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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #3392
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I cycled to the off licence yesterday, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the cycle basket.

    As I was about to leave I thought that if I fell off the bike the bottle would break.

    So, to be on the safe side, I drank the whisky before I cycled home.



    it turned out to be a very good decision as I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3393
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    William Shakespeare walked into a pub.

    The landlord said, "Get out - yer barred!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3394
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My missus asked me if I had thought about how I would like die.



    I said " making mad passionate love to you my darling".



    She said "It'll be a quick death then"

    :rolleyes:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3395
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why is abbreviation such a long word ?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3396
    Ragnar Lothbrok
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Ragnar Lothbrok


    My son's favourite joke (courtesy of The Simpsons):

    Q: What's the best time to go to the dentist?

    A: 2.30

    (Tooth-hurty :D)


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  • #3397
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

    That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap,




    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.leggit.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3398
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My three favourite things are eating my children and not using commas...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3399
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Waiter: "Good evening, Sir. Would you like to hear the specials?"

    Diner: "Yes, please."



    Waiter: "This town (aaah aaah), is coming like a ghost town".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3400
    J Cheevor Loophole
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭J Cheevor Loophole


    The Principal of a balloon school ordered a balloon pupil to her office, after a pin was found in his hand. She said..
    Michael !! If I hear you have a pin in here again, you're going to let me down, yourself down and the whole school down.


  • #3401
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M62 near Brighouse recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

    The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

    However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

    By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

    The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3402
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M62 near Brighouse recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

    The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

    However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

    By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

    The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

    One liners ?? :P
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3403
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    greenspurs wrote: »
    One liners ?? :P
    Care to contribute ? :P


  • #3404
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    greenspurs wrote: »
    One liners ?? :P


    Read it one line at a time :P

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3405
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Reports are coming in of a lorry shedding its load of honey on the N11. Drivers are advised to stick to the inside lane

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3406
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Jayus the N11 is mad today :eek:

    Reports are coming in of a lorry carrying Red and Purple paint overturning and blocking the N11.

    Many vehicles were left Marooned.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3407
    mistersifter
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭mistersifter


    I was gonna do one about the Nazis but to be honest it's a bit out of meinkampfertzone.


  • #3408
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman..."Mr Hackinbush?"

    "Yes," I replied.

    "I"m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

    "I said, "That"s bullshit, "cause my dog doesn"t even have a bike!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3409
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call a deer that cant see?

    No idea ………….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3410
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What did the drummer call his twin girls.....


    Anna one , Anna two ……………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3411
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do cannibals like for breakfast?
    Shredded feet.

    And at lunchtime?
    Baked beings on toast.

    From the chippy on Friday night?
    Kate and Sidney pie

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3412
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Judge looked at the jury in disbelief,

    "How could you possibly find this man not guilty"? he asked"

    Insanity your honour"


    "WHAT......all Twelve of you"?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3413
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What did the Leper say to his mother whilst riding his bike?








    Look mum, no hands!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3414
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to the pub dressed as a Tennis Ball last night.





    Got served straight away.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3415
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross a lion and a tiger?













    Mauled
    digger.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3416
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I saw a man going in the GP's with a lettuce stick in her bum...…

    I think he will put a dressing on it !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3417
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just seen Elvis in B&Q.


    Returned a sander.


  • #3418
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My friend was mugged the other day...
    Chased after the lad... Sure gave him a run for his money.....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3419
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    In the last Japanese general election the Origami party failed to get many votes.








    They soon folded.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3420
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a man with no shins?











    Oskar Shinless..........................leggit.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3421
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,015 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    What do you call an irishman haning form the ceiling?

    Sean D'Olier...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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