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How to move on.

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  • 28-10-2014 8:14am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've just come out of a long term relationship. 11 years together in total, 3 years married included in this. I'm finding it very hard to move on. The ex has already started seeing the guy that she cheated on me with last Christmas, I just found out about this in the past week or so and it hit me hard. I'm pretty angry about this as is normal I think.

    Anyway I'm mid thirties and pretty worried about what life holds for me now. When you've been with someone for so long you lose touch with what goes on outside of your supposed happy bubble. Can anyone offer and advice to me about how to move on as it is coming up to a year since the split and I've basically put my life on hold since? Maybe somebody has been in a similar predicament. Thanks.


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    #2
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Putting your life on hold is never a good thing-it is, however, understandable.
    You have been grieving the loss of this relationship, the pain and anger is perfectly normal, you're right to acknowledge this.

    Try to keep busy, spend time with friends-go to new places, places that don't bring back memories of your time with her.
    Make new memories for yourself by taking up a new hobby, perhaps.Book a holiday to somewhere you always wanted to go.

    I was overwhelmed-for many, many reasons when I went through the breakdown of a longterm relationship- I needed counselling-the best decision I ever made in my life, actually.
    Not everyone needs this, but if in time you are no further along in this journey, perhaps it is something you should consider.

    I found this quote, it helped me realise that I was stronger than I'd thought possible, that I could move on, that I deserved to be the happiest I can be.

    " You were many wonderful things to many people before you met him/her.
    Don't let this one event define who you are."

    Best of luck-you are only a young man, you have many years ahead to be happy again-because you deserve to be.
    Remember this, every day, for as long as it takes to heal.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks a lot for your reply. I've done counselling earlier in the year and it was helpful however I just seem to be stuck in a rut now I suppose. Its difficult too as all my friends are settled down and you can't be annoying them too much with my troubles. Thanks again, you've given me a different way of looking at things.


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    #4
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    In the same boat here OP and its so difficult. Months down the line here and no improvement.Im glad councelling helped you..would you consider going for more? Ive been told time is a great healer so hopefully thats true.Someone on another thread recommended that you associate your exs faults/failings every time you think of them rather than the good things and I have been trying that and it may help you too.
    Give yourself time and go easy on yourself. Im hoping karma kicks in (very childish i know but Im human:)).
    Its along hard road but if others get through it then hopefully things will turn for you soon and you can begin to move onwards and upwards.Take care


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry to hear your going through something similar. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. It is certainly the toughest thing I've been through, it seems to be in your head 24 hours a day. I suppose it's all the harder when you see the other half moving on quite easily. Yep, I'm hoping karma might help me out too! I might look at another course of counselling down the line, if you haven't gone down that route I would recommend it. It's easier to speak to someone that you don't really know. Family and friends are great but sometimes it can be hard to discuss things with them. I suppose it's seen as an embarrassment when things go pear shaped and it can be hard to talk about it. Anyway, hopefully you get back on track too and thanks for replying.


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    #6
    Sparkles78
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭Sparkles78


    Going through similar here, I'm almost at 11 months & just as I felt things were starting to pick up he told me he is moving in with her before Xmas. We have a 15yr old together so this means he will have to stay over at the weekends in the girlfriends place & she has 2 young kids of her own. This set me back quite a bit but id just have to try & accept things & keep trying to move on. Ive realised me feeling sorry for myself is only making me miserable, I doubt he gives me a second thought so I have to try look after my well being now hard as it is.
    I feel like you, stuck... Feels like this is it for me I'll be alone forever while watching their life get better.
    I'm sorry I've no real advice just wanted to let you know you're not the only one going through it & I think time is the only real healer, keep yourself busy & maybe when you are least expecting it you'll meet someone :) put yourself first now, try not to think about your ex you're only torturing yourself (I need to take my own advice here I think) Do things that make you happy, maybe plan a weekend away with the lads so you have something to think about & look forward to. Take care op


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    #7
    PeteEd
    Registered Users Posts: 393 ✭✭PeteEd


    OP i had a 9 year relationship break up just over 2 years ago now. My ex quickly moved on, new relationship, house and a baby whilst i felt swamped and stuck in a rut.

    I planned holidays, gigs and events so i always had something to look forward to. My self confidence was at an all time low but always forced myself to get up and get out there again even though i felt lost and all at sea being single again in my mid 30's.

    I was working away from home and so didn't have friends and family always with me and although feeling very awkward at times i holidayed and went clubbing (yes an ageing raver) on my own and my confidence slowly started to return.

    Looking back at my early encounters with the opposite sex i can see i was obviously trying too hard and definitely didn't love myself enough for anyone else to love me.

    But the day will come when you realise you haven't thought about your old life in days or weeks and you are finally enjoying being yourself again. For me this happened about 6 months ago or about 20 months after becoming single again.

    Low and behold now that i am happy within myself again i met a lovely woman about 3 months ago and now feel 35 going on 15 again.

    For a long time i checked in on this forum everyday, i never did counselling or anything but there is some top notch advice to be had here and as a sort of a return this is the 1st time i have posted in PI.

    My top tips, push yourself, learn to love yourself, don't try to hard and someday you will wonder what the hell you were ever stressing about.

    Good luck


  • Options
    #8
    Holsten
    Registered Users Posts: 4,971 ✭✭✭Holsten


    I'd have to question why you've only now just come out of a relationship after she cheated on you just under one year ago, forget her, you don't need nor want that.

    Cut off all contact and better yourself in any which way you can, physically, mentally, socially, career wise, anything.

    Focus on yourself for a while.

    Best of luck!


  • Options
    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all of your replies, it has given me something to think about and hope that things will improve with time. I'm finding the cutting off contact thing difficult, when you have spent everyday with somebody for several years you miss them and their ways. We also have a house together and that is a worry regarding how we will sort that out, I suppose I'm using this as an excuse to keep in contact although I know she has no interest in resolving things between us. Thanks again for taking time to reply, its very much appreciated.


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