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Is there a compromise we can come to?

2

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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    @ bp. When i said accepted i meant the pregnancy, as in we both accepted it had happened and looked forward to being parents.


    I appreciate all of your advice. My head is agreeing 100% with you all but it's so hard to let him go. I actually considered offering him the one night hall pass again if it would get it out of his system, but thankfully I didn't. Things are still up in the air, we sat down and spoke again tonight and i put my foot down. He needs to choose which he wants more: us or to be single. I told him to imagine in detail how both scenarios will play out realistically and which one he would regret. I said it's not my decision but his and he needs to think carefully.

    One of the parts i find the hardest is having to give up my time with our son. We both work full time and will both want the weekends and it kills me to have to give up half of that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    You have a good head on your shoulders, I hope this works out for you as a family


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    I can't offer additional advice but admire the level of respect you have for both you and your child by not tolerating this.

    It's difficult when you love someone and a person with lesser strength & self esteem could be manipulated by this selfish fool. You often see threads on the level of nonsense & manipulation people accept because they are blinded by love.

    Not easy but you & your child are much better off without him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 46 nlk


    OP I echo what other posters have said about not entertaining this year long festival of disrespect and torture your partner has suggested and I'm glad you are resolute against it.

    This may not be what you want to hear but I feel the horse has already bolted. I don't think you should sit and wait for him to choose you or these imaginary flings he's planning on having. The fact that he even has to think about it means its over IMO.

    Never waste your time on anyone who makes you doubt their feelings for you. He is doing that in spades,

    If I were you I would take the power back and walk away from him, rather than sit and wait for him to do it. Even if he chooses you now there's too much doubt created for you to have any semblance of a healthy relationship going forward and whose to say when the mood for being foot loose and fancy free might grab him again?

    You are young and seem to have a good head on your shoulders as others have said. You deserve better and I've no doubt there's better out there for you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,119 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Your partner has already checked out of the relationship to even suggest this in my opinion. It sounds like he's already decided what he intends to do, he's just giving you the heads up and offering you the option of being considered as his fall back plan if he has gotten bored of single-hood after a year.

    He probably hasn't fully registered the extent of what he's throwing away but that's his own short-sightedness, let him regret his choice at his own leisure. If you were to accept this now, it would only tech him your feelings are not of any consequence. Do not entertain this plan, leave him to it with your head held high and don't look back.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Absolutely. If he stays with you, do you think it would be out of love, now that he told you he wants other women? No - it would only be because you're more convenient. For a while.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He chose to be single...


  • Registered Users Posts: 261 ✭✭Dee01


    I'm so sorry OP.

    This won't help much now, but after his behaviour towards you, I think you deserve better than him. Look after yourself over the coming weeks and months.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I'm sorry to read this but I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure in the days, weeks and months ahead you'll ask yourself did you do the right thing by issuing him the ultimatum. In my opinion you have saved yourself a more prolonged form of agony. He ruined your relationship the moment those words came out of his mouth. There was never going to be a way back from them, regardless of whether he got his time away to sow his wild oats or had chosen go stay. Even if he had said he was going to stay, there was always going to be that niggling doubt in your mind about him.

    I really feel for you at this awful time. None of this is your fault and it's a tragedy that you're suffering now. Don't be afraid to turn to your family and friends for help and support. Take care. I hope things will work out for you.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I'm so sorry op. This is so hard on you. I'm just glad he didn't pretend with you and, as hard as it is, he was honest.

    Let him talk to your child about the break up and make sure you agree access etc early on including him taking the child for nights.

    On top of that, when people ask what happened tell them the truth. You don't need to hide anything.

    Best of luck op


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  • Registered Users Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    I'm so sorry to hear that, OP. You seem like a great girl, mature, responsible, and loving. I agree with the others that you will meet someone more deserving of you, and that this will be a massive period of hurt, but growth as well.

    You sound awesome. You ARE awesome. You will, in time, (bc you're also young and hot and time is totally on your side!) meet someone who will truly honor you and appreciate you, and not need to seek out greener pastures.

    Stay strong, keep your chin up, you and your son will get through this. X


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    I'm sorry to hear that OP. But after what he said a clean breakup is the best solution. I wish you luck in having the strength to keep it clean as he seems the type to keep messing with your head!


  • Registered Users Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    CaraMay wrote: »
    On top of that, when people ask what happened tell them the truth. You don't need to hide anything.

    +1 to this. No need to go into any gory details, but this is fairly black and white. You have nothing to hide, and this wasn't your decision, so you can tell the simple truth about the situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    One of the parts i find the hardest is having to give up my time with our son. We both work full time and will both want the weekends and it kills me to have to give up half of that.


    OP, maybe I'm completely wrong in this but giving the circumstances, I don't think he has the right to make demands in this. He was the one who chose to walk away from his family for idiotic reasons, he was the emotionally manipulative one. As the relationship shouldn't have been on his terms, I don't think access should be whenever he wants either. It's not like you broke up because you fell out of love, or for any other unavoidable reason. You broke up because he wanted to put his family on hold in order to do what he wants. He showed no regard for either you or your child and as a result, I don't think his whims should be catered to. If it was me, I would be setting the time when he can have access and sticking to it. If he wants every weekend, tough. Give him every second weekend. He doesn't get to be in a relationship with you when it suits him, he doesn't get to be a father when it suits him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭nikkibikki


    I'm heartbroken for you OP. I really am. And for your child. But this is his thing, not yours. He's the one who needs to be embarrassed. He has effed up his family. Please don't blame yourself. You offered him the one night pass and that wasn't enough. I don't think there's any going back from this for ye. I think he will come to regret what he did and beg to come back. Please don't take him back. There is someone better for you out there. I'd advise to get some counselling for yourself to help you through this.

    Will be thinking of you.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    sup_dude wrote: »
    OP, maybe I'm completely wrong in this but giving the circumstances, I don't think he has the right to make demands in this. He was the one who chose to walk away from his family for idiotic reasons, he was the emotionally manipulative one. As the relationship shouldn't have been on his terms, I don't think access should be whenever he wants either. It's not like you broke up because you fell out of love, or for any other unavoidable reason. You broke up because he wanted to put his family on hold in order to do what he wants. He showed no regard for either you or your child and as a result, I don't think his whims should be catered to. If it was me, I would be setting the time when he can have access and sticking to it. If he wants every weekend, tough. Give him every second weekend. He doesn't get to be in a relationship with you when it suits him, he doesn't get to be a father when it suits him.

    I can understand the temptation to think like this, but unfortunately the only one who will suffer in a scenario where parents are battling over access, is the child. In any case, its quite likely that the OP's ex will be happy enough to have his weekends to himself again so may not be chasing access or demanding 50/50 custody. Hard to live it up as a single dude when you have a baby to look after.

    OP, I'm sorry to hear that he made that decision, but like Cara says, it was pretty much in the pipeline when he suggested his year off. I know you are hurting, and I know this is hard. And he will likely come crawling back at some point. But that's not your problem right now. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and be kind to yourself right now.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Neyite wrote:
    I can understand the temptation to think like this, but unfortunately the only one who will suffer in a scenario where parents are battling over access, is the child. In any case, its quite likely that the OP's ex will be happy enough to have his weekends to himself again so may not be chasing access or demanding 50/50 custody. Hard to live it up as a single dude when you have a baby to look after.

    Baring in mind though, a child can nearly always understand the mood behind actions, even if the circumstances aren't understood.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    OP I am so sorry to hear this. You honestly sound like an amazing mother, partner and person. This was a complete reflection on him and his issues, nothing you did or didn't do.

    If people ask, keep it simple and honest: he wanted to be single, you have no blame in this.

    You sound like the type of person who will do what is best for your son, ensure even access, and make sure you enjoy your life too. He is still a father first so he must take every second weekend or whatever is agreed. Rely on your family and friends (and boards if necessary) for support.

    Good luck, let the tears and emotions come as they will pass.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I don't agree with punishing him by restricting access to their child. That's so petty and destructive and only hurts the child. Parents problems should not be brought into the child's relationship with his dad.

    People may think he 'effed up' his family but he hasn't. He would have really effed them up if he had stayed there and been lying and cheating. While it's sad for the op, I think he went about it in the only way possible.

    He will probably come back but I would never take him back.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I don't agree with punishing him by restricting access to their child. That's so petty and destructive and only hurts the child. Parents problems should not be brought into the child's relationship with his dad.

    People may think he 'effed up' his family but he hasn't. He would have really effed them up if he had stayed there and been lying and cheating. While it's sad for the op, I think he went about it in the only way possible.

    He will probably come back but I would never take him back.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    sup_dude wrote: »
    OP, maybe I'm completely wrong in this but giving the circumstances, I don't think he has the right to make demands in this. He was the one who chose to walk away from his family for idiotic reasons, he was the emotionally manipulative one. As the relationship shouldn't have been on his terms, I don't think access should be whenever he wants either. It's not like you broke up because you fell out of love, or for any other unavoidable reason. You broke up because he wanted to put his family on hold in order to do what he wants. He showed no regard for either you or your child and as a result, I don't think his whims should be catered to. If it was me, I would be setting the time when he can have access and sticking to it. If he wants every weekend, tough. Give him every second weekend. He doesn't get to be in a relationship with you when it suits him, he doesn't get to be a father when it suits him.


    This sounds really petty and vindictive. The child shouldn't suffer. I don't understand the level of vitriol aimed at the boyfriend. He's not happy in the relationship and he's decided to leave. It's the best decision for both parties and the child.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    CaraMay wrote:
    I don't agree with punishing him by restricting access to their child. That's so petty and destructive and only hurts the child. Parents problems should not be brought into the child's relationship with his dad.


    Not at all what I said or meant.

    If the OPs ex sees nothing wrong with putting a relationship to the side for a year and then not only sees nothing wrong with picking it up again after a year of galavanting, but is also doing it as he feels he has the right to due to the OPs past, I can see him also applying that to parenting. He can't be a father when it suits him. He can't have access on weekends just because he wants weekends. The OP needs to lay down the law on access. It was him who walked away for ridiculous reasons, he doesn't get to dictate the terms.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭nikkibikki


    CaraMay wrote:
    People may think he 'effed up' his family but he hasn't. He would have really effed them up if he had stayed there and been lying and cheating. While it's sad for the op, I think he went about it in the only way possible.


    He could have also put his selfish desires to one side and concentrated on being a father and partner. He said he loves her. Or he could have just broken up with her instead of saying he wanted a year out etc. He should have had more respect for the mother of his child than to expect her to put her life on hold while he sleeps with whoever he wants instead of saying she's being difficult about it!

    I don't think anyone was suggesting she with hold access, the suggestion as I understood it was to just not pander to what he wants and says he needs that they can work something out that's mutually convenient and not just convenient for him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    the ideas he has in mind might be an option for a couple with no children. If both parties are open for it and agree on it, ok. but with a child involved?? it's unbelievable selfish and immature of this guy. he doesn't seem to think too much about his son. how is he with him in general? caring?
    this could be an eye opener for you.

    It's a tough situation to be in, it's very hard to give advice here, but you sound like a person with your head screwed on so I think at the end you'll make the right decision.

    all the best for you


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    The year break was the most stupid proposal ever put out there but it's wrong to assume that him leaving the relationship has any impact on how he feels about his child.

    His 'selfish desires'. The guy can't manufacture feelings and it would be terrible of him to stay with his partner and pretend. It would be wasting her time too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    CaraMay wrote:
    The year break was the most stupid proposal ever put out there but it's wrong to assume that him leaving the relationship has any impact on how he feels about his child.


    His relationship included the child though, and he wanted his family to sit and wait until he decided he was ready to be part of it. It's not too out there to assume he may also want to apply that to child access and to be prepared for if he does.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    sup_dude wrote: »
    His relationship included the child though, and he wanted his family to sit and wait until he decided he was ready to be part of it. It's not too out there to assume he may also want to apply that to child access and to be prepared for if he does.

    That's ridiculous as his child will always be there so there's nothing to indicate a break from that relationship. All you are doing is putting negative ideas into the op's head about her ex's intentions when you have no actual clue what they are.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    CaraMay wrote:
    That's ridiculous as his child will always be there so there's nothing to indicate a break from that relationship. All you are doing is putting negative ideas into the op's head about her ex's intentions when you have no actual clue what they are.


    I don't believe it's ridiculous at all and from what the OP has indicated about her ex's character, it has a real possibility of it happening. If it doesn't happen, then there's absolutely nothing to worry about because she won't need to do anything. However, wanting to sleep with other people because your partner in the past has (leaving behind both partner and child), expecting the relationship to go back to normal after a year (for both partner and child. A lot changes in a year for children), and doing so to "forgive" the OP as though it is the OPs fault this is happening... these are not normal behaviours and stink of emotional manipulation. He has shown a complete disregard for the wellbeing of the child.

    Now I'm the first to say that parents should break up in a bad relationship. However, the circumstances around this suggest that the OPs ex is selfish and thinks primarily of himself. He may have a very high opinion of the child, but his actions don't suggest that and from the posts thus far, there is more to suggest that he would put himself and his whims before the child than there is to suggest he wouldn't.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    sup_dude wrote: »
    I don't believe it's ridiculous at all and from what the OP has indicated about her ex's character, it has a real possibility of it happening. If it doesn't happen, then there's absolutely nothing to worry about because she won't need to do anything. However, wanting to sleep with other people because your partner in the past has (leaving behind both partner and child), expecting the relationship to go back to normal after a year (for both partner and child. A lot changes in a year for children), and doing so to "forgive" the OP as though it is the OPs fault this is happening... these are not normal behaviours and stink of emotional manipulation. He has shown a complete disregard for the wellbeing of the child.

    Now I'm the first to say that parents should break up in a bad relationship. However, the circumstances around this suggest that the OPs ex is selfish and thinks primarily of himself. He may have a very high opinion of the child, but his actions don't suggest that and from the posts thus far, there is more to suggest that he would put himself and his whims before the child than there is to suggest he wouldn't.


    Sorry, but where did the OP say this was the reason?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Augme wrote:
    Sorry, but where did the OP say this was the reason?

    Here:
    In the first year or two of going out I actually told him that he could have one night to do what he wanted with no repercussions if it would make him accept my past more. I told him if he was going to do it, it would have been better then than down the line, like now! He said that's not what he wanted, but apparently it is.


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