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Believe her or not?

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  • 17-01-2008 10:56pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm sorry about this Ive a horrible problem with my relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend and got back with her 2 months later. During this time she told me she went on a date with a bloke. Then she told me who it was, a guy that is great friends and works for, my best friend. Who just happens to own a bar that me and my friends always drink in.
    Now I understand we were broken up and what happened in that time happened etc etc, but I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend' etc.
    This is what she is trying to make me believe--She went for a drink with him in a bar in town. She had a few drinks over the space of 2 hours and they snogged around 5 times. Then she says he walked her to the luas and she went home, never saw him again. Originally she said she got a taxi outside, then 2 months later changed her story. I am really struggling and trying my very best to believe nothing sexual happened. This guys known as a sleaze in the bar and has a different girl every week. I feel I cant go there to see my friends now, and dont know what i'd do if she was there aswell. Its ruining the relationship. She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it. I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest. Has anyone been in a similar situation?


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    #2
    The Hill Billy
    Registered Users Posts: 22,746 ✭✭✭✭The Hill Billy


    No I've not been in a similar situation but I can offer you some advice...

    You need to take a step back & decide whether or not you trust your girlfriend. If not, & this appears to be the case, you won't have a future together.

    Who cares if this guy is a sleaze anyway? She only had a few drinks with him one evening. She is back with you now & surely that is what matters.

    On a couple of specific points...
    mess888 wrote:
    I feel I cant go there to see my friends now, and dont know what i'd do if she was there aswell.
    1. You need to grow some cahones & get some confidence in yourself. Like I said - she is with you now, not him. Who gives a toss what other people think.
    mess888 wrote:
    Its ruining the relationship.
    2. Your insecurity & mistrust is ruining the relationship.
    mess888 wrote:
    She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it.
    3. Have you considered that she has every right to deny that 'something' happened & she is just píssed of with you going on & on about it?
    mess888 wrote:
    I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest.
    See point 1.

    Best of luck with it.


  • Options
    #3
    How Strange
    Registered Users Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭How Strange


    OP, first of all
    I broke up with my girlfriend and got back with her 2 months later. During this time she told me she went on a date with a bloke.
    YOU broke up with her, she moved on, went on a date with a guy, then YOU got back with her. Now you're acting like a caveman beating your chest because another guy that you seem to have a problem with dated her ONCE while you were BROKEN UP.

    Where's the problem?
    The problem is YOU. Honestly, get over yourself. Do you really expect people to say 'oh that's terrible, she dated another man while she was single. How dare she not sit around crying and wait for you to ask her to get back with you.'

    This 'problem' is really a male territorial p1ssing contest. What gets to you is that she was with THIS particular guy. Somewhere in your subconscious you must view this guy as a threat otherwise why would you be throwing your toys out of the pram and saying you and your mates can't go there anymore because everyone will be laughing at you because he got
    up on your girlfriend
    .

    But the thing is she wasn't your girlfriend at the time.
    Its ruining the relationship. She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it. I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest
    Oh I'm sure it is ruining your relationship. There's nothing like an insecure whinging man interrogating his girlfriend at every turn to run a relationship.
    I wouldn't blame her for denying everything, you're acting like a prat. I'm sure she is just sorry she ever said anything to you in the first place. Her mistake for not knowing your primal male pride would be wounded.
    Has anyone been in a similar situation?
    No, but I'll make a mental note to self to run for the hills if I ever am.


  • Options
    #4
    Colonel_McCoy
    Registered Users Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Colonel_McCoy


    she was single...she could do whatever she wanted to do! Deal with it or move on. Did you stay in every weekend and watch the Late Late Show. Give me a break you were out giving it loads trying everything! The only thing wrong with you is your pride, you should be happy to be back with her and f*ck whatever anybody else thinks!


  • Options
    #5
    Woofer
    Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Woofer


    I agree with everything every poster has written here in response - but I understand exactly how you feel. No matter how yout ry to rationalise it you cannt, because you will just never be rational in a situation like this. What would p1ss me off most is that her story has changed. Personally I would demand to know the full truth (rather than half the truth which is eating you up), then make your decision on whether you're man enough to deal with it.


  • Options
    #6
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    mess888 wrote: »
    I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend'
    I am really struggling and trying my very best to believe nothing sexual happened.
    This guys known as a sleaze in the bar and has a different girl every week. I feel I cant go there to see my friends now, and dont know what i'd do if she was there aswell.

    The first words that came to mind when reading your post were "good grief" :rolleyes:
    You have some deep self esteem issues and are projecting them onto your g/f. What she did after you dumped her is her business.
    You took her back, your relationship starts from when you took her back and you either live with what she did after you dumped her or you don't.

    Its ruining the relationship.

    No.
    You, are runing the relationship because of your insecurities.
    She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it.

    I'm not at all surprised, you probably have her head melted with your questions. Questions you have no right to be asking.
    I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest.

    You are, but not for that reason.
    If you were a confident man, happy in his own skin, what would you care who was laughing at you? What would you care if someone thought you a fool?
    I've always been of the opinion that you can either take me or leave me, either way, I don't care. Because the people who are not interested in me, I'm not interested in them, or their opinions, or what they think of me.
    I suggest you take a deep look within and work on yourself, leave the poor girl alone and quit melting her head.
    Woofer wrote:
    Personally I would demand to know the full truth

    Because I'm a mod of this forum, I cannot print what my response would be to someone who 'demanded' to know what I got up to while single.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    EVERYONE who's been cheated on feels humiliated; everyone who's friends may have known about it feels that they've all been laughing behind your back. Ah yes, paranoia and suspicion alway occur. The desire to know *everything* is mad and will never be sated. You just have to accept it happened and get over it; as said, she wasn't your gf when it happened.


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    #8
    Buzz Buzz
    Registered Users Posts: 170 ✭✭Buzz Buzz


    Sounds like the whole 'Ross and Rachal' scenario..!


  • Options
    #9
    Gurgle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,064 ✭✭✭Gurgle


    mess888 wrote: »
    I broke up with my girlfriend and got back with her 2 months later....
    I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend' etc.
    This is what she is trying to make me believe--Originally she said she got a taxi outside, then 2 months later changed her story.
    So you've been nagging her for 2 months about what she did when you weren't together?

    tbh, if you're that hung up on it, your relationship is doomed (again) anyway.


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    #10
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    JoJoe90 wrote: »
    EVERYONE who's been cheated on feels humiliated.

    I don't know why you have brought that up? They were not together so no cheating occurred.


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    #11
    gandalf
    Registered Users Posts: 26,458 ✭✭✭✭gandalf


    You are no longer an item, you broke up. She's an adult and your an adult and you are now both single again. You can both date whoever you want. Get over it man and get back out there yourself. As others have said all this shows is you have self confidence issues.


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    #12
    kittensoft1984
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭kittensoft1984


    exactly.

    she was single and could do what she wanted.

    i think you should value her honesty in telling you, she didnt have to


  • Options
    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    QUOTE=Beruthiel;54898171]I don't know why you have brought that up? They were not together so no cheating occurred.[/QUOTE]

    OK; rephrase: Everyone who FEELS cheated on....... which the OP seems to


  • Options
    #14
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    She was single and its her business what she did with this guy. Im sure you weren't a complete angel either so just forget about get on with getting to your girlfriend again.


  • Options
    #15
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    IMO: If she changed her story she's more than likely not telling you the truth... But maybe she is worried that she will lose you if she did?? My advice is you need to trust her, say whats done is done, and be grateful that you are with her now and tell her you are, that will help her be more open in the future. She will just close off more if you keep being possesive and paranoid, she needs to feel like she can be herself and tell you things without fear of critisism or over the top concequences.


  • Options
    #16
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    JoJoe90 wrote:
    OK; rephrase: Everyone who FEELS cheated on....... which the OP seems to

    Yes but whether they're in any way justified/have any basis for feeling cheated on is another matter entirely
    If you feel cheated on because someone you weren't going out with got with someone else, you need to get over it

    OP wrote:
    Now I understand we were broken up and what happened in that time happened etc etc, but I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend' etc.
    She wasnt your girlfriend. And I'm assuming she may have other exes. Do you think they're laughing at you too?
    Stop trying to put all your self esteem issues on the poor girl and cop on


  • Options
    #17
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,073 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    How Strange wrote: »
    OP, first of all


    YOU broke up with her, she moved on, went on a date with a guy, then YOU got back with her. Now you're acting like a caveman beating your chest because another guy that you seem to have a problem with dated her ONCE while you were BROKEN UP.

    Where's the problem?
    The problem is YOU. Honestly, get over yourself. Do you really expect people to say 'oh that's terrible, she dated another man while she was single. How dare she not sit around crying and wait for you to ask her to get back with you.'

    This 'problem' is really a male territorial p1ssing contest. What gets to you is that she was with THIS particular guy. Somewhere in your subconscious you must view this guy as a threat otherwise why would you be throwing your toys out of the pram and saying you and your mates can't go there anymore because everyone will be laughing at you because he got .

    But the thing is she wasn't your girlfriend at the time.


    Oh I'm sure it is ruining your relationship. There's nothing like an insecure whinging man interrogating his girlfriend at every turn to run a relationship.
    I wouldn't blame her for denying everything, you're acting like a prat. I'm sure she is just sorry she ever said anything to you in the first place. Her mistake for not knowing your primal male pride would be wounded.


    No, but I'll make a mental note to self to run for the hills if I ever am.
    This sums it up for me.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Options
    #18
    Aseth
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭Aseth


    Woofer wrote: »
    I agree with everything every poster has written here in response - but I understand exactly how you feel. No matter how yout ry to rationalise it you cannt, because you will just never be rational in a situation like this. What would p1ss me off most is that her story has changed. Personally I would demand to know the full truth (rather than half the truth which is eating you up), then make your decision on whether you're man enough to deal with it.

    OP has no right for 'full story'. You broke up with her and now you want her to explain herself? Grow up! at the time it happened she was single and if you can't cope with that - tough.
    If it's too hard for you maybe you should not be together cause it's not doing any good to your relationship. or you'll probably keep asking her what happened and she gets fed up and leaves you.


  • Options
    #19
    Woofer
    Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Woofer


    Aseth wrote: »
    OP has no right for 'full story'. You broke up with her and now you want her to explain herself? Grow up! at the time it happened she was single and if you can't cope with that - tough.
    If it's too hard for you maybe you should not be together cause it's not doing any good to your relationship. or you'll probably keep asking her what happened and she gets fed up and leaves you.

    Maybe i came across wrong. What i was trying to say was I can understand hy he feels like he does and I think the reason is because he only knows (what he perceives to be) half the story. I would rather know nothing at all, or know the whole story. Its the grey area that wrecks your head because your mind fills in the blanks in wierd twisted ways. But yeah he is in no position to "demand" the truth - i agree with that!


  • Options
    #20
    aidan24326
    Registered Users Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    mess888 wrote: »
    I'm sorry about this Ive a horrible problem with my relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend and got back with her 2 months later. During this time she told me she went on a date with a bloke. Then she told me who it was, a guy that is great friends and works for, my best friend. Who just happens to own a bar that me and my friends always drink in.
    Now I understand we were broken up and what happened in that time happened etc etc, but I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend' etc.
    This is what she is trying to make me believe--She went for a drink with him in a bar in town. She had a few drinks over the space of 2 hours and they snogged around 5 times. Then she says he walked her to the luas and she went home, never saw him again. Originally she said she got a taxi outside, then 2 months later changed her story. I am really struggling and trying my very best to believe nothing sexual happened. This guys known as a sleaze in the bar and has a different girl every week. I feel I cant go there to see my friends now, and dont know what i'd do if she was there aswell. Its ruining the relationship. She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it. I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

    You broke up with your girlfriend, and she had the temerity to get off with another guy afterwards! The cheek!

    Seriously, cop yourself on and stop the chest-beating caveman nonsense. What she did for those 2 months is her own business. If she made a porno with the local rugby team that's her choice. It wasn't any of your business at that time, she was not your girlfriend. You don't own her.

    Maybe she did go home with him, maybe they went at it like rabbits. So what? If it's a snow-white virgin you want, who can tend cave, then stick an ad in the classifieds and stop wrecking this poor girl's head with your questioning. Forget that 2 months and move on.


  • Options
    #21
    craichoe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,706 ✭✭✭craichoe


    mess888 wrote: »
    I'm sorry about this Ive a horrible problem with my relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend and got back with her 2 months later. During this time she told me she went on a date with a bloke. Then she told me who it was, a guy that is great friends and works for, my best friend. Who just happens to own a bar that me and my friends always drink in.
    Now I understand we were broken up and what happened in that time happened etc etc, but I dont want people laughing behind my back about 'getting up on my girlfriend' etc.
    This is what she is trying to make me believe--She went for a drink with him in a bar in town. She had a few drinks over the space of 2 hours and they snogged around 5 times. Then she says he walked her to the luas and she went home, never saw him again. Originally she said she got a taxi outside, then 2 months later changed her story. I am really struggling and trying my very best to believe nothing sexual happened. This guys known as a sleaze in the bar and has a different girl every week. I feel I cant go there to see my friends now, and dont know what i'd do if she was there aswell. Its ruining the relationship. She obviously just denies everything and wont talk about it. I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

    Sounds like shes trying to not hurt your feelings, she probably knows you better than you know yourself.

    What do you want her to say ?? They had sex ?

    If she did how would you react.

    Dont bother thinking about it anymore


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  • Options
    #22
    Seth Brundle
    Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 38,852 Mod ✭✭✭✭Seth Brundle


    @mess888 - did you get up to anything while you both were apart? If not, did you try?
    You have no right to ask her about her private life during the time apart. You chose to split, now deal with it.


  • Options
    #23
    Talliesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    mess888 wrote: »
    I'm sorry about this Ive a horrible problem with my relationship.
    You are a horrible problem in your relationship.

    Get it (you) fixed.
    mess888 wrote: »
    I feel like a fool being laughed at to be very honest.
    Certainly, I laughed for one.


  • Options
    #24
    The Sweeper
    Registered Users Posts: 10,658 ✭✭✭✭The Sweeper


    A loving girlfriend trying not to upset you: "We kissed a few times and that's all that happened."

    What you're looking for: "So yeah we kissed and then we took a taxi home and he was feeling my tits up in the back of the taxi and as soon as we got in the door we were rapid for it so I went down on him and blew him in the hallway and then we had sex on the stairs, doggy style, on our way to the bedroom and then when we were IN the bedroom we were at it like weasels until 7am".

    How, in the name of good Jesus, is hearing the second version going to make the slightest bit of difference to you other than to make you feel worse? There is no correct way for your girlfriend to respond to your quizzing.

    Oh oh - I'm wrong actually, here, print this out and give it to her to read to you:

    "Yes, my darling, I'm so sorry, I did have sex with someone else while we were split up. I can't believe I did it, it was so wrong. And it was terrible sex too. He was clumsy and lasted 30 seconds, we just did the missionary position, there was no oral sex whatsoever and no touching before or after the 30 seconds of penetration. He wasn't as good as you are. Nobody is as good as you. Let's drop all of our friends, so we never have to see that horrible other bloke again, and we'll start drinking somewhere new and begin our lives afresh."


  • Options
    #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    okay everyone well thanks for coming down on me like a ton of bricks. I dont think i deserve it. I wasnt with anyone during the split, no. As i said, I merely dont want to be around this guy with my girlfriend because he has more than likely had a one night stand with her, and cast her aside. I'm left picking up the pieces. It would be nice to know if it did or did not happen because then i would be able to accept something. A part of me hates her guts for falling for this sleazebags lines, and putting me in this position. If I was in her shoes and it was some bird mate of hers, I wouldnt give a ****. She's had her cake now. I'm very very scared to end things because a huge part of me feels very close to her. I dont want to hurt her again, and selfishly I dont want to see her doing one night stands every week after we break up. It would hurt so much but the fact is she's already done it with this guy so maybe we have nothing anyway. Maybe I need to break up and be heartbroken and ****ed up, plainly for the experience, so i'll appreciate my next relationship.. or learn to let this go and go on anti depressants..!


  • Options
    #26
    The Hill Billy
    Registered Users Posts: 22,746 ✭✭✭✭The Hill Billy


    mess888 wrote:
    I'm left picking up the pieces.
    In what way? Is your girlfriend upset about something? The only thing that is in pieces is your fragile ego.
    mess888 wrote:
    It would be nice to know if it did or did not happen because then i would be able to accept something.
    You already said in your original post that she denied everything. If you think that your girlfriend is lying to you - maybe you need to ask yourself "Why is she possibly lying to me?" Probably because she knows that you couldn't handle the truth that she is an adult & has had sex with other guys apart from you, & will do again in the future. That's life.

    Alternatively, have you even considered that she was telling the truth?
    mess888 wrote:
    A part of me hates her guts for falling for this sleazebags lines, and putting me in this position.
    Really? Get a grip lad. You have put yourself in this position.
    mess888 wrote:
    selfishly I dont want to see her doing one night stands every week after we break up...
    ...Maybe I need to break up and be heartbroken and ****ed up, plainly for the experience, so i'll appreciate my next relationship.. or learn to let this go and go on anti depressants..!
    So are you saying now that you are staying with her just to prevent her from having sex with other guys? Think about it. It is silly isn't it? Grow some balls, break up with her, remember the good times & move on. You are not ready for a serious relationship, but hopefully you will in time.




    FYI - The good people of PI are spelling out what life is really like. They are trying to make you understand how relationships & break-ups actually work for mature adults. If you think that they are coming down on you like a "ton of bricks" it is only because they may feel that the point needs to be hammered home to make you see sense. Best of luck.


  • Options
    #27
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    mess888 wrote: »
    okay everyone well thanks for coming down on me like a ton of bricks. I dont think i deserve it.

    I think you need to go back and read, very slowly, this whole thread again. You're just not getting it and I want you to.
    We are coming down on you, like a ton of bricks if you wish, because you do deserve it. Yes, that's right, you deserve it because of your twisted logic. We want you to know it's twisted so you can look at yourself and perhaps, it will help you to be a more mature, better person.
    I merely dont want to be around this guy with my girlfriend because he has more than likely had a one night stand with her

    So?
    So what?
    and cast her aside

    Huh?

    I'm left picking up the pieces.

    What pieces exactly?
    This is your choice to be back with her so quit acting the martyr.
    . A part of me hates her guts for falling for this sleazebags lines, and putting me in this position.

    Would you kindly accept responsibility for your own actions. YOU put yourself in this position.
    Maybe I need to break up and be heartbroken and ****ed up, plainly for the experience, so i'll appreciate my next relationship..

    Not a bad idea, you're clearly not ready for an adult relationship yet.
    or learn to let this go and go on anti depressants..!

    Drama queen much?


  • Options
    #28
    mossyj
    Closed Accounts Posts: 63 ✭✭mossyj


    Hi All - Just finished reading the thread and i have to say i agree in principle with all of whats been said. Ive been going out with my g/f for almost 8 years now and shes never given me a single reason not to trust her. but i know that if i found myself for whatever reason in this chaps position i would be feeling in a similar way to him! Ive discussed this scenario with my mates (girls included) and all of them have admitted that they would have a very hard time dealing with this. Dont be so quick to condemn!!!


    @ mess888 - if you did find out that she slept with this guy would you be able to handle it and not let it ruin the relationship? - if you could handle this then just assume that she did it! shes probably afraid to tell you cos she thinks you cant deal with it!

    bottom line though...


    If you love your g/f more than you want to know exactly what happened then let it go!!!


  • Options
    #29
    Balmed Out
    Registered Users Posts: 4,713 ✭✭✭Balmed Out


    To be honest that would slightly piss me off too, any time i break up with a girl i try to make sure not to be with friends or aquantinces of hers out of a matter of respect. If u care at all for someone u do your best not to hurt them. Id probably take her doing that as her having a go at pissing me off and i wouldnt want to get back with her.
    Still though ye werent going out at the time so u shouldnt get so hung about it. If u want to be with her again then drop it, if you cant help making a mountain out of a molehill then maybe its just a sign that you dont really think shes right for you.
    Also if hes as big a sleaze as u make out id be wanting to know she used protection.


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