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Never Been in Love & met a girl...any advice?

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  • 04-02-2016 8:23pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi... I am in my mid 30's. I have a good job, family and friends.
    My whole life I have battled anxiety & ocd..
    I have worked really hard to manage both, but it is very tough..
    I have dated a fair few girls and had relationships for up to a 7-8 months and then I just haven't felt the spark.

    So a few weeks ago I met a girl on a drunken night out.. We had a kiss, and exchanged numbers,,,
    We went for a couple of dates..she is such nice company and really attractive,,,
    I find myself thinking jesus, she is so pretty, attractive etc..
    I am getting anxious, wondering, how is she not already taken, is she outta my league..if I fall for her (don't know as I have never fully 'fallen) & we break up I would find it really hard..
    Part of this is that I have been quite lonely, and then meet this girl who is affectionate, kind etc...I am thinking, if it doesn't work out here..will i ever meet a partner?

    I am just letting you know my fears and train of thought..
    She has said that she likes me and thinks about me etc...i then get even more anxious... also a bit excited...

    I take meds for my anxiety and ocd, which affects libido & it worries me if we ever go there...performance issues, if u know what I mean..

    any advice would be appreciated..


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    #2
    Roselm
    Registered Users Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    Relationships are all about letting yourself go for it. Taking risks. Being vulnerable. Opening up to another person. Your anxiety is holding you back from this. Do you think this is part of why you never fell for anyone before? Were you anxious about falling too hard for someone and then it all going pear shaped.
    I don't have advice on how not to worry though.
    In general I suppose people get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, they enjoy the other person and it flows so they just aren't focussing on the negatives. They maybe see them but say F you negative thought you can't stop me ;)
    You can't be thinking what ifs or you'd never leave your house.


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    #3
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Everybody has those worries at the start op. We all put people we like on a pedestal. You are lucky as she seems to want you up there with her so try and enjoy :)


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi ,... thank you for the reply!
    Yea, i think i do try and control things, but also my anxiety and ocd stuff tie up a lot of my emotions and time, so many times I have just tried with relationships but been 2 tied up with my own stuff..

    the ocd stuff i get is obtrusive thoughts/ feelings/doubts.. so at the moment I am worrying that I could be gay..or also fancy guys...In new situations like a new relationship, the ocd ups its game..but I am getting help for it..

    For years I have said, ..i am very happy being single etc,,, but i can get quite lonely at times and lack affection in my life..
    I am probably worried too that when she finds out that I battle anxiety and ocd...it might turn her off..

    I would love to just go with the flow and see what happens...


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    #5
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    Roselm wrote: »
    Relationships are all about letting yourself go for it. Taking risks. Being vulnerable. Opening up to another person. Your anxiety is holding you back from this. Do you think this is part of why you never fell for anyone before? Were you anxious about falling too hard for someone and then it all going pear shaped.
    I don't have advice on how not to worry though.
    In general I suppose people get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, they enjoy the other person and it flows so they just aren't focussing on the negatives. They maybe see them but say F you negative thought you can't stop me ;)
    You can't be thinking what ifs or you'd never leave your house.

    Pretty much all of this.

    OP relationships are wonderful things but god damn they can be scary at the start. Especially if you have issues previously.

    My best advice would be, bolt up, settle down and enjoy ride. Yes it may end badly. But at the same time, with luck and hard work - it could end up being the best thing that eve happened to you


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for the replies..
    I met the girl on Saturday & we had a really nice day...bit of a kiss & cuddle too which was really nice...
    I am still kinda scared;as I have never properly been in love before, & am interested in meeting someone now..
    How do you know you really like a girl?
    How long does it take for a relationship to grow and feelings to develop?
    Apologies for the naivity but this is kinda new for me!


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    #7
    shamrock2004
    Closed Accounts Posts: 603 ✭✭✭shamrock2004


    nevabeeninluv wrote: »
    Thank you for the replies..
    I met the girl on Saturday & we had a really nice day...bit of a kiss & cuddle too which was really nice...
    I am still kinda scared;as I have never properly been in love before, & am interested in meeting someone now..
    How do you know you really like a girl?
    How long does it take for a relationship to grow and feelings to develop?
    Apologies for the naivity but this is kinda new for me!

    For some people it can take quite a while - as mentioned previously, past relationships can be a big factor in this. Your gut feeling should tell you if you like her or not. To be honest, reading your initial post, it sounds like you really like her. Go for it and strike while the iron is hot. If you pass up this chance, you may regret it, as you sound like you are ready for a relationship. Of course it may not work out, but that's a risk you're just going to have to take.


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    #8
    Tigger99
    Registered Users Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    I've had my heart broken more than once but I wouldn't trade any of that sadness or turn back time because being in love with someone that loves you is bloody amazing. I hope it doesn't ever end for you but I strongly believe that saying that it's better to have loved and lost rather than never have loved at all.

    You might be surprised how endearing women can find some nerves by the way. It shows a complete lack of cockiness. I hope it goes well for you
    Enjoy it, it's amazing.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi! Thank you for the replies.. we have gone on a few dates now and seem to get on really well..
    My anxiety is raising every red flag possible...
    She seems to like me and is always keen to meet up..
    I am taking things slowly and just trying to enjoy it and be myself..
    This girl just seems like a jump up in class, looks everything... and she seems to like me..all quite scary!

    But I will just see how things work out!


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    #10
    Roselm
    Registered Users Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    nevabeeninluv wrote: »
    Hi! Thank you for the replies.. we have gone on a few dates now and seem to get on really well..
    My anxiety is raising every red flag possible...
    She seems to like me and is always keen to meet up..
    I am taking things slowly and just trying to enjoy it and be myself..
    This girl just seems like a jump up in class, looks everything... and she seems to like me..all quite scary!

    But I will just see how things work out!

    Exactly: be yourself -it's you she likes. No point pretending to be someone you're not.
    Best of luck


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    #11
    HiGlo
    Registered Users Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    I agree with the previous poster, your gut should tell you if you are genuinely interested in her.
    There’s no timeline on these things.

    I can imagine that it is not easy to keep your anxieties in check, but does it/would it help at all to really try not to focus too much on where it’s going or what might happen and really try keep yourself focused on what’s going on here and now. A bit like alcoholics ;) take it one day at a time.
    It also might be worth having an outlet for your anxieties as things progress – be it a friend, family member, counsellor, here on Boards – just so that you can voice what’s going on in your head, get it out so it’s not being bottled up becoming magnified over time.

    I really wish you all the very best and hope it works out well for you.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies..
    Things have been going quite well.. We are meeting up again at the weekend..
    My ocd and anxiety are acting up but I am trying to keep on top of things...

    Another worry I have is about sex, if and when it happens... this is for two reasons..
    1st of all i take prozac meds for my ocd..this defo diminishes the libido a bit...without being too graphic; it takes longer to finish things/..
    Also I am slightly concerned about the size of my fella...always concerns me a bit at the start of any relationship.,.

    any advice on this?


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi! So a few nights ago we got together and physically things progressed..
    It was really nice..I was kinda anxious and in the end i didn't/couldnt orgasm..
    It was on my mind a bit and the ssri meds, definitely affect things..

    It kind of saddens me a little and worries me about future nights with this girl...


    Any advice?


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    #14
    Roselm
    Registered Users Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    nevabeeninluv wrote: »
    Hi! So a few nights ago we got together and physically things progressed..
    It was really nice..I was kinda anxious and in the end i didn't/couldnt orgasm..
    It was on my mind a bit and the ssri meds, definitely affect things..

    It kind of saddens me a little and worries me about future nights with this girl...


    Any advice?

    Well if you're thinking it'll affect her experience of sex it may not really be an issue at all seeing as, if you can get hard, in a way that's all you "need" to be able to do from a girl's perspective. Obviously that's not the be all and end all of sex but it wouldn't bother me if my boyfriend didn't climax unless it was bothering him...


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    #15
    Turtle_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 640 ✭✭✭Turtle_


    nevabeeninluv wrote: »
    Hi! So a few nights ago we got together and physically things progressed..
    It was really nice..I was kinda anxious and in the end i didn't/couldnt orgasm..
    It was on my mind a bit and the ssri meds, definitely affect things..

    It kind of saddens me a little and worries me about future nights with this girl...


    Any advice?

    If you haven't done already, I'd tell her about the OCD and the prozac (notorious for causing those problems!). It sounds like she's into you, she's not likely to freak out. She's also had enough time to get to know you

    Maybe you already have told her, in which case disregard the above :D


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for the replies..
    Yea, I told her that I do get anxious about lots of stuff and that i take meds..
    She was really nice about it..it didn't seem to bother her at all..
    We hooked up again last week and it was really nice... the result was kinda the same..she demo seemed to reach that point, whereas I didn't.. but saying that, it didn't really bother me too much...
    It is kinda tricky because as soon as you start thinking about x happening,,,the opposite tends to happen..
    The more anxious you are /get the less easy things can become..

    I was quite tired at the end of the day..while i really enjoyed it...i'm not used to spending such intense time with a girl..saying that, we get on really well and have opened up almost completely to each other..

    Having lived the batchelor life for quite a while,, my default is to slow things down,,, keep a slight distance and get increasingly involved with sports and hobbies and keeping the relationship at a comfortable distance.,...


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