your brain op. Plenty of honest men out there. He isn't one.

Ah here, Cara, some girls, you smile at them once and have a bit of a kiss when you're hammered drunk and they run around talking to all and sundry like you're engaged and the world's greatest love affair has begun. It seems pretty seriously crazy at the time, trust me.

Saralee4 · 19-12-2014 10:53am

He was "good friends" with her to. Also you said that he "ended" it with her but it sounds like there was nothing to end? Also are you sure his "drunken kisses" with her didn't overlap with the relationship that he is just out of?

Anyway you are not going to know. I think you just have to go with your gut instinct on this. You are enjoying his company and you are tking things slowly since you both came out of relationships. It sounds like you believe him but just feel a little cautious now. I probably would be the same and I'd feel like I was overreacting if I ended it because of this. By the sounds of it you are going to keep going with it so only time will tell. If he is a player or whatever you call it, there will be other signs soon enough. If not, great.

CaraMay · 19-12-2014 11:30am

strobe wrote: »

Ah here, Cara, some girls, you smile at them once and have a bit of a kiss when you're hammered drunk and they run around talking to all and sundry like you're engaged and the world's greatest love affair has begun. It seems pretty seriously crazy at the time, trust me.

He was her good friend before they started to hook up. It's not a nice way to talk about your friends or your ex's.

giggle84 · 19-12-2014 12:11pm

Saralee4 wrote: »

It sounds like you believe him but just feel a little cautious now. I probably would be the same and I'd feel like I was overreacting if I ended it because of this.

This pretty much sums up exactly how I feel.

ABajaninCork · 20-12-2014 12:27am

OP - I'm going to go against the grain here and say 'Walk'. This guy seems too much like hard work. Added to the fact you all work together, and it could go seriously **** up. Then working together would be uncomfortable - Unless you hate your job and want to leave!

And I'm a great believer in the saying 'Never get your honey, where you get your money'. It's not a good look.

CaraMay · 20-12-2014 6:51am

ABajaninCork wrote: »

OP - I'm going to go against the grain here and say 'Walk'. This guy seems too much like hard work. Added to the fact you all work together, and it could go seriously **** up. Then working together would be uncomfortable - Unless you hate your job and want to leave!

And I'm a great believer in the saying 'Never get your honey, where you get your money'. It's not a good look.

Especially when the bee has already been working the hive

giggle84 · 20-12-2014 1:54pm

Thanks for all the comments and advice, it has really helped to see the various points of view.

Carlos Orange · 20-12-2014 3:11pm

CaraMay wrote: »

He was her good friend before they started to hook up. It's not a nice way to talk about your friends or your ex's.

A couple of drunken kisses on nights out (that presumably weren't even dates) is a lot closer to his story than hers and certainly wouldn't qualify her as his ex.

Anyway dating at work isn't a great idea even without possible love triangles. Probably best avoided.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2014 3:35pm

I don't see why people are at the OP because she asked him about it even though they're not exclusive. Who cares if you're exclusive!?! They all work together so she has a right to know if he's "seeing" other people who she has a working relationship with.

Personally, I think he's an idiot. What did he think he was going to achieve by lying to you about it? Obviously you would have found out sooner or later.

I don't know what you should do OP, but it all sounds like too much drama. I think if you decide to forget about him that he'll soon fall back on this other girl.

He lied.. should I trust him again?

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