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How to tell my depressed boyfriend I might be moving abroad?

  • 23-01-2014 3:08am
    #1
    x_confused_x
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭


    Hi,

    (This isn't my usual account but I don't want anybody to find out about this yet)

    This is such a horrible situation and I don't know what to do.

    So. I'm 19 and I want to be a sculptor/glass blower/ceramicist. At the moment I'm in a plc portfolio preparation course and it's great, but I have to start seriously thinking about next year.

    Ireland isn't great on the type of course that I want, so I looked into studying abroad and found an amazing glass course in England. I applied to five but there's one in particular that looks incredible. I've lived abroad for the summer and loved every second of it and my parents support me too.

    My CAO at the moment has NCAD, then Cork, then IADT and Limerick. NCAD and Cork are real options too, I'd be so happy to get into either of them but I'm not sure if I should settle or not. They're not exactly what I'm after.

    I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost four years and it's been so good. I'm from Dublin and he lives in Waterford but we see each other mostly every week. We're great together and it's making this decision so much harder.

    He's actually depressed at the moment and was hospitalised three weeks ago for attempted suicide. He's in a bad place and I've been trying to support him as much as possible, but it definitely hasn't been easy. I got a call from his mam when I was in college to say he'd been found in his apartment in an awful state and he was in hospital. I don't think I've processed it at all.

    I haven't told him about my applications abroad and I applied early January. I feel like I don't want to put any more extra stress on him right now and I'm scared to mention it especially when it's not definite yet.

    I went away last summer to work in america and I'm going back this summer. He's definitely not happy about it, but he said he'd wait for me again, which is kind of amazing. But it means that I'd be coming home from america and leaving for England a couple of weeks later. So I definitely would have to tell him before the summer.

    I'll be going over for an interview in the next couple of weeks so I'm feeling like I should tell him soon/now. I feel so guilty, when I'm with him it's all I can think about.

    It's really scary to think about moving my whole life to another country and telling him about it. But I don't want to regret not going. Any advice?
    Tagged:


Comments

  • #2
    Ham Sambo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 515 ✭✭✭Ham Sambo


    Hi ya.
    God you know you have to live your life as you see fit, and there is no easy way to break up a relationship, if it was me I would find out 100% if you actually have a place in the UK before you tell him...you are breaking up because of college yeah? If it comes to it and you have decided to head to the UK maybe confiding in a friend or perhaps one of his family might give you an insight as how to approach it, either way there is going to be a lot of heartbreak from both corners. Best of luck!


  • #3
    MugMugs
    Registered Users Posts: 17,875 ✭✭✭✭MugMugs


    You need to be cruel to be kind here.

    You're 19!!!!!

    Go and live your life, pursue your dreams and DO NOT hang back or restrict yourself for the sake of your boyfriend !

    There's so much more to life at that age, go an experience it. You other half will be okay. His family will see him through !


  • #4
    littlelulu
    Registered Users Posts: 267 ✭✭littlelulu


    Speaking from experience

    Go do what you want, where you want an when you want. If you settle for second best you WILL regret it forever The older you get and the more reaponsibilities you take on (loans, kids, career) the harder it will get to do the things you want to do.

    I had a bf with the same problems at your age and I had to break free just to put myself first. You're too young to have that on your shoulders. I felt the exact same guilt BUT looking back now walking away was the best thing I ever did for myself. I wasn't mature enough to deal with his problems even though I thought I was at the time.

    He has his family so don't hold yourself back. As I said you are very young to have that weight on your shoulders. Think about what the future will bring for you both and be realistic. I wasn't and lived in denial that everything was great until I stood back and looked at the pic. There were other factors that caused me to walk away as well but personally for me walking away was the best move I made.


  • #5
    Howyahorse
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭Howyahorse


    England is not even an hour away on a plane.. It probably takes him longer to drive to dublin from waterford. Just saying


  • #6
    x_confused_x
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭x_confused_x


    thanks for the responses everyone

    I'm definitely gonna go for the interview and see what happens. But when should I tell him? And how can I bring it up?


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  • #7
    Howyahorse
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭Howyahorse


    you should bring it up in discussion sooner rather than later. dont make such a big deal about it. its not definite until you're on the plane. involve him in your plans; he can come visit and likewise you'll be home often. that'll soften it. if he cares about your future and your career he'll be understanding


  • #8
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    You have to do what you feel is right for you, you seem really happy with him which is great , have you ever explored the option of him going with you to either the Uk or america?


  • #9
    x_confused_x
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭x_confused_x


    Starokan wrote: »
    You have to do what you feel is right for you, you seem really happy with him which is great , have you ever explored the option of him going with you to either the Uk or america?

    I am, that's why it's so scary :o I'm going to be a counselor at an art camp and it definitely wouldn't suit him, he doesn't want to come. He's in his second year of his degree here (well he's deferred this year because of everything but he'll be going back to it next year) so he couldn't move to england.


  • #10
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    "I've gotten an offer of an interview for an amazing course in England. It would be an amazing opportunity for my future career, but I'm worried and I could really do with your support".


    Ryanair flights these days are cheaper, and probably quicker from Dublin to London, than the bus is from Waterford to Dublin..... there's nothing stopping either of you seeing each other on a regular basis if things are meant to be... As it stands, you see each other "mostly every week", so it's not the biggest impact in the world on the situation if you move to England.

    But quite honestly, his suicide attempt points toward a host of other issues in his life that your boyfriend needs to get a grasp on, and get help with, and he could do a lot with the time apart in terms of investing it in himself, Quite frankly, at 19, you're not equipped to deal with that. The time apart may even be a good thing in terms of him getting a handle on the situation.


  • #11
    x_confused_x
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭x_confused_x


    mike_ie wrote: »
    "I've gotten an offer of an interview for an amazing course in England. It would be an amazing opportunity for my future career, but I'm worried and I could really do with your support".


    Ryanair flights these days are cheaper, and probably quicker from Dublin to London, than the bus is from Waterford to Dublin..... there's nothing stopping either of you seeing each other on a regular basis if things are meant to be... As it stands, you see each other "mostly every week", so it's not the biggest impact in the world on the situation if you move to England.

    But quite honestly, his suicide attempt points toward a host of other issues in his life that your boyfriend needs to get a grasp on, and get help with, and he could do a lot with the time apart in terms of investing it in himself, Quite frankly, at 19, you're not equipped to deal with that. The time apart may even be a good thing in terms of him getting a handle on the situation.

    Thanks for the response. Hey you're right. I'm being a wimp. I thought that if I did end up going I'd break it off because it'd be too far. But the distance hasn't been an issue yet and I would be back fairly often to see my family anyway.

    I know it's not up to me to fix everything that's going on with him, but after this long I'm so involved. He is getting a lot of support from his family and friends too. I'm gonna tell him before I go for the interview (February 13th) and say I don't want it to be over if I go and see what happens, thanks.


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