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Is there a compromise we can come to?
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02-02-2016 3:45pm#1Before meeting my boyfriend I had 2 not very serious, short term relationships and had slept with a few guys. We were friends for a year first and he told me a few months before we got into a relationship that he was a virgin (we were both still teenagers). My past bothered him for a long time (maybe 2-3 yrs) and I spent that time apologising for it and genuinely regretting it.
Fast forward seven years and we have a child together, saving for a mortgage, beginning to make solid plans of when/where we'd like to buy and he brought up the subject of having another baby in the near future. I thought we were happier than we'd ever been.
Then last week he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more. He said he wants the freedom of being single and the curiosity is beginning to get the better of him. He said that he has no previous relationships to compare ours to and he only knows what it's like to be with me. He said that he's afraid that if he stays with me he might not have the will power to say no to a girl some night and end up cheating on me. But he doesn't want to lose me. He wants to take a long (up to a year) break so that he can get it out of his system, and then get back together for good. To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement.
I told him that there's no way that I could do that. That if he's going to break up with me it will be for good. I can't go through the heartbreak of a break-up, wonder what he is doing and who with for a year, and then pick up where we left off as if nothing had ever happened. He's torn now because he doesn't want to give me up but he desperately wants to be single. I feel like if he stays with me he will resent me for forcing him to stay, but I can't bare the thought of losing him either. He's all I have ever wanted. Is there any kind of a compromise or a solution that we can come to? I've left the ball in his court to decide but I've told him all of my thoughts and feelings and told him to think long and hard before he makes his final decision.1
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I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm afraid I don't really have very much advice for you. The only thing I can think of is that some counselling to talk through what he thinks he's missing might help.
My opinion is that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's happy with you and your family, but he's worried that there might be something better out there. He wants to keep you on the back burner in case there's not.
This is his decision to make, but I think you're right with your ultimatum. I wouldn't give him a year to mess around with whoever and then start back up again.
The best of luck op. I hope things can be resolved.0 -
He might never be back. So he'd keep you hanging and guessing for a year or whatever, and then he'd dump you for good.
He needs to make up his mind, you're right.0 -
I think that its actually a good thing that he told you this rather than cheating on you. Unless he already has and wants to start seeing this woman.
All relationships can enter a stagnation period where the grass seems greener.
It certainly is not.
I would definetly stick to your mantra that if he thinks he is going to find better then off with him but the door with you guys will be closed.0 -
I think you've handled it the best you can so far. He wants to have it every way - a period of messing about plus having a stable relationship to fall back on when he tires of that. I'd hold your ground on this. I don't buy this 'going on a break' nonsense. It's usually more trouble than it's worth. If he wants to go and do his own thing, fine, but that would mean a break up, for me.0
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1. Don't apologise for your past, it's the past
2. How would he feel if after the year you were off checking out the grass too....does he expect you to sit at home knitting
3. Stick to your guns, he cannot leave you hanging for a year....what if he gets someone pregnant/ someone gets you pregnant
I would agree with counselling, this is his issue, not yours. I have only had sex with one person and I am perfectly happy and it doesn't bother me my other half had sex with others....it was before we met0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 25439
He wants to have his cake and eat it.
Life is all about choice. This degree course or that one. This job or that one. This relationship or something different. He's using the fact that you were not a virgin in the beginning and he was as some sort of illogical leverage to pursue other women in front of you.
The fact that he thinks he's owed this kind of experience at your expense is troubling, as is the fact that he thinks its absolutely fine to bring it up with you as a suggestion. What is he going to do if you said no? Cheat anyway because he's owed it?
He's a dad now. And he'd want to cop the hell on. He wants to rip a family apart, have his partner go through hell and back, have his child right in the middle of all that domestic strife, while he comes and goes as he pleases shagging to his hearts content? Please.
I think that even if he eventually decides against going off on this gap year he's dreamt up, its given you serious food for thought as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with. Luckily before you signed up to a lifelong mortgage with him.0 -
Hi OP,
IMO it's sadly a non-starter.
In other words, it's over. Your OH wants a sniff of pastures new, and there is nothing to be done here but extricate yourself from him as smoothly and painlessly as possible.
My opinion is based on nothing more than my experience of the world, but I would say once a person gets all fidgety, the game is up. There is no going back. Not even with a whole heap of counselling. Restless and horny is restless and horny.
Besides, what compromise could you possibly envisage here? This is all about him wanting to shag other women. Let that sink in. So you shouldn't be lowering yourself to any kind of compromise when it comes to that, surely it goes without saying.
It's his outlook, compromise my foot. It is his responsibility that he got himself into a serious relationship and started a family young and inexperienced, and so consequently it is him who should be able to deal with the reality of being in a committed monogamous relationship as a decent grown up, or simply get out of your way and let you have your own life and future, and someone who will be that kind of partner to you. They're the only two choices here, OP.
He's heard the call of the wild now, and if he stays under the yoke of the responsibility that he obviously doesn't want or think the trade-off (having a lovely little family) worth it any more, this will honestly be just kicking the can down the road, there will be resentment, and he will end up cheating or leave anyway (or both).
I'd tell him it's over, show him the door and wish him luck. You are very young, OP. You will love again, and you will find a man who will love and want only you and who won't give a moment's thought to shagging other women, let alone consider it a sacrifice not to. And all that will be nothing less than you deserve, or indeed than anyone deserves.0 -
How's your sex life in general? Your predicament sounds quite similar to the lady who's stopped fancying her boyfriend and has started being attracted to other people. It's possible that your boyfriend is just bored in your current relationship and thinks that his lack of sex life with other people is the problem.0
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Even considering this as a serious and viable option and putting it to you as such says a lot about him. There is no compromise with a selfish person like this, I suspect if you agree the goalposts will keep changing to suit himself. It's up to you if you think he's worth it but if you agree you are basically giving him permission to treat you like dirt. You shod respect yourself enough to say it's unacceptable.0
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Do not ever apologize for your sexual history ever!! It's not your fault he was a virgin when you met , let him off op , but please do not be waiting in him to come back while you wait at home for a call or text saying he is sorry I hope during this time you get a good night out with friends you are deserving of more and if in time you both get back together then so be it but please do not wait on him ...0
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OP, (assuming you still want to be together as a family) make sure you get him in front of a mirror to look at you, your child, and him all together as a family before he makes his decision to rip the family apart.
Make sure he understands thats what he's losing if he decides to go. Maybe that will make him wake up a bit and see some sense.0 -
there is no reason to compromise and he is being very immature with his suggestion, the fact that he wasnt your first seems like a bit of a red herring. A difficulty I see is that it looks like you have been with him since he was ~18 and he is now mid twenties with a kid so I could imagine he might be wondering if he has made the right life choices? in saying that I assume you had a good time together up until now so he ought not be full of regrets either.
was your child planned? was he 100% behind it at the time? it seems odd that he is suggesting that he can tap out for a year and somehow leave you looking after a child, I dont think I have ever heard of such a thing, the whole joy of having a kid is having a joint project and experiencing it together. He is being selfish and shortsighted nowA belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer
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This is a very selfish and strange request op. I can understand that he want to experience new things but he has a child and family with you. It's too late for a year out to shag around and expect you to wait for him. Perhaps he feels jealous and insecure about your past but that is his issue and you shouldn't be apologising for it.
I also had a child with my partner at a young age and it's scary. There were times when I wanted my freedom back and felt that I was missing out on things. Hopefully he sees sense and makes the right choice though I suspect if he feels strongly enough about it to bring it up then your relationship is in big trouble. He may well go off on his little adventure and come crawling back in a matter of weeks when he realises what he has given up but the hurt he will have caused you won't be easily mended. I hope things work out for you whatever happens.0 -
CanWeCompromise wrote: »ment.
I told him that there's no way that I could do that. That if he's going to break up with me it will be for good. I can't go through the heartbreak of a break-up, wonder what he is doing and who with for a year, and then pick up where we left off as if nothing had ever happened. He's torn now because he doesn't want to give me up but he desperately wants to be single. I feel like if he stays with me he will resent me for forcing him to stay, but I can't bare the thought of losing him either.
He's being a dickhead and he has some notions that one night stands are a vital life experience that he's missing out on.
Does he seriously expect you to sit at home and mind the kids while he's out chatting up strangers? Then act like nothing has happened? How could you rationalise that to yourself?
You're not forcing him to stay. It's his idea to begin with. You're just doing what any sane person would do telling him he's living in a fantasy land.0 -
And and also make sure he realises he will have his child half the week and still need to pay support for the child's up keep....so a second rent, second esb bill etc.
He cannot just come and go from his child's life as he pleases. I hope a good chat would make him realise what he has to lose. There are plenty of threads from men who went searching for greener pastures only to realise it was the same s*it, different person.
Also does he plan on finding a virgin to sleep with??? If so he will probably find someone with more experience than himself which he doesn't seem to want0 -
CanWeCompromise wrote: »Then last week he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more. He said he wants the freedom of being single and the curiosity is beginning to get the better of him. He said that he has no previous relationships to compare ours to and he only knows what it's like to be with me. He said that he's afraid that if he stays with me he might not have the will power to say no to a girl some night and end up cheating on me.
He's torn now because he doesn't want to give me up but he desperately wants to be single.
I'm very sorry OP, but I don't know how you come back from this (bolded). To be honest, all the rest is just window dressing on his incredibly immature avoidance of responsibility for his feelings.
Into the future, even if he did decide to try and get over himself, how can you build a future together as a family when he's more in love with his own "lack" of choice than he is with you? Sorry to be so blunt. My only advice is that you continue to not let him make this about what you decide because this is his fcuk-up, not your's. I hope you have good friends and family around you for support during this really hard time for you....0 -
I am sorry to say, but this looks very bad from here.
Does he intend to keep dipping back into your lives during the year when he feels like a chat, feels a bit lonely or wants some intimacy with you? This imo would really mean he wanted to have his cake and eat it...
Another REALLY important question is whether he will accept you meeting other men, sleeping with them, maybe bringing them home? If he was jealous of your past, I can't see him feeling too happy about it. His reaction to this will tell you a lot.
Overall though, it sounds like you deserve better than this.0 -
OP,
I am sorry to say but the moment he said he feels like he hasn't 'experienced enough' and is considering ending your relationship for a year (as if he's allowed to play god with your family!) is the moment he put an enormous rift in your lives.
If it was me, I would show him the door and tell him you won't be there when his year is up.
I think if he truly loved you this wouldn't be an option. Hugs to you.0 -
Hi OP,
IMO it's sadly a non-starter.
In other words, it's over. Your OH wants a sniff of pastures new, and there is nothing to be done here but extricate yourself from him as smoothly and painlessly as possible.
My opinion is based on nothing more than my experience of the world, but I would say once a person gets all fidgety, the game is up. There is no going back. Not even with a whole heap of counselling. Restless and horny is restless and horny.
Besides, what compromise could you possibly envisage here? This is all about him wanting to shag other women. Let that sink in. So you shouldn't be lowering yourself to any kind of compromise when it comes to that, surely it goes without saying.
It's his outlook, compromise my foot. It is his responsibility that he got himself into a serious relationship and started a family young and inexperienced, and so consequently it is him who should be able to deal with the reality of being in a committed monogamous relationship as a decent grown up, or simply get out of your way and let you have your own life and future, and someone who will be that kind of partner to you. They're the only two choices here, OP.
He's heard the call of the wild now, and if he stays under the yoke of the responsibility that he obviously doesn't want or think the trade-off (having a lovely little family) worth it any more, this will honestly be just kicking the can down the road, there will be resentment, and he will end up cheating or leave anyway (or both).
I'd tell him it's over, show him the door and wish him luck. You are very young, OP. You will love again, and you will find a man who will love and want only you and who won't give a moment's thought to shagging other women, let alone consider it a sacrifice not to. And all that will be nothing less than you deserve, or indeed than anyone deserves.
If a person is feeling restless and wondering what else is out there that feeling wont go away too easily. You might be able to persuade him to stay but he will get restless again and this wont be good for you or him, it will erode at your self respect. Tell him to make up his mind but I wouldn't be giving him the option for leaving the door open for him. Good luck, I hope that in the long-term its a happy outcome for you.0 -
Hi everybody, OP here. Thanks for all of the replies. I can't quote a lot of you so just to answer a few of the questions.
@ bp "How would he feel if after the year you were off checking out the grass too....does he expect you to sit at home knitting"
I asked him this. He said that he'd be ok with taking me back if I get with other people but I told him I have no desire to get with anyone else at the moment but that I don't believe he'd be ok with it judging by the past. I also told him I don't think we could get our relationship back to what it was if we had both been with other people in the middle of it.
@ Neyite "The fact that he thinks he's owed this kind of experience at your expense is troubling, as is the fact that he thinks its absolutely fine to bring it up with you as a suggestion. What is he going to do if you said no? Cheat anyway because he's owed it?"
In the first year or two of going out I actually told him that he could have one night to do what he wanted with no repercussions if it would make him accept my past more. I told him if he was going to do it, it would have been better then than down the line, like now! He said that's not what he wanted, but apparently it is.
@Neyite "He's a dad now. And he'd want to cop the hell on. He wants to rip a family apart, have his partner go through hell and back, have his child right in the middle of all that domestic strife, while he comes and goes as he pleases shagging to his hearts content?"
& @osarusan "OP, (assuming you still want to be together as a family) make sure you get him in front of a mirror to look at you, your child, and him all together as a family before he makes his decision to rip the family apart."
This is what I'm trying to make him see. I'm trying to show him that it's not just me he's affecting. What will I even tell people our reason for breaking up is because I don't want there to be a rift between my family and friends towards him, making things difficult. And I don't want it getting back to our son that we weren't enough for him.
@Augmee "How's your sex life in general? Your predicament sounds quite similar to the lady who's stopped fancying her boyfriend and has started being attracted to other people. It's possible that your boyfriend is just bored in your current relationship and thinks that his lack of sex life with other people is the problem."
I think that it's good. He has no lack of it, but I suppose the same old same old can get boring. It's obviously not as much or as exciting as when we got together first, but that's normal.
@silverharp "A difficulty I see is that it looks like you have been with him since he was ~18 and he is now mid twenties with a kid so I could imagine he might be wondering if he has made the right life choices? in saying that I assume you had a good time together up until now so he ought not be full of regrets either. was your child planned? was he 100% behind it at the time?"
Ya we had our son at 18 and are almost mid 20's now so I can see how he might feel like that. It wasn't a planned pregnancy but he accepted it and loves our son. He was unsure if he wanted more kids but only recently said that he does want another child soon, so it's not like I've been pressuring him, he suggested it. I always wanted more but accepted that we might not have more if he didn't want that. So that's why I'm so confused about this too. I asked if he feels like things are moving too quickly all of a sudden but he said that's not it.
@DoctorBoo "Does he intend to keep dipping back into your lives during the year when he feels like a chat, feels a bit lonely or wants some intimacy with you?"
I've been cruel to be kind in telling him exactly how it's going to be if we break up. I've told him there will be nothing, not even a kiss, I won't be spending time with him other than doing things with our son, and that he can't be ringing me for a chat before bed. He thinks I'm making things difficult but I want him to know exactly what he's giving up.
He's an impulsive person so the part I'm most afraid of is that he's rushing into this decision, and will regret it when it's too late meaning that he has destroyed a family and upset us all for no reason. It upsets me that I told him so many times in the beginning that if he wasn't happy then to leave before it was too late. Now I've invested so much in him, our son even knows it was getting more serious as we were talking to him about a new house for the three of us and he has been asking a lot for a sibling lately. It just feels like he has wasted our time and gotten our hopes up just before dumping us.0 -
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There's no point trying to hold on to him op. I know it's very hard on you but being in a relationship is risky especially when it starts to young. I'm not undermining your pain op but he's not doing anything wrong. He's talking to you and not cheating on you and he has to be given credit for that.
His idea that you should wait is pants. You would be mad to agree to that. At this point I wouldn't be trying to talk him out of it and I would be pulling the plug myself. Tell him it's finished and for good, not because you want to trick him into staying but because it's pointless holding on to someone who wants to be single.
You will get over this but treat it as a marriage break up - agree maintenance and access and make sure he sticks to it. At minimum he needs to have the child 2 nights per week to give you a break and let you enjoy single life too. Don't be tempted to use your child to punish him. The only one who will suffer then is the child.
This is v hard op but you will get through it. Good luck0 -
I think he has a bit of cheek to act like you're the one who's making things difficult. He's the one who wants to put his partner and child on hold while he goes and has a bit of fun for a year, and expects you to just be on board with that and ready to just welcome him back into the fold whenever he's good and ready.0
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After seeing your last post I can't believe how much this guy has manipulated you. Why in the name of God would you offer him a hall pass for a night? Op with all due respect you do need to work on your self esteem if you are willing to settle for that treatment.
It's very possible that he has someone in mind so you need to brace yourself if a 'new gf' suddenly appears. It will be very hard but this guy doesn't sound like healthy life partner material.0 -
Op I feel so bad for you because you really think yourself that your past is an issue , I'm horrified at how much your partner wants to be with other people , it is actually terrible , you do realise nothing will ever be the same again since he has mentioned this break .
You and your child deserve so much better op , I hope he knows that you will cut him out of your life completely get him to collect your child from a grandparent house or mutual friend.
Wishing you all the best and your confidence too .0 -
I honestly don't think I could continue with the relationship if it were me in your shoes OP. Even if it happened now after 3 kids and 12 yrs. Just that suggestion alone would damage both me and the relationship.
In the first 18months of our relationship, he came to me 3times saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue with the relationship. At the time we were quite young and most of his friends weren't in a relationship so were out drinking all the time. It wasn't that he felt he was missing out on casual sex, it was more going out drinking all the time with just them. Each time he spoke to me about this and we talked (I cried!) and he realised he didn't want to lose me. The 3rd time he did it, I told him that was the last time he did it. The next time, the decision wouldn't be his as I couldn't continue to allow myself to be hurt like that anymore. I'd break up with him myself. He promised me it wouldn't. It didn't. It wasn't an ultimatum before you all jump down my neck. It was make or break time and I had to protect myself. To be honest, it made me very insecure in myself and in our relationship for a good few years. There was always that niggling doubt and if we hadn't become engaged and married in the meantime, I think I'd probably still be a small bit insecure.
Ye are years down the line from where I was and there is a child involved. I don't think I could take a yr out of a relationship to begin with. But when there's a child involved. I'm sorry but he's a self centred pr!ck! You seem to know yourself that there's no going back after a year. Spell it out to him. Write it down for him. Tell him he'll only see his child half the time. He won't have you to talk to unless it's about the child. You will not be his friend or confidant. You will not be his booty call. The mirror idea is brilliant. Or a photo of the 3 of you together.
My cousin had something this happen to her. Slightly different situation. Long story short, he got someone pregnant. After years of my cousin wanting a child with him and him saying no, not til he got something out of his system. It was a massive kick in the teeth for her as she had uprooted her life completely for him and put it on hold while he got that year out of his system. His family were/are mad about her and were disgusted that he ruined it with her. She went through a hard few years but is coming out the other side now a stronger person. I'm in awe of her. She's by far better off without him the way he treated her. And you will be too.
He needs to make a decision and soon. Does he want a future with you or does he want to be single? And HE needs to OWN that decision. You are NOT to feel the slightest bit of guilt about what he decides. You should not have apologized for your past. It's not as if you had tons of partners. That's his issue, not yours. It's make or break time. And it'd be more unfair on you to drag this out further. Concentrate on being a Mammy, it sounds like you are an amazing one.0 -
CanWeCompromise wrote: »@ bp "How would he feel if after the year you were off checking out the grass too....does he expect you to sit at home knitting"
I asked him this. He said that he'd be ok with taking me back if I get with other people
Hang on...he would be OK taking YOU back??
Oh my God. This guy is delusional.
He wants to leave you and his child for a year, shag around, then agree to take you back...
OP. Seriously. He is taking the absolute p!ss here.
A year is a VERY long time to be away from a partner. I can guarantee you that after his sex fuelled break, nothing will ever be the same again.
If a partner of mine asked me what you have been asked I would be agreeing visiting arrangements for the child and then showing him the door.0 -
OP is he aware that he won't be the free single lad he imagines? He has child, no matter what happens with your relationship that fact is not changing. He can't just go off and do what he likes. Yes single parents can date and meet people but sounds like he thinks he can step away totally for a year and live like a single lad with no dependents. He will have to pay for his child and look after him. Make that clear to him, he can't jsut go walking away from his child no matter what else happens.
Honestly I don't know how your relationship can come back. This is something that will simmer below the surface for both of you so I'd cut my loss and seperate but don't let him schive off looking after his child - he is 50% responsible for them.0 -
OP I've read through the entire thread and my heart is broken for you.
What a ****ty position for him to put you in. He's manipulating you by wanting his freedom but caviating it by saying that you'll eventually get back together. If you refuse this you're "making things difficult". This is little short of emotional abuse.
Secondly I cannot see the logic of this arrangement under any circumstances, but certainly not when a child is involved. How can you take a gap year from your own child? Practically how would that even work? Your child is old enough to notice whats going on and would be damaged by this arrangement in my opinion. Your son will learn by example and he cannot be allowed to grow up thinking that its acceptable for fathers to walk away from their families and then back again with no consequences.
OP, however much you love this (poor excuse for a) man, you have to love yourself and your son more. You need to protect yourself and you son and put an end to this the second he decides to step out the door. You'd be more than justified in ending it now even if he changed his mind, because your trust and confidence must be shattered.
Lastly, and one for you to berhaps put to him is, if he had such difficulty accepting your past from before you were ever together, before you owed him anything, then how does he expect you to accept him taking a year long shagging break and breaking your family apart? Its like breaking a vase. You can glue the pieces back together but it would never be the same again.0 -
CanWeCompromise wrote: »
I've been cruel to be kind in telling him exactly how it's going to be if we break up. I've told him there will be nothing, not even a kiss, I won't be spending time with him other than doing things with our son, and that he can't be ringing me for a chat before bed. He thinks I'm making things difficult but I want him to know exactly what he's giving up.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a 7 year old whose mammy needs to explain the consequences of being bold to him.
You both stunted your development when you got together so young it seems. He comes up with the idea of putting his family on hold while he shags around, and he actually tells you that to your face. And you actually entertain it and discuss it as if it had a shred of merit. It doesn't!
You're very young, you can find someone who loves and respects you. You'll be looking back to this and cringing once you know the difference. Please do not waste yourself on this man child.0 -
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Do you live together? Can you afford to stay living there etc without him or does he expect to stay in the pace too?
Could this be a coping with the stress/ fear of further commitment (although children are obviously a huge commitment).
Either way I don't see how you are being unreasonable or how a relationship could recover. He clearly wants you for the night time chats and gf stuff but be sleeping around....risking a pregnancy (as you said the first wasn't planned), STDs and no more you.
What stands out to me was when said "he accepted him and loves him" regarding your (as in both if you) son....you don't accept your own child, it is your child not something you are given to accept or reject (sorry rant over). He sounds immature to be honest
I think lay it out in black and white (I won't wait for you and I won't be your gf in any shape or form, we will be ex's who share a child) and tell him to pick family or pastures new0
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