Feeling completely desperate

LegacyUser · 11-03-2008 12:10am #1

I am going un-regged for this one, I've been summing up the strength to write it all afternoon but I just haven't been able to find the energy to until now.

Basically am I am feeling utterly and totally desperate in life right now and really can't face going into work tomorrow, or really any of the people in my life and I really don't know what to do

I moved over to Ireland from Scotland about 6 months ago for a girl but it didnt work out between us, I've got a few friends over here and enjoy their company occasionally (maybe every few weeks or so) but I really dont get along with my flatmates either, it's not their fault and I'm not going to blame them just because we're into different things but we just dont have anything in common and I feel bad so end up hiding away from them as much as I can.

The fact this costs so much more for this room then I paid for a whole flat in Glasgow really gets me down too, as well.

I just think what the hell am I doing here.

What gets to me most though is my job, I really really hate it, there is so much pressure and it is almost entirely phone based too when I really suffer from anxiety, everytime the phone rings (about 60 times a day) my heart falls through the floor, I have to take myself off into the toilets and try my best not to cry several times a day.

I know that I am really sinking into depression and my anxiety is getting so much worse. I used to take anti-depressents in Scotland but I was off them before I moved over, I guess in hindsight now that was because I was in love and now that hasn't worked out Im really sinking back into the same state again.

Everyone who knows me thinks Im a jolly and happy person but it takes so much out of me and I just cant do it and need to hide myself away but that is so hard here too, especcially in my job. I've got myself a course lined up back at home so I can change careers rather then having to work in an office anymore but this wont start til September and in the meantime I dont really have enough money to move home or any job there to go home to, although I do have lots of friends over there and of course family.

The thing is in Scotland my doctor knew me and also it is free there to see the Dr. and cheap to get prescriptions, but here I dont even have a doctor and it costs so much even when you do, and how can I get a Dr to give me what I need when they wont even know me.

Its getting so bad now that I am not being able to sleep at all at night-time as I am dreading work, the only time I am sleeping is on the bus to and from work. I had been going in as even the act of ringing in sick feels me full of dread, I'm not even the sort of people who will answer the phone to my own friends unless I know exactly who it is and what they want, the phone just fills me completely full of dread. Im not so bad face to face at all, but everytime the phone rings my heart sinks.

I've started feeling suicidal thoughts but it's so hard because with not sleeping my head is just wrecked, I know I could sort myself out as I have done plenty of times before if I just had some time alone and perhaps some medical help but with having to work and not having a Dr. here I really dont know what I am going to do.

Today I was off sick but I hadnt slept at all and couldnt ring in sick, eventually during the day I managed to sleep but didnt wake up til 6pm, I have loads of messages and voicemail from work people but I cant even read them or listen to them as Im too anxious as to what theyre gonna say, I saw when trying to hide them that one said "call me now" or something like that from my boss. I am tempted to just e-mail them in how desperate I am feeling and turn off my phone as I really can't deal with the phone and if I email them then I dont have to read the reply until I am ready.

I really dont know what to do.

Oryx · 11-03-2008 12:24pm

Yes you can fix this, but you need to do it in baby steps. Dont take on the whole thing in one big battle. Thats overwhelming and will add to your depression. You are depressed, and perhaps just realising that will help you ease up on yourself.

Write a list of ideal situations, changes you would make if you could. Write where you would like to be, and doing what. Read through it and pick one small thing you can do, now.

As far as suicide is concerned, you know thats a no go, dont you? Think about it. Worst case scenario in your life, you simply dont go back to work. Pack your bags, abandon the flat, take a boat plane whatever back to scotland and stay with family or a mate. Chill and lick your wounds and pick yourself up again. Thats what I see as being the most extreme thing you could do, and I dont see you ending up on the streets from it. Or dead. This is not a situation you cannot improve. Its not something you should consider dying for, not for an instant. You just need to see a way out right now, and there is one.

Im Pm-able anytime. If you feel lousy and just want to vent it. x

andrewh5 · 11-03-2008 12:32pm

I have suffered from the black dog for over 10 years now. There is light at the end of the tunnel but, as KtK said, you have to take it slowly. I also agree that you should get on the boat or whatever & get back home as your main support base is there.
As for the suicide thing, it would end your pain but it would give your loved ones a lifetime of pain so it isn't even worth considering. I have though about it many times and the thought of what it would do to my wife and children has always brought me back.

Marksie · 11-03-2008 1:04pm

Desperate wrote: »

I moved over to Ireland from Scotland about 6 months ago for a girl but it didnt work out between us, I've got a few friends over here and enjoy their company occasionally (maybe every few weeks or so) but I really dont get along with my flatmates either, it's not their fault and I'm not going to blame them just because we're into different things but we just dont have anything in common and I feel bad so end up hiding away from them as much as I can. .

I moved to ireland from england 12 years ago for much the same reason adn the same things occurred. I gave up a house and really good job to puirsue something so i knwo what you are going through.
.

Desperate wrote: »

The fact this costs so much more for this room then I paid for a whole flat in Glasgow really gets me down too, as well.

I just think what the hell am I doing here. .

Without a doubt Dublin is the worst city i have ever experienced, in most aspects and removed myself from the situation. So i can appreciate your sense of loneliness of desperation at the costs of living and the associated issues surrounding it.

As i said, m when my realtionship broke down, i had two choices, to leave and go back, perfectly valid, or to do somethng about my situation.

Its a question of determining what you want in the end and making plans to get there.
it takes time and you must be clear in what you wnat for yourself. But i know some wonderful people here now who i would class as really good friends and more.
But i had to make the decisions myself on what i wanted to do..the same goes for you.

Its all in your own hands and you have to be proactive about it.

Desperate wrote: »

What gets to me most though is my job, I really really hate it, there is so much pressure and it is almost entirely phone based too when I really suffer from anxiety, everytime the phone rings (about 60 times a day) my heart falls through the floor, I have to take myself off into the toilets and try my best not to cry several times a day. .

Then its not the job for you, remove yourself from that situation.
I view my job as a means to an end now, to get me where i want to go.
If its causing me stress over and above the expected, i am gone.

I

Desperate wrote: »

know that I am really sinking into depression and my anxiety is getting so much worse. I used to take anti-depressents in Scotland but I was off them before I moved over, I guess in hindsight now that was because I was in love and now that hasn't worked out Im really sinking back into the same state again. .

Been there, right with ya on that one. But you will love again, and the whole thing is a lesson in life. A good one and one that should be learned.

Go to the doctors if you feel bad and talk to them.

Desperate wrote: »

Everyone who knows me thinks Im a jolly and happy person but it takes so much out of me and I just cant do it and need to hide myself away but that is so hard here too, especcially in my job. I've got myself a course lined up back at home so I can change careers rather then having to work in an office anymore but this wont start til September and in the meantime I dont really have enough money to move home or any job there to go home to, although I do have lots of friends over there and of course family..

What we present to the world is not who we are at times... but who we are changes.

Now i see a positive here

... you are making plans.
if you are unhappy here then go back, september isnt too far away and your family will look aftre you and you may pick up a summer job.

For you teh lesson may be to have tried moving and then realising that love and greener grass is not what its cracked up to be at times.
It is useful life experience for you.

Desperate wrote: »

The thing is in Scotland my doctor knew me and also it is free there to see the Dr. and cheap to get prescriptions, but here I dont even have a doctor and it costs so much even when you do, and how can I get a Dr to give me what I need when they wont even know me..

I amd going to give one piece of advice now and one only, normally i would try and balance everything.
Go back to scotland, and i doint mean it in a bad way. This move hasnt been good for you, this isnt teh country .

but take from this something positive: yOu went for it..you showed courage to follwo a path and went for it.
That is brave... a lot of people wouldnt

I

Desperate wrote: »

ts getting so bad now that I am not being able to sleep at all at night-time as I am dreading work, the only time I am sleeping is on the bus to and from work. I had been going in as even the act of ringing in sick feels me full of dread, I'm not even the sort of people who will answer the phone to my own friends unless I know exactly who it is and what they want, the phone just fills me completely full of dread. Im not so bad face to face at all, but everytime the phone rings my heart sinks.
I've started feeling suicidal thoughts but it's so hard because with not sleeping my head is just wrecked, I know I could sort myself out as I have done plenty of times before if I just had some time alone and perhaps some medical help but with having to work and not having a Dr. here I really dont know what I am going to do.
Today I was off sick but I hadnt slept at all and couldnt ring in sick, eventually during the day I managed to sleep but didnt wake up til 6pm, I have loads of messages and voicemail from work people but I cant even read them or listen to them as Im too anxious as to what theyre gonna say, I saw when trying to hide them that one said "call me now" or something like that from my boss. I am tempted to just e-mail them in how desperate I am feeling and turn off my phone as I really can't deal with the phone and if I email them then I dont have to read the reply until I am ready.

I really dont know what to do.

Leave. Honestly, go back to Scotland. it is where you are happiest i think. The culture shock here has you unbalanced.

milkerman · 11-03-2008 1:32pm

You cite two main reasons for your depressed state - (1)Failed relationship & (2)You miss your home country.
Item (1)- You will see posts from loads of people on these pages about failed marriages, friendships etc. The advice is always the same, take time to heal your wounds and just look forward to what the future will bring. You will find someone great at some stage if you just keep looking. In the interim you just have to accept the loss and bear up to it, she is gone & there is nothing you can do about it.
Item (2)- You describe exactly how I felt when I lived in Northern Spain except the cultural & language differences were more severe. You can do something about this. Ring your boss, tell him you have a bit of a crisis to deal with at home and that you need time off. If he agrees, go back home to where you feel comfortable. After a few weeks of R&R you might feel differently. If he doesn't agree, resign & go back home to where you feel comfortable. If I were you I would use the time off to find a new job in Scotland.
Were you subject to depression when you lived in Scotland? Even if not I would strongly recommend you to speak to your old GP about your problem. Medication is't the complete answer but it can help you kick that 'black dog' up the h*le.
Go home.

LegacyUser · 11-03-2008 1:49pm

To be honest I think the job is the main thing that is getting me down. I do miss home for certain but if I was doing the same job as I had then, for the same quality of life, then I would be happy enough here. I have friends here so I cant complain about that. I do actually like Ireland and Irish people, though miss my family of course.

The job is the thing that is really making me ill though, again last night I was totally unable to sleep until this morning I sent my boss a text saying I was ill and needed sleep but I was going to see a doctor and would ring them later (something I really really cant face now), after that I turned my phone off and was able to sleep. I'm scared to put my phone back on now though as if it isn't and I cant see the messages / voicemails etc then they cant hurt me, does that make any sense at all?

Now I have woken up I am wondering what I am going to be able to do now. I do have plans for this course back in home in September like I said, it's just between now and then. I could probably afford to go home at the end of the month when I get paid to be honest as it would give me some wages to soften the blow, right now if I went home I'd be going home without a penny.

I just wish I couldve held on for these next few weeks but it's ended up blowing up now already. If I had a doctor here I dunno perhaps I could get him to write me a sick note which would cover me to the end of the month and allow me to go home and find something else confident in the knowledge that at least Id get paid for this month, if I just quit now without my required notice then I guess they could just not pay me anything, including what I have already earned this month.

I'm dreading ringing my boss though, I know I am going to have to (though If only I could deal with it all via post or e-mail), and I know I am going to be in so much trouble for not properly ringing in sick.....

It's mad because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, going home and doing this course, it's just how to get through these next few months, perhaps even just month. I really can't afford to go home right now. Do you think it would be possible for me to get another job here for a couple of months, something thats going to make me less ill like working in a cafe or shop or something and not on the phones. God I must sound like such a freak I really dont know why phones unleash such anxiety in me. I just feel like I was sold such a lie in my job, I was led to believe it was back office and mostly via e-mail and not constant phone calls from people giving out like this is, the role has totally moved in the wrong direction for me, just in the 5 months since I have joined

Thanks for listening.

St Bill · 11-03-2008 5:58pm

Hi OP, would it be possible for you to sit down face to face with your boss and say you're going through a tough time at the moment? (apologise first for not turning up to work though, it'll soften him/her up!!). Your boss is a person too, I'm sure he's had his share of bad days!
There's nothing that you're going through now that can't be fixed. If the chat with your boss doesn't work, well start looking for another job with a clear conscience (speaking to your boss before this is vital, because then at least you've made a decent stab at sorting out issues).
Your other option is to go home, and take on a job for a couple of months til the course starts. The advantage of this will be having family and friends at close hand.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're going through a bit of a low at the moment, only natural, especially when you had such hopes coming here. Give yourself a little time, look after yourself

Redpunto · 11-03-2008 7:27pm

Would you consider moving back to Scotland, do you have friends and family there? Get yourself to the GP though immediately in case you need to be back on meds.

Idbatterim · 11-03-2008 9:08pm

moving back to Scotland may be the best option, you have your family and friends there, and as you say the cost of living is probably alot cheaper. If you came over here for a girl and you are no longer with her, is there a point in being here if your not as happy as you would be in Scotland? the alternative would be to take baby steps as has been said, how about trying to change jobs first, then move to a new apartment/house? you say you dont have the money to go back to scotland or anywhere to stay, surely if you tell your family or friends they can help you out till you get back on your feet? Im sure they would be very understanding given that you suffer from depression and anxiety, its not as if you came over here and were reckless and blew everything...

Ickle Magoo · 12-03-2008 12:35am

As a fellow Scot in Ireland, it sounds to me like you want to go home. There is absolutely no shame in accepting you were here for the girl & when that didn't work, you didn't want to stay.

Forget your boss, forget struggling through another month - your health & happiness comes first. Take stock & think about where you want to be & what you want to be doing - write it down in the calender when you aim to take the steps to get there.

Take whatever job you have to, to make ends meet in the mean time. Don't be making yourself ill with worry or stress if you can do it another way, life's too short. Take care of you.

LegacyUser · 12-03-2008 1:15am

I've been in a similar situation very recently although not as extreme. I've recently moved to a different city through nesessity, shortly after the death of a loved one. I have been in my current job for a few months.
Over the previous few weeks I lost all faith in myself, my ability to do anything or even ever to be happy. The long and the short of it is that about 10 days ago I ****ed up in work majorly and my boss asked me what the hell was up. To this day I dont know why I did it, but I took the b@sterd aside and told him the truth about how I was feeling. Thing was..... I lost sight of the fact that he was a person too, once he knew I was in a bad way he opened up to me, listened to me about my issues, and told me about issues he had in the past and was working through now and how life was more important than any job! He told me to take time off, and just relax and to come back when I was ready. He also told me another thing that might be of use to you (I work with people over the phone, in person etc, and you sound like a more outgoing person than me) He told me, "Just smile, I'ts all just a big fu cking game son, those people on the other end don't matter a shi t, they're not even real, you just have to make them think they are"

Dudess · 12-03-2008 1:38am

Oh OP, you poor thing. For goodness' sake, go home! Why do you say you can't afford it? Everything is far cheaper there for a start. I may just have a tiny inkling of what you're going through - last October after a fairly miserable year on the work front and feeling quite lonely in Dublin, I was on the verge of a meltdown and one Friday evening I just hopped on the bus home to Cork where most of my friends and family are. Obviously that pales in comparison to your situation but it is like a mini version of it. One of the best things I ever did. Within no time I was so much happier.

karen3212 · 12-03-2008 7:22am

Op it really sounds like your job couldn't have been worse for you.

Firstly go to the doctor, find one. Ask your friends here if you don't have enough to pay straight away, any half decent person will loan you the money for the doctor.

Please don't worry too much about your boss(it's not as if you are looking forward to a promotion on the phones),

do email if you can't face phoning...... It is not written in stone that you can only phone. Tell your boss that that you are feeling really really ill and that you can't even face phoning, and that you are going to the doctor.

You really really need to go and see the doctor.

If it looks like it will take too long for the doctor to start prescribing for you then get a sick note, and as already said go back to your old doctor and get a prescription. Again I'm sure your parents/family/friends will be more than willing to help with the cost, once they know your situation.

It sounds like your job is the biggest pain for you, so with your sick note you may be able to take a break from it for a little while.

Right now, get that note, all the other decisions can come later.

Feeling completely desperate

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