The Cooking Disaster Thread

MissFlitworth · 18-09-2013 7:46pm

April O Neill wrote: »

But a lot of people probably assume you never need to use a sheet and don't read the instructions.

I think I went 'Boll0cks! Don't tell *me* what to do Chicago Town. Tch.....' and lashed it onto the shelf

MurdyWurdy · 18-09-2013 7:50pm

When my husband was at university and flat sharing they used to take it in turns to cook for each other. One night when it was his mate Ben's turn he decided to make a curry, one which needed natural yoghurt stirred in at the end. He realised he'd forgotten to get the yogurt so poured in a tub of low fat strawberry yoghurt instead and served it up to his unsuspecting flat mates. I believe there was vomiting

He still gets slagged about it to this day.

My worst disaster was Christmas dinner one year. I went with the friends we were eating the dinner with to the butcher to buy a frozen turkey. They took it home and I told them to let it thaw in the sink straught away. However they decided to put it in their freezer and only take it out the night before instead. I think we had Christmas dinner at 11pm or something like that. Moral of the story - if you're cooking it take the turkey home yourself!

TeletextPear · 18-09-2013 7:58pm

Once in college I got a fit of culinary inspiration and decided I'd make soda bread (big deal for someone who lived on McCain microwave chips for four years). Got my ingredients, made the dough, cut the cross in the top and bunged it into the oven. Without a tray. So I plopped the dough right onto the bars - dunno what I was thinking. That took some cleaning up. :rolleyes:

Alun · 18-09-2013 8:01pm

April O Neill wrote: »

My first attempt at beef stew back in the day: I didn't brown the meat, I didn't add stock, just water, I didn't sweat the onions and garlic, just added them to the water, I only simmered thw whole thing for an hour. Need I say any more?

That sounds like my mum's recipe for stew back when I was a kid (no garlic though!)

April O Neill · 18-09-2013 9:33pm

Alun wrote: »

That sounds like my mum's recipe for stew back when I was a kid (no garlic though!)

Well, technically, I shouldn't be adding garlic to stew.

decisions · 18-09-2013 9:51pm

Michellenman wrote: »

What is it about crumbles that throw people off?

Cumin instead of Cinnamon on my apple crumble

The Sweeper · 18-09-2013 10:49pm

Lemon meringue pie was the greatest cockup. Unset lemon curd and flat as a pancake foamy unset meringue in a pastry case. When I cut a slice, the filling all poured slowly but unstoppably out of it, leaving me with an empty pastry case and a puddle of lemon and meringue on the benchtop.

Mrs Fox · 18-09-2013 11:29pm

In Exile wrote: »

Only yesterday I was making mash potatoes after work. Cut them up, put them in a steamer over a pot of water and went about some other stuff. Came back 15-20 minutes later and there was an awful smell. Turns out I didn't put enough water into the pot. Water had evaporated and all I was doing was cooking the pot and the bottom of the steamer.

Had this disaster a few weeks ago and had to dump my wok. Some smell that was.

emc2 wrote: »

I once made a Pear Crumble with Salt instead of Sugar......and wondered why the crumble wasn't going brown! Nasty doesn't begin to describe it!

That reminds me of my stepdaughter's attempt on choc chip cookies. Looked the business but when I took a bite it tasted of playdoh made of seawater. She had read the scale wrong, instead of 3gm of salt she poured in 30gm.

iverjohnston · 18-09-2013 11:40pm

about 20 years ago my mates dad reared a monster of a turkey for Christmas. It must have weighted 30 lbs . It was so big, they couldn't get the door of the Stanley to close. For some reason, instead of cutting a lump off it, some one had to sit with their foot to the door while it cooked . Every one who dropped in during the day had to take a spell, good times though!

the beer revolu · 19-09-2013 9:49am

iverjohnston wrote: »

about 20 years ago my mates dad reared a monster of a turkey for Christmas. It must have weighted 30 lbs . It was so big, they couldn't get the door of the Stanley to close. For some reason, instead of cutting a lump off it, some one had to sit with their foot to the door while it cooked . Every one who dropped in during the day had to take a spell, good times though!

I discovered that it's not for no reason we're told to prick spuds allover before baking them!
I gave one a slight squeeze to see if it was done and it instantly exploded leaving me with just skin and a fluffy potato lined oven but, thankfully, no burns.

5unflower · 19-09-2013 12:50pm

This thread has certainly achieved what it set out to do: give me a chuckle this morning! And I can certainly relate to a lot of the disasters already mentioned...

Besides probably fairly common cake baking experiments, which simply didn't work and ended up as gloopy piles of inedible mess, a memorable kitchen failure was a straight forward savoury strudel I make regularly (basically mince rolled up in puff pastry). That particular day however I didn't pay attention to the oven settings and had accidentally turned on the grill function...and the timer set for half an hour...slightly alarmed by the smell I checked after 15 minutes or so to find the top of the strudel and the baking paper it was sitting on more or less incinerated with everything else uncooked...there was nothing to save!

And another time this came out of the oven...

It should have been some lovely coconut biscuits

Miaireland · 19-09-2013 4:26pm

My brother decided to make a sauce using mars bars for over ice cream. To this day I donot know how he managed it but the sauce set rock solid when it touched the ice cream. One of his friends lifted the sauce off the icecream and dropped it on the granite counter next to him. Big chuck out of the counter.

RhubarbCrumble · 19-09-2013 10:17pm

My brother used to share a house with two other guys a few years ago. They all worked different shifts so it was rare enough for more than one of them to be in the house at a time. However my brother got home one evening to discover his housemate "John" in the kitchen unpacking a few Tesco bags. John had a full chicken and said that he obviously wasn't going to eat it all himself and if my brother fancied some when it was cooked, he was more than welcome.

My brother said fine and headed off to the sitting room to watch tv. John, having put the chicken in the oven, went upstairs to have a shower. Shortly afterwards my brother could smell something odd coming from the kitchen, and went to check. John had indeed put the chicken in the oven, but not being a culinary expert didn't realise that you were supposed to take the plastic off it and take it out of the styrofoam tray first!!!!

leahyl · 19-09-2013 10:58pm

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

My brother used to share a house with two other guys a few years ago. They all worked different shifts so it was rare enough for more than one of them to be in the house at a time. However my brother got home one evening to discover his housemate "John" in the kitchen unpacking a few Tesco bags. John had a full chicken and said that he obviously wasn't going to eat it all himself and if my brother fancied some when it was cooked, he was more than welcome.

My brother said fine and headed off to the sitting room to watch tv. John, having put the chicken in the oven, went upstairs to have a shower. Shortly afterwards my brother could smell something odd coming from the kitchen, and went to check. John had indeed put the chicken in the oven, but not being a culinary expert didn't realise that you were supposed to take the plastic off it and take it out of the styrofoam tray first!!!!

Ah here, you have to be joking?!!

Stheno · 19-09-2013 11:06pm

leahyl wrote: »

Ah here, you have to be joking?!!

I'd believe it.

My OH can't/won't cook, so in days of old, he used make shepherds pie as follows:

1. Fry mince.
2. Throw in packet of shepherds pie mix.
3. Add in frozen peas/veg
4. Place in dish
5. Top with store bought frozen mashed potato

/shudder

RhubarbCrumble · 19-09-2013 11:14pm

leahyl wrote: »

Ah here, you have to be joking?!!

No, deadly serious unfortunately. Apparently it was that guys first time living away from home. He was just lucky that my brother was in the sitting room, otherwise by the time he'd come out of the shower the whole place could have gone up in flames.

He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.

Mrs Fox · 20-09-2013 1:16am

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.

Don't tell me he put the chicken in the washing machine afterwards?

leahyl · 20-09-2013 12:03pm

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

No, deadly serious unfortunately. Apparently it was that guys first time living away from home. He was just lucky that my brother was in the sitting room, otherwise by the time he'd come out of the shower the whole place could have gone up in flames.

He was quite a liability with the washing machine too by all accounts.

:eek: Good God

Toast4532 · 20-09-2013 3:52pm

One time when I was about 16 I wanted to cook dinner for my mother and granny so my mother said okay, as long as she or my granny was supervising me.

I went and got the ingredients, about €30 worth, came home and started making the meal, eventually after hours of cooking etc it was ready, and inedible.

Thankfully my cooking skills have improved a lot since then.

Another time my granny was cooking bacon but forgot to put water in the pot (or else didn't put enough in, not sure which) and all we could smell for days afterwards was burned bacon, it was sickening.

Another time she cooked a chicken at 260 degrees in the new oven and burnt the ****e out of it, my mother had some job cleaning the oven afterwards. Think it took three attempts before it was fully cleaned.

earlytobed · 20-09-2013 4:38pm

I cooked a green thai curry a few years ago. It was fine except the sauce was no way green, just a creamy colour. I added a few drops of green food colour which turned the chicken emerald green. looked like chunks of incredible hulk! tasted fine...honestly

The Black Oil · 21-09-2013 5:07pm

Is this thread to suggest there may be cooking disaster inspired swear words in use across the country? :pac:

Oryx · 21-09-2013 5:27pm

My first attempt to use xantham gum when baking was, eh... interesting.... I ended up with pastry dough that was more like industrial glue. My hand, the spoon, the mix and the bowl became one solid unit.

kylith · 23-09-2013 7:42am

Toast4532 wrote: »

Another time she cooked a chicken at 260 degrees in the new oven and burnt the ****e out of it, my mother had some job cleaning the oven afterwards. Think it took three attempts before it was fully cleaned.

My ex once decided to cook some honeyed chicken. I left him off until he mentioned that our oven didn't go high enough. Turns out he'd used an American recipe and didn't realise that they used Farenheit and had tried to set the oven to 330F. The chicken was completely black and welded to the dish; we had to throw the whole thing out.

My housemate dug the bits of chicken out of the honey/tar like substance, soaked it in water for two days to soften it, then ate it :eek:

Toast4532 · 23-09-2013 2:31pm

I forgot one.

I was about 13 and mum had brought home a stir fry pack of vegetables and got some chicken etc. so I took it upon myself to make red wine chicken stir-fry.

We had no red wine though so I used the juice from a jar of beetroot as the red wine.

When it was cooked my unsuspecting grandmother took a mouthful of food and juice and rapidly spat it out.

The look on her face was priceless.

Minder · 24-09-2013 7:24pm

Back in the day I used to flat share. One saturday I wanted to make a chilli, but when I got to the shops in the evening, there was no minced beef. There was a packet of minced venison so I thought what's the harm? I got home and made up the chilli. As I was cooking my flatmate arrived home with his girlfriend. We were all due to go out but he wanted to make a meal before going to the pub. Since the kitchen was a bit pokey, I offered to share the chilli, telling him it was made with venison. He accepted.

I finished the sauce, made a pot of rice and served it up to the other two in the living room. As we were tucking in, I said "tastes a lot like beef, doesn't it". My flatmates girlfriend, Karen, stops in mid forkful... "What'd mean, it tastes like beef. If its not beef, what is it? "Venison", I said. Whats venison? Deer. I didn't ask how expensive it was, what meat is it, says she. Deer meat. Blank look. Deer, you know, like bambi! I said helpfully. To say she was a little distressed would be an understatement. My flatmate had forgot to mention to his beloved that it was a venison chilli. I think she politely pushed it around the plate for a bit longer before declaring herself full....

Bless her, I think she went vegetarian not long after that.

confusticated · 24-09-2013 11:03pm

Once was reheating a pot of curry, couldn't work out why it wasn't even warm when the hob was turned up to the max heat...

Qp1hvZcs.jpg?1

because this was between the pot and the hob. Flat smelled like burnt cork for days.

kylith · 25-09-2013 9:17am

I once tried to make a pie crust with self raising flour.

I recently tried to bake bread in a slow cooker. It took two hours for the bottom to cook while the top remained a doughy mess. It sank to about an inch thick and was terribly dense. The dough had turned out really well too, I felt like a monster for wasting it.

Billy86 · 25-09-2013 11:20am

Miaireland wrote: »

My brother decided to make a sauce using mars bars for over ice cream. To this day I donot know how he managed it but the sauce set rock solid when it touched the ice cream. One of his friends lifted the sauce off the icecream and dropped it on the granite counter next to him. Big chuck out of the counter.

Whenever you melt chocolate, ALWAYS add butter or cream to the mixture!! Still fascinating, mind...

Stheno wrote: »

I'd believe it.

My OH can't/won't cook, so in days of old, he used make shepherds pie as follows:

1. Fry mince.
2. Throw in packet of shepherds pie mix.
3. Add in frozen peas/veg
4. Place in dish
5. Top with store bought frozen mashed potato

/shudder

This stuff drives me mad. It's first of all cheaper and not much more hassle in the least to do it right... but why do some men get so intimidated by the idea of cooking? It's really f***ig easy!! I lived in Perth for a while with three friends. One was decent at cooking, so no bothers there. But whenever one of us was making the dinner, we'd be dragging one of the other two over to show them "Look! It's not rocket science! Chop, stir, put in bowl, put in oven/pot/pan! Done!!!"

Eventually the got the hang of it... which we then regretted. Being the 'cook' in the "I cook, you clean" arrangement is the be the beneficiary of one of the most lopsided agreements in domestic history. :v

If anyone here always buys Dolmio for their bolognese, try this instead: http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/easy-peasy-bolognese-sauce-443 and add bits of whatever extra spices you like most at the end. You won't be able to eat Dolmio without a little dry-heave motion ever again.

decisions · 25-09-2013 1:28pm

I absolutely ruined my dinner lasts night. I was making chilli, I had all the ingredients prepped when I realised I had no fresh chillis or chilli powder. I did however have an unopened bottle of habanero dipping sauce from Aldi, so I thought I'll just cool everything else off normally and then I'll stir in some of the Aldi sauce at the end to give it a kick. What I didn't do was test how spicy it was, I just put in about 2tbs. How hot could it be right?

It burned the mouth off me, had to bin the lot of it and went to the chipper instead

Oryx · 25-09-2013 1:37pm

decisions wrote: »

I absolutely ruined my dinner lasts night. I was making chilli, I had all the ingredients prepped when I realised I had no fresh chillis or chilli powder. I did however have an unopened bottle of habanero dipping sauce from Aldi, so I thought I'll just cool everything else off normally and then I'll stir in some of the Aldi sauce at the end to give it a kick. What I didn't do was test how spicy it was, I just put in about 2tbs. How hot could it be right?

It burned the mouth off me, had to bin the lot of it and went to the chipper instead

I did that lately with a spicy sauce. I put a pint of cream in it to cool it down, and it was still too hot.

The Cooking Disaster Thread

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